I spend many a night thinking about my journey and where I am today. The fact that I have my most cherished dream come true doesn't completely take away the tragedy and desperation I experienced along the way. However, at least there was a happy ending to an unhappy story. That doesn't always happen.



Do I have any regrets? Some, but it isn't worth discussing today. I am just so grateful I have the life I do with my most precious, sweet baby.

I miss Sally Ann tremendously and I wonder what life would have been like had she survived. I wouldn't have my little T if she had lived and that leaves me with an awkward feeling. I don't believe that things are meant to be but I do believe that my little baby belongs to me and I to her and the universe let us meet and fall in love.

And so the end of the story is also only the beginning and I look forward to what comes next. I hope to update you loyal readers from time to time to let you know what's happening. The question of the decade will be, do we have another? It seems so silly to even say it after the trauma involved in having miss T. However,we do have another embryo there, waiting for us, on ice. It perhaps couldn't hurt to just give it the old college try...

For now, though, please let this blog be a testament of faith, courage and resilience. Let this stand as a story about infertility, hope, baby loss, and continued desire for a baby. I never gave up and, for that, I got a my baby, my hope, my dreams and much more. I discovered what is truly important in being a mother. It's not about a mini me. It's about unconditional love and acceptance, complete surrender, and legacy. Oh- and I learned a lot about patience and impatience...

Most of all, this story is about Sally Ann. My sweet baby who didn't survive. I will love you always. Perhaps we will meet again. I hope so.

For now, let me say take care and good luck on each of your journeys. I will be wearing my lucky socks for you...they worked for me. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May 2011 bring all that you hope for. xoxo

Happy birthday, Sally Ann

Two years ago today we said hello and goodbye to you. I miss you sweet baby. I will never forget you. You were my first born. I wish you were here with me. I still cry for you.

A Needed Update

I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. I'm surprised I have enough time to brush my teeth, frankly. I just wanted you all to know I am not completely gone, just trying to find my way in this amazing new journey for me.

The years of infertility and losing Sally Ann has given me a heightened appreciation for my little sweetie. I am completely present and engaged in the good, bad and ugly. No one can prepare you for the overwhelment of the first couple of months. I'm already sad of the growth I've been witness to. In a future post I want to write about how life is a series of weanings. This little being was once a speck within me- part of me. Then she became a separate being. As she gets bigger and older, she will pull away. Right now, I'll just enjoy all I can give to my daughter and try to be in the moment. It's hard to do but I need to do it or I will drive myself crazy.

Was the journey worth it? Taking a look at the pictures, you know the answer. While it doesn't take away the hurt from my loss, it does distract me.

Introducing Tinker Bell

My little tinker bell was born on Wednesday, April 28, at 12:21 pm EST. She weighed in at 7 pounds 5 ounces and measured just over 20 inches long. Needless to say, I have feelings of sheer positive overwhelmement, coupled with exhaustion from the last couple of nights.

T, as I will nickname her here, is my dream come true. While she is at the beginning of her very existence, she is the result of years of yearning and cross roads, wearing lucky socks, heart break and plan B's.

This day does not negate the journey's twists and turns and will never bring back Sally Ann in any way. However, I sigh a truly sincere sigh in knowing that my life is once again forever changed- in a good way.

I am sure I will find more words to share about my feelings being here. For now, I need to tend to baby.

Thank you all who have come here and supported me over the years. Sometimes it takes a village to make a child.

Anxiety Sets In as the Date Draws Near

I am so excited as the date gets closer. My c-section is less than 2 weeks away. But the fear is setting in.

Will I get my life's dream? Will it be taken away from me in a nano second like before? Yesterday we had a scare that brought us into the doctor. I thought I didn't feel the baby move and we rushed in. The baby really wasn't moving much. After about 30 minutes on the non stress machine and a cup of very cold water, she was moving up a storm. Her heart rate was good and I was getting some contractions.

Now I don't know if I convinced myself that something was wrong. Doc says it happens to everyone, not just the dead baby mamas. It made me feel better. Still, I hope these two weeks don't kill me.

Attached are some of the most recent pics of me from a few weeks ago.

Yeah, but...

