"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Normalcy?

The flowers are dead. I tried to pick through them a bit to see if I could salvage the live ones. I am holding on to what? I don't know. I took a small vase from one of them and have decided to make a little dried flower memorial to Sally Ann. Rituals like this feel oddly healing. I used to think that dried flowers were just clutter. Now I feel like I just couldn't throw away these!

Now I am in the phase where I am convinced I killed my baby. Second guessing doesn't even cover it. I started thinking that maybe I shoudn't have induced labor. I had 5 doctors and a specialist telling me to. I just wonder if I held on longer, maybe my fluid would have reaccumulated. Maybe my cervix would have opened slowly enough (it had begun to dilate) that we could have made it to 24 weeks. At that point, I could have taken steroids to help her with her lung capacity. Maybe medical intervention was a mistake. I'll never know because I chose a path on which I could not turn back.

I feel so @*$#% up! I am consumed. The moment I wake up, it's there. I guess I don't want it not to matter. Sally Ann was so important to me- she was my hopes and dreams realized. What kind of mother would I be if I could just brush it off. I just wish it hurt a little bit less.

I want to be in a good place to try again. I want to feel emotionally and physically well so that my body can conceive in October. How am I going to get to that place? How can I find the beauty and goodness in life? How can I find hope?

Breathe in. Breathe out. All I have now is today. Breathe in. Breathe out.

On an upbeat note, someone asked me if I had lost some weight- that I was looking good. Funny what a little blush, a black suit and losing a baby will do for your figure.

I better go attend to my husband. I keep forgetting he is hurting too and needs some attention.

9 comments:

mrsmuelly said...

It's not your fault! I know it's hard to see that right now, but it's true. I had to make a similar decision (to go forward and induce) with my second loss and I still second guess it 5 months later. We must go forward with the best information that we have. It's so very not fair.

Oh, and on the "losing a baby does wonders for your figure" - I just wanted to shake people when they told me I was looking good. Didn't they know that I didn't want to look good? I had lost my baby!!! Maybe that was just me, though.

anne said...

Lisa-I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through. But just know that I'm thinking of you even though we don't know each other! We struggled for years with infertility so I am a little familiar with despair.

Lisa DG said...

I always said regret is a useless emotion. I am not sure why I can't stop regretting now.

Becky B. said...

Dear Lisa Dana - thank you for sharing your blog with me. Please know that you and Doug are in my heart always, and that you have my prayers and love.
Becky B.

Rebecca said...

Oh Lisa! I can feel you beating yourself up for not only your irrevocable decisions, but also your tendency to these thoughts which you know are not logical. But the heart knows no logic. This is the dark night of the soul; even if I could be there with you physically, in part you have to journey there alone. See the compassion that others have for your despair? You are growing into the depth of the human heart. This deep grief is the absolute worst. But you are growing rare, immense and transcendent compassion right now. You can't realize it now, but this pain is giving you the gift of a supernatural ability to spiritually unite with others. In our greatest grief all we really have is the compassion and love of those around us. Please be gentle on yourself. You are so strong. You are a superhero. Your baby loves you and she knows how much you love her, too.

nicky laird said...

You will get pregnant again, but from experience your emotional state will be up and down for sometime to come, just hold your nose and dive head first into the next pregnancy, you will heal along the way. Something to consider when you are pregnant hire aheart beat monitor and listen to your babys heart every day, thats what I did and it kept me sane for the 9 months

angelee said...

To your grief, my dear friend: All I have is hugs. And you can have every single one of them.
I love what Nichy said about diving in head first to your next pregnancy, and especially the part about buying a little heart monitor! That sounds like fantastic advice. I must add that my second, healthy pregnancy healed all the pain I felt from my miscarriage, and that hopefully your next pregnancy will at least take away the crushing grief and second guessing.
I love you.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no words. Except I'm so sorry.

Zil said...

Dear Lisa -

I found a website a couple of weeks ago:

http://www.aheartbreakingchoice.com

The women there are wonderful and have had similar experiences to you. Many express similar thoughts as you did in this post.

May you find comfort and peace.