"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Biding time until trimester #2

My next u/s is tomorrow. I will be 8 weeks and 6 days. So far, all has been well. I have felt conspicuously exhausted and nauseous which is heavenly for an infertile. I am savoring every tiring, sick moment.

I have begun to think back on "the last time"- not the smartest move from someone who suffers panic attacks. It was at 9 weeks 2 days that I developed the blood clot in my uterus. I know I will feel much better when that day comes and goes with no activity- but for now I am in the mode of trying not to get nervous. Even if I did get one, many women get blood clots that do not lead to preterm rupture of membranes. And- I am on lovenox for that very reason- to prevent blood clots. For now, I need to just surrender and be in the moment- good practice for being a mom. However, patience is not my strong point.

In other news, I am traveling for business later in the week and will have to give myself my own PIO shots. For those not familiar with what that is (be thankful), it is a big mother needle that goes right into the muscle of your outer butt region. First was going to make my husband and dog go with me on the trip. Then I figured, I'm a smart cookie, there is nothing I can't achieve.

I watched about 4 utube videos and then I retreated the to the master bath to figure things out. It turns out, I did a pretty good job of it. It actually hurt less than when hubby does it. Still, I'm going to have him do it on a regular basis until my trip and then when I return. I know this might sound silly, but that time is a bonding time- when he and come together and I feel like it's us two, as a team, making this happen.

Most of the time I feel likes it's me, alone,contorting myself into every possible position, even throwing myself against a steel wall to get a live baby for the two of us. It feels very one-sided. Not that hubby doesn't want a baby- he absolutely does. It's just, he gets to hang out mostly and then occasionally show up and jack off in a cup. Not really an equal partnership of responsibility on the fertility front. Ah- but he means well. I am so lucky that he has stuck around through this madness- my madness- he is definitely a keeper!


Natalie said...

Oh now you're brave. I don't think I'd do that shot by myself. I hope it goes well for you! And i know what you mean... letting him "participate" in some part of this feels really nice.

And even though I knew it was stupid, I held my breath all the way through 4w4d, which is the day I started bleeding with the ectopic. I think it's just something we do after a loss.

Lorraine said...

My husband was SO BAD at giving the PIO shots that it was much faster and less painful to do it myself - but it did mean that there wasn't much left for him as far as participation. I'm just going to make sure he has his hands full in other areas...

I think the vague panic is just part of the deal after a loss - you can't talk yourself out of it, really, but you can kind of work around it, at least for the most part. And at least yo know that the lovenox is doing it's thing, that must be such a relief!

Happy u/s!

mrsmuelly said...

Hooray for almost 9 weeks! I understand how getting past certain milestones days will make you feel better - I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday :-)
I'm proud of you for being able to give the PIO to yourself. I just couldn't do it. Totally understand about wanting hubby to be involved in it too. With the IF looming, we really do make ourselves an island (not necessarily by choice). Bottom line is that it is all worth it - every needle stick, countless u/s, sick moment, ridiculous tiredness, and even the alone feelings. I promise.

onwardandsideways said...

Forget about that date. Miscarriages don't have calendars. And you are on Lovenox. Your chances of a clot are pretty darn low. But believe me, I understand your worry and fear.

And I remember savoring the illness too... it sounds like you're off to a very good start. Fingers crossed for you!!

Are you using a heating pad on your rear afterwards? I found this helped immensely, about 20 minutes is all you need. Happy poking!

Kami said...

I did my own PIO for about a week with my 5th IVF. The first one was the worst, but then it worked out really well.

Like you, the shot time was our bonding time.

Hang in there!

Zil said...

9 weeks?!? Where did the time go?

So happy for you. Looking forward to all of your updates in the days to come.

Breathe in and breathe out - one day at a time. Focus on the miracle in your belly. Don't think about the past or the future (okay, think about the future a little bit - but only happy thoughts, okay????).


Jane G said...

Hope the U/S went well.

Cara said...

Wow! Travelling for your job AND self-sticking.

This is one lucky baby!!