Anxiety Sets In as the Date Draws Near

I am so excited as the date gets closer. My c-section is less than 2 weeks away. But the fear is setting in.

Will I get my life's dream? Will it be taken away from me in a nano second like before? Yesterday we had a scare that brought us into the doctor. I thought I didn't feel the baby move and we rushed in. The baby really wasn't moving much. After about 30 minutes on the non stress machine and a cup of very cold water, she was moving up a storm. Her heart rate was good and I was getting some contractions.

Now I don't know if I convinced myself that something was wrong. Doc says it happens to everyone, not just the dead baby mamas. It made me feel better. Still, I hope these two weeks don't kill me.

Attached are some of the most recent pics of me from a few weeks ago.

Yeah, but...

I am so excited now about what may actually come to pass in the next few weeks...my hormones are pulsing through my body. One moment I am happy as a clam, the next I am frantic and scared that something may go wrong...the following moment, I am hysterical over the loss of Sally Ann.

There is so much emotion brewing. I am a well spring of feelings right now. It is a most confusing time.

The happier I get about the little girl within me, the sadder I feel about baby number 1.

"Is this your first?" Will people quit asking me that freakin question?

I am feeling confused. I should be so happy...and I am. But I have so many more, unwanted emotions that accompany me on this journey. I suppose this is my life and I might as well get used to it.

Does anyone have words of wisdom?

32 weeks, 4 pounds, 14 ounces

Baby is doing well so far- growing well, moving lots. I'm holding my breath yet feeling more secure about her. I can't wait to hold her. I mean- let's not have a premie, but I am counting the days until we meet.

I go for another 3D u/s this weekend- can't wait to see her pretty face again. I am also going to my very own baby shower. I was hesitant to even tolerate one before the birth, but I'll take the risk this time and spend an afternoon celebrating what almost surely will be- with friends who love me and will be there for me either way.

Funny- I used to hate baby showers. I would put on my fake smile and pretend that it didn't hurt that I was still childless in the presence of pregnant women and women with children. It was a torment that I put myself through because I really wanted to be there for those whom I loved. But it hurt. It was a sad and lonely feeling.

I wonder if I will feel weird this weekend...I am not sure that one can ever leave behind the infertile or the dead baby mama persona. Maybe all that will make me more grateful and appreciative of what lies ahead. Time will tell. Wish me luck...

60 days and counting

It has been decided that I will undergo a scheduled c-section on April 28th. That means, barring any unforeseen tragedy or early delivery, I will meet my sweetie cakes 60 days from today. I am so excited now. I can't even believe it. Still I preface "unforeseen tragedy." I don't think that can ever change. It is just the nature of who I am today- the new woman I became after my baby has died and my heart was ripped out from within me.

But for my baby number 2, I owe it to her to find a warm and welcoming stance. She cannot be my second choice. She is just as important to me as baby number 1. And, after all, she is all I have now.

The New Normal

It is funny how this term continues to change its meaning in my life. For a long time, it meant life after my mom's death coupled with life after the death of my first baby girl. I could not go back to who I was before. No, I became am a new woman after the deaths of the two most important females in my life to date. I was no longer filled with hope and optimism. I felt scared and scarred. I felt like I was drowning, mostly.

Increasingly, though, my new normal has been a normal pregnancy- at least normal for me. I wouldn't even begin to compare mine with the happy go lucky 20-something oops sort of experience. No, my pregnancy arrived here, kicking and screaming, with much ongoing poking and prodding, and took a village to create. But here I am now, alone in my bed, 7 months pregnant with the little one moving and shaking to the lullabies I am playing on the laptop. To see me, no one would be the wiser regarding the journey I have taken. I mean there is no mistaking the fact that I am pregnant. And I am doing all the pregnant woman sort of things- eating lots of food, waddling about here and there, looking at baby sites, nesting, reading Dr. Sears....the new normal is that I feel like a pregnant woman and nothing more. I haven't been obsessing with the journey and all its painful the twists and turns.

