"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

For all those well wishers- what would you do?

Thanks for all your kind words- it really means a lot to me. This doctor I see today was my second opinion and the second one that said not an IVF candidate. Should I go for a third?

What I really need to hear about are your thoughts on egg donation. Do you know of anyone who has done this? Did they use a known or anonymous donor? How did it turn out for them?

This is not a discussion I was expecting to have out here in cyberland. Any comments you can give will be helpful.

Thanks in advance...


I Believe in Miracles said...

I posted your question to L&F, so hopefully you can get some responses... since I really don't know about the donor eggs.

However - with the 2nd opinon being a no. Was it in the same practice? That might make a slight difference to me, but for the most part, if I had 2 doctors tell me no, I'd probably go with that. I would worry about the risk of trying to "shop" for a doctor that just tells you what you want to hear.


Shelli said...

Here from L&F. I am just starting my first DE cycle, and in the process of locking in an anonymous donor right now.

I wish someone would have had the guts to tell me to give up on my eggs a long time ago. If two doctors have the same opinion, I think I'd go with their advice.

It is a very hard decision (and harder when it means giving up one dream and moving to another), but becomes easier when you are backed up against a wall.

Hoping that you come to the right answer for you. {hugs}

Heidi said...

I have two sons from an anonymous egg donor (both from same cycle: fresh transfer 4 years ago, FET 9 months ago). I have never regretted it for a second, and honestly, the loss of genetic connection has never been an issue for me because I am just so grateful to have these children. By the time I got to this outcome, though, I was 40 and had been through some disappointments, so I was ready to move on and attempt to have success quickly, and without as many worries about defects due to the age of my eggs.

Bri said...

Hi! Nitty from I believe in miracles sent me over because she knew I would have lots to say. I haven't read much of your story (although I will) but I wanted to comment. I will be open and honest and tell you my experiences and my feelings through the whole thing- obviously lots of people have different opinions. I tried donor eggs. It didn’t work for me, but I have no regrets.

I went through 4 IVF cycles, 2 with my eggs and two with my best friends’ eggs. When I first started everyone (including my DR) thought I would get pregnant lickety split. Obviously I didn’t. When they got my eggs out, there were all kinds of weird, unexplainable things wrong with them, and then of course they didn’t take. We looked into adoption and it didn’t feel right at the time, and my BFF (the greatest friend ever) offered to donate her eggs to me. It was a really complicated process due to the legal stuff, but if we had gotten pregnant it would have been worth it. We looked into doing an anonymous donor, but (this is going to sound mean, but I want to be honest with you) when we looked at people’s profiles and photographs, nothing seemed to be a “good fit.” [If I were going to do anything anonymously, I would do embryo adoption because there is no compensation on the donors part- which feels more normal to me.] Well, obviously since my husband and I have moved onto adoption, the donor eggs didn’t work for me. The eggs were perfect, my BFF was fertile myrtle, but they just didn’t work in my body. She next offered to be a surrogate for me. We looked into that long and hard, but by that point we had spent $20k for infertility treatments and were looking at close to another $20k with the legal fees for the surrogacy (we would still need to do IVF because of my husband’s levels). The whole process seemed very stressful and adoption was about the same $$, and there was a guarantee, so that is that is what we chose. I could go on and on about adoption- there are so many fantastic things and a few things that I still struggle with, but we are happy with this path- we feel like it is where we are supposed to be.

I believe each woman has a different threshold of what they are willing to undergo- both physically, emotionally and financially. Whatever you decided is right for you, is just fine- don’t let anyone tell you differently.

I personally wouldn’t go for a third opinion. I think if you look enough, you will find a doctor that is willing to take your money if you want to give it to him and put you through the stress of IVF even if he doesn’t think it will be successful. If two REs agree, I would go with that.

Obviously, I don’t think there is anything wrong with egg donation on any level. For me, I had someone in my life that was willing to donate to me and we were 100% sure that it would never be an issue. I think if you know someone, that is the way to go- but some people might find it to be awkward. We did decide, however, not to tell anyone outside of our families (all of our mutual friends) because we didn’t want THEM to think it was weird or make weird comments. Also, going through a known donor is MUCH cheaper. I also want to note that there is still only like a (whatever %) chance that it will work. Infertility treatments are very experimental (when we got our donor eggs they found lots of other hurdles in my previously “perfect” reproductive system). I am not trying to deter you, I just wish someone had told me because I EXPECTED to get pregnant (and it sounds like your doctor is telling you this). However, if I could go back, I would do it all again. I feel like I had to go through all that stuff to get me on the path to where I am now.

