Ultrasound was a hit

12 weeks and counting. On Monday, I had my OB appointment. I hadn't seen this particular doctor since I was in the hospital with Sally Ann. "I have thought a lot about you over the last year. How are you?"

I burst out into tears. I am happy. Very happy. Even ecstatic. But all this excitement won't bring back my precious baby girl. Every fucking time I come to the office, I end up crying. It sucks.

We listened to the fetal heart beat and hugged. Things are going very well so far- completely normal, so she says. The new normal, I think. We decide that due to my high state of panic, I should come in more often, every two weeks, until at least until 19 weeks (that's when I delivered my daughter). I suggest we do this until about 24 weeks. Doc totally understands.

This morning we went for our first trimester screening which includes a highly sensitive ultrasound. Our little one is a mover and shaker, I'll tell you what! I couldn't believe how much exercise the little one was getting. It was amazing. I almost can't believe that I have this live being inside me, growing. I am so thankful to be in this moment. I hope I can stay in this moment until my next appointment.

Next week, I get to stop all my meds except the lovenox. I'm actually relieved that this part is over, but I'm panicked about stopping. Everyone says it's fine to stop. I need to trust that they know what they're talking about. We'll see. Maybe I'll ween myself off slowly.

The question of the day is this: to fetal dopple or not to fetal dopple? Should I rent a fetal heart monitor for the next few months or will that just make me more neurotic? What are your thoughts?

Catch up soon, I promise

I feel compelled to write even with the exhaustion I feel. I decided that castching up on all your blogs was more important than writing on my own. As a quick update, however, I have a follow appt with the OB tomorrow and have lots of questions ready to ask. We'll be listening to the heartbeat if all goes well.

On wednesday, I have a first trimester screening that includes a sensitive ultrasound- I will ask hubby to help me post the pics. I think I will feel more relieved once we do that. For now, I am still pretty anxious, but at least I am 100% present this time- I am taking the time to feel every feeling, good or bad.

Please know that I am reading, even when I am not writing. And now, I think I need to go to sleep.

9 weeks, 5 days- another milestone

I was wanting to post my u/s pics but I can't get my scanner to work. My hubby said he'd work on it but, if I wait for him to fix it, I may never blog again.

The u/s went well- baby is right on target, heart still beating- yippie. I also made it past another milestone. Last time, I developed a blood clot at 9 weeks, 2 days. Well that day came and went- no bleeding. I am so thankful that this pregnancy has been so different from the first, in so many ways.

Like my morning sickness, aka all-day sickness. I have been feeling like yuck yuck all the time and somehow love every minute of it. I went to the acupuncturist on Monday and she did some points to help ease the nausea. It worked like a charm- amazing- and yet I was scared shitless that something was wrong. Finally, on Thursday, the queasy feelings began to creep back in. I've decided that I'd rather be sick than worried.

My first OB appointment is Monday. All I want to know is when can I have another u/s?

I guess the next few milestones for me will be the end of the first trimester and then getting to the 24 week viability point. Last time around, my water broke at 17 weeks, 2 days and Sally Ann was born at 19 weeks. I keep telling others this- past performance has nothing to do with today. I do believe that- I just need to keep reminding myself. I deserve to be happy. I will be a wonderful mother.

Biding time until trimester #2

My next u/s is tomorrow. I will be 8 weeks and 6 days. So far, all has been well. I have felt conspicuously exhausted and nauseous which is heavenly for an infertile. I am savoring every tiring, sick moment.

I have begun to think back on "the last time"- not the smartest move from someone who suffers panic attacks. It was at 9 weeks 2 days that I developed the blood clot in my uterus. I know I will feel much better when that day comes and goes with no activity- but for now I am in the mode of trying not to get nervous. Even if I did get one, many women get blood clots that do not lead to preterm rupture of membranes. And- I am on lovenox for that very reason- to prevent blood clots. For now, I need to just surrender and be in the moment- good practice for being a mom. However, patience is not my strong point.