The only indicator that there is something different is when the dreaded question gets asked, "is this your first?" I want to say, "is that any of your business?" I called the OB yesterday and the answering service asked me that question. It kind of brought me back to reality. Ah well, it wasn't the end of the world and I have gotten a bit of practice of late.

I wonder if motherhood will be a new normal or just normal.

For those who have asked...a pic taken today...28 weeks, 5 days.

Something has clicked in me

I'm feeling like a mother. I have been obsessed with anything baby. It's almost an illness. My baby girl already has a full red sox, patriots and bruins wardrobe. Don't get me wrong. My superstitions and fears are always with me- even through the hours I spend combing online baby stores and picking through my registry.

I was at a discount store today and my husband came up with a pair of pink little toddler winter boots. They were on sale. It was the sweetest thing I've seen. He is genuinely, completely thrilled. My dad purchased an antique child's barber chair for "his granddaughter." He is over the top too.

"Is this your first?" is the question of the hour. Everywhere I go, people feel the need to ask. How do I answer this? Usually I say no. I say my first died in childbirth. I don't say it to get a rise or make them feel uncomfortable. I say it because Sally Ann will always hold the place in my heart as my first baby girl. It just doesn't seem right to negate that.

I think I will always feel a bit of sadness from what has been. I can't believe I can say it has gotten easier. Easier in the sense that I can function and think about it at the same time. Easier in that my flood of tears has slowed to usually only a few tears at a time. I don't know if I truly believe in life beyond death but I pray each day that I will be with my baby in death.

For now, I'll shop for the living. For me and my next baby girl.

Plugging away

Almost 17 weeks. I can't believe it. Not that the time has gone fast. On the contrary, it is going in slow motion slow. 16 weeks 1 day. 16 weeks 2 days...you get the idea.

We had another u/s this week. All looks great. Baby wasn't cooperating so no goes it on what the gender is. I have my hopes, but a live healthy baby is the most important thing to me.

Last year, my water broke at 17 weeks and I delivered Sally Ann prematurely 2 weeks later. This time for me is very tense. I know that this pregnancy has nothing to do with the last one, but the heart doesn't understand that. So many circumstances remind me of last time. So many questions that will never be answered- the most important one being - did it have to end that way or was there something I could have done?

Why even ask, I wonder. For now, I am fast forwarded back to the here and now. I am just another pregnant woman in the prenatal yoga class. Just another lady with a baby registry at Babies R Us. I wish I could be just another ignorantly blissful woman with child. I supposed I have to settle for who I am. It is certainly better than the alternative. And please believe me when I share how grateful I truly am to be here with baby number 2.

Ultrasound was a hit

12 weeks and counting. On Monday, I had my OB appointment. I hadn't seen this particular doctor since I was in the hospital with Sally Ann. "I have thought a lot about you over the last year. How are you?"

I burst out into tears. I am happy. Very happy. Even ecstatic. But all this excitement won't bring back my precious baby girl. Every fucking time I come to the office, I end up crying. It sucks.

We listened to the fetal heart beat and hugged. Things are going very well so far- completely normal, so she says. The new normal, I think. We decide that due to my high state of panic, I should come in more often, every two weeks, until at least until 19 weeks (that's when I delivered my daughter). I suggest we do this until about 24 weeks. Doc totally understands.

This morning we went for our first trimester screening which includes a highly sensitive ultrasound. Our little one is a mover and shaker, I'll tell you what! I couldn't believe how much exercise the little one was getting. It was amazing. I almost can't believe that I have this live being inside me, growing. I am so thankful to be in this moment. I hope I can stay in this moment until my next appointment.

Next week, I get to stop all my meds except the lovenox. I'm actually relieved that this part is over, but I'm panicked about stopping. Everyone says it's fine to stop. I need to trust that they know what they're talking about. We'll see. Maybe I'll ween myself off slowly.

