"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Sunday, August 17, 2008

3 weeks since delivery

I can't believe it has already been 3 weeks since Sally Ann died. I think I may be still in shock. I feel numb a lot of the time. I have been trying to do everything I can to faciliate the healing process. I have been seeing a therapist and went to a SHARE support group last week. I am not usually the support group type, but it was actually a relief to be around other women that were going through experiences similar to mine. I felt like they knew how I was feeling- even though our stories are different, we were bound together by a loss that we could each relate to.

I have a massage scheduled for next weekend and I have been getting out into nature and taking walks in the woods with my dog Lola. I have also been going to Reiki and restarted my acupuncture and herbs to prepare for trying again. The Reiki healer told me a story that brought me so much to tears that I though was going to hyperventilate. As soon as I calmed down, I actually fell right to sleep on the table there.

The shortened story- two little child angels were playing in heaven. They were having sooo much fun, playing here and there, laughing, jumping- they were squealing with joy. Then one angel said the other, "come let's go play over there." and the other said, "no, I need to stay over here." The first angel said, "but we can have so much fun over there." The other angel said,"no I need to stay here. My mommy wants me to stay right here." The moral of the story, of course, let her go and let her spirit be free rather than hold on so tight.

I can never let go of the love I have for Sally Ann. I can never let go of the dreams I had for my life with her. However, Maybe, at some point, I can loosen my grip and take a couple deep breaths. The life I planned will never be and that is just the way it is. But a great life is still inevitable for me. I have learned in this process how much my husband loves me- our bond is much deeper than it was two months ago. I am a mother. Yes my baby died, but I am still her mother and that will also never change. And I believe that I will be a mother to more children. In just over two months I will begin trying again. Only this time, I won't wonder whether I can get pregnant because I know I can.


AnotherDreamer said...

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

Suzanna Catherine said...

Just found your blog and read your story. I'm so very sorry about the loss of your beloved Sally Ann.

Sending you ((hugs)) and love.

JuliaS said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl.

Wishing you better days to come.

Anonymous said...

hi lisa, my name is april, i'm carolyn's friend. i just wanted to say how sorry i am for your loss and when i tell u that i understand the pain u feel, that i truly do. i think u know i loss my son 6 years ago. i obviously have learned to deal w/ my loss through the years and u will too, but i stll miss and think about him every single day. i still wonder what he would look like, and what kind of things he would like to do. i'll never stop thinking about the what if.'s. i guess the point i'm trying to make is, time does heal. in the beginning, when my mother kept telling me that, it use to make me livid, i kept thinking, what is she crazy, time can not heal my broken heart. time may not have healed my heart completely, but it does allow u at some point to still mourn your baby, but at the same time function again. my mom also use to tell me that my son would not want me to be sad for the rest of my life, which is true. just as i'm sure lil sally ann would not want her mommy to be sad forever. i use to think everything in life happened for a reason, but after 6 years i still haven't founf a reason for my heartache. i guess it's like u said in ur blog, sometimes there are no answers to some questions. i f ever want to vent, please feel free to email me at abcadams1@yahoo.com remember, i can relate to what ur going through. take care of yourself and know that u will not always be in the darl place that u are in now. u will be in my thoughts and prayers.