I am so excited now about what may actually come to pass in the next few weeks...my hormones are pulsing through my body. One moment I am happy as a clam, the next I am frantic and scared that something may go wrong...the following moment, I am hysterical over the loss of Sally Ann.

There is so much emotion brewing. I am a well spring of feelings right now. It is a most confusing time.

The happier I get about the little girl within me, the sadder I feel about baby number 1.

"Is this your first?" Will people quit asking me that freakin question?

I am feeling confused. I should be so happy...and I am. But I have so many more, unwanted emotions that accompany me on this journey. I suppose this is my life and I might as well get used to it.

Does anyone have words of wisdom?

Baby, Baby, Bay

I know these pics may seem weird or sci fi to some of you...they come from my baby's 33 week 3D u/s. I'm in love. I can hardly wait.

32 weeks, 4 pounds, 14 ounces

Baby is doing well so far- growing well, moving lots. I'm holding my breath yet feeling more secure about her. I can't wait to hold her. I mean- let's not have a premie, but I am counting the days until we meet.

I go for another 3D u/s this weekend- can't wait to see her pretty face again. I am also going to my very own baby shower. I was hesitant to even tolerate one before the birth, but I'll take the risk this time and spend an afternoon celebrating what almost surely will be- with friends who love me and will be there for me either way.

Funny- I used to hate baby showers. I would put on my fake smile and pretend that it didn't hurt that I was still childless in the presence of pregnant women and women with children. It was a torment that I put myself through because I really wanted to be there for those whom I loved. But it hurt. It was a sad and lonely feeling.

I wonder if I will feel weird this weekend...I am not sure that one can ever leave behind the infertile or the dead baby mama persona. Maybe all that will make me more grateful and appreciative of what lies ahead. Time will tell. Wish me luck...

60 days and counting

It has been decided that I will undergo a scheduled c-section on April 28th. That means, barring any unforeseen tragedy or early delivery, I will meet my sweetie cakes 60 days from today. I am so excited now. I can't even believe it. Still I preface "unforeseen tragedy." I don't think that can ever change. It is just the nature of who I am today- the new woman I became after my baby has died and my heart was ripped out from within me.

But for my baby number 2, I owe it to her to find a warm and welcoming stance. She cannot be my second choice. She is just as important to me as baby number 1. And, after all, she is all I have now.

The New Normal

It is funny how this term continues to change its meaning in my life. For a long time, it meant life after my mom's death coupled with life after the death of my first baby girl. I could not go back to who I was before. No, I became am a new woman after the deaths of the two most important females in my life to date. I was no longer filled with hope and optimism. I felt scared and scarred. I felt like I was drowning, mostly.

Increasingly, though, my new normal has been a normal pregnancy- at least normal for me. I wouldn't even begin to compare mine with the happy go lucky 20-something oops sort of experience. No, my pregnancy arrived here, kicking and screaming, with much ongoing poking and prodding, and took a village to create. But here I am now, alone in my bed, 7 months pregnant with the little one moving and shaking to the lullabies I am playing on the laptop. To see me, no one would be the wiser regarding the journey I have taken. I mean there is no mistaking the fact that I am pregnant. And I am doing all the pregnant woman sort of things- eating lots of food, waddling about here and there, looking at baby sites, nesting, reading Dr. Sears....the new normal is that I feel like a pregnant woman and nothing more. I haven't been obsessing with the journey and all its painful the twists and turns.

The only indicator that there is something different is when the dreaded question gets asked, "is this your first?" I want to say, "is that any of your business?" I called the OB yesterday and the answering service asked me that question. It kind of brought me back to reality. Ah well, it wasn't the end of the world and I have gotten a bit of practice of late.

I wonder if motherhood will be a new normal or just normal.

For those who have asked...a pic taken today...28 weeks, 5 days.

Something has clicked in me

I'm feeling like a mother. I have been obsessed with anything baby. It's almost an illness. My baby girl already has a full red sox, patriots and bruins wardrobe. Don't get me wrong. My superstitions and fears are always with me- even through the hours I spend combing online baby stores and picking through my registry.

I was at a discount store today and my husband came up with a pair of pink little toddler winter boots. They were on sale. It was the sweetest thing I've seen. He is genuinely, completely thrilled. My dad purchased an antique child's barber chair for "his granddaughter." He is over the top too.

