I was at the OB today and he was running late- over an hour- of course he was monitoring someone in labor along with being overbooked.
At first I was ok in the waiting room- I was with my husband and that always helps. Next, a couple of pregnant women came in- and I maintained. I think I stared a little too long, but I kept it together while I nervously looked at my watch every 15seconds.
Next, a woman with her baby came in. Couldn't she shut up? It was like she never had seen a baby before (even though it was hers). She kept coddling and talking baby speak and saying "are you hungry?" and kissing him. I wanted to scream at her!
My husband tried to keep me calm as tears starting streaming down my face. Then he tried to get me to laugh, which worked, but now I am laughing and crying and the woman has noticed- she is looking at me like I might have some mental status issues. Finally, 30 minutes into the wait, the nurse asks if we might be more comfortable in a private room to wait. I would be more comfortable with a poker in my eye.
On a positive note, I have now lost 12.5 pounds in 3 weeks.
The autopsy results came in- Sally Ann was in perfect shape- no abnormalities, in the 75th percentile- the only thing notable was her middle toe was longer that her big toe. The placenta was perfectly fine too. The only thing they can point to for my water to have broken was the bleeding I had had during the past 2 months. In fact, continued bed rest might have saved this pregnancy. If it were 6 weeks later, we would have been talking about a viable pregnancy, although I know the complications and risks may be great with a very young preemie.
Hindsight is everything I am told. Next time around, I will wrap myself with saran wrap and stay in bed for 9 months. I need to NOT focus on this. Many women bleed during pregnancy and don't lose their baby. Many women walk around and don't lose their baby. I tripped and fell the day before. Not hard though. Many women trip and fall and don't lose their baby. I am telling myself there was nothing more I could have done.
Coming Back from Beyond
8 years ago
6 comments:
Those what if questions will eat you up. I know it's impossible to make them go away...but know that you did everything you could. You are a good mother. Thinking of you and your precious Sally Ann.
Thank you for your continued kind words. it really means a lot. I actually look forward to seeing your comments.
I'm Rh negative which means I need a shot of something I can't remember after every abortion, miscarriage or live birth. I remember waiting in the dr's office(alone) after my first miscarriage trying to keep it together. I sat in a corner, away from all the pregnant & new mothers trying to keep it together. Someone noticed me crying and moved me to a private room. I wonder why they don't just put you in the private room to start...Leslie
One evening shortly after my miscarriage I spent a few minutes with my husband's ex-wife, who was newly a mother, again. Watching her nurse her two week old baby and talk casually about their daily life made me want to throttle her (and we get along great in general!). She of course never knew about my pregnancy, and so keeping the ugly hate I was feeling away from the surface was an important, and very difficult, chore.
My first "post-natal" visit is Wednesday and I am so not looking forward to sitting in the waiting room with all of the glowing pregnant folks. It's just one more thing that's not fair about this process.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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