I would like to thank the Academy...

I'm pregnant!

Do you know how long I have waited to say those words? It feels surreal but I also have a calmness about me right now. I'm sure that will quickly fade but I am milking it for the time being. I am too happy for words.

I started testing on Monday. That one looked negative but then I noticed a very faint line at about the 6 minute mark. Still, I thought I was seeing something and I assumed the worst. When the story keeps having the same bad ending, you just assume.

On Tuesday, I got a slightly darker line- encouraging. Yesterday the line looked the same as Tuesday and I began to get worried again- how come it wasn't getting darker? The clinic let me come in a day early for my beta test since I was being a crazy lady and they wanted to put me out of my misery. I had the beta this morning and they confirmed I was most certainly pregnant.

All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you, for being here with me on this journey- women I have (mostly) never even officially met. I know this is only the beginning of a road that will be marked by uncertainty, fear, who knows.... it's great to know that you ladies will be here as I move forward- as we move forward towards our dreams.

It really does take a village...

So close, I can hardly stand it

I'm trying to keep my head up and be positive- the retrieval is scheduled to be around August 10-11th and the transfer will be 3-5 days after that. I've scheduled my pre and post transfer acupuncture sessions, I have convinced my hubby we need to stay in a hotel close to the hospital the day before and the day of the transfer (I want everything to be easy and calm). I've gone to a Mikvah- for those that do not know, it is a ritual bath that "cleanses" a person so that she can begin anew (call me superstitious- I am throwing every dart I have and hopefully one will stick). I have consulted with 2 perinatologists, one hematologist and two RE. I am going to counseling, joined a group that is in my situation, and, yes, I am even praying. I am listening to my visualization CD's, using the law of attraction, remembering the importance of humor, exercising to be in better physical shape. I am taking my meds like a perfect patient- Lupron in the am and vivelle patches every other day. I am ready to begin the rest of the protocol. I think I have covered everything?

At this point, it is out of my hands. If I have learned one thing, it's that the whole pregnancy is a miracle and all I can do now is hope.

For those of you in the know, I am starting a special, top secret, diva girl email list to share the info you just won't find on my daily blog- due to the fact that I was reckless and have given out this address to pretty much everyone (silly me!). If you want to hear the REAL story, please drop me an email at hotmamabear213@yahoo.com or any other email you have for me and I can add you to that musing. It won't be a daily thing so don't worry that I will flood your email box. I just wish I could say everything here- unfortunately I cannot. It goes back to the theory I have been hearing of late- you can't un-ring a bell; you can't un-tell information. It's not about keeping secrets, like there's something to be ashamed of. It's about me and my family's privacy. And frankly, all that matters right now is me and my family (to be).

In any case, some of you will probably end up on the list without asking- in which case, you can opt out. For others- your email is not on your blog so I couldn't add you if I tried (which I did)- so if I can have your permission, by giving me your email, I would be tickled pink. Think of it as a new level of our friendship- if you think I have let it hang out here, wait until "big brother" isn't around.

Next u/s for me is August 5th- please cross your fingers, think positive and wear lucky socks for me- you know I will be...

Lousy Lupron

Is it me or does the Lupron sting? I thought I was a wiz at the subQ injection thing but I seem to hear myself say, "ow" every night- and I have had some nasty bruises on my tummy since I started this about 10 days ago.

I am into the game now with a transfer looking like around the 14th of August. Am I happy? I don't think I can say that yet. Am I hopeful? Same thing. Hope has not been my friend in the past so I step forward with some degree of caution. I have started to do my morning visualization ritual again, though. I picture the end in mind- what I truly want (my own live baby) as if I already had it. And then I revel in the feeling of that contentment.

Sound "Secret-esque"??? I was really into The Secret for a while and got A LOT of cool yet creepy financial rewards from the experience(which may be the subject of yet another future blog). Anyway, I began doing this morning visualization back 4 years ago and I stopped at about the time my mother died (which, by the way, the two-year anniversary is this Sunday, June 12). Even if nothing supernatural happens, at least the ritual gets me into a more hopeful place which I believe I will need much of in the weeks to come. In addition, I will be doing the usual- lucky socks, praying, etc.

My first ultrasound is on July 17- just a week before the 1 -year anniversary of Sally Ann.