In other news, I am traveling for business later in the week and will have to give myself my own PIO shots. For those not familiar with what that is (be thankful), it is a big mother needle that goes right into the muscle of your outer butt region. First was going to make my husband and dog go with me on the trip. Then I figured, I'm a smart cookie, there is nothing I can't achieve.

I watched about 4 utube videos and then I retreated the to the master bath to figure things out. It turns out, I did a pretty good job of it. It actually hurt less than when hubby does it. Still, I'm going to have him do it on a regular basis until my trip and then when I return. I know this might sound silly, but that time is a bonding time- when he and come together and I feel like it's us two, as a team, making this happen.

Most of the time I feel likes it's me, alone,contorting myself into every possible position, even throwing myself against a steel wall to get a live baby for the two of us. It feels very one-sided. Not that hubby doesn't want a baby- he absolutely does. It's just, he gets to hang out mostly and then occasionally show up and jack off in a cup. Not really an equal partnership of responsibility on the fertility front. Ah- but he means well. I am so lucky that he has stuck around through this madness- my madness- he is definitely a keeper!

Houston- we have a heartbeat!

I will update you all a bit later...but I didn't want to wait longer to share the good news. I am now a graduate of Vincent Fertility Center ...wow! I can't believe I said that. Next stop- OB.

Coming along

Well, we had a bit of a scare last week. I was so scared, I couldn't blog. Beta numbers are supposed to double every other day. So my first beta was 63 and the sencond one was 85. The nurse said "they were concerned" about it. Why do they have to go and say those things?

The pain and fear and sadness I put myself through was horrible. I went to the dark place about of course this is my fate. Why did I think I could have this? Anyway, it was not a fun weekend with us.

I was freaked out beyond belief. Luckily, the first website I looked at (www.emedicine.com) mentioned that even an increase as low as 33% can still be consistent with a healthy pregnancy. I had not seen that before- I always had read 66%. Anyway, it made my hubby feel better and I had to re-read the website from my blackberry about once per hour or so to calm myself down.

On Monday morning, I got my next beta. All weekend I was praying for 213 (my lucky number). I got 189- good enough, more than doubled. On wednesday, I had 470! Everyone, including me, are very happy with the results. I have my u/s next Monday.

I would like to thank the Academy...

I'm pregnant!

Do you know how long I have waited to say those words? It feels surreal but I also have a calmness about me right now. I'm sure that will quickly fade but I am milking it for the time being. I am too happy for words.

I started testing on Monday. That one looked negative but then I noticed a very faint line at about the 6 minute mark. Still, I thought I was seeing something and I assumed the worst. When the story keeps having the same bad ending, you just assume.

On Tuesday, I got a slightly darker line- encouraging. Yesterday the line looked the same as Tuesday and I began to get worried again- how come it wasn't getting darker? The clinic let me come in a day early for my beta test since I was being a crazy lady and they wanted to put me out of my misery. I had the beta this morning and they confirmed I was most certainly pregnant.

All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you, for being here with me on this journey- women I have (mostly) never even officially met. I know this is only the beginning of a road that will be marked by uncertainty, fear, who knows.... it's great to know that you ladies will be here as I move forward- as we move forward towards our dreams.

It really does take a village...

Waiting

What to do during the 2ww? As an update, the transfer took place on day 5- 2 beautiful blastocysts. Of the others, only one was frozen as 3 arrested in their development, one was missing a key component of the blast, and the other one didn't make it.

I am so glad we didn't do a day three transfer. What if they had transferred one of the ones that didn't make it? On day three, all of them were looking stellar.

And now the wait. What to do? My RE said to relax for 72 hours and I am taking that to mean complete bed rest whereby my hubby waits on me hand and foot. It's already been 2 days. 12 more to go. What to do? Hmmm. What to do?

Retrieval

13 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature, 8 fertilized into embryos. Everything is going well so far. I just need to keep myself calm. All suggestions are welcomed. I go in for the day 3 transfer on Friday, but they might change it to Sunday "depending." I'll just wait and worry, and pray, and wear the lucky socks, visualize, think positive thoughts...you know the drill.