"Is this your first?" is the question of the hour. Everywhere I go, people feel the need to ask. How do I answer this? Usually I say no. I say my first died in childbirth. I don't say it to get a rise or make them feel uncomfortable. I say it because Sally Ann will always hold the place in my heart as my first baby girl. It just doesn't seem right to negate that.

I think I will always feel a bit of sadness from what has been. I can't believe I can say it has gotten easier. Easier in the sense that I can function and think about it at the same time. Easier in that my flood of tears has slowed to usually only a few tears at a time. I don't know if I truly believe in life beyond death but I pray each day that I will be with my baby in death.

For now, I'll shop for the living. For me and my next baby girl.

Meet the Baby

Here is my beautiful daughter, age 22 weeks. I can hardly believe how great she looks with the 3D ultrasound. Amazing! It was very much a bonding experience for my husband and me. We felt somehow closer to her by being able to watch her move and shake within me. For those who can and have access, I highly recommend the experience.

For the next 24 hours, I pretty much did nothing else but gaze at her pretty pictures, all 150 of them on a CD that I got to take with me.

It feels real now. I was planning on not telling people I was pregnant until I was past the 24 week milestone. However, I decided to relax into this pregnancy and have some faith that things may work out well this time. To this end, I shared my status on face book this morning. That is a very big step for me. I got showered with congratulations and well wishes.

My only hope is that the rest of the pregnancy goes by faster than the first half. I love the feeling of being pregnant right now, but the fear still creeps back in daily and I'd be ever so happy to reach the full term day of my pregnancy and have a happy, easy and healthy delivery.

Shared support needed

If you have a moment, please drop by my friend's blog
After much struggle to get pregnant, her baby died in utero. She could use some support and gentle words.

I am so sad to hear about this as I had so much hope for her and this pregnancy. Please share in a united wish that 2010 brings better times- only happiness and good things.

It's a girl!

Long time no post. I just have felt so overwhelmed with life that I haven't taken the time to do much of anything other than the required and then rest for mama and baby.

I'm almost 20 weeks now. It's hard to believe it. At 17 weeks I got a sinus infection and I was coughing so hard that I began spotting. An immediate trip to the urgent care alleviated the melt down feelings. Nothing since. Just kicking baby and clearing up stuffed nose and throat.

I hope all is easy through 24 weeks and beyond. I hope the pregnancy stays smooth and easy.

Smooth and easy is not something I have a lot of experience with but it is something I definitely need. Next u/s is in a week. They will do biweekly u/s until the end of the pregnancy to make sure everything is going ok.

For those of my blog girlfriends, please know that I am reading to keep up, and that sometimes I can't write from sheer exhaustion. I do want to say that I hope this holiday season is good for you and that you remember to be gentle with yourself.

Plugging away

Almost 17 weeks. I can't believe it. Not that the time has gone fast. On the contrary, it is going in slow motion slow. 16 weeks 1 day. 16 weeks 2 days...you get the idea.

We had another u/s this week. All looks great. Baby wasn't cooperating so no goes it on what the gender is. I have my hopes, but a live healthy baby is the most important thing to me.

Last year, my water broke at 17 weeks and I delivered Sally Ann prematurely 2 weeks later. This time for me is very tense. I know that this pregnancy has nothing to do with the last one, but the heart doesn't understand that. So many circumstances remind me of last time. So many questions that will never be answered- the most important one being - did it have to end that way or was there something I could have done?

Why even ask, I wonder. For now, I am fast forwarded back to the here and now. I am just another pregnant woman in the prenatal yoga class. Just another lady with a baby registry at Babies R Us. I wish I could be just another ignorantly blissful woman with child. I supposed I have to settle for who I am. It is certainly better than the alternative. And please believe me when I share how grateful I truly am to be here with baby number 2.

Ultrasound was a hit

12 weeks and counting. On Monday, I had my OB appointment. I hadn't seen this particular doctor since I was in the hospital with Sally Ann. "I have thought a lot about you over the last year. How are you?"

I burst out into tears. I am happy. Very happy. Even ecstatic. But all this excitement won't bring back my precious baby girl. Every fucking time I come to the office, I end up crying. It sucks.

