"Self pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world."
- Helen Keller1880-1968, Blind and Deaf Educator

Friday, August 1, 2008

The day the earth stood still

I will never forget the feeling. I was lying in bed reading and it was about 10 pm on a Monday night. My husband and I were on puerto rico- our 5 year wedding anniversary trip. Our baby moon as it is called. Sally Ann was 17 weeks gestation. I had just finished watching a BBC pregnancy calender DVD that shows what is developing at what time frame. I had found out recently that my baby's hearing was developed and that she could recognize her mom's voice. I was talking to her a lot in the days before. How cool! She could hear me and I could tell her how much I love her.

That feeling. It was like I was peeing all of a sudden. Drip, drip drip. It felt so weird. I couldnt stop it. I went to the bathroom to see what was up and wooosh! Fluid started coming out of me. This is not normal- I knew that. I was panicked. I woke up my husband. He didn't seem too concerned. I called my OB back in the states-the doctor on call called me back quickly. She remained calm and wanted me to do so too. She suggested I relax, stay in bed and go see an OB in the morning.

I was extremely scared. I was wearing a pad and it was drenched in a sort of watery fluid with a distinctive smell. I can't really describe it. It wasn't a bad odor, just something I had never smelled before.

We got to the hospital the next morning at 8:30 am. The concerierge highly recommended this hospital about 10 minutes from the hotel. We signed in- first I wrote on the sign-in paper that I was 37 weeks and water broke. Then I realized what I wrote and changed it to 17 weeks. The happiness of the staff turned to concern. They brought me to a bed and I waited. I waited all day. They took blood, hooked up an IV, took a urine sample. Gave me an ultrasound. No one was saying anything- we just waited. My husband and I talked about dinner. I hadn't eaten anything all day and was starving. We decided that, after this scare, we were NOT having the amnio. We would take what we got and that's that.

This was too much for me to handle. At week 9 I had a blood clot. In the middle of the night, I awoke to a mass of tissue coming out into the toilet. I thought for sure that it was baby. We went to the OB in the morning and baby was just fine but I had developed a blood clot in my uterus that remained there, though getting smaller since then. Every couple weeks I would have a massive bleed, followed by occasional spotting. I was on modified bed rest off and on for weeks 9 through 16. I had gotten the ok to come back to work and the ok to go to puerto rico. I had no bleeding for 3 weeks prior to the trip. Doesn't do me any good now. I wondered if the two might be related.

The doctor finally came in at about 4:30 pm to talk. He brought us to a labor and delivery room. This scared the heck out of me. Why was I in this room? He proceeded to tell me that my water broke, as I had suspected, and that there was pretty much no amniotic fluid left in me. He said that I would most likely go into labor in the next 48 hours but I could help the process along if I liked. Was he out of his mind? I couldn't understand what he was saying to me. I think he was saying I should terminate the pregnancy. Yes- that is what he was saying. At 17 weeks gestation, the pregnancy was not viable and would still be considered an abortion. The baby, on the other hand, was doing well- the ultrasound showed a normal heartbeat and movement.

I thought was going to pass out. What were my OTHER options? Well- the doctor mentioned that I could get an infection since my cervix would be opening. That would be bad. I asked if I could possibly have IV antibiotics. The doctor thought that would be ok. I was confused, scared and inconsolable. Then I started bleeding. Damn this! This was my baby. This can't be happening to me. Please! Tell me this isn't happening!


angelee said...

I remember when I began to bleed at seen weeks. I was terrified! At first it was just some spots but soon it was as if I was having a full blown period... and it didn't stop. I worked all the way through my miscarriage, crying the whole time (paradoxically the clients I saw that day told me that those massages were the best they had ever had) and just bleeding, bleeding, bleeding. I thought to myself, I am losing my baby. Those words. And I tried to deny it but a trip to the emergency room that evening left me with no questions as to whether this child would survive. It was such a sterile visit, too. The doctor was less than sympathetic and looked at me like I was crazy when I told him I didn't want the exam that he started prepping me for without asking first.
I'm so sad for your loss, Lisa. I can't tell you how much I feel and how much this has brought back for me. xo

Audrey said...

I have no idea how I got to your blog (having one of those days) but I just read the whole thing and needed to write a message because your story and your thoughts and feelings seem to echo mine.
I am so sorry for your loss and hope that 2009 brings you the baby you so desire and deserve.