BFN

Well- I gave it all I could. Can't say I didn't do everything humanly possible to bring a mini me into this world. For the first time ever I was 5 days late and actually beginning to fantasize again. Joke's on me, it seems.

I'll take that hope into my next chapter. I started BCP today for an August "alternative family building activity" (is that cryptic enough for the non-knowers?).

Wish me luck. I'll need all of you to lean on as I grieve, accept things things I cannot change, heal, move on, and become ready to receive new life within me- all in 8 weeks and counting...

Too Old to Take a Break?

Well- Aunt flow is back to visit. I've had the regular crying fits, regrets, anger, and grief episodes again. What can I do? Not much except keep going.

It is cycle day 1. I am going to wait until next month to do what is supposed to be my last IUI. My doctor wants another clomid challenge test so, since I am in TX on business, I can do that easily from here and give my body one more month on all the fertility enhancing things I'm on to work (that would be the DHEA, the Folate megadoses, essential fatty acids, multi, baby aspirin, herbal tea, acupuncture, massage, visualizations, and prayer). Let's all imagine nice and low cycle day 3 FSH numbers, shall we? For those not in the know, we want a number lower than 10- let's shoot for 9. That's what it was in November. Last month, it was 14.2. So, my cycle day 3 test in on Thursday morning, for those of you who have time to send good intentions.

For those wondering why I need that test at this point in the game, depending on how this and my last cycle goes, will determine next steps for me. I responded pretty well this past cycle in terms of follicle production for the IUI. Another good cycle and maybe IVF is still in the picture. If I don't respond well, egg donation is a real possibility. I have a family member who is willing to donate for me and I suppose that could truly be the best next thing for me. I mean- it's been 4 years, lots of loss, and lots of pain. I really would just like to get on with it now and be a mom.

You probably won't hear much more from me regarding donor eggs. If I move forward, it will be IVF either way and be sure I will tell you all those details as I progress. Those of you who have grown close to me, feel free to email me on the sly for the skinny as time goes on. I just think that, for now, the choice I end up making will be a private one for me and my family- something for my children to share rather than me posting on the 5 pm news, if you know what I mean.

Who knows- I've been an open book all along. Maybe I will share how things move forward. For now, I am hoping that the clomid month yields an immaculate conception, or that the next and possibly last IUI is the one that takes.

With love and tears,

Lisa DG

Crossing Fingers

Going for my IUI tomorrow. While I am a bit discouraged given my history to this moment- I'll do what I do so well- which is wear lucky socks, say a prayer, think positive, have good intentions, stay on my back all day, take herbs, do acupuncture, relax...you who have been around with me for a while know the drill.

Please hope along with me. Maybe this is my time...

Brrrr...

We're all trying to keep warm here in snowy New England. I couldn't think of a better time to drive to Boston for an ultrasound than today. They say we should have over 15 inches when this all is said and done.

My great husband did the driving. I am so lucky and he is so patient. At least I took the day off today. I am thankful for the small things- like the rest of the day at home, that I am getting along with my hubby so well, that we are being more playful lately (like when we first got married). I guess all the worrying and depression I have been feeling has been getting old. I need to remember that this is my life. I can choose to be sad or happy, even in the face of repeated disappointment. It's my choice.

I know it is easy to say all this on my day 7- not as easy on a day 1. For today I will choose happiness and worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

On a total separate note, I went to an old friend's birthday party this past weekend. For the first time in a long time I partied like a rock star. Drank multiple martinis and don't remember much after about 10 pm. They say I had a good time. I lost my favorite shirt (yes I was wearing something under it), an earring, my necklace and my blackberry. Oh- and the heel on my Fendi boots fell off. Yahoo. I can't do that more than once every few years...I guess I needed to blow off some steam. Ya think?

And my husband still loves me. What more can I ask for?

Oh yeah- a baby.

Hmm. Day after Day 1 Eve

Aunt flow hasn't showed yet. I'm not usually ever late, but I took a test just in case- negative. Even though I knew the way it would end up, from all the practice, I still held out that ray of hope. I am am just as sad as ever about another loss.

For those of you who have not been through this, each month is a loss. Certainly it is not like the loss I had when I lost Sally Ann, but still it is a sharp pain. I've lost the hope and dreams I make each month. This time, I lose the dream of a Thanksgiving baby, all my family gathering around to take care of things for our feast while I lay back in bed nursing my Sagittarius child. And her (like how I called her a she?) godmother is also Sagittarius. How great is that?

