"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Too Old to Take a Break?

Well- Aunt flow is back to visit. I've had the regular crying fits, regrets, anger, and grief episodes again. What can I do? Not much except keep going.

It is cycle day 1. I am going to wait until next month to do what is supposed to be my last IUI. My doctor wants another clomid challenge test so, since I am in TX on business, I can do that easily from here and give my body one more month on all the fertility enhancing things I'm on to work (that would be the DHEA, the Folate megadoses, essential fatty acids, multi, baby aspirin, herbal tea, acupuncture, massage, visualizations, and prayer). Let's all imagine nice and low cycle day 3 FSH numbers, shall we? For those not in the know, we want a number lower than 10- let's shoot for 9. That's what it was in November. Last month, it was 14.2. So, my cycle day 3 test in on Thursday morning, for those of you who have time to send good intentions.

For those wondering why I need that test at this point in the game, depending on how this and my last cycle goes, will determine next steps for me. I responded pretty well this past cycle in terms of follicle production for the IUI. Another good cycle and maybe IVF is still in the picture. If I don't respond well, egg donation is a real possibility. I have a family member who is willing to donate for me and I suppose that could truly be the best next thing for me. I mean- it's been 4 years, lots of loss, and lots of pain. I really would just like to get on with it now and be a mom.

You probably won't hear much more from me regarding donor eggs. If I move forward, it will be IVF either way and be sure I will tell you all those details as I progress. Those of you who have grown close to me, feel free to email me on the sly for the skinny as time goes on. I just think that, for now, the choice I end up making will be a private one for me and my family- something for my children to share rather than me posting on the 5 pm news, if you know what I mean.

Who knows- I've been an open book all along. Maybe I will share how things move forward. For now, I am hoping that the clomid month yields an immaculate conception, or that the next and possibly last IUI is the one that takes.

With love and tears,

Lisa DG


Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry Lisa, I wish this could be different.

dreamsandfalsealarms said...

DE looms so large, it is really understandable that you want to pull in, and make a new set of choices.
Take care

mrsmuelly said...

Lisa, I'm so sorry. This just sucks. I will be crossing my fingers for low Day 3 numbers...and an immaculate Clomid conception. (((((Hugs))))) to you.

BagMomma said...

Best wishes wherever the path leads you...

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm sorry Lisa. Bummer to hear. I'm hoping everything goes well on Thursday and magically clomid will work the trick.

Keep us posted. Still praying for you.


Natalie said...

I'm so sorry Lisa. :( I hope your numbers are low enough to keep your options open.

Cara said...

Oh Lisa - so sorry to hear this. I really was hoping and praying (and yes - visuallizing) different news.

You bet - I'll check in with you and feel free to rant in my inbox whenever you need. Might you make it to the Memory Walk we are having? What a wonderful chance to finally meet you that would be!!


robinbird said...

I love you sweet sister! I wish there was more that I could do than just send you my love. I believe & know you will be an awesome mom one day soon-- I know this in my heart to be true! xoxox

Kami said...

Dreams and false alarms said it so well.

I really hope you get lucky with IUI or get to at least try an IVF with your eggs.