Also, if you are interested I have a book about this whole topic. It is called “Having your baby through egg donation” or something. If you would like, I could send it to you. You’d just need to reply with your address (I’m not a crazy person, nitty can vouch for me). Also, there are LOTS of people donating their eggs right now because of the economy. You can google the words and you will come up with some sites that you can register with and browse profiles to give you an idea of what you are looking at. I would also look into the legalities of it, also. (let me know and I can find the site we registered with to browse)

Anyhow, that is my two cents. You have to do what is right for you, but it is good to hear stories and perspectives from both sides. Wherever you end up – egg donation, embryo adoption, surrogacy or adoption it will be the right place for you! I wish you luck in your decision making.

Zil said...

There are so many different options available to us today - we are so lucky. Egg donation is one of them. I would consider it.

I would do what you're doing - asking questions, researching, and doing some soul searching to figure out what is right for me.

mrsmuelly said...

I'd go to another RE. Are you near Colorado. CCRM is suppose to be the best - it might be worth checking out.

As for egg donation, I don't have any specific reference, but I think this is a great place to ask.

Travelwahine said...

This is a tough one. I haven't even asked what is your FSH?

As far as egg donation, I view it as adoption, at the cellular level. And I am all for adoption, our first son is adopted. And from personal experience, I can tell you that the love I have for Jason and the love I have for Ethan are the same. At first, I will be honest I wondered how I would feel about having a biological child. And although Ethan didn't live, I can tell you there is no difference.

I think egg donation would be very similar. Heck even more of a bond, if that's even possible because you would feel your baby inside. That's how I see Jason, he is my baby. It's funny, we often call his biological mother our egg donor, because the end result is the same. He is ours, and we are so happy and grateful to be his parents. It is truly a privilege.

I know this is a tough decision, I will pray for strength and wisdom for you while you ponder with this decision.

m said...

Hi. A friend just sent me a link to your blog. We just lost our twin girls to a premature delivery. They were conceived using (anonymous) donor eggs. We do hope to try again doing an FET. In a bit. I've detailed our journey (including the hard questions you're asking now) on my blog but please don't hesitate to email if you want to talk more about the donor egg process.

wishing you the best,

Summer said...

I found you through your comment to onwardandsideways. I used anonymous donor eggs and am nearly at the end of my successful cycle. It took me about 3 years to be completely comfortable with the idea of donor eggs and also to get a diagnosis from an RE I trusted which helped me take the final step to DE.

From the few posts I've read so far from your blog, I'm a little surprised that your doctors have suggested DE after some IUIs. Do you have high FSH? With IUIs, I always thought the idea was not to stimulate more than 3 eggs to ovulate so the protocol is different than for an IVF. It seems that until you have undergone an IVF stimulation, it's rash to suggest that you don't make enough eggs. Are you seeing an RE for your IUIs or are you with an OB? In my experience, it is better to get the opinion of an RE for your chances at success with IVF than an OB.

If your chances of success with IVF using your eggs is truly low (I've never heard of an RE giving anyone a 0% chance of success unless they are over 50 and have gone through menopause), then I think you have to ask yourself if you are emotionally prepared for possible failure using IVF or if you have the financial ability to go through IVF, have it possibly fail and then do DE/IVF (which is more expensive).

Just so you know, I had a spontaneous pregnancy which ended in miscarriage. Then I had one IUI, one cancelled IUI (no follicles at baseline u/s) and went straight to DE/IVF without trying IVF with my eggs (I was given a 5%, 10% at most, success rate due to high FSH). My donor was 27 and we went to a clinic that had one of the highest DE/IVF success rates in the nation. I was able to be successful on our first fresh cycle. Success with donor egg on the first try doesn't happen with everyone and for some it doesn't happen at all, but I think if you decide to do DE/IVF since you already had a pregnancy (which means implantation is probably not be a problem) and if the clinic you choose is fairly competent, you can be successful.