"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Happy Birthday, Sally Ann

I built up so much to this day, being worried and anxious about what it would feel like- how would I handle it? Would my world come crashing down? Honestly, it feels much like yesterday and much like I suspect tomorrow will feel. Every day is hard when you have lost a child. Infertility is just like salt on the wound.

But today is Sally Ann's birthday and there is no time for self pity. I picked and put some flowers in her garden. My hubby and I placed the memorial stone, crystals and shells yesterday in preparation. I scattered some of her ashes there, along with some rosemary that I got at a funeral for my friend's twins who died too soon. The Rosemary package reads "the act of scattering some (rosemary) and keeping the rest symbolically recognizes love that will forever live...some to keep and some to give."

I love you Sally Ann. You gave me hope, vulnerability, unconditional love, and compassion in your life cut short. I will give your hope, vulnerability, unconditional love and compassion to the world in the way I live my life. Happy Birthday. I love you now and always.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

This time last year

It was at about this time last year when I finally accepted that my pregnancy was doomed and agreed to induce labor on poor Sally Ann. While I was in labor for 18 hours, making my due date tomorrow, this moment of resignation was the lowest point in my life to date. I so wanted to ignore the doctors and perinatologists. Maybe they were wrong. Why couldn't I have the miracle? Why was this happening to my baby?

Due to the risk to my life and future ability to conceive and carry a child, we ended this little beauty's life. With no amniotic fluid, I was told, even if she made it to 24 weeks, she would endure a painful death from premature lungs. She never had a chance.

My hubby and I worked on Sally Ann's memorial garden today. I'll show and tell tomorrow. We added a memorial stone and some special rocks and shells I've collected from all over the world. I am contemplating spreading her ashes tomorrow, but I am not sure I am ready to part with them. maybe I can put just a few ashes there? Is that weird?

I can't believe it's been a year. I love you sweet baby. I'll never forget you and the love you brought to my life.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Falling to pieces and then remembering I can have it all

The first part of the day sucked. I went for a second opinion from a perinatologist so that I'll be all set when I get prego. What I didn't realize is that I had been to that office before- for my first trimester screening with Sally Ann. I handled that realization pretty well, even with a waiting room full of pregnant women.

They took me in immediately and asked when my due date was. I handled it well. Then the nurse kept making things worse- "oh I am so sorry I said anything, blah, blah, blah." "Do you usually have high blood pressure?"

Ok- I lost it. By the time the doctor got there, I was a bumbling fool. He was patient and understanding. We went over the autopsy results, the placenta pathology report and my prothrombin factor II mutation in a lot of detail- more so that ever before. We have a plan in place that I feel good about. I will continue on the Lovenox, and we'll add progesterone shots at week 16. This is said to help extend the term of babies in mothers who had previous premature losses.

He said there was never anything I could have done to save Sally Ann. By the time the clot occurred in week 9, taking Lovenox at that point would not have saved the pregnancy. The water breaking was still just a fluke, and is very rare. It was probably due to the bleeding. The bleeding was likely due to the clot. But the clot- may or may not be as a result of the thrombin factor 2 mutation. Just a lot of unknowns and I need to just accept that.

He doesn't suggest I try to have twins, only because he hates for me to add any additional stress to the situation. After all that has happened, I really want twins. Not sure what to do with this information. I guess I don't have to make any decisions today. What are YOUR thoughts? I mean I will be on Lovenox this time and that is supposed to address my issue. So what further issue is there if that is being addressed?

When I got home, I immediately went to my blog reader where EVERYTHING changed. Today is a day of great news. From positive betas, to healthy linings and good follicle counts, to twins on the u/s, to several healthy births, today is a day to celebrate. I feel so happy for all my bloggy chick friends. And I know that my time is coming. It may be hard for me today but I know that it can happen to me too. I can have my heart's desire. My dream can come true now. I need to keep believing that this is my time.

Friday, July 10, 2009


Here is a picture of my memorial garden for Sally Ann.
Jizo statue to protect the souls of departed babies (Lola, my dog, in the background)

Another view of the garden with Boo (kitty). Japenese Maple, shells I collected, Lilies and ornamental grass.

Sally Ann was born and died on July 26th, 2008.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Am I losing it?

Thanks for all your well wishes about the Lupron. I really am losing it because I meant to say it was the Lovenox that stings. The Lupron, which I began on Tuesday, is a breeze. The Lovenox, on the other hand, is creating a war zone on my belly. I had my hubby take some photos of it so that I can show the kids what I did to have them. I'd post them here but the they make me look fat so never mind.

I started volunteering for Resolve, The National Infertility Association. I am one of their moderators in the Thursday night teleseries. They have a great line up of specialists and topics. I encourage any of you who have an interest, to take a look.

Everything is status quo right now for me until next week. I am getting a second opinion from a perinatalogist at a local hospital so that, WHEN I get pregnant (see the optimism here???), I will have taken all the precautions needed to ensure a smooth and easy pregnancy.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Lousy Lupron

Is it me or does the Lupron sting? I thought I was a wiz at the subQ injection thing but I seem to hear myself say, "ow" every night- and I have had some nasty bruises on my tummy since I started this about 10 days ago.

I am into the game now with a transfer looking like around the 14th of August. Am I happy? I don't think I can say that yet. Am I hopeful? Same thing. Hope has not been my friend in the past so I step forward with some degree of caution. I have started to do my morning visualization ritual again, though. I picture the end in mind- what I truly want (my own live baby) as if I already had it. And then I revel in the feeling of that contentment.

Sound "Secret-esque"??? I was really into The Secret for a while and got A LOT of cool yet creepy financial rewards from the experience(which may be the subject of yet another future blog). Anyway, I began doing this morning visualization back 4 years ago and I stopped at about the time my mother died (which, by the way, the two-year anniversary is this Sunday, June 12). Even if nothing supernatural happens, at least the ritual gets me into a more hopeful place which I believe I will need much of in the weeks to come. In addition, I will be doing the usual- lucky socks, praying, etc.

My first ultrasound is on July 17- just a week before the 1 -year anniversary of Sally Ann.