9 weeks, 5 days- another milestone

I was wanting to post my u/s pics but I can't get my scanner to work. My hubby said he'd work on it but, if I wait for him to fix it, I may never blog again.

The u/s went well- baby is right on target, heart still beating- yippie. I also made it past another milestone. Last time, I developed a blood clot at 9 weeks, 2 days. Well that day came and went- no bleeding. I am so thankful that this pregnancy has been so different from the first, in so many ways.

Like my morning sickness, aka all-day sickness. I have been feeling like yuck yuck all the time and somehow love every minute of it. I went to the acupuncturist on Monday and she did some points to help ease the nausea. It worked like a charm- amazing- and yet I was scared shitless that something was wrong. Finally, on Thursday, the queasy feelings began to creep back in. I've decided that I'd rather be sick than worried.

My first OB appointment is Monday. All I want to know is when can I have another u/s?

I guess the next few milestones for me will be the end of the first trimester and then getting to the 24 week viability point. Last time around, my water broke at 17 weeks, 2 days and Sally Ann was born at 19 weeks. I keep telling others this- past performance has nothing to do with today. I do believe that- I just need to keep reminding myself. I deserve to be happy. I will be a wonderful mother.

Looking good

The cycle is looking good. There are 16 great looking follicles and then a lot of "smaller ones." Tomorrow is the retrieval. Am I nervous? Yes, I am. I wonder how many will be retrieved, how many will fertilize and how many will make it to day 3 and day 5. I wonder whether I will have a day 3 or day 5 transfer. There are just so many things to wonder about, it can make a girl go nuts. I'm honestly trying not to think about it and keeping my mind occupied with other things.

I read this "Note from the universe" today....
"It's true- the early bird gets the worm.
So does the late bird and the bird in-between. Because by design, there are
always more than enough worms.
In fact, the only bird that doesn't get a worm, is the bird that doesn't go
out to get one."

I need to remind myself that I am on the right track, that I can have my heart's desire- I just need to keep my eye on the prize, and keep going...

Please wish me luck!

Nervous Wreck

I feeling like I am falling to pieces. This process is completely out of my control and I need to find a way to surrender to the whole thing. As many of you may know, I am quite the control queen so this is hard to say the least. I couldn't sleep last night. I have gone back and forth through fits of joy and crying episodes, and I have only been out of bed for about an hour.

My u/s yesterday went well. My uterus looks perfect- triple lining, nice and thick. I am ready to go. Still on Lupron and the vivelle patches in the am, aspirin and the lovenox at night. To that cocktail, I added a glass of 2005 Fransiscan Cabernet. It went down very nicely. My nurse coordinator said a little alcohol could be useful now, especially since I am completely off the anti-depressants and anti-anxieties at this point.

Ovaries- 14 right now, measuring between 9-12. I hope they all keep growing at the same rate- so the big ones slow down and the small ones catch up. Another u/s tomorrow- my clinic is pretty conversative and would like to check the progress daily.

Looks like we are still on for a Mon-Tuesday retrieval....

Let's say the serenity prayer- all together now...

So close, I can hardly stand it

I'm trying to keep my head up and be positive- the retrieval is scheduled to be around August 10-11th and the transfer will be 3-5 days after that. I've scheduled my pre and post transfer acupuncture sessions, I have convinced my hubby we need to stay in a hotel close to the hospital the day before and the day of the transfer (I want everything to be easy and calm). I've gone to a Mikvah- for those that do not know, it is a ritual bath that "cleanses" a person so that she can begin anew (call me superstitious- I am throwing every dart I have and hopefully one will stick). I have consulted with 2 perinatologists, one hematologist and two RE. I am going to counseling, joined a group that is in my situation, and, yes, I am even praying. I am listening to my visualization CD's, using the law of attraction, remembering the importance of humor, exercising to be in better physical shape. I am taking my meds like a perfect patient- Lupron in the am and vivelle patches every other day. I am ready to begin the rest of the protocol. I think I have covered everything?

At this point, it is out of my hands. If I have learned one thing, it's that the whole pregnancy is a miracle and all I can do now is hope.