The question of the day is this: to fetal dopple or not to fetal dopple? Should I rent a fetal heart monitor for the next few months or will that just make me more neurotic? What are your thoughts?

9 weeks, 5 days- another milestone

I was wanting to post my u/s pics but I can't get my scanner to work. My hubby said he'd work on it but, if I wait for him to fix it, I may never blog again.

The u/s went well- baby is right on target, heart still beating- yippie. I also made it past another milestone. Last time, I developed a blood clot at 9 weeks, 2 days. Well that day came and went- no bleeding. I am so thankful that this pregnancy has been so different from the first, in so many ways.

Like my morning sickness, aka all-day sickness. I have been feeling like yuck yuck all the time and somehow love every minute of it. I went to the acupuncturist on Monday and she did some points to help ease the nausea. It worked like a charm- amazing- and yet I was scared shitless that something was wrong. Finally, on Thursday, the queasy feelings began to creep back in. I've decided that I'd rather be sick than worried.

My first OB appointment is Monday. All I want to know is when can I have another u/s?

I guess the next few milestones for me will be the end of the first trimester and then getting to the 24 week viability point. Last time around, my water broke at 17 weeks, 2 days and Sally Ann was born at 19 weeks. I keep telling others this- past performance has nothing to do with today. I do believe that- I just need to keep reminding myself. I deserve to be happy. I will be a wonderful mother.

Biding time until trimester #2

My next u/s is tomorrow. I will be 8 weeks and 6 days. So far, all has been well. I have felt conspicuously exhausted and nauseous which is heavenly for an infertile. I am savoring every tiring, sick moment.

I have begun to think back on "the last time"- not the smartest move from someone who suffers panic attacks. It was at 9 weeks 2 days that I developed the blood clot in my uterus. I know I will feel much better when that day comes and goes with no activity- but for now I am in the mode of trying not to get nervous. Even if I did get one, many women get blood clots that do not lead to preterm rupture of membranes. And- I am on lovenox for that very reason- to prevent blood clots. For now, I need to just surrender and be in the moment- good practice for being a mom. However, patience is not my strong point.

In other news, I am traveling for business later in the week and will have to give myself my own PIO shots. For those not familiar with what that is (be thankful), it is a big mother needle that goes right into the muscle of your outer butt region. First was going to make my husband and dog go with me on the trip. Then I figured, I'm a smart cookie, there is nothing I can't achieve.

I watched about 4 utube videos and then I retreated the to the master bath to figure things out. It turns out, I did a pretty good job of it. It actually hurt less than when hubby does it. Still, I'm going to have him do it on a regular basis until my trip and then when I return. I know this might sound silly, but that time is a bonding time- when he and come together and I feel like it's us two, as a team, making this happen.

Most of the time I feel likes it's me, alone,contorting myself into every possible position, even throwing myself against a steel wall to get a live baby for the two of us. It feels very one-sided. Not that hubby doesn't want a baby- he absolutely does. It's just, he gets to hang out mostly and then occasionally show up and jack off in a cup. Not really an equal partnership of responsibility on the fertility front. Ah- but he means well. I am so lucky that he has stuck around through this madness- my madness- he is definitely a keeper!

Waiting

What to do during the 2ww? As an update, the transfer took place on day 5- 2 beautiful blastocysts. Of the others, only one was frozen as 3 arrested in their development, one was missing a key component of the blast, and the other one didn't make it.

I am so glad we didn't do a day three transfer. What if they had transferred one of the ones that didn't make it? On day three, all of them were looking stellar.

And now the wait. What to do? My RE said to relax for 72 hours and I am taking that to mean complete bed rest whereby my hubby waits on me hand and foot. It's already been 2 days. 12 more to go. What to do? Hmmm. What to do?

