Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you tomorrow...

I go for my day 3 scan tomorrow. I am nervous and excited all at once. I think it might be, in part, the emotional time of the month, but I have been very weepy today. I have all these hopes and dreams. I am sad that this journey has been so tumultuous. I am sad at how the last pregnancy went. I am frustrated that the process this time has been so difficult. I think I need to speak my mind tomorrow- it doesn't have to be that hard- it shouldn't be.

I want to give myself the space to relax and not build up everything on this first month. Even fertile women don't always get pregnant in one month. I need to keep perspective. On the other hand, my hormone levels were good, my uterus is in good shape. Why not me? Why not now?

For now though, I am just going to open myself up to the possibility that my dream can come true for me this time.

Lessons I am learning along the way

The screwed up lesson I am learning is that if scream and cry like a lunatic, it actually gets me somewhere. Tufts has approved another IUI. I am all set to go for next week.

I really have to stop this sort of behavior before a baby is born- or I suspect I am in for some sweet justice/ironic humor. At the very least, I am certainly not making any friends around here. Oh well. Hopefully they are used to the crazy highs and lows that happen to a woman in mourning, a woman obsessed with having a baby.

What else can I take?

What more can I handle? It feels like the fertility clinic really doesn't even want to do this damn IUI. They make a hard, emotional journey even more frustrating and painful than it is already!

First, they screw up my husband's blood test. He drives all the way to Boston for a freakin' HIV test (standard practice prior to fertility treatment) and they forget to have him sign a waiver. He had to get retested and then waits in the lab for 2 hours for the nurse to fax the orders in. Then- the lab faxes the results and the fertility clinic tells us they never received it, even though the fax was "successfully sent." Resend? I wish it was that easy. In the state of Mass, you can't just resend an HIV test- I guess it is against the law or something. Anyway, that is taken care of now, after much crying and begging.

This whole thing and they still haven't received the consult info from the perinatologist giving the go ahead for the IUI. I am running out of time for them to request insurance approval. The one saving grace is that I lied as to when my day one might be- it gives me an extra 3-4 days cushion- cause I knew this kind of shit would happen.

So I call my perinatologist. Is nothing easy? It seems I have a genetic mutation- Prothrombin Factor II mutation. What does that mean? I'll share more of what I know know later but, for now, it means my next pregnancy will require more steps to follow, more risks to take. For now, this insurance request can move forward. Everything is complete. Or is it?

Where the fuck are my pap results? I can't believe I am still waiting on this. And- of course there is more. I have to get in writing that I spoke with my doctor about this prothrombin deal? He submitted the diagnosis and treatment info in writing as requested. He spoke with the reproductive endocrinologist, assuring her he would share the info with me. I told them I got the info...and now they want another letter in writing before they submit for insurance? Now they're just fucking with me. I feel it's all a big joke and the joke is on me.

Feeling kind of so-so

Lots have been going through my mind in the last few days. Last week was Yom Kippur-the holiest day in the jewish year- a day to reflect, to repent for your sins, and to mourn for the dead. I was unprepared for the flood of emotion that would come up for me. Mother-daughter stuff. I remembered back to last year when I was inconsolable around the loss of my mother and here I am now, with two losses. How ironic. Part of the day also focuses on setting yourself for what you wish for in the coming year- how you would like that unfolding to be.

I wish for a baby. I wish I become a mother. Soon. Please, please, please.

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

Antigone (http://www.antigonelost.com/) is recruiting us to take action to spread awareness about pregnancy and infant loss.

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

All good things come to those who ask

That has been my motto for quite some time now. Not only did I get the follow up consult with my doc early like I wanted it, I can have it by phone- avoiding the 2+ hours drive it takes to get there. I am so happy I could scream.

Not only that, but my FSH test (follicle stimulating hormone) was 9.0- completely normal. This is a good sign as my numbers in the past were slightly elevated and was the only thing that they could point to that was causing me not to get pregnant.

So all tests will be completed by the 10th and my phone consult is on the 17th- which is enough time to get the approval from Tufts to begin my cycle in November.

I so appreciate the nurses and schedulers at Mass General. I really feel that they have my best interests at heart.