We listened to the fetal heart beat and hugged. Things are going very well so far- completely normal, so she says. The new normal, I think. We decide that due to my high state of panic, I should come in more often, every two weeks, until at least until 19 weeks (that's when I delivered my daughter). I suggest we do this until about 24 weeks. Doc totally understands.

This morning we went for our first trimester screening which includes a highly sensitive ultrasound. Our little one is a mover and shaker, I'll tell you what! I couldn't believe how much exercise the little one was getting. It was amazing. I almost can't believe that I have this live being inside me, growing. I am so thankful to be in this moment. I hope I can stay in this moment until my next appointment.

Next week, I get to stop all my meds except the lovenox. I'm actually relieved that this part is over, but I'm panicked about stopping. Everyone says it's fine to stop. I need to trust that they know what they're talking about. We'll see. Maybe I'll ween myself off slowly.

The question of the day is this: to fetal dopple or not to fetal dopple? Should I rent a fetal heart monitor for the next few months or will that just make me more neurotic? What are your thoughts?

Catch up soon, I promise

I feel compelled to write even with the exhaustion I feel. I decided that castching up on all your blogs was more important than writing on my own. As a quick update, however, I have a follow appt with the OB tomorrow and have lots of questions ready to ask. We'll be listening to the heartbeat if all goes well.

On wednesday, I have a first trimester screening that includes a sensitive ultrasound- I will ask hubby to help me post the pics. I think I will feel more relieved once we do that. For now, I am still pretty anxious, but at least I am 100% present this time- I am taking the time to feel every feeling, good or bad.

Please know that I am reading, even when I am not writing. And now, I think I need to go to sleep.

9 weeks, 5 days- another milestone

I was wanting to post my u/s pics but I can't get my scanner to work. My hubby said he'd work on it but, if I wait for him to fix it, I may never blog again.

The u/s went well- baby is right on target, heart still beating- yippie. I also made it past another milestone. Last time, I developed a blood clot at 9 weeks, 2 days. Well that day came and went- no bleeding. I am so thankful that this pregnancy has been so different from the first, in so many ways.

Like my morning sickness, aka all-day sickness. I have been feeling like yuck yuck all the time and somehow love every minute of it. I went to the acupuncturist on Monday and she did some points to help ease the nausea. It worked like a charm- amazing- and yet I was scared shitless that something was wrong. Finally, on Thursday, the queasy feelings began to creep back in. I've decided that I'd rather be sick than worried.

My first OB appointment is Monday. All I want to know is when can I have another u/s?

I guess the next few milestones for me will be the end of the first trimester and then getting to the 24 week viability point. Last time around, my water broke at 17 weeks, 2 days and Sally Ann was born at 19 weeks. I keep telling others this- past performance has nothing to do with today. I do believe that- I just need to keep reminding myself. I deserve to be happy. I will be a wonderful mother.

Biding time until trimester #2

My next u/s is tomorrow. I will be 8 weeks and 6 days. So far, all has been well. I have felt conspicuously exhausted and nauseous which is heavenly for an infertile. I am savoring every tiring, sick moment.

I have begun to think back on "the last time"- not the smartest move from someone who suffers panic attacks. It was at 9 weeks 2 days that I developed the blood clot in my uterus. I know I will feel much better when that day comes and goes with no activity- but for now I am in the mode of trying not to get nervous. Even if I did get one, many women get blood clots that do not lead to preterm rupture of membranes. And- I am on lovenox for that very reason- to prevent blood clots. For now, I need to just surrender and be in the moment- good practice for being a mom. However, patience is not my strong point.

In other news, I am traveling for business later in the week and will have to give myself my own PIO shots. For those not familiar with what that is (be thankful), it is a big mother needle that goes right into the muscle of your outer butt region. First was going to make my husband and dog go with me on the trip. Then I figured, I'm a smart cookie, there is nothing I can't achieve.

I watched about 4 utube videos and then I retreated the to the master bath to figure things out. It turns out, I did a pretty good job of it. It actually hurt less than when hubby does it. Still, I'm going to have him do it on a regular basis until my trip and then when I return. I know this might sound silly, but that time is a bonding time- when he and come together and I feel like it's us two, as a team, making this happen.