For those of you in the know, I am starting a special, top secret, diva girl email list to share the info you just won't find on my daily blog- due to the fact that I was reckless and have given out this address to pretty much everyone (silly me!). If you want to hear the REAL story, please drop me an email at hotmamabear213@yahoo.com or any other email you have for me and I can add you to that musing. It won't be a daily thing so don't worry that I will flood your email box. I just wish I could say everything here- unfortunately I cannot. It goes back to the theory I have been hearing of late- you can't un-ring a bell; you can't un-tell information. It's not about keeping secrets, like there's something to be ashamed of. It's about me and my family's privacy. And frankly, all that matters right now is me and my family (to be).

In any case, some of you will probably end up on the list without asking- in which case, you can opt out. For others- your email is not on your blog so I couldn't add you if I tried (which I did)- so if I can have your permission, by giving me your email, I would be tickled pink. Think of it as a new level of our friendship- if you think I have let it hang out here, wait until "big brother" isn't around.

Next u/s for me is August 5th- please cross your fingers, think positive and wear lucky socks for me- you know I will be...

Lousy Lupron

Is it me or does the Lupron sting? I thought I was a wiz at the subQ injection thing but I seem to hear myself say, "ow" every night- and I have had some nasty bruises on my tummy since I started this about 10 days ago.

I am into the game now with a transfer looking like around the 14th of August. Am I happy? I don't think I can say that yet. Am I hopeful? Same thing. Hope has not been my friend in the past so I step forward with some degree of caution. I have started to do my morning visualization ritual again, though. I picture the end in mind- what I truly want (my own live baby) as if I already had it. And then I revel in the feeling of that contentment.

Sound "Secret-esque"??? I was really into The Secret for a while and got A LOT of cool yet creepy financial rewards from the experience(which may be the subject of yet another future blog). Anyway, I began doing this morning visualization back 4 years ago and I stopped at about the time my mother died (which, by the way, the two-year anniversary is this Sunday, June 12). Even if nothing supernatural happens, at least the ritual gets me into a more hopeful place which I believe I will need much of in the weeks to come. In addition, I will be doing the usual- lucky socks, praying, etc.

My first ultrasound is on July 17- just a week before the 1 -year anniversary of Sally Ann.

BFN

Well- I gave it all I could. Can't say I didn't do everything humanly possible to bring a mini me into this world. For the first time ever I was 5 days late and actually beginning to fantasize again. Joke's on me, it seems.

I'll take that hope into my next chapter. I started BCP today for an August "alternative family building activity" (is that cryptic enough for the non-knowers?).

Wish me luck. I'll need all of you to lean on as I grieve, accept things things I cannot change, heal, move on, and become ready to receive new life within me- all in 8 weeks and counting...

Some Knit, Others Scrapbook...

What seems to most women like such a natural part of life has become the challenge of my life. I am consumed with it. "Don't you have a hobby you can do?" a friend asked me earlier, trying to coach me to get my mind off this ever-present task. Working on getting and staying pregnant is my hobby. And it takes so much time out of my day, I really don't have time for anything else.

I like to read, and often read more than one book at a time. Currently, I am reading two books on fertility, one Wayne Dyer book on being present in life (like that will happen any time soon), and I just finished An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, a book on a woman's experience of delivering a stillborn baby at term. I'm not nearly the fun, cool woman I once was, am I? Jeez- I don't think I would want to hang with me at a party. How depressing would that be? Don't worry- I won't be at a party near you. I can count the number of social gatherings I have been to since the baby died on one hand. Ok, actually, half a hand. 3 in six months.

Where has my life gone? 4 years ago, I was happy as a clam (what does that even mean anyway?). I was filled with hope, and knew that life was going my way. Now I am here, at this cross-roads, and I don't know how the fuck I got here. Life is so short and I wonder how I will feel down the road at all the pain and suffering I put myself through. Will it be worth it? Will I regret it? Now is not the time for these sort of questions.

I want a baby. Is that too much to ask for? I want to nurture and love and teach- I want to mother children, watching them grow into men and women. I want to pass on the legacy that was passed on to me. Is that legacy biological, necessarily? I don't even know any more.

I carry around a box of "miracle cards" that a friend gave me for the holidays. Every time I get to this point, I reach for one and pop open the surprise little saying that has the power to make me smile or cheer me up. Here's the one I opened today:

"How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and that there will never be a time when it is now now." Gerald Jampolsky (founder of the center for attitudinal healing, aka CorStone)

How fitting. I know it's just a choice, but it doesn't seem so easy right now.