Retrieval

13 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature, 8 fertilized into embryos. Everything is going well so far. I just need to keep myself calm. All suggestions are welcomed. I go in for the day 3 transfer on Friday, but they might change it to Sunday "depending." I'll just wait and worry, and pray, and wear the lucky socks, visualize, think positive thoughts...you know the drill.

Any ideas on remaining calm, other than mind altering substances, I'd love to hear.

Nervous Wreck

I feeling like I am falling to pieces. This process is completely out of my control and I need to find a way to surrender to the whole thing. As many of you may know, I am quite the control queen so this is hard to say the least. I couldn't sleep last night. I have gone back and forth through fits of joy and crying episodes, and I have only been out of bed for about an hour.

My u/s yesterday went well. My uterus looks perfect- triple lining, nice and thick. I am ready to go. Still on Lupron and the vivelle patches in the am, aspirin and the lovenox at night. To that cocktail, I added a glass of 2005 Fransiscan Cabernet. It went down very nicely. My nurse coordinator said a little alcohol could be useful now, especially since I am completely off the anti-depressants and anti-anxieties at this point.

Ovaries- 14 right now, measuring between 9-12. I hope they all keep growing at the same rate- so the big ones slow down and the small ones catch up. Another u/s tomorrow- my clinic is pretty conversative and would like to check the progress daily.

Looks like we are still on for a Mon-Tuesday retrieval....

Let's say the serenity prayer- all together now...

Lousy Lupron

Is it me or does the Lupron sting? I thought I was a wiz at the subQ injection thing but I seem to hear myself say, "ow" every night- and I have had some nasty bruises on my tummy since I started this about 10 days ago.

I am into the game now with a transfer looking like around the 14th of August. Am I happy? I don't think I can say that yet. Am I hopeful? Same thing. Hope has not been my friend in the past so I step forward with some degree of caution. I have started to do my morning visualization ritual again, though. I picture the end in mind- what I truly want (my own live baby) as if I already had it. And then I revel in the feeling of that contentment.

Sound "Secret-esque"??? I was really into The Secret for a while and got A LOT of cool yet creepy financial rewards from the experience(which may be the subject of yet another future blog). Anyway, I began doing this morning visualization back 4 years ago and I stopped at about the time my mother died (which, by the way, the two-year anniversary is this Sunday, June 12). Even if nothing supernatural happens, at least the ritual gets me into a more hopeful place which I believe I will need much of in the weeks to come. In addition, I will be doing the usual- lucky socks, praying, etc.

My first ultrasound is on July 17- just a week before the 1 -year anniversary of Sally Ann.

BFN

Well- I gave it all I could. Can't say I didn't do everything humanly possible to bring a mini me into this world. For the first time ever I was 5 days late and actually beginning to fantasize again. Joke's on me, it seems.

I'll take that hope into my next chapter. I started BCP today for an August "alternative family building activity" (is that cryptic enough for the non-knowers?).

Wish me luck. I'll need all of you to lean on as I grieve, accept things things I cannot change, heal, move on, and become ready to receive new life within me- all in 8 weeks and counting...

Healing Ritual

I went to a memorial service today. It was for two beautiful twins, Matthew and Ashley, who died too soon, at 5 months in utero. I met the mother and father soon after Sally Ann died, at a baby loss group. Even then, though obviously distraught, the dead baby mama had a composure about her that I envied. I never did learn that composure and, even today, when I talk about Sally Ann, it is with tear-filled eyes and a bit of stuttering.

It has been a year since the twins died and, in a grand cathedral mass, we joined together to honor lives cut short- lives that had little living, but had no shortage of love during their lifetimes. We were there for a formal memorial to validate that yes- these children lived and breathed just like as you and I do, even if it were for only a moment.

I watched in awe at the rituals that the priest performed. This is alien territory for me, being somewhat of a heathen myself. But it made my think about how this ritual, this rite of passage, this formal ceremony was creating healing. I looked at this dead baby mama and, for the first time, saw tears streaming down her face. She let go and publicly grieved the loss of her hopes and dreams. She was vulnerable. There was healing that was occurring right in front of my eyes.