Most of the time I feel likes it's me, alone,contorting myself into every possible position, even throwing myself against a steel wall to get a live baby for the two of us. It feels very one-sided. Not that hubby doesn't want a baby- he absolutely does. It's just, he gets to hang out mostly and then occasionally show up and jack off in a cup. Not really an equal partnership of responsibility on the fertility front. Ah- but he means well. I am so lucky that he has stuck around through this madness- my madness- he is definitely a keeper!

Houston- we have a heartbeat!

I will update you all a bit later...but I didn't want to wait longer to share the good news. I am now a graduate of Vincent Fertility Center ...wow! I can't believe I said that. Next stop- OB.

Coming along

Well, we had a bit of a scare last week. I was so scared, I couldn't blog. Beta numbers are supposed to double every other day. So my first beta was 63 and the sencond one was 85. The nurse said "they were concerned" about it. Why do they have to go and say those things?

The pain and fear and sadness I put myself through was horrible. I went to the dark place about of course this is my fate. Why did I think I could have this? Anyway, it was not a fun weekend with us.

I was freaked out beyond belief. Luckily, the first website I looked at (www.emedicine.com) mentioned that even an increase as low as 33% can still be consistent with a healthy pregnancy. I had not seen that before- I always had read 66%. Anyway, it made my hubby feel better and I had to re-read the website from my blackberry about once per hour or so to calm myself down.

On Monday morning, I got my next beta. All weekend I was praying for 213 (my lucky number). I got 189- good enough, more than doubled. On wednesday, I had 470! Everyone, including me, are very happy with the results. I have my u/s next Monday.

I would like to thank the Academy...

I'm pregnant!

Do you know how long I have waited to say those words? It feels surreal but I also have a calmness about me right now. I'm sure that will quickly fade but I am milking it for the time being. I am too happy for words.

I started testing on Monday. That one looked negative but then I noticed a very faint line at about the 6 minute mark. Still, I thought I was seeing something and I assumed the worst. When the story keeps having the same bad ending, you just assume.

On Tuesday, I got a slightly darker line- encouraging. Yesterday the line looked the same as Tuesday and I began to get worried again- how come it wasn't getting darker? The clinic let me come in a day early for my beta test since I was being a crazy lady and they wanted to put me out of my misery. I had the beta this morning and they confirmed I was most certainly pregnant.

All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you, for being here with me on this journey- women I have (mostly) never even officially met. I know this is only the beginning of a road that will be marked by uncertainty, fear, who knows.... it's great to know that you ladies will be here as I move forward- as we move forward towards our dreams.

It really does take a village...

Waiting

What to do during the 2ww? As an update, the transfer took place on day 5- 2 beautiful blastocysts. Of the others, only one was frozen as 3 arrested in their development, one was missing a key component of the blast, and the other one didn't make it.

I am so glad we didn't do a day three transfer. What if they had transferred one of the ones that didn't make it? On day three, all of them were looking stellar.

And now the wait. What to do? My RE said to relax for 72 hours and I am taking that to mean complete bed rest whereby my hubby waits on me hand and foot. It's already been 2 days. 12 more to go. What to do? Hmmm. What to do?

Retrieval

13 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature, 8 fertilized into embryos. Everything is going well so far. I just need to keep myself calm. All suggestions are welcomed. I go in for the day 3 transfer on Friday, but they might change it to Sunday "depending." I'll just wait and worry, and pray, and wear the lucky socks, visualize, think positive thoughts...you know the drill.

Any ideas on remaining calm, other than mind altering substances, I'd love to hear.

Looking good

The cycle is looking good. There are 16 great looking follicles and then a lot of "smaller ones." Tomorrow is the retrieval. Am I nervous? Yes, I am. I wonder how many will be retrieved, how many will fertilize and how many will make it to day 3 and day 5. I wonder whether I will have a day 3 or day 5 transfer. There are just so many things to wonder about, it can make a girl go nuts. I'm honestly trying not to think about it and keeping my mind occupied with other things.

I read this "Note from the universe" today....
"It's true- the early bird gets the worm.
So does the late bird and the bird in-between. Because by design, there are
always more than enough worms.
In fact, the only bird that doesn't get a worm, is the bird that doesn't go
out to get one."

I need to remind myself that I am on the right track, that I can have my heart's desire- I just need to keep my eye on the prize, and keep going...

Please wish me luck!