Any ideas on remaining calm, other than mind altering substances, I'd love to hear.

Looking good

The cycle is looking good. There are 16 great looking follicles and then a lot of "smaller ones." Tomorrow is the retrieval. Am I nervous? Yes, I am. I wonder how many will be retrieved, how many will fertilize and how many will make it to day 3 and day 5. I wonder whether I will have a day 3 or day 5 transfer. There are just so many things to wonder about, it can make a girl go nuts. I'm honestly trying not to think about it and keeping my mind occupied with other things.

I read this "Note from the universe" today....
"It's true- the early bird gets the worm.
So does the late bird and the bird in-between. Because by design, there are
always more than enough worms.
In fact, the only bird that doesn't get a worm, is the bird that doesn't go
out to get one."

I need to remind myself that I am on the right track, that I can have my heart's desire- I just need to keep my eye on the prize, and keep going...

Please wish me luck!

Nervous Wreck

I feeling like I am falling to pieces. This process is completely out of my control and I need to find a way to surrender to the whole thing. As many of you may know, I am quite the control queen so this is hard to say the least. I couldn't sleep last night. I have gone back and forth through fits of joy and crying episodes, and I have only been out of bed for about an hour.

My u/s yesterday went well. My uterus looks perfect- triple lining, nice and thick. I am ready to go. Still on Lupron and the vivelle patches in the am, aspirin and the lovenox at night. To that cocktail, I added a glass of 2005 Fransiscan Cabernet. It went down very nicely. My nurse coordinator said a little alcohol could be useful now, especially since I am completely off the anti-depressants and anti-anxieties at this point.

Ovaries- 14 right now, measuring between 9-12. I hope they all keep growing at the same rate- so the big ones slow down and the small ones catch up. Another u/s tomorrow- my clinic is pretty conversative and would like to check the progress daily.

Looks like we are still on for a Mon-Tuesday retrieval....

Let's say the serenity prayer- all together now...

So close, I can hardly stand it

I'm trying to keep my head up and be positive- the retrieval is scheduled to be around August 10-11th and the transfer will be 3-5 days after that. I've scheduled my pre and post transfer acupuncture sessions, I have convinced my hubby we need to stay in a hotel close to the hospital the day before and the day of the transfer (I want everything to be easy and calm). I've gone to a Mikvah- for those that do not know, it is a ritual bath that "cleanses" a person so that she can begin anew (call me superstitious- I am throwing every dart I have and hopefully one will stick). I have consulted with 2 perinatologists, one hematologist and two RE. I am going to counseling, joined a group that is in my situation, and, yes, I am even praying. I am listening to my visualization CD's, using the law of attraction, remembering the importance of humor, exercising to be in better physical shape. I am taking my meds like a perfect patient- Lupron in the am and vivelle patches every other day. I am ready to begin the rest of the protocol. I think I have covered everything?

At this point, it is out of my hands. If I have learned one thing, it's that the whole pregnancy is a miracle and all I can do now is hope.

For those of you in the know, I am starting a special, top secret, diva girl email list to share the info you just won't find on my daily blog- due to the fact that I was reckless and have given out this address to pretty much everyone (silly me!). If you want to hear the REAL story, please drop me an email at hotmamabear213@yahoo.com or any other email you have for me and I can add you to that musing. It won't be a daily thing so don't worry that I will flood your email box. I just wish I could say everything here- unfortunately I cannot. It goes back to the theory I have been hearing of late- you can't un-ring a bell; you can't un-tell information. It's not about keeping secrets, like there's something to be ashamed of. It's about me and my family's privacy. And frankly, all that matters right now is me and my family (to be).

In any case, some of you will probably end up on the list without asking- in which case, you can opt out. For others- your email is not on your blog so I couldn't add you if I tried (which I did)- so if I can have your permission, by giving me your email, I would be tickled pink. Think of it as a new level of our friendship- if you think I have let it hang out here, wait until "big brother" isn't around.

