"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Cycles of Life

I got my period today. At first I was scared. I never fully stopped bleeding since the day I gave birth. The last couple weeks were mere spotting though. I figured I wouldn't get it for a while, but when I called the doctor frantically, she said that it usually comes 4-6 weeks after delivery. It's been 4 weeks, 1 day, 2 hours, but who's counting.

I suddenly feel hopeful. I was told that I should have two periods before I begin trying again. This is number 1. If all goes my way (which I cannot say it has been lately), I have 28 days to go. I will hope that my mom and Sally Ann are pulling for me on the other side- maybe they have some influence that can help me get knocked up again- and quick!

It is funny- thoughts like this make me question life and the universe. A woman who had gone through a similar experience wrote "together, let's figure out a way to have this bring purpose and meaning to your life." It was the same words told to her when she was in my shoes.

This bringing purpose and meaning to my life?

How can I? At this point When I think about what happened, all I feel is despair- where is the meaning? I am definitely not there yet, but at least I didn't find those words offensive. I think I am on the right road...


Nicky Laird said...

Believe it or not it will bring purpose and meaning to your life, the purpose is to find the courage to get up everyday and live. This courage will lead you to your next pregnacy, the meaning wil be the day you give birth again and hold your baby in your arms. Honestly you wont understand that now but when you kiss those chubby little fingers you will understand the meaning. I have read all the commetns and the storys, we each of us sadly have our own storys to tell, but take it from someone who is a few steps further down the greiving road, there are very sunny days ahead of you.
I wish you all a bright future one that I have a feeling will very shortly be filled with babies.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm a firm believer in the idea that you can learn from anything. Including the death of your child.

I don't know that it has brought meaning or purpose to my life, but I am a better person, a kinder, more gentle and more considerate person. I have a better sense of priorities.

And Nicky - I'm sorry, but your comment smacks of the idea that one baby can replace another. Perhaps this is not what you meant, but I don't believe babies die and are replaced by their living siblings. I don't believe that having another child will cure the grief of losing my first child.

Travelwahine said...

That's the one thing I've noticed about losing a baby, people will come to you and tell you all of these stupid comments that I don't think they'd tell another human being suffering the loss of their loved one ie. husband, mother. I have a friend who insists I try again and have another baby soon to ease the pain. I want to scram and tell her "Even if I have 100 kids after this loss, I will never be over the pain of losing my precious baby". You don't tell a widow to go and find another husband, or a person who just lost their parent to go and find other parents. Uggg!!!!!!!!

Natalie said...

I think you ARE on the right path. One foot in front of another. That's all I keep telling myself.

Be prepared if your next period is "late" - sometimes ovulation can be delayed the first cycle (or even after that).

I've learned a lot from this whole experience. Not things I ever wanted to learn this way, many things I would have been very happy never learning, but I did walk away from it all knowing that I am stronger, that I did grow for having been through it. Sometimes that thought is a comfort. Okay, not really. But it's something to think about.