"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Friday, February 27, 2009

Time Flies

Time flies when you're having fun. I am on cycle day 4, shooting up my gonal pen, hoping for the best.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Hmm. Day after Day 1 Eve

Aunt flow hasn't showed yet. I'm not usually ever late, but I took a test just in case- negative. Even though I knew the way it would end up, from all the practice, I still held out that ray of hope. I am am just as sad as ever about another loss.

For those of you who have not been through this, each month is a loss. Certainly it is not like the loss I had when I lost Sally Ann, but still it is a sharp pain. I've lost the hope and dreams I make each month. This time, I lose the dream of a Thanksgiving baby, all my family gathering around to take care of things for our feast while I lay back in bed nursing my Sagittarius child. And her (like how I called her a she?) godmother is also Sagittarius. How great is that?

Don't feel too sorry for me. This is the third or fourth loss of the "Thanksgiving baby." While it doesn't get easier, per say, at least I know I'll make it through.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Day 1 Eve

There are so many eve's that we revel in, think about with anticipation, and just can't wait to experience.

Here's one I know all too well and dread: Day 1 Eve. Tomorrow is cycle day 28 of a cycle we "took off" to get my body in balance after the last early miscarriage. While I know if is most likely coming quick, there is that twinge of hope that says, "you could actually be pregnant. How great would that be if you just got preggo naturally, after all you've endured?"

To this, Hubby says, "well that would take care of a lot of stuff, wouldn't it?"

Yes it would. That would be a story I could think back on and almost laugh about (probably not). After all the pain, the years of fertility treatment, the loss of Sally Ann, some sweet goodness could come in the end? Excuse my skepticism, but I can't seem to hold my breath at this time. It is just easier to not get my hopes up. I am secretly planning a plan B for myself which is not quite how I had pictured my motherhood, but I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

In any case, I am looking at today as Day 1 Eve. I wonder what tomorrow, and next cycle, will bring.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Time Flies

Can it really be 2 weeks since I blogged? I guess it goes in waves and there are times I feel burnt out- like I need to retreat, so that I can come back, as my full, real self.

I am now on day 19 of the cancelled cycle. I could be pregnant though I am not really holding anything miraculous is going to happen right now.

In fact, I am now examining all the family building options I could have. I want to get off the roller coaster and start the phase of my life I call "family" more than to continue to struggle and fight for the things called "my genetic children." I don't know what road this journey will lead to. My secret hope is that I am one of those great stories you hear about regarding the friend that had an "oops" just as she resigned herself to another means for motherhood.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Super Bowl Cocktails

Well- I suppose I can drink tonight and so I will be grateful for the small things. Plus, we're having a smashing menu:

Slow Cooked BBQ Ribs- house made sauce, of course
Crispy wings with a house made Jamaican Jerk sauce
Mexican Pork Green Chili, made with tomatillos and lots of garlic!
Smashed Avocado Dip with chips and sliced veggies

Forgot to invite any guests. That's ok- I'm not much of a host these days. Still, I think I'll surprise my husband and dress up for him.

It's day 7 in a cancelled cycle. I have nothing to do but relax, and try to just be me. Still, I feel like I should be DOING something.