"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I would like to thank the Academy...

I'm pregnant!

Do you know how long I have waited to say those words? It feels surreal but I also have a calmness about me right now. I'm sure that will quickly fade but I am milking it for the time being. I am too happy for words.

I started testing on Monday. That one looked negative but then I noticed a very faint line at about the 6 minute mark. Still, I thought I was seeing something and I assumed the worst. When the story keeps having the same bad ending, you just assume.

On Tuesday, I got a slightly darker line- encouraging. Yesterday the line looked the same as Tuesday and I began to get worried again- how come it wasn't getting darker? The clinic let me come in a day early for my beta test since I was being a crazy lady and they wanted to put me out of my misery. I had the beta this morning and they confirmed I was most certainly pregnant.

All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you, for being here with me on this journey- women I have (mostly) never even officially met. I know this is only the beginning of a road that will be marked by uncertainty, fear, who knows.... it's great to know that you ladies will be here as I move forward- as we move forward towards our dreams.

It really does take a village...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


What to do during the 2ww? As an update, the transfer took place on day 5- 2 beautiful blastocysts. Of the others, only one was frozen as 3 arrested in their development, one was missing a key component of the blast, and the other one didn't make it.

I am so glad we didn't do a day three transfer. What if they had transferred one of the ones that didn't make it? On day three, all of them were looking stellar.

And now the wait. What to do? My RE said to relax for 72 hours and I am taking that to mean complete bed rest whereby my hubby waits on me hand and foot. It's already been 2 days. 12 more to go. What to do? Hmmm. What to do?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


13 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature, 8 fertilized into embryos. Everything is going well so far. I just need to keep myself calm. All suggestions are welcomed. I go in for the day 3 transfer on Friday, but they might change it to Sunday "depending." I'll just wait and worry, and pray, and wear the lucky socks, visualize, think positive thoughts...you know the drill.

Any ideas on remaining calm, other than mind altering substances, I'd love to hear.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Looking good

The cycle is looking good. There are 16 great looking follicles and then a lot of "smaller ones." Tomorrow is the retrieval. Am I nervous? Yes, I am. I wonder how many will be retrieved, how many will fertilize and how many will make it to day 3 and day 5. I wonder whether I will have a day 3 or day 5 transfer. There are just so many things to wonder about, it can make a girl go nuts. I'm honestly trying not to think about it and keeping my mind occupied with other things.

I read this "Note from the universe" today....
"It's true- the early bird gets the worm.
So does the late bird and the bird in-between. Because by design, there are
always more than enough worms.
In fact, the only bird that doesn't get a worm, is the bird that doesn't go
out to get one."

I need to remind myself that I am on the right track, that I can have my heart's desire- I just need to keep my eye on the prize, and keep going...

Please wish me luck!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Nervous Wreck

I feeling like I am falling to pieces. This process is completely out of my control and I need to find a way to surrender to the whole thing. As many of you may know, I am quite the control queen so this is hard to say the least. I couldn't sleep last night. I have gone back and forth through fits of joy and crying episodes, and I have only been out of bed for about an hour.

My u/s yesterday went well. My uterus looks perfect- triple lining, nice and thick. I am ready to go. Still on Lupron and the vivelle patches in the am, aspirin and the lovenox at night. To that cocktail, I added a glass of 2005 Fransiscan Cabernet. It went down very nicely. My nurse coordinator said a little alcohol could be useful now, especially since I am completely off the anti-depressants and anti-anxieties at this point.

Ovaries- 14 right now, measuring between 9-12. I hope they all keep growing at the same rate- so the big ones slow down and the small ones catch up. Another u/s tomorrow- my clinic is pretty conversative and would like to check the progress daily.

Looks like we are still on for a Mon-Tuesday retrieval....

Let's say the serenity prayer- all together now...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

So close, I can hardly stand it

I'm trying to keep my head up and be positive- the retrieval is scheduled to be around August 10-11th and the transfer will be 3-5 days after that. I've scheduled my pre and post transfer acupuncture sessions, I have convinced my hubby we need to stay in a hotel close to the hospital the day before and the day of the transfer (I want everything to be easy and calm). I've gone to a Mikvah- for those that do not know, it is a ritual bath that "cleanses" a person so that she can begin anew (call me superstitious- I am throwing every dart I have and hopefully one will stick). I have consulted with 2 perinatologists, one hematologist and two RE. I am going to counseling, joined a group that is in my situation, and, yes, I am even praying. I am listening to my visualization CD's, using the law of attraction, remembering the importance of humor, exercising to be in better physical shape. I am taking my meds like a perfect patient- Lupron in the am and vivelle patches every other day. I am ready to begin the rest of the protocol. I think I have covered everything?

At this point, it is out of my hands. If I have learned one thing, it's that the whole pregnancy is a miracle and all I can do now is hope.

For those of you in the know, I am starting a special, top secret, diva girl email list to share the info you just won't find on my daily blog- due to the fact that I was reckless and have given out this address to pretty much everyone (silly me!). If you want to hear the REAL story, please drop me an email at hotmamabear213@yahoo.com or any other email you have for me and I can add you to that musing. It won't be a daily thing so don't worry that I will flood your email box. I just wish I could say everything here- unfortunately I cannot. It goes back to the theory I have been hearing of late- you can't un-ring a bell; you can't un-tell information. It's not about keeping secrets, like there's something to be ashamed of. It's about me and my family's privacy. And frankly, all that matters right now is me and my family (to be).

In any case, some of you will probably end up on the list without asking- in which case, you can opt out. For others- your email is not on your blog so I couldn't add you if I tried (which I did)- so if I can have your permission, by giving me your email, I would be tickled pink. Think of it as a new level of our friendship- if you think I have let it hang out here, wait until "big brother" isn't around.

Next u/s for me is August 5th- please cross your fingers, think positive and wear lucky socks for me- you know I will be...