New Year's Resolution-Renewed Hope

The Definition of Hope
"A confident desire: a feeling that something desirable is likely to happen; likelihood of success: to want or expect something: to have a wish for something to happen or be true, especially something that seems possible or likely." (Encarta)

It is tough to stay in that place of hope. I have been down it so many times before. I am currently waiting on the two week period between IUI and discovery- today is day 10 post insemination. I wonder- when will it be my time? Is this my time? I have almost become numb from the process.

I started spotting yesterday- I can't tell the difference between implantation bleeding that I experienced last April and the onset of my menses. All will be known soon enough. I think I may take a pregnancy test tomorrow.

I guess what's different now is that I feeling a bit run down. It's been almost 4 years since I began this journey. Someone recently said to me that it is easier to think about DE when your back is up against the wall. I know what she means. If I had agreed to DE three years ago when it first came up, I would have a two year old by now. My mother would have met my baby before she died. Ahh, would of, could of, should of. Silly me. No need to go down that road again.

This "doom and gloom" I am sharing is not what it seems. My new year's resolution is to get back on the hope bandwagon- to believe that I can have what I want, even if the picture isn't exactly what I had planned. What I truly know now is that this year I will become pregnant, no matter what it takes. I am not quite ready to move on to DE yet, but I am damn close.

Let's not forget 2008. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I had my dreams answered with the surprise pregnancy. Wow I was so happy. G*d how happy my baby daughter made me. Then the loss of Sally Ann was definitely the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. In an instant, my hopes and dreams were gone. G*d that really sucked ass.

The only thing I can hold on to is what she taught me in her short life within me- things like unconditional love, my willingness to protect my child at all costs, the utter love between myself and my husband. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that she also taught me that I can get pregnant when I had pretty much given up on that possibility. And her death uncovered a rare clotting disorder that I have. That knowledge could have actually helped to save my life.

The legacy of my Sally Ann will live on in my heart forever and my best tribute to her is to be the best mom I can be. That is how I will honor her memory.

Today is my due date

As I sit here watching the snow flurries drop, I feel like I am in someone else's life. Today is December 20th, 2008, the date that I was supposed to lay eyes on my first baby, entering my world, my baby girl's first day on planet earth.

While I know that chances are slim that babies actually are born on their due date, never in a million years did I think my baby would be born 4 months too soon. 2nd trimester premature rupture of membranes (water break) is extremely rare. They tell you you're clear after the first trimester- statistics regarding loss of any kind past the first 12 weeks is down around the 1-2% mark. I mean what are the odds that I have trouble conceiving AND a second trimester loss? My thoughts on this are now much more black and white- chance of loss is 50%- you either give birth or you end up with a dead baby.

Finding out that I am prone to blood clots and that may have been the cause of the amniotic rupture only sickens me more. Should of, would of, could of. How come no one suggested me seeing a specialist? How come the gene mutation was not tested for at the onset of the uterus blood clot and then easily treated? How in the world did I think going to Puerto Rico was a good idea after being on bed rest for 2 months? How come the doctor allowed me to go? How come I never learned Spanish? Should of, would of, could of. I can drive myself mad if I go down this road.

How did I get to this place? I will be back at the doctor's in Boston tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and blood work. today is cycle day 8. This IUI could be be the start of another life. Or can it be that my first pregnancy, my special Sally Ann, would be my only biological child? I just can't believe it- that my life would go down like that.

I have a strong desire inside to be a mother. I have always had that deep, passionate will to raise a child in this world. Now I need to re-examine what that looks like. What is motherhood? What was the need I had really? Was it to raise a little human and pass the legacy of love, compassion, strength and integrity into the world? Was it to know that my genes and DNA live on past when my body turns to dust? This story line is so much heavier that I expected. What happened to what they told us in school? If you don't use protection it is an accident that you don't get pregnant. I can't believe that bullshit. Come to find out it is actually, in the best of circumstances, a difficult task.

Oh well. I called myself resilient back in August when I started this blog. I don't feel so much today. I am actually more on the weepy side. The anticipation of today, however, was much worse. Today gives me some sort of twisted closure.

