"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Thursday, August 28, 2008

A Penny For Your Thoughts

They say I wear my heart on my sleeve. I also wear my daughter around my neck. Call me morbid. It is somehow very comforting that I can keep her ashes safe. I feel closer to her. Damn it- that's all I got. Chris at the funeral home gave me the locket for free when he did the cremation. The whole thing was free actually. The locket is silver and gold and in the shape of a heart. On the back, it is engraved with Sally Ann's name and birthdate. I am always pleasantly surprised by the generosity of others. The world is a good place- at least more good than bad.

A week ago, I reached down to find the locket missing from my neck- it turns out it is a screw top and I guess I was fiddling with it so much, I screwed the darn thing off. I went into a tailspin. How could I have lost my daughter TWICE? I finally found her in my closet. The locket was on its side, some of the ashes had fallen out and lay next to the locket. Boy did I feel like a terrible mom as I tried to place the ashes back in with my fingers. Sally is back on my neck now and I won't do that again!

Thoughts keep coming up, swirling around in my mind. I still have tons of doctors calls, appointments, medical records sent here and there. It feels like insult to injury- I can't just move forward. I keep having to re-hash, follow up, discuss next steps. I thought my next steps would be a crib and a car seat.

I hope my next pregnancy is smooth and easy. Breathe in, breathe out. Some questions have no answers. Just keep on keeping on...

1 comment:

Travelwahine said...

You are not morbid. We are mothers who lost our babies and try to hold on to everything of theirs, it's all we have left.

When I was leaving the hospital, I asked the nurse to give me everything he had on. I even told her to give me his dirty diaper. Yes, a dirty diaper. It had a small amount of meconium on it. It was the only diaper he would ever wear. And it's as valuable as gold to me.

So, wear your locket proudly. That is YOUR baby.

I, too, am amazed by the kindness of people, total strangers. That's one thing I discovered after Ethan died. There are still good people in this world. You're right our babies gave us hope and continue to do so everyday.