Don't feel too sorry for me. This is the third or fourth loss of the "Thanksgiving baby." While it doesn't get easier, per say, at least I know I'll make it through.

Day 1 Eve

There are so many eve's that we revel in, think about with anticipation, and just can't wait to experience.

Here's one I know all too well and dread: Day 1 Eve. Tomorrow is cycle day 28 of a cycle we "took off" to get my body in balance after the last early miscarriage. While I know if is most likely coming quick, there is that twinge of hope that says, "you could actually be pregnant. How great would that be if you just got preggo naturally, after all you've endured?"

To this, Hubby says, "well that would take care of a lot of stuff, wouldn't it?"

Yes it would. That would be a story I could think back on and almost laugh about (probably not). After all the pain, the years of fertility treatment, the loss of Sally Ann, some sweet goodness could come in the end? Excuse my skepticism, but I can't seem to hold my breath at this time. It is just easier to not get my hopes up. I am secretly planning a plan B for myself which is not quite how I had pictured my motherhood, but I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

In any case, I am looking at today as Day 1 Eve. I wonder what tomorrow, and next cycle, will bring.

Time Flies

Can it really be 2 weeks since I blogged? I guess it goes in waves and there are times I feel burnt out- like I need to retreat, so that I can come back, as my full, real self.

I am now on day 19 of the cancelled cycle. I could be pregnant though I am not really holding anything miraculous is going to happen right now.

In fact, I am now examining all the family building options I could have. I want to get off the roller coaster and start the phase of my life I call "family" more than to continue to struggle and fight for the things called "my genetic children." I don't know what road this journey will lead to. My secret hope is that I am one of those great stories you hear about regarding the friend that had an "oops" just as she resigned herself to another means for motherhood.

Some Knit, Others Scrapbook...

What seems to most women like such a natural part of life has become the challenge of my life. I am consumed with it. "Don't you have a hobby you can do?" a friend asked me earlier, trying to coach me to get my mind off this ever-present task. Working on getting and staying pregnant is my hobby. And it takes so much time out of my day, I really don't have time for anything else.

I like to read, and often read more than one book at a time. Currently, I am reading two books on fertility, one Wayne Dyer book on being present in life (like that will happen any time soon), and I just finished An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, a book on a woman's experience of delivering a stillborn baby at term. I'm not nearly the fun, cool woman I once was, am I? Jeez- I don't think I would want to hang with me at a party. How depressing would that be? Don't worry- I won't be at a party near you. I can count the number of social gatherings I have been to since the baby died on one hand. Ok, actually, half a hand. 3 in six months.

Where has my life gone? 4 years ago, I was happy as a clam (what does that even mean anyway?). I was filled with hope, and knew that life was going my way. Now I am here, at this cross-roads, and I don't know how the fuck I got here. Life is so short and I wonder how I will feel down the road at all the pain and suffering I put myself through. Will it be worth it? Will I regret it? Now is not the time for these sort of questions.

I want a baby. Is that too much to ask for? I want to nurture and love and teach- I want to mother children, watching them grow into men and women. I want to pass on the legacy that was passed on to me. Is that legacy biological, necessarily? I don't even know any more.

I carry around a box of "miracle cards" that a friend gave me for the holidays. Every time I get to this point, I reach for one and pop open the surprise little saying that has the power to make me smile or cheer me up. Here's the one I opened today:

"How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and that there will never be a time when it is now now." Gerald Jampolsky (founder of the center for attitudinal healing, aka CorStone)

How fitting. I know it's just a choice, but it doesn't seem so easy right now.

Reflections from the other side of fertility

There is a certain deference I feel to fertile women. It's subtle, but definitely present. It reminds me of the class system in India. Fertiles flock together, infertiles stay with their own kind.

I passed a pregnant woman the other day. Almost unconsciously my gaze looked down as we passed, as though I somehow shouldn't be looking directly at her. It was almost a feeling of shame- that is, until I caught myself doing it and overanalyzed the incident.

Last week was a very happy week for me. Today- not so much. I was inseminated on Thursday, January 15th. On 8 dpo, I had a slight amount of spotting. I really felt pregnant. I was convinced that this was my cycle. My husband, normally a skeptic, jumped on the hope bandwagon and we were riding that wave of exhileration. That is, until Day 11. I awoke to a bloodly mess. Yes, aunt flo had shown up with a whole party of clots. I'll spare the details. The bottom line- I'm not having a baby just yet.