Next u/s for me is August 5th- please cross your fingers, think positive and wear lucky socks for me- you know I will be...

Happy Birthday, Sally Ann

I built up so much to this day, being worried and anxious about what it would feel like- how would I handle it? Would my world come crashing down? Honestly, it feels much like yesterday and much like I suspect tomorrow will feel. Every day is hard when you have lost a child. Infertility is just like salt on the wound.


But today is Sally Ann's birthday and there is no time for self pity. I picked and put some flowers in her garden. My hubby and I placed the memorial stone, crystals and shells yesterday in preparation. I scattered some of her ashes there, along with some rosemary that I got at a funeral for my friend's twins who died too soon. The Rosemary package reads "the act of scattering some (rosemary) and keeping the rest symbolically recognizes love that will forever live...some to keep and some to give."


I love you Sally Ann. You gave me hope, vulnerability, unconditional love, and compassion in your life cut short. I will give your hope, vulnerability, unconditional love and compassion to the world in the way I live my life. Happy Birthday. I love you now and always.

This time last year

It was at about this time last year when I finally accepted that my pregnancy was doomed and agreed to induce labor on poor Sally Ann. While I was in labor for 18 hours, making my due date tomorrow, this moment of resignation was the lowest point in my life to date. I so wanted to ignore the doctors and perinatologists. Maybe they were wrong. Why couldn't I have the miracle? Why was this happening to my baby?

Due to the risk to my life and future ability to conceive and carry a child, we ended this little beauty's life. With no amniotic fluid, I was told, even if she made it to 24 weeks, she would endure a painful death from premature lungs. She never had a chance.

My hubby and I worked on Sally Ann's memorial garden today. I'll show and tell tomorrow. We added a memorial stone and some special rocks and shells I've collected from all over the world. I am contemplating spreading her ashes tomorrow, but I am not sure I am ready to part with them. maybe I can put just a few ashes there? Is that weird?

I can't believe it's been a year. I love you sweet baby. I'll never forget you and the love you brought to my life.

Falling to pieces and then remembering I can have it all

The first part of the day sucked. I went for a second opinion from a perinatologist so that I'll be all set when I get prego. What I didn't realize is that I had been to that office before- for my first trimester screening with Sally Ann. I handled that realization pretty well, even with a waiting room full of pregnant women.

They took me in immediately and asked when my due date was. I handled it well. Then the nurse kept making things worse- "oh I am so sorry I said anything, blah, blah, blah." "Do you usually have high blood pressure?"

Ok- I lost it. By the time the doctor got there, I was a bumbling fool. He was patient and understanding. We went over the autopsy results, the placenta pathology report and my prothrombin factor II mutation in a lot of detail- more so that ever before. We have a plan in place that I feel good about. I will continue on the Lovenox, and we'll add progesterone shots at week 16. This is said to help extend the term of babies in mothers who had previous premature losses.

He said there was never anything I could have done to save Sally Ann. By the time the clot occurred in week 9, taking Lovenox at that point would not have saved the pregnancy. The water breaking was still just a fluke, and is very rare. It was probably due to the bleeding. The bleeding was likely due to the clot. But the clot- may or may not be as a result of the thrombin factor 2 mutation. Just a lot of unknowns and I need to just accept that.

He doesn't suggest I try to have twins, only because he hates for me to add any additional stress to the situation. After all that has happened, I really want twins. Not sure what to do with this information. I guess I don't have to make any decisions today. What are YOUR thoughts? I mean I will be on Lovenox this time and that is supposed to address my issue. So what further issue is there if that is being addressed?

When I got home, I immediately went to my blog reader where EVERYTHING changed. Today is a day of great news. From positive betas, to healthy linings and good follicle counts, to twins on the u/s, to several healthy births, today is a day to celebrate. I feel so happy for all my bloggy chick friends. And I know that my time is coming. It may be hard for me today but I know that it can happen to me too. I can have my heart's desire. My dream can come true now. I need to keep believing that this is my time.

