"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Christmas and Beyond

Well the day came and went fairly uneventfully. Rather than spending it with our families, we decided to spend the time, just the two of us, quietly at home. No tree. No presents. I barely even opened all the holiday cards yet.

At the last minute (the night before), our neighbors invited us over for their special luncheon. They had way too much food and needed help. We obliged. it was actually really nice being with people who are pretty much removed from the whole situation. I actually enjoyed myself and we got to leave when we were ready to go.

I suspect that the anti-depressants have begun to kick in by now. I am feeling fairly ambivalent rather than feeling like I am on the hope and despair roller coaster. I guess that's good.

I have been thinking a lot about Sally Ann lately though. Not so much thinking about her, but remembering back to holding her. I remember how small and fragile she was, her tiny body bruised by the mere act of a natural child birth. I never took any pictures. I really regret that. I spent some time complaining about that with my husband the other day. How come the nurse never suggested I take pictures? After I finished bitching, my husband informed me that they did offer and that I declined. I have no recall of this. Maybe I was in shock or maybe repulsed by the idea of memorializing such a traumatic experience. In any case, that ship has left the port.

My IUI was uneventful. I have been resting ever since and plan to continue that protocol for the next couple of days. I am a very superstitious person and so, of course, I am looking for signs all over the place (see Tertia's blog "so close" to understand fully what I am talking about). The curse of "what's meant to be." Is it fate I lost Sally Ann (how ridiculous is that?)? If I heard my favorite sound on another woman's blog and she used donated eggs, maybe it is a sign that I should choose that path. I wonder, I wonder. What is my next step on this road? I hope that, as I come around the bend, I'll find out my pain and wait is over.

Maybe I should have a blood mary and take a nap instead.


Zil said...

Dear Lisa - It's good that you were able to enjoy some of the day with your neighbors.

Looking back is so hard. There are so many things I wish I'd done or said. I'll have to remember your saying "that ship has left the post". Maybe it'll help me let go.

As for fate - you were not destined to lose Sally Ann. It was just an awful event that no one can explain. There was no reason why.

I'll be sending you good thoughts over the next couple of weeks as you wait for the IUI results!

Cara said...

Lisa- glad that you stayed close to home.

Re - the nurse offering pictures. I completly get the no recollection part. Lately, I am asking all kinds of questions as I write further into the book...and some of the answers I get make my jaw drop.

What do you think should be the protocol? Do you think the nurses should just leave a disposable camera in the room? Or call NILMDTS without asking? I know the power of pictures. We only have one and I truly regret not taking my own.

Again - shock, post -delivery body and lack of an actual camera held me back.

twondra said...

I found your blog as a follower of mine. Thanks so much for following my blog and I hope it's okay I follow yours!

I'm soooo sorry about all you've been through. I'm thinking of you! (((HUGS)))

Good Egg Hunting said...

I am here from L&F and am so sorry that Christmas was so difficult for you. It is so hard to look back and have regrets but we do what we need to do in the moment and I am sure that you did what was best for you. Thinking of you and fingers crossed for your IUI!

Hillary said...

I am so sorry for the anniversary of your loss. So very sorry.
Here from L&F.