"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Smooth morning

The IUI went smoothly. The nurse doing the procedure is my favorite- we've been together since the beginning. Hopefully she and my lucky socks will make this a done deal.

I am going to relax for the rest of the day, and tomorrow too. And maybe try baby making the old fashion way to add to the 42 million strong swimmers (of the 137 million little guys in there) that are already on their way.

All I can say is think positive thoughts, pray if that's your thing, send forth intentions, solicit help from dead relatives, get your mind off the negative, use rituals, do visualizations, laugh, have fun, cast a spell, relax, meditate, carry around fertility rocks, dream, don't worry about it. That will be my job over the next 16 days and I'd appreciate any help from all of you out there in the universe that connects to the post. Choose your "thing" from the above. All it can do is help, and certainly couldn't hurt. Right?

Am I superstitious? You bet! Whatever it takes to get me to my dream. I am not giving up. No way, no how.

Friday, November 28, 2008

38 hours until the waiting game

I got the call- I will be taking the ovidrel tonight and going in for the IUI on Sunday morning. I am nervous and almost want to just put it out of my head. What can I do so I don't think about it?

So far I took a 3+ hour nap. That helped. My husband got a bunch of movies for us to watch. What I need is a massive chill pill to get my thoughts off of this and onto something completely distracting.

I can only imagine how my next two weeks will be. But I have gone through this before. I know what it feels like in both possible outcome scenarios. I'll be ok however it ends up. At least I hope I will be.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Silly me

I went for my scan and blood work this morning. It was a scary night leading up to it, though. I have actually been up since 2 am for a really silly thing I realized I did. For those familiar with gonal pen meds, the doctor put me on a high dose of 450 IU each evening. For those unfamiliar, the pen in is prefilled with medication that one uses each night until the pen is empty. When the pen runs out, you have to prick yourself again with a fresh new pen to get the remaining amount of dosage needed. Example, 300 IU left in a pen. Once I use it, I set the new pen for 150 IU- that gives me the total, appropriate dose of 450 IU. Two pricks unfortunately, but the correct dose nonetheless.

Last night I spent the night at a friend's house in Boston so I wouldn't have to do the double drive today (especially since I also had to go to Albany for a meeting tonight- the complete opposite direction- this knocks off 2 hours out of 7 for the day). I used up the first pen that I had- got 300 IU in that dose. That meant... I needed 150 IU more for the proper dose. I got the fresh pen out and ready to use, and somehow I got distracted. Instead of setting it for 150 IU, I set it and injected the full 450 IU. My reaction to the mix up? I didn't even notice I did anything wrong. I was happily clueless throughout the evening.

At about 2 am in the morning I woke up out of a sound sleep and realized- Oh shit! I took 750IU instead of 450! Needless to say, I was pretty freaked out. I was trying to decide if I would live. Was I flushed? I think I feel dizzy. Is it hot in here or is it the meds? How could I do this to me and my precious little follicles?

I had to talk myself down and say, self, what is the worst thing that could happen as a result? The worst thing would be that the cycle is canceled, but that won't happen. I could not get pregnant, but that could happen anyway. At least I would be at the doctor in the am and that there wasn't much I could do in the moment anyway. Just calm the effen down and try to relax. Relax I did. Sleep? Not really.

Come morning, I'm exhausted, but at least I can find out what I did to damage my body. Turns out, no one seemed to think it was a big deal. In fact, I think the doctor said it would have been much worse it I had took too little than too much. I shouldn't worry at all. It would have no effect. And these people call reproductive endocrinology a science? Hmmm. Boy do I feel much better, even if I over spent a few hundred dollars in meds last night.

So the update- I had about 8 developing follicles, with one definitely more dominant that the rest, however- let's see if the other buggers can catch up between now and Friday when I go back. I am tentative and still very hopeful. That is all I can do is hope, right? I guess I could spend the time worrying, but hoping is a much better feeling that worry.

On another note, my dad called me to check in today. It blew me away. Of course I missed his call, but I called him back quickly and reached him on his cell. He leaves it off most of the time. It is the first time in two years he actually called me rather than me calling him. Let me explain- He has had throat cancer and can't talk well so most of our exchanges are on email. About a year ago he had to have a tracheotomoy put in so talking is mostly a struggle for him. It is the royal cosmic irony in that my father has never been at a loss for words. Now he can speak a few minutes, at most. That is why it hurt even more when he critisize me the other day- few words to speak- and he chose negative ones to give me.

It was nice that he made that effort and it meant a lot to me. Just checking in was what he said he was doing. I know it probably means he has been rethinking the last week of verbal activities. Does he feel regret? I am not sure. At least he took the time to reach out. Even with his poor delivery on comments of late, he is still my dad and I love him.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Part 2 to the bad day

For all those that commented about my cruel step mom, I appreciated your kind words. Part 2 goes like this- I decide to call my dad on Wednesday to let him know I wasn't pregnant. About 15 seconds into the call, right after I told him the news, he ripped right into me, letting me know how fat I looked when he saw me and that every time he sees me I get fatter and fatter. When I told hm the doctor told me to just hold off on weight loss right now because he doesn't want my hormones to get out of wack, my dad tells me I am lying. I am lying? He says either I am lying or my doctor is a quack and I should find another doctor.

I can't believe how supportive and loving my family is.

I told my dad I will lose weight once the baby comes. He tells me he hardly believes that one and I should just put off getting pregnant until I lose the weight. Then he compares me to step sisters- they have stressful lives- how come they didn't gain weight?

I don't think I have ever felt as alone in this world as I do right now. I need to talk to my doctor about anti-depressants. I feel like jumping off a bridge about now-except for the fact that I want a baby so bad- if that longing and hope wasn't there, I am pretty sure I would need to be committed.

