"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I'm Not Alone

I joined a group of other women contemplating and using DE. The idea is to discuss issues, concerns, mind trips, etc, that come up while testing the waters of this option. It is led by a professional and she can keep me reeled in when I get too close the edge.

I was reading another woman's blog this afternoon and she hit the nail on the head- my life has been about waiting for the last 4+ years- waiting until I have a baby. Do I expect this flawed road to change any time soon? No- but isn't acknowledging your problem the first step in recovery?

In any case, this DE option has begun looking more and more attractive, though I am not ready to commit to it on this blog, if that makes any sense. It's just too private and raw for me right now. I don't like putting myself out there all vulnerable when I can be wounded by family and well-meaning friends.

Which brings me to my family. Many of you read of the debacle a few months back when a family member backed out as a donor for me. Well- they (that part of the family)have cut me off and are not speaking with me. They are angered that I publicly shared my dirty laundry on this blog (forget about the fact that this is an anonymous blog and I didn't mention who the donor was and most of the people I know don't even know this blog exists). Well- they want nothing to do with me because I am a "user" - not once an apology about backing out. In fact, they maintain that she was disqualified by the program, even though we call know (and the fertility program confirmed) that is not the case.

It is just so surreal- I lose out on my life's dream AGAIN, and then I am the bad guy. You know what- I'm over you, you mean people. Think and say what you like. It's your loss, not mine. And let's add insult to injury why don't I? I think the reason that my family member wanted to donate for me was not because she cared about me. It's because she saw $$$ signs. I was very grateful and offered to give her 6K towards some outstanding loans that she had. She had the nerve to counter and ask me for 26k. Can you imagine? What kind of donation does that make? When I respectfully declined (6K is a very generous amount to give a family member- most accept nothing for this gift and the Society American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends payments of 3.5-5K since it is for the effort, not the egg), I believe that was the beginning of the end for that opportunity.

Anyway, don't we feel much better getting that off our chests? I have just woken from a nap where a huge tiger was chasing me through a crowd of people. It was sort of transfixed on me, almost not noticing the people it ran past while gaining speed on me. What does this have to do with what I just said? I am not sure, but I woke up feeling like blogging about the above- so be it. I guess it's my way of coping and making sense of it all. And because this blog is for ME- and no one else, thank you- that's all that matters.


Not on Fire said...

I am sorry that you are in this hard place. 26K is f&*king outrageous. I don't know if you can see it this way, but it seems to me like you were lucky to find out now what this person is really like before you had a child with her.

This too shall pass.

Natalie said...

Wow. I am simply stunned that family would treat you like that! And 26k, seriously?? Anonymous donors only get, what, 8k?? Ridiculous. And cutting you off, and not giving an apology.... nice, real nice.

I am glad you are finding paths. I haven't seen you lately, and have been wondering how you're doing, so I'm happy to hear you have options that are looking better to you.

Cara said...

Wow. Just wow. From the heart is how we should give. And, when we give that way, we tend to receive back...

I can imagine reeling from this is taking some time and glad you have other people to speak to about it.

Kami said...

May I swear for a moment?


There, that feels a bit better. That is truly disgusting behavior. I offered my sis money too, but she declined. FWIW, while I still sometimes wish I could have had a sibling for an egg donor, the process was so much nicer with Belinda who really was doing it out of kindness.

Hang in there. I know how hard it can be to see the end of your genetic road. I hope you find peace and the opportunity to parent soon.

mrsmuelly said...

Wow, I must have missed the original drama. I'm so very sorry. The DE dilemma must be a very hard and personal one...and that's just not fair for the terms to "fluctuate" for any reason. Hopefully you find more support on the DE boards.

areyoukiddingme said...

Wow, if they were offended by the previous extremely delicate mention that the party had backed out and you were devastated, then they have very thin skin. So, I hope this post finds them. Now, instead of one person looking like they had genuine reason for withdrawing, the whole part of the family looks like a bunch of opportunistics assholes.

I hope that you can find the right path. It would appear that you have based on more recent posts. Good luck, and good riddance to people who are not helpful to you.

Lorraine said...

Well, obviously it is so much better for you not to be forever attached to this person (and the others) via an actual baby, so the phrase "for the best" is definitely applicable here.

DE is a great option - it's amazing that medical technology can make this happen!