"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Always in the background

Just like a cut that is in the process of healing,my pain is always in the background. While I was in the hospital in puerto rico, my lower discs apparently began to compress, causing a numbing pain down the front of my left thigh. My primary doctor wants me to go to physical therapy or consider surgey to correct in the future. I don't feel it at every moment, but it is sort of a dull, numb pain that is pretty much always there. It is just like my thoughts of Sally Ann. I may be cooking, or lying in bed, or reading, or driving, going for walk...and she's there. She's in my mind. My daughter died.

I thought the hardest thing in the world was watching my mother die last year- actually almost a year ago to the day- from lung cancer. It was a slow death. She survived almost 4 years which is a miracle in itself for late stage lung cancer. The final weeks were really hard. I actually watched the body give in and die. I wasn't sure how I was going to get over it. The wound is there still but it does hurt less. The justice in that is that it occurred in the natural order of things- mom dies before child. There is no justice in this. No explaining why.

1 comment:

Natalie said...

Your tale of the foreign hospital just gives me the shudders.... I'm so glad you were able to get back to the US, even if it didn't change the outcome, I just can't imagine laying on a dirty mattress and being treated by nurses who don't wash their hands. That is so scary.

The what-ifs will probably be with you for a very long time, but they do get less intense. I don't spend my time obsessing over it anymore. But I know for the first few weeks it was so hard not to think about it... wondering if I had only turned left instead of right months ago, would I have ended up in a different place today? It takes a long time to get over the shock. Losing a baby... especially after infertility treatments... it just feels too cruel to be real. It's too heartwrenching.

Have you considered seeing a chiropractor for your spine compression issue? The chiro has been a godsend for me. My insurance even covers it.