"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Saturday, December 6, 2008

What would life be like without a plan B?

I went to my doctor yesterday to check in and talk about my progress over the past couple of months. I may be pregnant and will know in about a week and a half, but it is always good to talk about plan B. What will happen if I am not?

"There is NO plan B."

"Excuse me?"

Given my response to the FSH IUI's, even in the one that got me pregnant last March, I am not a candidate for in vitro. Each time, I started out strong but at the time of ovulation, I have one or two mature follicles. Given that not all follicles survive the retrieval and petri dish process, she wouldn't want to take any chances with the one to two good ones I had each cycle. Therefore, IUI is all I can do a this point.

I was kind of at a loss for words- flabbergasted. I didn't expect that response and the only thing that came to mind was "oh shit." The expected tears came shortly thereafter.

Dr I.S. recommends that I go through 6 IUI cycles total, if I can emotionally handle it, and then we can decide if it is time to find another approach, depending on my responses to those cycles.

I have been pretty depressed in the last 24 hours. Not really what I wanted to hear. And while I recognize that I may very well be prego now, I need to re-evaluate what I really, truly want in my life. G-d what a fucking mind trip roller coaster ride. Happy Holidays!

Which brings me to the question of the day:

Would a child by an egg donor be any less special to me?

I was caressing my dog Lola yesterday morning and her eyes were gazing up to mine. My heart cracks wide open for my loving, little mutt. If I feel this much love for a dog, imagine how much I would feel for a baby I carried in my belly for 9 months, breast fed and raised?

So I guess what I am asking your opinion on is, should I wait the 6 months and then decide on this or should I just say fuck it and do it now? The doctor all but guarantees me a baby with this method. My uterus is beautiful and she isn't concerned at all with my carrying the baby to term.

I really want to mother a child. Of course I want a genetic mix of hubby and myself. It is just that life is so short and I have spent quite a bit of it being sad. I just don't know how much more I should risk.

I welcome your candid thoughts on this controversial subject.


I Believe in Miracles said...

Wow. Not expecting that one either. That's a shocker. How many IUIs have you done to this point??

I'd probably try a couple more than think about donor eggs. I know the idea can always be in the back of your mind, but I try to just focus on the now. If you want to have a genetic child, then I'd suggest trying a couple more cycles.

Praying that you ARE pregnant so you don't have to worry about this.


mrsmuelly said...

Second opinion, please! That would be quite a blow, and I'm so sorry. There are some amazing REs out there, so I wouldn't just settle for one.

My thoughts on donor is I would keep trying. I know how hard the rollercoaster of IUI is, though. It's a very trecherous ride. It really, truly sucks, but if you really want a baby that is a combo of you and DH...that's what it takes. Plus, you could be a candidate for IVF - you just wouldn't have as many embryos. It wouldn't be a perfect cycle, but it has a higher chance.

Natalie said...

Oh shit!! I wasn't expecting that, and I doubt you were either.

Well I know everyone is different on the donor subject. For some people the decision is easier, for some it takes a long time to come to some sort of acceptance about what is okay for them. I don't even know how I'd feel in that situation, really. But the one thing that makes me wonder is that you DID get pregnant before using IUIs. And, if that were me, I think that'd be the thing pushing me forward to keep trying it for a while... but that's just me.

Zil said...

Wow - what an unexpected response. I'm so sorry. I have great eggs - it's my uterus that's the issue.

My friend who had 10 fertility cycles (IUI and IVF) only had one freezeable egg through her IVFs. Her fresh cycles didn't get her pg - the one frozen egg did. So my understanding is that one egg can do the job. Also, she went to the same RE practice that I did/do.

If you're interested, I'd be happy to give you the name of my RE for a 2nd opinion. I liked her when she got me pg before and I like her now - and perhaps she'll even get me pg again.

Keep positive - you could be pg now. If not, perhaps think about chatting with someone else first before deciding. After everything I went through, I'm a big proponent of the second opinion. Even if the end result is the same, at least you've done the due dilligence and you'll be at peace with the decision.

Hugs to you! This must be a lot to consider.

Lorraine said...

Well, I've been given almost the same talk my former RE. I had such a crappy response to one of the IVF protocols that we canceled the whole thing halfway through.

Just to make the long story short, I swiched REs and am now (very newly) pregnant. I think it is worth a second opinion.

However - donor eggs are an amazing option. I had come to the decision that donor egg would be a better choice for us than adoption - I wanted to be the one carrying and nurturing that baby before it was born. I needed to know that I had exhausted my options before going with donor eggs, but I could see that it was a very real possibility for us.

Still - good luck this time! I hope this is a decision you don't have to make...

Travelwahine said...

I think you need a second opinion. Where did that come from? I thought the goal of IUI stim cycles is not to have many follicles. That one came out of left field.

Absolutely second opinion.

I'm hoping and praying that you will not need a second opinion because you ARE pregnant now.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


DG said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. As you know, I have one DS born without any help.. and DE twins (eggs donated by a friend)

I don't have the loss of any child with my genetics to contend with.. that IS a loss and something you'd need to come to terms with... but I can tell you that growing and bearing a child, makes it YOURS, truly.


Kami said...

Well, I don't often have the chance to offer solicited advice. Not that I am shy about offering unsolicited advice, but I have to be so subtle if it is unsolicited.

You know I have seriously grieved the loss of a mutually genetic child. I also feel like going the DE route was the nail in the coffin for a genetic baby because getting pregnant with a DE baby meant at least one year before I could try with my eggs again. If it didn't work at 39, it is highly unlikely to work at 41.

Just the same, I am almost (probably 98% of the time) always glad I gave up and moved on. I was so sad. I am so much happier now. Why delay happiness?

Only you will know when you are ready, but are you ever really ready?

Much luck to you however it turns out.