Not yet

So- it was probably implantation bleeding...and then a miscarriage. I am on cycle day 3 today. I haven't been able to write up to now. The spotting stopped and then the floodgates opened. The doctor thought my lining was particularly thick this morning and wouldn't be surprised if that was what happened.

I started my injections tonight- my blood tests were fine. I am back at the MD on Tuesday morning for a scan. I am sad, disappointed, and yet hopeful. I have a burning desire to be a mom. I am not giving up on this dream of mine!

I would like to take this opportunity to share what a nasty woman my step mom is. On Monday night she told me I was a horrible daughter to my father. Drunk and screaming at me, she accused me of lying about being on bed rest last summer and that it was somehow my own fault that I lost my baby by going to Puerto Rico.

She says I don't make the 3 hour drive to see my dad enough. I do my best. I travel for a living, barely see my husband as it is, and drive back and forth to Boston for my treatments (2 hours each way). I drive 1 hour each way to work (in the opposite direction of Boston). I have come every month to see my dad since I moved home in September of 2007 except when I was on bed rest in May, in the hospital in July, and last month when I was on the road two out of four weekends for work. I gave up a position I loved and was successful in, my friends and a life I was content with- for the sole reason to move closer to him. My husband gave up his job so that I could be close to my dad. When I told her that I am trying, and doing my best to be there for him, she told me it wasn't good enough and that my step sister is a better daughter to him than me. She topped it off with saying I am fat. And she did the whole thing with a knife in her hand and so close to me she was stepping on my toes and practically spitting in my face with her drunken breath. Oh- and she topped it off with sharing sordid info about when she was my dad's mistress when he was still married to my mother.

Real pleasant.

Guess what you nearly 70 old woman- I don't answer to you. You are not my mother. You are nothing like my mother- you can't hold a candle to her. Why not keep off the booze and act like a fucking adult. You don't know me. You don't know me at all. I love my father more than you will ever know. I respect him and love him more than you are even capable of. And by the way- I hate the way you yell at him.

What hurts the most is that I thought we had a wonderful relationship. I really cared about her. Every so often I would tell her I loved her- never did she return the sentiment. On her deathbed, my grandmother told me not to trust her. Now I know why she said that.

There is a part 2 to this- but I am too aggravated to write about it tonight. Inquiring minds will need to wait until tomorrow- after my much needed massage appointment.