"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Falling to pieces and then remembering I can have it all

The first part of the day sucked. I went for a second opinion from a perinatologist so that I'll be all set when I get prego. What I didn't realize is that I had been to that office before- for my first trimester screening with Sally Ann. I handled that realization pretty well, even with a waiting room full of pregnant women.

They took me in immediately and asked when my due date was. I handled it well. Then the nurse kept making things worse- "oh I am so sorry I said anything, blah, blah, blah." "Do you usually have high blood pressure?"

Ok- I lost it. By the time the doctor got there, I was a bumbling fool. He was patient and understanding. We went over the autopsy results, the placenta pathology report and my prothrombin factor II mutation in a lot of detail- more so that ever before. We have a plan in place that I feel good about. I will continue on the Lovenox, and we'll add progesterone shots at week 16. This is said to help extend the term of babies in mothers who had previous premature losses.

He said there was never anything I could have done to save Sally Ann. By the time the clot occurred in week 9, taking Lovenox at that point would not have saved the pregnancy. The water breaking was still just a fluke, and is very rare. It was probably due to the bleeding. The bleeding was likely due to the clot. But the clot- may or may not be as a result of the thrombin factor 2 mutation. Just a lot of unknowns and I need to just accept that.

He doesn't suggest I try to have twins, only because he hates for me to add any additional stress to the situation. After all that has happened, I really want twins. Not sure what to do with this information. I guess I don't have to make any decisions today. What are YOUR thoughts? I mean I will be on Lovenox this time and that is supposed to address my issue. So what further issue is there if that is being addressed?

When I got home, I immediately went to my blog reader where EVERYTHING changed. Today is a day of great news. From positive betas, to healthy linings and good follicle counts, to twins on the u/s, to several healthy births, today is a day to celebrate. I feel so happy for all my bloggy chick friends. And I know that my time is coming. It may be hard for me today but I know that it can happen to me too. I can have my heart's desire. My dream can come true now. I need to keep believing that this is my time.


Two Moms and A Baby said...

Linked to you from Tammy's Journey. I did the projesterone starting at week 16 with my second baby after having my water break at 31.3 weeks with my first. I made it to 38.3 with the second. I won't lie, the shots were tough. I had way more symptoms and issues than they claim you do. But you've been through IVF right so you are probably better ready to handle it than I was. I did ICI at home with no drugs so I was not prepared for what hormone shots would do to me!!!! But it was so worth it to deliver a term baby this time. God Bless you and I wish you the best!!

Shelli said...

At times, it doesn't seem fair that we have to deal with such things. I wish I knew the answer, I wish you had more concrete answers.

The biggest answer to the question nagging in our minds? Yes, we are worthy.. and having a dream doesn't mean it will only be a dream. As much as I almost can't believe it myself, good things can happen for us too. (hugs)

Monique said...

Holding onto hope with you. xo

Cara said...

That's alot of 'unknowns' to accept while you try to make such challenging decisions.

You are so in tune with your body and your purpose. Whatever you feel led to do will be the right thing.


Lorraine said...

I know it might be hard to think that the lovenox will solve all your problems, but maybe it really is all you need?

I think the main thing to insist on is incredibly frequent monitoring with the uterine blood-flow imaging. That's my plan, and I am not taking "no" for an answer!

I do tend to agree with the doc about twins, though. It would be so nice to have a relatively uneventful singleton pregnancy and get through it with the least amount of worry!

Zil said...

You'll be spreading good news across blog-land really soon!

Kami said...

I'm sorry you had an emotional visit. I also want to say I admire your ability to come from that and be so happy for others while (it seems) not turning green with envy in the process.

As for twins . . . I am probably the odd one here, but I never wanted twins. Outside of the "Awwwww . . ." factor; I didn't want to have my attentions slit between two, I didn't know how I would nurse and EC two (both important to me), I wanted a home birth (more risky with two), I wanted a low risk pregnancy.

Since then, I can see how much harder twins can be on a marriage. DH and I have been together for 16 years, been through a death, IF and pulled closer. I saw our marriage as exceptionally close and we have still had our struggles now that we have an interloper. Not that we won't work it out and be even better as a couple, but it surprised me that we struggled at all.

Good luck to you . . . let's just hope it works no matter one or two.