Bereaved Parents' Wish List

My new friend Michelle found this on line- I thought it was appropriate to post

Bereaved Parents' Wish List
I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't wan't to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, it is certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand~understand my loss and my grief. But, I pray daily that you will never understand.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Not yet

So- it was probably implantation bleeding...and then a miscarriage. I am on cycle day 3 today. I haven't been able to write up to now. The spotting stopped and then the floodgates opened. The doctor thought my lining was particularly thick this morning and wouldn't be surprised if that was what happened.

I started my injections tonight- my blood tests were fine. I am back at the MD on Tuesday morning for a scan. I am sad, disappointed, and yet hopeful. I have a burning desire to be a mom. I am not giving up on this dream of mine!

I would like to take this opportunity to share what a nasty woman my step mom is. On Monday night she told me I was a horrible daughter to my father. Drunk and screaming at me, she accused me of lying about being on bed rest last summer and that it was somehow my own fault that I lost my baby by going to Puerto Rico.

She says I don't make the 3 hour drive to see my dad enough. I do my best. I travel for a living, barely see my husband as it is, and drive back and forth to Boston for my treatments (2 hours each way). I drive 1 hour each way to work (in the opposite direction of Boston). I have come every month to see my dad since I moved home in September of 2007 except when I was on bed rest in May, in the hospital in July, and last month when I was on the road two out of four weekends for work. I gave up a position I loved and was successful in, my friends and a life I was content with- for the sole reason to move closer to him. My husband gave up his job so that I could be close to my dad. When I told her that I am trying, and doing my best to be there for him, she told me it wasn't good enough and that my step sister is a better daughter to him than me. She topped it off with saying I am fat. And she did the whole thing with a knife in her hand and so close to me she was stepping on my toes and practically spitting in my face with her drunken breath. Oh- and she topped it off with sharing sordid info about when she was my dad's mistress when he was still married to my mother.

Real pleasant.

Guess what you nearly 70 old woman- I don't answer to you. You are not my mother. You are nothing like my mother- you can't hold a candle to her. Why not keep off the booze and act like a fucking adult. You don't know me. You don't know me at all. I love my father more than you will ever know. I respect him and love him more than you are even capable of. And by the way- I hate the way you yell at him.

What hurts the most is that I thought we had a wonderful relationship. I really cared about her. Every so often I would tell her I loved her- never did she return the sentiment. On her deathbed, my grandmother told me not to trust her. Now I know why she said that.

There is a part 2 to this- but I am too aggravated to write about it tonight. Inquiring minds will need to wait until tomorrow- after my much needed massage appointment.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Anticipation turns to freaking out

Ok- now I am freking out. I am still spotting- not very much at all but it is still there. It was a pink couple drops on Saturday a few brownish drops today. It seems too early to be my period. I am not actually due for it until this coming Saturday so the spotting began on day 21. I was cramping on Saturday too and a bit yesterday. Today it seems to have stopped.

I can't stand how this feels. I am making myself crazy and my husband thinks I am losing my mind. I may take a pregnancy test cause I am wond up so tight I may explode.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Well- it's been 11 days since my IUI. A week from today, I can go for the blood test. The waiting has been a bit brutal and I just try to think of other things. Yesterday was day 10 and I had a small amount of spotting (implantation bleeding???). I am hoping that is a good sign.

For the first time since the procedure I am actually am feeling really hopeful and happy. Wouldn't it be nice if I got pregnant nice and easy and had a smooth, flawless pregnancy? Wouldn't it be nice if, 5 years down the road, I don't even remember what my FSH levels were, or estradiol, or what ttc stands for (trying to conceive for those of you who do not know).

Today I am focusing on the hope. Why not now? Why not me?

Friday, November 7, 2008

The waiting game

Ok- so we did the deed yesterday- I stayed lying down pretty much all day and night, other than my acupuncture appointment. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...get pregnant. May this be a nice and easy process.

Now for the dark side- I have been crying all day. I am filled with fear and grief. How much can one person take? I think I have had my share now. I just need to remind myself that sometimes it takes a few months to get pregnant. What if I just think about something completely different?

What can I think about? I don't know. I can really drive myself crazy over this. Ok- any ideas? What is the soonest I can take a pregnancy test? I am scheduled to take a blood test on 11/23- a Sunday. I will find a lab open for this, but I bet I won't get my results back until Monday.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Each day brings me closer to my baby.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Praying for myself

Tomorrow I go for the IUI- 10:30 am EST. I am really not trying to think too much about it. I am just going about my days keeping busy and taking care of myself.

However, if you are so inclined, say a prayer, think positive intentions, have a moment of silence, or sing a song for me, my beautiful, fertile egg, and D's strong, fast swimming sperm. May there be the perfect melding together, and may they slide gently into my uterus and stick there nice a comfy.

Yes we can...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

So far, so good

Well, I am on day 8 and feeling ok so far. I've been on injectibles for 5 days now and go back to the doctor early Tuesday morning. It looks like the IUI will be around Thursday or so. Of course, that is right in the middle of a business trip I have. It is the universe's way of reminding me that my number one priority must be my family- and here's my perfect test. I've squared away my work plan B and am getting ready to receive whatever comes next.

I was at a follicle scan yesterday morning, and in came Dr. T. I hadn't seen him since he discharged me from the reproductive department last May- he had said, "our work is done" and he told me to go find an OB near my home. As he walked into the room yesterday, I found myself holding back the tears. I can't believe this is how it turned out.

As I lay there, legs spread, watching the scan, I looked at a particularly large follicle, thinking, that might be my next baby. Hope is the appropriate emotion right now.

To everyone who reads this: please think and send fertile baby juju thoughts my way. I'll take all I can get.