"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Something has clicked in me

I'm feeling like a mother. I have been obsessed with anything baby. It's almost an illness. My baby girl already has a full red sox, patriots and bruins wardrobe. Don't get me wrong. My superstitions and fears are always with me- even through the hours I spend combing online baby stores and picking through my registry.

I was at a discount store today and my husband came up with a pair of pink little toddler winter boots. They were on sale. It was the sweetest thing I've seen. He is genuinely, completely thrilled. My dad purchased an antique child's barber chair for "his granddaughter." He is over the top too.

"Is this your first?" is the question of the hour. Everywhere I go, people feel the need to ask. How do I answer this? Usually I say no. I say my first died in childbirth. I don't say it to get a rise or make them feel uncomfortable. I say it because Sally Ann will always hold the place in my heart as my first baby girl. It just doesn't seem right to negate that.

I think I will always feel a bit of sadness from what has been. I can't believe I can say it has gotten easier. Easier in the sense that I can function and think about it at the same time. Easier in that my flood of tears has slowed to usually only a few tears at a time. I don't know if I truly believe in life beyond death but I pray each day that I will be with my baby in death.

For now, I'll shop for the living. For me and my next baby girl.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Meet the Baby

Here is my beautiful daughter, age 22 weeks. I can hardly believe how great she looks with the 3D ultrasound. Amazing! It was very much a bonding experience for my husband and me. We felt somehow closer to her by being able to watch her move and shake within me. For those who can and have access, I highly recommend the experience.

For the next 24 hours, I pretty much did nothing else but gaze at her pretty pictures, all 150 of them on a CD that I got to take with me.

It feels real now. I was planning on not telling people I was pregnant until I was past the 24 week milestone. However, I decided to relax into this pregnancy and have some faith that things may work out well this time. To this end, I shared my status on face book this morning. That is a very big step for me. I got showered with congratulations and well wishes.

My only hope is that the rest of the pregnancy goes by faster than the first half. I love the feeling of being pregnant right now, but the fear still creeps back in daily and I'd be ever so happy to reach the full term day of my pregnancy and have a happy, easy and healthy delivery.