"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Monday, June 1, 2009

Getting over Mother's Day

It has taken about this long to decide where to go from here. Mother's day was surreal this year. The first mother's day without my baby- last year I was pregnant on this day, which distracted me from the fact that it was the first mother's day without my mother. But what do you do on a very special day, as a motherless child and as a mother without her child?

I kept myself busy, wishing well to those on my husband's side of the family. We took his mom out to brunch and did the gift thing. It wasn't until a stranger smiled at me and said happy mother's day that I realized how sad I still am. I have gotten very good at keeping the tears stuffed inside so I just smiled back.

What do you say to a mother who has lost her baby? I think for most people, they don't consider me a mother. There was no tangible thing for them to see, to hold, and to remember. But there is for me. I went through 18 hours of labor. I held my baby who died in childbirth. I will always remember. I will always mourn my precious Sally Ann.
On a separate note, I received a wonderful card the other day. I wrote my previous post that I committed a random act of kindness- I had donated my extra fertility meds to a stranger that was unable to afford IVF because her insurance did not cover it and the cost is about 5K. I hadn't thought I would need it since I was moving on to donor egg- so I showed up on her doorstep with the possible help to have a child. The moment was profound. It was an end of my dream and the beginning of hers. Well, she wrote me to say she was pregnant and she thanked me for the gift I was able to give.

I was so happy for her and I pray that hers is an easy, uneventful pregnancy.


I have so much more to report on, but I suddenly am teary-eyed. I write this blog to share my feelings and experiences, to get it out rather than keeping it bottled up. I also hope that my words help someone else that may feel the same.

I haven't written recently because I wondered if writing was keeping me stuck in this place of grief. On the contrary, I realize it is great, healing therapy. I feel worse, more sad, more grief stricken, when I do not write. So I will keep writing, more often than once per month. If you see that I haven't written in while, please reach out to check in. Please don't let me hide out.


Cara said...

It is really cathartic - and I'm glad you see that.

And - as you WELL know I will always reach out and see where you are at.

Call me...

Cara said...

Oh - LOVE the makeover, or blogover, as it were.

Kami said...

I don't know what you say. I don't know what I wanted to hear in the four mother's days between our son dying and LB being born. The phrase is Happy Mother's day . . . and it certainly isn't happy; yet there should be some acknowledgment because you are a mother.

I am here listening. I promise to be more diligent about keeping you out of hiding.

BagMomma said...

Glad to see you here. I've been through some difficult times myself when it's easier just to listen and take it all in.

Going through the emotions is a good thing.

m said...

happy to see you back but sad to see you working through these intense emotions.

Every few days or so I wonder if writing is keeping me from moving forward, if reading the blogs I do is acting like a crutch. And so I chill for a few days and end up aching and sad and missing the wisdom of ladies who are struggling with so many of the same things.

Glad you are here and finding an outlet you need.

Kim said...

Glad to see you back but sorry you are having a rough time right now. I hope the blogging continues to help. That was an amazing thing you did with the meds.

mrsmuelly said...

Mother's Day is very hard. It's a bit of an unfair reminder these days. It makes complete sense that it's hard to deal with. BUT, know that you ARE a mother!

I'm glad that you are committing to writing some more. I've missed you.

areyoukiddingme said...

Glad to see you're back...

Natalie said...

*hugs* You are a mother. It is hard when it feels like the rest of the world doesn't see that.

samill said...

Hi - just seen your blog. Of course you're a mother - but I know how limbo-land it can feel being neither in the mum's camp nor in the never-had-a-child camp. The wisdom you gain sometimes does not always make up for it. x