Regret Reemergence

I saw the hematologist today. She shared with me that the prothrombin factor 2 gene mutation I have can commonly cause baby loss during the second trimester of pregnancy- this is because the placenta has had time to build up lots of vascular connections and clots can begin to form within those connections. So my body basically purged itself of my otherwise healthy, perfect baby. Who the heck knows. Even with with the blood clot, I could have been ok. My water breaking was just another rare result of the bleeding.

The what if's come flooding back. The hematology director came in to discuss my case with me and urged me not to play Monday morning quarterback. At least we know now. Great. I know they all mean well but it doesn't help Sally Ann, my precious baby. My only baby.

The reason why they don't commonly test for this when women experience bleeding and clots in pregnancy is 1) The gene mutation isn't all that common and bleeding is common in pregnancy and 2) the test costs like $4000. I wish I knew. I'd pay all the money I owned to have known about this and paid for the test out of pocket.

Ok- so we move forward now, right? They said I can stay on the pill. I will start on lovenox (blood thinner) injections as soon as they arrive from my mail-order pharmacy and stay on them until about 6 weeks after giving birth. There is no reason to believe that I will have future issues with this.

In anticipation of Father's Day

Well apparently Hallmark doesn't make cards for bereaved fathers who have lost their babies. I tried two stores near my home with a score of 0-2. I guess if I had some forethought, I could have found something online. Oh well.

I think I'll actually be more sad tomorrow than hubby. He really didn't get to bond with Sally Ann. My theory is that women bond with their children while pregnant, once they begin to feel the baby move. Men, I believe, bond after birth, when they can hold and feel their precious baby in their arms. Nonetheless, the road that we've been on will certainly bring up some feelings tomorrow. I just hope I am in a place where I can be there for him like he has been there for me over these past 4 years.

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On another note, I got a disturbing message yesterday afternoon from the Hell nurse at my fertility clinic. The committee has reviewed my file and they think I should see a hematologist before the procedure. Fine. But- they recommend my ceasing the BCP until the consult, which will put my transfer back a month. No way. You can blow me, miss nurse.

I am not doing anything until Monday when I can discuss this more rationally. I was on BCP for years with no issue. I have no intention of pushing this back a month so that I can have the consult. I'd rather start blood thinners now if I need to but don't tell me, after I have been sitting around for the past few months with my finger up my butt waiting that I need to postpone another month. No no no no- no can do. Sorry, Ma'am- but we're doing it my way this time.

Wow- I feel so much better now...

BFN

Well- I gave it all I could. Can't say I didn't do everything humanly possible to bring a mini me into this world. For the first time ever I was 5 days late and actually beginning to fantasize again. Joke's on me, it seems.

I'll take that hope into my next chapter. I started BCP today for an August "alternative family building activity" (is that cryptic enough for the non-knowers?).

Wish me luck. I'll need all of you to lean on as I grieve, accept things things I cannot change, heal, move on, and become ready to receive new life within me- all in 8 weeks and counting...

Healing Ritual

I went to a memorial service today. It was for two beautiful twins, Matthew and Ashley, who died too soon, at 5 months in utero. I met the mother and father soon after Sally Ann died, at a baby loss group. Even then, though obviously distraught, the dead baby mama had a composure about her that I envied. I never did learn that composure and, even today, when I talk about Sally Ann, it is with tear-filled eyes and a bit of stuttering.

It has been a year since the twins died and, in a grand cathedral mass, we joined together to honor lives cut short- lives that had little living, but had no shortage of love during their lifetimes. We were there for a formal memorial to validate that yes- these children lived and breathed just like as you and I do, even if it were for only a moment.

I watched in awe at the rituals that the priest performed. This is alien territory for me, being somewhat of a heathen myself. But it made my think about how this ritual, this rite of passage, this formal ceremony was creating healing. I looked at this dead baby mama and, for the first time, saw tears streaming down her face. She let go and publicly grieved the loss of her hopes and dreams. She was vulnerable. There was healing that was occurring right in front of my eyes.

I wondered as I cried- because I always cry- if there is something equally as special and fitting of the anniversary of my Sally Ann's birth/death. Although I am extremely outgoing and social by nature, I am also surprisingly a private person- so my ritual would be something different. What would help me to heal? It won't be about closure, because that will never happen. I can never feel complete about what happened. Don't tell me it was God's will. Don't tell me that things happen for a reason.

I'd like to put it out there to other dead baby mamas and friends of ours- what kind of rituals did you do or would you suggest for me to honor the legacy of love that Sally Ann gave to me? How might I memorialize and give back to the universe the lifetime of love that she and I shared for all too short a time.

I miss you Sally Ann.

I'm Not Alone

I joined a group of other women contemplating and using DE. The idea is to discuss issues, concerns, mind trips, etc, that come up while testing the waters of this option. It is led by a professional and she can keep me reeled in when I get too close the edge.