Jizo

Here is a picture of my memorial garden for Sally Ann.
Jizo statue to protect the souls of departed babies (Lola, my dog, in the background)



Another view of the garden with Boo (kitty). Japenese Maple, shells I collected, Lilies and ornamental grass.



Sally Ann was born and died on July 26th, 2008.

Am I losing it?

Thanks for all your well wishes about the Lupron. I really am losing it because I meant to say it was the Lovenox that stings. The Lupron, which I began on Tuesday, is a breeze. The Lovenox, on the other hand, is creating a war zone on my belly. I had my hubby take some photos of it so that I can show the kids what I did to have them. I'd post them here but the they make me look fat so never mind.

I started volunteering for Resolve, The National Infertility Association. I am one of their moderators in the Thursday night teleseries. They have a great line up of specialists and topics. I encourage any of you who have an interest, to take a look.

Everything is status quo right now for me until next week. I am getting a second opinion from a perinatalogist at a local hospital so that, WHEN I get pregnant (see the optimism here???), I will have taken all the precautions needed to ensure a smooth and easy pregnancy.

Lousy Lupron

Is it me or does the Lupron sting? I thought I was a wiz at the subQ injection thing but I seem to hear myself say, "ow" every night- and I have had some nasty bruises on my tummy since I started this about 10 days ago.

I am into the game now with a transfer looking like around the 14th of August. Am I happy? I don't think I can say that yet. Am I hopeful? Same thing. Hope has not been my friend in the past so I step forward with some degree of caution. I have started to do my morning visualization ritual again, though. I picture the end in mind- what I truly want (my own live baby) as if I already had it. And then I revel in the feeling of that contentment.

Sound "Secret-esque"??? I was really into The Secret for a while and got A LOT of cool yet creepy financial rewards from the experience(which may be the subject of yet another future blog). Anyway, I began doing this morning visualization back 4 years ago and I stopped at about the time my mother died (which, by the way, the two-year anniversary is this Sunday, June 12). Even if nothing supernatural happens, at least the ritual gets me into a more hopeful place which I believe I will need much of in the weeks to come. In addition, I will be doing the usual- lucky socks, praying, etc.

My first ultrasound is on July 17- just a week before the 1 -year anniversary of Sally Ann.

Regret Reemergence

I saw the hematologist today. She shared with me that the prothrombin factor 2 gene mutation I have can commonly cause baby loss during the second trimester of pregnancy- this is because the placenta has had time to build up lots of vascular connections and clots can begin to form within those connections. So my body basically purged itself of my otherwise healthy, perfect baby. Who the heck knows. Even with with the blood clot, I could have been ok. My water breaking was just another rare result of the bleeding.

The what if's come flooding back. The hematology director came in to discuss my case with me and urged me not to play Monday morning quarterback. At least we know now. Great. I know they all mean well but it doesn't help Sally Ann, my precious baby. My only baby.

The reason why they don't commonly test for this when women experience bleeding and clots in pregnancy is 1) The gene mutation isn't all that common and bleeding is common in pregnancy and 2) the test costs like $4000. I wish I knew. I'd pay all the money I owned to have known about this and paid for the test out of pocket.

Ok- so we move forward now, right? They said I can stay on the pill. I will start on lovenox (blood thinner) injections as soon as they arrive from my mail-order pharmacy and stay on them until about 6 weeks after giving birth. There is no reason to believe that I will have future issues with this.

In anticipation of Father's Day

Well apparently Hallmark doesn't make cards for bereaved fathers who have lost their babies. I tried two stores near my home with a score of 0-2. I guess if I had some forethought, I could have found something online. Oh well.

I think I'll actually be more sad tomorrow than hubby. He really didn't get to bond with Sally Ann. My theory is that women bond with their children while pregnant, once they begin to feel the baby move. Men, I believe, bond after birth, when they can hold and feel their precious baby in their arms. Nonetheless, the road that we've been on will certainly bring up some feelings tomorrow. I just hope I am in a place where I can be there for him like he has been there for me over these past 4 years.