I wondered as I cried- because I always cry- if there is something equally as special and fitting of the anniversary of my Sally Ann's birth/death. Although I am extremely outgoing and social by nature, I am also surprisingly a private person- so my ritual would be something different. What would help me to heal? It won't be about closure, because that will never happen. I can never feel complete about what happened. Don't tell me it was God's will. Don't tell me that things happen for a reason.

I'd like to put it out there to other dead baby mamas and friends of ours- what kind of rituals did you do or would you suggest for me to honor the legacy of love that Sally Ann gave to me? How might I memorialize and give back to the universe the lifetime of love that she and I shared for all too short a time.

I miss you Sally Ann.

I'm Not Alone

I joined a group of other women contemplating and using DE. The idea is to discuss issues, concerns, mind trips, etc, that come up while testing the waters of this option. It is led by a professional and she can keep me reeled in when I get too close the edge.

I was reading another woman's blog this afternoon and she hit the nail on the head- my life has been about waiting for the last 4+ years- waiting until I have a baby. Do I expect this flawed road to change any time soon? No- but isn't acknowledging your problem the first step in recovery?

In any case, this DE option has begun looking more and more attractive, though I am not ready to commit to it on this blog, if that makes any sense. It's just too private and raw for me right now. I don't like putting myself out there all vulnerable when I can be wounded by family and well-meaning friends.

Which brings me to my family. Many of you read of the debacle a few months back when a family member backed out as a donor for me. Well- they (that part of the family)have cut me off and are not speaking with me. They are angered that I publicly shared my dirty laundry on this blog (forget about the fact that this is an anonymous blog and I didn't mention who the donor was and most of the people I know don't even know this blog exists). Well- they want nothing to do with me because I am a "user" - not once an apology about backing out. In fact, they maintain that she was disqualified by the program, even though we call know (and the fertility program confirmed) that is not the case.

It is just so surreal- I lose out on my life's dream AGAIN, and then I am the bad guy. You know what- I'm over you, you mean people. Think and say what you like. It's your loss, not mine. And let's add insult to injury why don't I? I think the reason that my family member wanted to donate for me was not because she cared about me. It's because she saw $$$ signs. I was very grateful and offered to give her 6K towards some outstanding loans that she had. She had the nerve to counter and ask me for 26k. Can you imagine? What kind of donation does that make? When I respectfully declined (6K is a very generous amount to give a family member- most accept nothing for this gift and the Society American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends payments of 3.5-5K since it is for the effort, not the egg), I believe that was the beginning of the end for that opportunity.

Anyway, don't we feel much better getting that off our chests? I have just woken from a nap where a huge tiger was chasing me through a crowd of people. It was sort of transfixed on me, almost not noticing the people it ran past while gaining speed on me. What does this have to do with what I just said? I am not sure, but I woke up feeling like blogging about the above- so be it. I guess it's my way of coping and making sense of it all. And because this blog is for ME- and no one else, thank you- that's all that matters.

2WW Numbness

I've been here before. The two week wait. It's been a challenge to remain hopeful with the array of BFN that have come before. This month I used clomid- I had the prescription from my last clomid challenge test. They wrote it for a refill so I took advantage. It's all I've got since I lost the insurance coverage from the family egg donor debacle a couple months back.

It is funny how disorganized I've been. I took the meds per the directions- I mean, I am an old friend to clomid. This is probably the 12th time (or more) I've taken it for some reason or another. I know the signs- flushing, hot flashes...not the friendliest wife to be around. I did the deed, several times, but didn't really pay attention to the ovulation signs- just made sure it was enough to cover all the bases- just in case.

Now I have completely forgot what day it is. Is it day 20? Is it day 23? I am not sure what's happened. I haven't been going to the acupuncturist much lately (she helps me keep track because she asks me each week). I am usually so detail oriented. I suspect it's because it is easier this way than to be completely engaged and invested and then heartbroken again.