I was reading another woman's blog this afternoon and she hit the nail on the head- my life has been about waiting for the last 4+ years- waiting until I have a baby. Do I expect this flawed road to change any time soon? No- but isn't acknowledging your problem the first step in recovery?

In any case, this DE option has begun looking more and more attractive, though I am not ready to commit to it on this blog, if that makes any sense. It's just too private and raw for me right now. I don't like putting myself out there all vulnerable when I can be wounded by family and well-meaning friends.

Which brings me to my family. Many of you read of the debacle a few months back when a family member backed out as a donor for me. Well- they (that part of the family)have cut me off and are not speaking with me. They are angered that I publicly shared my dirty laundry on this blog (forget about the fact that this is an anonymous blog and I didn't mention who the donor was and most of the people I know don't even know this blog exists). Well- they want nothing to do with me because I am a "user" - not once an apology about backing out. In fact, they maintain that she was disqualified by the program, even though we call know (and the fertility program confirmed) that is not the case.

It is just so surreal- I lose out on my life's dream AGAIN, and then I am the bad guy. You know what- I'm over you, you mean people. Think and say what you like. It's your loss, not mine. And let's add insult to injury why don't I? I think the reason that my family member wanted to donate for me was not because she cared about me. It's because she saw $$$ signs. I was very grateful and offered to give her 6K towards some outstanding loans that she had. She had the nerve to counter and ask me for 26k. Can you imagine? What kind of donation does that make? When I respectfully declined (6K is a very generous amount to give a family member- most accept nothing for this gift and the Society American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends payments of 3.5-5K since it is for the effort, not the egg), I believe that was the beginning of the end for that opportunity.

Anyway, don't we feel much better getting that off our chests? I have just woken from a nap where a huge tiger was chasing me through a crowd of people. It was sort of transfixed on me, almost not noticing the people it ran past while gaining speed on me. What does this have to do with what I just said? I am not sure, but I woke up feeling like blogging about the above- so be it. I guess it's my way of coping and making sense of it all. And because this blog is for ME- and no one else, thank you- that's all that matters.

2WW Numbness

I've been here before. The two week wait. It's been a challenge to remain hopeful with the array of BFN that have come before. This month I used clomid- I had the prescription from my last clomid challenge test. They wrote it for a refill so I took advantage. It's all I've got since I lost the insurance coverage from the family egg donor debacle a couple months back.

It is funny how disorganized I've been. I took the meds per the directions- I mean, I am an old friend to clomid. This is probably the 12th time (or more) I've taken it for some reason or another. I know the signs- flushing, hot flashes...not the friendliest wife to be around. I did the deed, several times, but didn't really pay attention to the ovulation signs- just made sure it was enough to cover all the bases- just in case.

Now I have completely forgot what day it is. Is it day 20? Is it day 23? I am not sure what's happened. I haven't been going to the acupuncturist much lately (she helps me keep track because she asks me each week). I am usually so detail oriented. I suspect it's because it is easier this way than to be completely engaged and invested and then heartbroken again.

Who knows? If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got. Maybe I'm on to something. No- I am not delusional. Just numb in this two week wait.

Getting over Mother's Day

It has taken about this long to decide where to go from here. Mother's day was surreal this year. The first mother's day without my baby- last year I was pregnant on this day, which distracted me from the fact that it was the first mother's day without my mother. But what do you do on a very special day, as a motherless child and as a mother without her child?

I kept myself busy, wishing well to those on my husband's side of the family. We took his mom out to brunch and did the gift thing. It wasn't until a stranger smiled at me and said happy mother's day that I realized how sad I still am. I have gotten very good at keeping the tears stuffed inside so I just smiled back.

What do you say to a mother who has lost her baby? I think for most people, they don't consider me a mother. There was no tangible thing for them to see, to hold, and to remember. But there is for me. I went through 18 hours of labor. I held my baby who died in childbirth. I will always remember. I will always mourn my precious Sally Ann.
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On a separate note, I received a wonderful card the other day. I wrote my previous post that I committed a random act of kindness- I had donated my extra fertility meds to a stranger that was unable to afford IVF because her insurance did not cover it and the cost is about 5K. I hadn't thought I would need it since I was moving on to donor egg- so I showed up on her doorstep with the possible help to have a child. The moment was profound. It was an end of my dream and the beginning of hers. Well, she wrote me to say she was pregnant and she thanked me for the gift I was able to give.

I was so happy for her and I pray that hers is an easy, uneventful pregnancy.

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I have so much more to report on, but I suddenly am teary-eyed. I write this blog to share my feelings and experiences, to get it out rather than keeping it bottled up. I also hope that my words help someone else that may feel the same.

I haven't written recently because I wondered if writing was keeping me stuck in this place of grief. On the contrary, I realize it is great, healing therapy. I feel worse, more sad, more grief stricken, when I do not write. So I will keep writing, more often than once per month. If you see that I haven't written in while, please reach out to check in. Please don't let me hide out.