"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Reflections from the other side of fertility

There is a certain deference I feel to fertile women. It's subtle, but definitely present. It reminds me of the class system in India. Fertiles flock together, infertiles stay with their own kind.

I passed a pregnant woman the other day. Almost unconsciously my gaze looked down as we passed, as though I somehow shouldn't be looking directly at her. It was almost a feeling of shame- that is, until I caught myself doing it and overanalyzed the incident.

Last week was a very happy week for me. Today- not so much. I was inseminated on Thursday, January 15th. On 8 dpo, I had a slight amount of spotting. I really felt pregnant. I was convinced that this was my cycle. My husband, normally a skeptic, jumped on the hope bandwagon and we were riding that wave of exhileration. That is, until Day 11. I awoke to a bloodly mess. Yes, aunt flo had shown up with a whole party of clots. I'll spare the details. The bottom line- I'm not having a baby just yet.

When I went into the doctor this morning, a bit hungover, Dr. T noticed a cyst in my ovary, leftover from a follicle from last cycle. My unterine lining was quite thick as well. Given my spotting on day 8 and then the short luteal phase, his opinion was that I may actually have gotten pregnant, and then miscarried. He ordered some bloods and cancelled this cycle. Better to wait and let my body come back into balance.


Jane G said...

I'm sorry to hear that the cycle didn't work out for you. It's such a bitch, isn't it? We all seem to be in the doldrums this week :o(

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm really sorry Lisa. That totally sucks.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh Lisa, I've been meaning to write you about the comment you left on my blog (back to cd1), but I'm so sorry to hear this news too. Bummer. Grr.
I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I love you my friend -- think of you sooo often and lost in the journey, just praying along with you and checking in here, since I have the "no frame of reference to help" feeling ... just loving thoughts for you especially when it snows out here.. I feel closer to you. Cyn

Travelwahine said...

I've been thinking about you, I thought about emailing you but didn't want to pry. This totally sucks. But, I still believe it is going to happen for you. I will have enought hope for the both of us.

As far as the infertiles go, I totally agree. Even though I'm pregnant now, I still feel that way. I look away from other pregnant women.

Lisa, I am so sorry. Don't give up, you will have your baby soon. I really believe that. Holding you in my heart and thoughts.

Zil said...

Lisa - I'm sorry ((hugs)).

mrsmuelly said...

I'm so sorry. Glad that your doc is watching close, but still sucks.

I understand what you mean about preggos. I'm not sure that I look away, but I definitely feel shunned. Not that anyone does that, but it's how I feel sometimes. And, it doesn't even matter when I am pregnant...b/c now I know that getting pregnant is not the "end all" to having a baby. I envy other preggos and their naivety.