"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Sunday, April 12, 2009

So much more to share- so sick of the bull

I recall a time in my life where I was walking on cloud nine. Things flowed smoothly, I really knew that bumps in the road had their place, but played such small part in my overall fabulous life.

Now I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel lost. I feel confused. I like being prepared, but why do I keep having to come up with a another plan B?

I had a family member who was going to be an egg donor for me and now she backed probably out. The worst part about the whole thing is that she lied to me and said she was disqualified by the hospital rather than being honest and telling me that she had second thoughts and didn't think she could do it. This was a very immature move and she is quite young so I don't know why I expected more from her. But she set into motion consequences that she probably didn't even give a single thought to:

1. It cost me $1000 to fly her up to Boston, as well as hundreds of dollars in out pocket expenses for her blood tests. That money could have been much better spent. If she told me she changed her mind, I could be using this money for more important things- like working on having a baby.
2. Because we were supposed to begin cycling this weekend, my doctor had to go ahead and request insurance coverage for a DE cycle(which was approved). Now, I can no longer go back to insurance-covered fertility treatment for myself. This is a HUGE setback. If I want to spend this newly-found free time at least continuing to try on my own, I have to pay out of pocket for it.
3. I wanted to do something as generous as she did. The day I picked her up from the airport, I did a random act of kindness- I gave away my fertility meds to a woman I had never met before so that she could have an opportunity to be mom. It was a sad feeling as it meant I was closing a door. The meds were about 5K. Even though I was sad, I felt great about giving another woman a gift like that. Now those meds are gone for me. Do I have regrets? No. But it does make me sad. I just pray this woman gets pregnant from them.
4. I am now starting all over again- another 4-month set back, at minimum. Given the four years of fertility treatments, waiting gets very old. I REALLY wanted to be pregnant by Sally Ann's delivery date- I guess that won't be happening.
5. There is a rift of dishonesty between her and I- and I am not sure how we'll get over it. I thought the DE would bring us closer. Now with her lying, it will be hard to move forward. I wish she had just told me the truth about how she was feeling, at some point in the 4 months of waiting- even that she was having second thoughts. If she had told me the truth, it would have hurt, a lot, but I could have dealt with the truth. But to come up with a lie that wasn't even a believable, scientific reason for disqualification was ridiculous. And she told me in such a cavalier fashion, it was shocking. She came back into hotel room and was just like, oh I was disqualified because....and then just got on her computer to check her email. There was no real feeling of concern or remorse. It didn't really seem like she was phased after she told me. Meanwhile, I was wreck about it, crying. That morning, I couldn't bear the pain and had to take her to the airport right away. I kept the counseling session we were supposed to go together to talk out the happenings of the day and the last few months leading up to it. Should I have know there was something up? I checked up on how she was feeling at one point and she sounded quite positive.

When she first agreed to do this, she said that it was such a great gift and she was so happy to give this to me, given what I had been through. Her words were of complete generosity. I wanted to give her something for going through all this and, after conferring with the hospital and the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), I offerred her 6K for her time and what she would be going through. This is considered above the recommended amount of 3-5K. She responded that she really wanted 26K for it. I was shocked- this is completely unheard of for this sort of procedure. Something in the back of my mind clued me in that maybe there was something off in the whole arrangement. I said no to the request, but agreed to add out of pocket expenses such as her time away from work for appointments and gas fare as needed.

When it got closer to the trip to Boston, I wish she had called and gotten her concerns out with the doctor rather than flying up here to back out. I mean, if she had second thoughts, couldn't she have spoken up sooner?

Her behavior and lack of follow up from that entire side of the family only hurts more. What I needed most was understanding and concern from them. I felt more isolated than ever.

Oh well. What will be will be. I'll just get up off the floor, dust off my ass, and come up with a new version of plan B. They say luck is when preparation meets opportunity. And I'm feeling lucky. What's the alternative? Continuing to sob and tell myself that my life is over? No. Each day brings me closer. Each set back will strengthen my resolve. I am going to be an outstanding mother.


Mrs. Spit said...

I'm really sorry.

m said...

As am I. Very sorry for this setback.

Cara said...

There is nothing worse than dishonesty, especially amoung family.

I am so sorry after all you have been through four months must feel like eternity.


Kim said...

It is so very difficult when the ones who we are supposed to be able to trust unconditionally are not worthy of that trust. I am so sorry you are facing such a large setback.

dreamsandfalsealarms said...

Oy vey. What a pain. You are going to be an awesome mother, now if you could just find that baby. I keep misplacing mine...

Frau said...

That's a great attitude. I can see how someone would balk at the idea of donating eggs, but yes she should have been upfront about this. Sorry she led you on such a merry chase.

nishkanu said...

I am really sorry for your setback. We were not able to move ahead with our first choice donor because she changed her mind and it was very disappointing even though it wasn't someone I knew personally, nor did I lose money on it. You think you have everything lined up, then you find yourself at square one again - frustrating. I know it's not much of a consolation, but it is better to find out she is having trouble with dealing with it openly now than down the road when you have a child. Wishing the best for you.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Grr. I'm so bummed for you. You know that. Grr.

This statement: "I am going to be an outstanding mother." Oh so true. REALLY REALLY TRUE.


Clare said...

Here from L&F.. recovering myself from a donor backing out. Shit that sucks. Particularly with the insurance angle and the way she did it. It is bad enough when 'fate' or whatever deals us these cards, but when the people who actually know what we are going through make it hard --- oh so hard.

And blast we want the donors to be young for the egg quality, but it would be so nice if maturity and life experience could be linked to youth.


Lorraine said...

Unbelievable frustrating! I hope you find that the alternative turns out to be so much better in the end.

Natalie said...

Oh son of a bitch. That sucks so freakin' bad in so many ways. I'm so sorry girl.

Callie said...

Came over from LFCA to say I'm so sorry you're going through this. While I understand that offering donor eggs is a huge and personal decision, there is no excuse for her dishonesty and subterfuge. Especially to do it in such a cavalier way without any thought or regard for what it's putting you through - both emotionally and financially.

I admire your strength in picking yourself up and focusing on what's next.

Kami said...

I know I am sooo late, but wanted to still say I am sorry.

My sister wouldn't donate her eggs and I am still bitter about that, but at least she had the courage to not say yes. She wouldn't tell me "no", but eventually I figured out it was not "yes".

I also understand wanting, no "needing" to be pregnant by Sally Ann's delivery date.

Again, I am very sorry - for all you are going through and have been through

Cara said...

Just wanted say happy mother's day - to you - for you are!!