When I went into the doctor this morning, a bit hungover, Dr. T noticed a cyst in my ovary, leftover from a follicle from last cycle. My unterine lining was quite thick as well. Given my spotting on day 8 and then the short luteal phase, his opinion was that I may actually have gotten pregnant, and then miscarried. He ordered some bloods and cancelled this cycle. Better to wait and let my body come back into balance.

Cathing Up

Well, it has been a bit since I have written. I just haven't felt like it. I have been working long hours and I chose to read other blogs rather than to sit down and write in my own.

My visit to the fertility center in PA was great. The baseline ultrasound looked good so I began another IUI cycle. The pharmacy overnighted the meds I needed and I was off.

When I returned to Boston for my day 7 ultrasound, I was happy to find that my RE was the doctor of the week. This was actually the first time she was doing the ultrasound for me. Anyway, it looked as though I was responding well to the medication. "Looks very good" she said.

Responding well?

Poor response has been my middle name since I started this journey years ago. Poor response was why I would no longer be a candidate for IVF. Poor response- sounds so insulting, like I have done something wrong.

I was responding well to the meds- it looked like 2 follicles were nearing maturity, with several more just a hair behind, and even a few more labeled "small." When I came back two days later, three were ready to go with others still very close to maturity. This one could really work! Even the one that got me pregnant last year only produced 2, so I am feeling quite good. More mature follicles means more chances for success.

Today is 4 days post IUI. I can't tell if I am getting false symptoms due to my newly found optimism, but my girls were quite sore when I got up this am. My hubby, kind that he is, doesn't want me to get my hopes up and be hurt again.

So I will just play the waiting game while hoping for the best and remembering to breathe.

Christmas and Beyond

Well the day came and went fairly uneventfully. Rather than spending it with our families, we decided to spend the time, just the two of us, quietly at home. No tree. No presents. I barely even opened all the holiday cards yet.

At the last minute (the night before), our neighbors invited us over for their special luncheon. They had way too much food and needed help. We obliged. it was actually really nice being with people who are pretty much removed from the whole situation. I actually enjoyed myself and we got to leave when we were ready to go.

I suspect that the anti-depressants have begun to kick in by now. I am feeling fairly ambivalent rather than feeling like I am on the hope and despair roller coaster. I guess that's good.

I have been thinking a lot about Sally Ann lately though. Not so much thinking about her, but remembering back to holding her. I remember how small and fragile she was, her tiny body bruised by the mere act of a natural child birth. I never took any pictures. I really regret that. I spent some time complaining about that with my husband the other day. How come the nurse never suggested I take pictures? After I finished bitching, my husband informed me that they did offer and that I declined. I have no recall of this. Maybe I was in shock or maybe repulsed by the idea of memorializing such a traumatic experience. In any case, that ship has left the port.

My IUI was uneventful. I have been resting ever since and plan to continue that protocol for the next couple of days. I am a very superstitious person and so, of course, I am looking for signs all over the place (see Tertia's blog "so close" to understand fully what I am talking about). The curse of "what's meant to be." Is it fate I lost Sally Ann (how ridiculous is that?)? If I heard my favorite sound on another woman's blog and she used donated eggs, maybe it is a sign that I should choose that path. I wonder, I wonder. What is my next step on this road? I hope that, as I come around the bend, I'll find out my pain and wait is over.

Maybe I should have a blood mary and take a nap instead.

Today is my due date

As I sit here watching the snow flurries drop, I feel like I am in someone else's life. Today is December 20th, 2008, the date that I was supposed to lay eyes on my first baby, entering my world, my baby girl's first day on planet earth.

While I know that chances are slim that babies actually are born on their due date, never in a million years did I think my baby would be born 4 months too soon. 2nd trimester premature rupture of membranes (water break) is extremely rare. They tell you you're clear after the first trimester- statistics regarding loss of any kind past the first 12 weeks is down around the 1-2% mark. I mean what are the odds that I have trouble conceiving AND a second trimester loss? My thoughts on this are now much more black and white- chance of loss is 50%- you either give birth or you end up with a dead baby.