Who knows? If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got. Maybe I'm on to something. No- I am not delusional. Just numb in this two week wait.

Getting over Mother's Day

It has taken about this long to decide where to go from here. Mother's day was surreal this year. The first mother's day without my baby- last year I was pregnant on this day, which distracted me from the fact that it was the first mother's day without my mother. But what do you do on a very special day, as a motherless child and as a mother without her child?

I kept myself busy, wishing well to those on my husband's side of the family. We took his mom out to brunch and did the gift thing. It wasn't until a stranger smiled at me and said happy mother's day that I realized how sad I still am. I have gotten very good at keeping the tears stuffed inside so I just smiled back.

What do you say to a mother who has lost her baby? I think for most people, they don't consider me a mother. There was no tangible thing for them to see, to hold, and to remember. But there is for me. I went through 18 hours of labor. I held my baby who died in childbirth. I will always remember. I will always mourn my precious Sally Ann.
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On a separate note, I received a wonderful card the other day. I wrote my previous post that I committed a random act of kindness- I had donated my extra fertility meds to a stranger that was unable to afford IVF because her insurance did not cover it and the cost is about 5K. I hadn't thought I would need it since I was moving on to donor egg- so I showed up on her doorstep with the possible help to have a child. The moment was profound. It was an end of my dream and the beginning of hers. Well, she wrote me to say she was pregnant and she thanked me for the gift I was able to give.

I was so happy for her and I pray that hers is an easy, uneventful pregnancy.

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I have so much more to report on, but I suddenly am teary-eyed. I write this blog to share my feelings and experiences, to get it out rather than keeping it bottled up. I also hope that my words help someone else that may feel the same.

I haven't written recently because I wondered if writing was keeping me stuck in this place of grief. On the contrary, I realize it is great, healing therapy. I feel worse, more sad, more grief stricken, when I do not write. So I will keep writing, more often than once per month. If you see that I haven't written in while, please reach out to check in. Please don't let me hide out.

Too Old to Take a Break?

Well- Aunt flow is back to visit. I've had the regular crying fits, regrets, anger, and grief episodes again. What can I do? Not much except keep going.

It is cycle day 1. I am going to wait until next month to do what is supposed to be my last IUI. My doctor wants another clomid challenge test so, since I am in TX on business, I can do that easily from here and give my body one more month on all the fertility enhancing things I'm on to work (that would be the DHEA, the Folate megadoses, essential fatty acids, multi, baby aspirin, herbal tea, acupuncture, massage, visualizations, and prayer). Let's all imagine nice and low cycle day 3 FSH numbers, shall we? For those not in the know, we want a number lower than 10- let's shoot for 9. That's what it was in November. Last month, it was 14.2. So, my cycle day 3 test in on Thursday morning, for those of you who have time to send good intentions.

For those wondering why I need that test at this point in the game, depending on how this and my last cycle goes, will determine next steps for me. I responded pretty well this past cycle in terms of follicle production for the IUI. Another good cycle and maybe IVF is still in the picture. If I don't respond well, egg donation is a real possibility. I have a family member who is willing to donate for me and I suppose that could truly be the best next thing for me. I mean- it's been 4 years, lots of loss, and lots of pain. I really would just like to get on with it now and be a mom.

You probably won't hear much more from me regarding donor eggs. If I move forward, it will be IVF either way and be sure I will tell you all those details as I progress. Those of you who have grown close to me, feel free to email me on the sly for the skinny as time goes on. I just think that, for now, the choice I end up making will be a private one for me and my family- something for my children to share rather than me posting on the 5 pm news, if you know what I mean.

Who knows- I've been an open book all along. Maybe I will share how things move forward. For now, I am hoping that the clomid month yields an immaculate conception, or that the next and possibly last IUI is the one that takes.

With love and tears,

Lisa DG