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On another note, I got a disturbing message yesterday afternoon from the Hell nurse at my fertility clinic. The committee has reviewed my file and they think I should see a hematologist before the procedure. Fine. But- they recommend my ceasing the BCP until the consult, which will put my transfer back a month. No way. You can blow me, miss nurse.

I am not doing anything until Monday when I can discuss this more rationally. I was on BCP for years with no issue. I have no intention of pushing this back a month so that I can have the consult. I'd rather start blood thinners now if I need to but don't tell me, after I have been sitting around for the past few months with my finger up my butt waiting that I need to postpone another month. No no no no- no can do. Sorry, Ma'am- but we're doing it my way this time.

Wow- I feel so much better now...

BFN

Well- I gave it all I could. Can't say I didn't do everything humanly possible to bring a mini me into this world. For the first time ever I was 5 days late and actually beginning to fantasize again. Joke's on me, it seems.

I'll take that hope into my next chapter. I started BCP today for an August "alternative family building activity" (is that cryptic enough for the non-knowers?).

Wish me luck. I'll need all of you to lean on as I grieve, accept things things I cannot change, heal, move on, and become ready to receive new life within me- all in 8 weeks and counting...

Healing Ritual

I went to a memorial service today. It was for two beautiful twins, Matthew and Ashley, who died too soon, at 5 months in utero. I met the mother and father soon after Sally Ann died, at a baby loss group. Even then, though obviously distraught, the dead baby mama had a composure about her that I envied. I never did learn that composure and, even today, when I talk about Sally Ann, it is with tear-filled eyes and a bit of stuttering.

It has been a year since the twins died and, in a grand cathedral mass, we joined together to honor lives cut short- lives that had little living, but had no shortage of love during their lifetimes. We were there for a formal memorial to validate that yes- these children lived and breathed just like as you and I do, even if it were for only a moment.

I watched in awe at the rituals that the priest performed. This is alien territory for me, being somewhat of a heathen myself. But it made my think about how this ritual, this rite of passage, this formal ceremony was creating healing. I looked at this dead baby mama and, for the first time, saw tears streaming down her face. She let go and publicly grieved the loss of her hopes and dreams. She was vulnerable. There was healing that was occurring right in front of my eyes.

I wondered as I cried- because I always cry- if there is something equally as special and fitting of the anniversary of my Sally Ann's birth/death. Although I am extremely outgoing and social by nature, I am also surprisingly a private person- so my ritual would be something different. What would help me to heal? It won't be about closure, because that will never happen. I can never feel complete about what happened. Don't tell me it was God's will. Don't tell me that things happen for a reason.

I'd like to put it out there to other dead baby mamas and friends of ours- what kind of rituals did you do or would you suggest for me to honor the legacy of love that Sally Ann gave to me? How might I memorialize and give back to the universe the lifetime of love that she and I shared for all too short a time.

I miss you Sally Ann.

I'm Not Alone

I joined a group of other women contemplating and using DE. The idea is to discuss issues, concerns, mind trips, etc, that come up while testing the waters of this option. It is led by a professional and she can keep me reeled in when I get too close the edge.

I was reading another woman's blog this afternoon and she hit the nail on the head- my life has been about waiting for the last 4+ years- waiting until I have a baby. Do I expect this flawed road to change any time soon? No- but isn't acknowledging your problem the first step in recovery?

In any case, this DE option has begun looking more and more attractive, though I am not ready to commit to it on this blog, if that makes any sense. It's just too private and raw for me right now. I don't like putting myself out there all vulnerable when I can be wounded by family and well-meaning friends.

Which brings me to my family. Many of you read of the debacle a few months back when a family member backed out as a donor for me. Well- they (that part of the family)have cut me off and are not speaking with me. They are angered that I publicly shared my dirty laundry on this blog (forget about the fact that this is an anonymous blog and I didn't mention who the donor was and most of the people I know don't even know this blog exists). Well- they want nothing to do with me because I am a "user" - not once an apology about backing out. In fact, they maintain that she was disqualified by the program, even though we call know (and the fertility program confirmed) that is not the case.