Finding out that I am prone to blood clots and that may have been the cause of the amniotic rupture only sickens me more. Should of, would of, could of. How come no one suggested me seeing a specialist? How come the gene mutation was not tested for at the onset of the uterus blood clot and then easily treated? How in the world did I think going to Puerto Rico was a good idea after being on bed rest for 2 months? How come the doctor allowed me to go? How come I never learned Spanish? Should of, would of, could of. I can drive myself mad if I go down this road.

How did I get to this place? I will be back at the doctor's in Boston tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and blood work. today is cycle day 8. This IUI could be be the start of another life. Or can it be that my first pregnancy, my special Sally Ann, would be my only biological child? I just can't believe it- that my life would go down like that.

I have a strong desire inside to be a mother. I have always had that deep, passionate will to raise a child in this world. Now I need to re-examine what that looks like. What is motherhood? What was the need I had really? Was it to raise a little human and pass the legacy of love, compassion, strength and integrity into the world? Was it to know that my genes and DNA live on past when my body turns to dust? This story line is so much heavier that I expected. What happened to what they told us in school? If you don't use protection it is an accident that you don't get pregnant. I can't believe that bullshit. Come to find out it is actually, in the best of circumstances, a difficult task.

Oh well. I called myself resilient back in August when I started this blog. I don't feel so much today. I am actually more on the weepy side. The anticipation of today, however, was much worse. Today gives me some sort of twisted closure.

Does one ever get over the loss of a child? Of course not, but there is a closing of the circle, as there will be for each milestone that will come between now and July 26th, 2009. Christmas, Passover, Mother's Day, Father's day. The anniversary of my water breaking. Sally Ann's birth and death.

Grant me the serenity to accept this thing I cannot change.

What would life be like without a plan B?

I went to my doctor yesterday to check in and talk about my progress over the past couple of months. I may be pregnant and will know in about a week and a half, but it is always good to talk about plan B. What will happen if I am not?

"There is NO plan B."

"Excuse me?"

Given my response to the FSH IUI's, even in the one that got me pregnant last March, I am not a candidate for in vitro. Each time, I started out strong but at the time of ovulation, I have one or two mature follicles. Given that not all follicles survive the retrieval and petri dish process, she wouldn't want to take any chances with the one to two good ones I had each cycle. Therefore, IUI is all I can do a this point.

I was kind of at a loss for words- flabbergasted. I didn't expect that response and the only thing that came to mind was "oh shit." The expected tears came shortly thereafter.

Dr I.S. recommends that I go through 6 IUI cycles total, if I can emotionally handle it, and then we can decide if it is time to find another approach, depending on my responses to those cycles.

I have been pretty depressed in the last 24 hours. Not really what I wanted to hear. And while I recognize that I may very well be prego now, I need to re-evaluate what I really, truly want in my life. G-d what a fucking mind trip roller coaster ride. Happy Holidays!

Which brings me to the question of the day:

Would a child by an egg donor be any less special to me?

I was caressing my dog Lola yesterday morning and her eyes were gazing up to mine. My heart cracks wide open for my loving, little mutt. If I feel this much love for a dog, imagine how much I would feel for a baby I carried in my belly for 9 months, breast fed and raised?

So I guess what I am asking your opinion on is, should I wait the 6 months and then decide on this or should I just say fuck it and do it now? The doctor all but guarantees me a baby with this method. My uterus is beautiful and she isn't concerned at all with my carrying the baby to term.

I really want to mother a child. Of course I want a genetic mix of hubby and myself. It is just that life is so short and I have spent quite a bit of it being sad. I just don't know how much more I should risk.

I welcome your candid thoughts on this controversial subject.

Smooth morning

The IUI went smoothly. The nurse doing the procedure is my favorite- we've been together since the beginning. Hopefully she and my lucky socks will make this a done deal.

I am going to relax for the rest of the day, and tomorrow too. And maybe try baby making the old fashion way to add to the 42 million strong swimmers (of the 137 million little guys in there) that are already on their way.

All I can say is think positive thoughts, pray if that's your thing, send forth intentions, solicit help from dead relatives, get your mind off the negative, use rituals, do visualizations, laugh, have fun, cast a spell, relax, meditate, carry around fertility rocks, dream, don't worry about it. That will be my job over the next 16 days and I'd appreciate any help from all of you out there in the universe that connects to the post. Choose your "thing" from the above. All it can do is help, and certainly couldn't hurt. Right?

