The Wise Ones

When my mother was dying last year, she spoke with a Wise One. She couldn't figure out why this was happening to her. She had stopped smoking over 20 years before and now was lying in a bed with end-stage lung cancer. By most accounts, she was a miracle. She had lived almost 4 years when 50% die in the first year. Only 15%make it 5 years and she wouldn't be one of them.

"There are some questions that have no answers" the Wise One said to her. While it doesn't solve the question, there is something comforting in that statement. She held on to that, as did I, until the day she died.

I found it surreal when I was in the hospital and the resident hospital Wise One came through on his rounds. Actually, I had requested his visit. I talked through my story and my options. He unequivocally said that I had no choice but to induce labor, to choose life and health for myself. He said that the choice had already been made by what had occurred. I broke down crying, not understanding how or why this could have happened. Almost a year to the day my mom died, he uttered those same words.

There are questions that have no answers.

I was reading about a fellow blogger's experience today. She has been such a comfort with her compassionate words and thoughts to me over the last several days. She spoke about what become the milestones of your life- those experiences that forever change you.

Before and after.

I will never be who I was before my baby died. I can't go back to that woman. Since the book of my life is only partially written, I cannot say for sure whether that will be a good or bad thing over time. At the moment it seems like the worst thing possible. Time, however, has a way of changing perspectives on experiences.

This is an unwanted journey and I need to hold on to the faith that I am one step closer to living the life of my dreams.