"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Friday, August 22, 2008

The Wise Ones

When my mother was dying last year, she spoke with a Wise One. She couldn't figure out why this was happening to her. She had stopped smoking over 20 years before and now was lying in a bed with end-stage lung cancer. By most accounts, she was a miracle. She had lived almost 4 years when 50% die in the first year. Only 15%make it 5 years and she wouldn't be one of them.

"There are some questions that have no answers" the Wise One said to her. While it doesn't solve the question, there is something comforting in that statement. She held on to that, as did I, until the day she died.

I found it surreal when I was in the hospital and the resident hospital Wise One came through on his rounds. Actually, I had requested his visit. I talked through my story and my options. He unequivocally said that I had no choice but to induce labor, to choose life and health for myself. He said that the choice had already been made by what had occurred. I broke down crying, not understanding how or why this could have happened. Almost a year to the day my mom died, he uttered those same words.

There are questions that have no answers.

I was reading about a fellow blogger's experience today. She has been such a comfort with her compassionate words and thoughts to me over the last several days. She spoke about what become the milestones of your life- those experiences that forever change you.

Before and after.

I will never be who I was before my baby died. I can't go back to that woman. Since the book of my life is only partially written, I cannot say for sure whether that will be a good or bad thing over time. At the moment it seems like the worst thing possible. Time, however, has a way of changing perspectives on experiences.

This is an unwanted journey and I need to hold on to the faith that I am one step closer to living the life of my dreams.


Natalie said...

No, you will never be the same. And I think that's been one of the hardest things for me. That you can't ever go back. This change has been forced and there is nothing you can do about it. Sometimes I sort of get used to it... like, okay, this is the new me, I can handle this. And other days I'm just absolutely furious and depressed about it.

Jeanette said...

I am holding you in my heart,

Nicky laird said...

Yes you are changed for the rest of your life, but I embrace that change, I am without a doubt a better mother and a better wife, for me I have to get something positive from this tragic turn of events otherwise what was the point. My son was given to me for a reason, and I will forever believe that the change in me was the reason. But we are all different and we all grieve in different ways.

Kami said...

Here via the Creme

Four years after the birth and death of our son, I still sometimes try to answer the question "Why?" I know there is no answer, but I still want one.

I'm sorry you lost a mother and a child in such a short time.