"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Regret Reemergence

I saw the hematologist today. She shared with me that the prothrombin factor 2 gene mutation I have can commonly cause baby loss during the second trimester of pregnancy- this is because the placenta has had time to build up lots of vascular connections and clots can begin to form within those connections. So my body basically purged itself of my otherwise healthy, perfect baby. Who the heck knows. Even with with the blood clot, I could have been ok. My water breaking was just another rare result of the bleeding.

The what if's come flooding back. The hematology director came in to discuss my case with me and urged me not to play Monday morning quarterback. At least we know now. Great. I know they all mean well but it doesn't help Sally Ann, my precious baby. My only baby.

The reason why they don't commonly test for this when women experience bleeding and clots in pregnancy is 1) The gene mutation isn't all that common and bleeding is common in pregnancy and 2) the test costs like $4000. I wish I knew. I'd pay all the money I owned to have known about this and paid for the test out of pocket.

Ok- so we move forward now, right? They said I can stay on the pill. I will start on lovenox (blood thinner) injections as soon as they arrive from my mail-order pharmacy and stay on them until about 6 weeks after giving birth. There is no reason to believe that I will have future issues with this.


Lorraine said...

It's so sad to even think about what you could have done. You didn't know, nobody knew - the thing that sucks the most about looses from rare complications is the assumption that you can just try again. Maybe the usual population can just hop in the sack and give it another go, but there should be some kind of recognition that it doesn't work that way for everyone.

I'm so sorry your little girl isn't with you now.

Monique said...

Those what if's kill me sometimes - hoping you have some gentle moments ahead. xo

Natalie said...

Damn, that news must have hit like a ton of bricks. The what-ifs are aweful. So sorry, sweetie. *hugs*

mrsmuelly said...

Wow, that's a big "reveal". It's good to have a reason, but at the same time the what ifs have the possibility to take you over. Like the doc said, try not to play Monday morning quarterback - easier said than done.

Travelwahine said...

Is it me, or does it seem all of us deadbabymamas have some issue with clotting. I am on lovenox as well, as a matter of fact, I believe this is my last week of lovenox, at the end of my pregnancy I will switch to Heparin so I can have an epidural. I will have a couple left, I can send them to you, they are 40mg syringes.

Uggg, the what ifs. They are our worst nightmares. Take it one day at a time.

Hugs to you!

Zil said...

Mrsmuelly said it well - not playing Mon. morning q-back is much easier said than done.

Sending you the strength to look beyond the what ifs...