Am I superstitious? You bet! Whatever it takes to get me to my dream. I am not giving up. No way, no how.

38 hours until the waiting game

I got the call- I will be taking the ovidrel tonight and going in for the IUI on Sunday morning. I am nervous and almost want to just put it out of my head. What can I do so I don't think about it?

So far I took a 3+ hour nap. That helped. My husband got a bunch of movies for us to watch. What I need is a massive chill pill to get my thoughts off of this and onto something completely distracting.

I can only imagine how my next two weeks will be. But I have gone through this before. I know what it feels like in both possible outcome scenarios. I'll be ok however it ends up. At least I hope I will be.

Silly me

I went for my scan and blood work this morning. It was a scary night leading up to it, though. I have actually been up since 2 am for a really silly thing I realized I did. For those familiar with gonal pen meds, the doctor put me on a high dose of 450 IU each evening. For those unfamiliar, the pen in is prefilled with medication that one uses each night until the pen is empty. When the pen runs out, you have to prick yourself again with a fresh new pen to get the remaining amount of dosage needed. Example, 300 IU left in a pen. Once I use it, I set the new pen for 150 IU- that gives me the total, appropriate dose of 450 IU. Two pricks unfortunately, but the correct dose nonetheless.

Last night I spent the night at a friend's house in Boston so I wouldn't have to do the double drive today (especially since I also had to go to Albany for a meeting tonight- the complete opposite direction- this knocks off 2 hours out of 7 for the day). I used up the first pen that I had- got 300 IU in that dose. That meant... I needed 150 IU more for the proper dose. I got the fresh pen out and ready to use, and somehow I got distracted. Instead of setting it for 150 IU, I set it and injected the full 450 IU. My reaction to the mix up? I didn't even notice I did anything wrong. I was happily clueless throughout the evening.

At about 2 am in the morning I woke up out of a sound sleep and realized- Oh shit! I took 750IU instead of 450! Needless to say, I was pretty freaked out. I was trying to decide if I would live. Was I flushed? I think I feel dizzy. Is it hot in here or is it the meds? How could I do this to me and my precious little follicles?

I had to talk myself down and say, self, what is the worst thing that could happen as a result? The worst thing would be that the cycle is canceled, but that won't happen. I could not get pregnant, but that could happen anyway. At least I would be at the doctor in the am and that there wasn't much I could do in the moment anyway. Just calm the effen down and try to relax. Relax I did. Sleep? Not really.

Come morning, I'm exhausted, but at least I can find out what I did to damage my body. Turns out, no one seemed to think it was a big deal. In fact, I think the doctor said it would have been much worse it I had took too little than too much. I shouldn't worry at all. It would have no effect. And these people call reproductive endocrinology a science? Hmmm. Boy do I feel much better, even if I over spent a few hundred dollars in meds last night.

So the update- I had about 8 developing follicles, with one definitely more dominant that the rest, however- let's see if the other buggers can catch up between now and Friday when I go back. I am tentative and still very hopeful. That is all I can do is hope, right? I guess I could spend the time worrying, but hoping is a much better feeling that worry.

On another note, my dad called me to check in today. It blew me away. Of course I missed his call, but I called him back quickly and reached him on his cell. He leaves it off most of the time. It is the first time in two years he actually called me rather than me calling him. Let me explain- He has had throat cancer and can't talk well so most of our exchanges are on email. About a year ago he had to have a tracheotomoy put in so talking is mostly a struggle for him. It is the royal cosmic irony in that my father has never been at a loss for words. Now he can speak a few minutes, at most. That is why it hurt even more when he critisize me the other day- few words to speak- and he chose negative ones to give me.

It was nice that he made that effort and it meant a lot to me. Just checking in was what he said he was doing. I know it probably means he has been rethinking the last week of verbal activities. Does he feel regret? I am not sure. At least he took the time to reach out. Even with his poor delivery on comments of late, he is still my dad and I love him.

Anticipation turns to freaking out

Ok- now I am freking out. I am still spotting- not very much at all but it is still there. It was a pink couple drops on Saturday a few brownish drops today. It seems too early to be my period. I am not actually due for it until this coming Saturday so the spotting began on day 21. I was cramping on Saturday too and a bit yesterday. Today it seems to have stopped.

I can't stand how this feels. I am making myself crazy and my husband thinks I am losing my mind. I may take a pregnancy test cause I am wond up so tight I may explode.