It is just so surreal- I lose out on my life's dream AGAIN, and then I am the bad guy. You know what- I'm over you, you mean people. Think and say what you like. It's your loss, not mine. And let's add insult to injury why don't I? I think the reason that my family member wanted to donate for me was not because she cared about me. It's because she saw $$$ signs. I was very grateful and offered to give her 6K towards some outstanding loans that she had. She had the nerve to counter and ask me for 26k. Can you imagine? What kind of donation does that make? When I respectfully declined (6K is a very generous amount to give a family member- most accept nothing for this gift and the Society American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends payments of 3.5-5K since it is for the effort, not the egg), I believe that was the beginning of the end for that opportunity.

Anyway, don't we feel much better getting that off our chests? I have just woken from a nap where a huge tiger was chasing me through a crowd of people. It was sort of transfixed on me, almost not noticing the people it ran past while gaining speed on me. What does this have to do with what I just said? I am not sure, but I woke up feeling like blogging about the above- so be it. I guess it's my way of coping and making sense of it all. And because this blog is for ME- and no one else, thank you- that's all that matters.

2WW Numbness

I've been here before. The two week wait. It's been a challenge to remain hopeful with the array of BFN that have come before. This month I used clomid- I had the prescription from my last clomid challenge test. They wrote it for a refill so I took advantage. It's all I've got since I lost the insurance coverage from the family egg donor debacle a couple months back.

It is funny how disorganized I've been. I took the meds per the directions- I mean, I am an old friend to clomid. This is probably the 12th time (or more) I've taken it for some reason or another. I know the signs- flushing, hot flashes...not the friendliest wife to be around. I did the deed, several times, but didn't really pay attention to the ovulation signs- just made sure it was enough to cover all the bases- just in case.

Now I have completely forgot what day it is. Is it day 20? Is it day 23? I am not sure what's happened. I haven't been going to the acupuncturist much lately (she helps me keep track because she asks me each week). I am usually so detail oriented. I suspect it's because it is easier this way than to be completely engaged and invested and then heartbroken again.

Who knows? If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got. Maybe I'm on to something. No- I am not delusional. Just numb in this two week wait.

Getting over Mother's Day

It has taken about this long to decide where to go from here. Mother's day was surreal this year. The first mother's day without my baby- last year I was pregnant on this day, which distracted me from the fact that it was the first mother's day without my mother. But what do you do on a very special day, as a motherless child and as a mother without her child?

I kept myself busy, wishing well to those on my husband's side of the family. We took his mom out to brunch and did the gift thing. It wasn't until a stranger smiled at me and said happy mother's day that I realized how sad I still am. I have gotten very good at keeping the tears stuffed inside so I just smiled back.

What do you say to a mother who has lost her baby? I think for most people, they don't consider me a mother. There was no tangible thing for them to see, to hold, and to remember. But there is for me. I went through 18 hours of labor. I held my baby who died in childbirth. I will always remember. I will always mourn my precious Sally Ann.
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On a separate note, I received a wonderful card the other day. I wrote my previous post that I committed a random act of kindness- I had donated my extra fertility meds to a stranger that was unable to afford IVF because her insurance did not cover it and the cost is about 5K. I hadn't thought I would need it since I was moving on to donor egg- so I showed up on her doorstep with the possible help to have a child. The moment was profound. It was an end of my dream and the beginning of hers. Well, she wrote me to say she was pregnant and she thanked me for the gift I was able to give.

I was so happy for her and I pray that hers is an easy, uneventful pregnancy.

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I have so much more to report on, but I suddenly am teary-eyed. I write this blog to share my feelings and experiences, to get it out rather than keeping it bottled up. I also hope that my words help someone else that may feel the same.

I haven't written recently because I wondered if writing was keeping me stuck in this place of grief. On the contrary, I realize it is great, healing therapy. I feel worse, more sad, more grief stricken, when I do not write. So I will keep writing, more often than once per month. If you see that I haven't written in while, please reach out to check in. Please don't let me hide out.