"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Waiting is loaded with emotions

I am not sure how to wait gracefully, patiently. I tend to do a lot of crying as I think back on what could have been. Then there's the "I need to relax" piece when I start my deep breathing, yoga or relaxation tapes. I often try to think of something different in the early days past IUI- usually that means a fabulous dinner and wine- anything to make the feel indulgent and distracted. My husband gave me the home alone today, and I have filled it mostly with sleeping, eating and working.

As time goes on I get more and more tightly wound up. I want it so badly but I am afraid to be that exposed, that vulnerable- to open myself up completely to the "what may be." I have done that so many times before and look where that got me.

Oh well- I guess it is better to hold out hope that I will have my hearts desire. It feels a whole lot better than believing I am destined to be unfulfilled.


Mrs. Spit said...

Yes. Waiting is hell.

Lorraine said...

I completely get the "afraid to open up" thing. But if you know in your heart that you really want something, it's just so hard to keep that hope completely squelched down.

Hang in there - the waiting will be over eventually!

Kami said...

I understand completely too. When I needed to hope - which I think can be a great thing - I would imagine my Someday Baby without too much detail as to when and how.

Hang in there.