Does one ever get over the loss of a child? Of course not, but there is a closing of the circle, as there will be for each milestone that will come between now and July 26th, 2009. Christmas, Passover, Mother's Day, Father's day. The anniversary of my water breaking. Sally Ann's birth and death.

Grant me the serenity to accept this thing I cannot change.

Anticipation...

Well- it's been 11 days since my IUI. A week from today, I can go for the blood test. The waiting has been a bit brutal and I just try to think of other things. Yesterday was day 10 and I had a small amount of spotting (implantation bleeding???). I am hoping that is a good sign.

For the first time since the procedure I am actually am feeling really hopeful and happy. Wouldn't it be nice if I got pregnant nice and easy and had a smooth, flawless pregnancy? Wouldn't it be nice if, 5 years down the road, I don't even remember what my FSH levels were, or estradiol, or what ttc stands for (trying to conceive for those of you who do not know).

Today I am focusing on the hope. Why not now? Why not me?

The waiting game

Ok- so we did the deed yesterday- I stayed lying down pretty much all day and night, other than my acupuncture appointment. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...get pregnant. May this be a nice and easy process.

Now for the dark side- I have been crying all day. I am filled with fear and grief. How much can one person take? I think I have had my share now. I just need to remind myself that sometimes it takes a few months to get pregnant. What if I just think about something completely different?

What can I think about? I don't know. I can really drive myself crazy over this. Ok- any ideas? What is the soonest I can take a pregnancy test? I am scheduled to take a blood test on 11/23- a Sunday. I will find a lab open for this, but I bet I won't get my results back until Monday.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Each day brings me closer to my baby.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you tomorrow...

I go for my day 3 scan tomorrow. I am nervous and excited all at once. I think it might be, in part, the emotional time of the month, but I have been very weepy today. I have all these hopes and dreams. I am sad that this journey has been so tumultuous. I am sad at how the last pregnancy went. I am frustrated that the process this time has been so difficult. I think I need to speak my mind tomorrow- it doesn't have to be that hard- it shouldn't be.

I want to give myself the space to relax and not build up everything on this first month. Even fertile women don't always get pregnant in one month. I need to keep perspective. On the other hand, my hormone levels were good, my uterus is in good shape. Why not me? Why not now?

For now though, I am just going to open myself up to the possibility that my dream can come true for me this time.

A Wide Open Heart

Steel was forged by fire.

That was a saying my friend Karen mentioned to me yesterday. She reminded me that my heart was ripped open by what happened. In talking about how obstacles make one stronger, she asked me to think about what Sally Ann and this experience have taught me. Ok- people are always talking about what we learn from a terrible experience. It almost seems like a silly exercise. Let me try on that theory and really think about it.

What I learned:
**How very strong I am
**I am an amazingly great mother and would go to any length to save my baby- nothing off limits for my child
**I can love more deeply than I ever knew I was even capable of
**What a great, strong man my husband is and how intensly he loves me
**I am not alone- there are loved ones and strangers that have reached out to share in my pain and to give me hope. I have felt the true generosity of others
**I am a money magnet, convincing my HMO to spend 50K to fly me home to the states-if I can do that, I can do anything, or at least may have a successful future in sales
**I could get pregnant easily- even without IVF- and if I can do it once, I will do it again

These are all great gifts that I am grateful for having learned. Could I have done without these lessons? Certainly. No doubt about it- lessons I didn't need to learn. I would much rather have a baby and be ignorant regarding any of the above.

A Penny For Your Thoughts

They say I wear my heart on my sleeve. I also wear my daughter around my neck. Call me morbid. It is somehow very comforting that I can keep her ashes safe. I feel closer to her. Damn it- that's all I got. Chris at the funeral home gave me the locket for free when he did the cremation. The whole thing was free actually. The locket is silver and gold and in the shape of a heart. On the back, it is engraved with Sally Ann's name and birthdate. I am always pleasantly surprised by the generosity of others. The world is a good place- at least more good than bad.

A week ago, I reached down to find the locket missing from my neck- it turns out it is a screw top and I guess I was fiddling with it so much, I screwed the darn thing off. I went into a tailspin. How could I have lost my daughter TWICE? I finally found her in my closet. The locket was on its side, some of the ashes had fallen out and lay next to the locket. Boy did I feel like a terrible mom as I tried to place the ashes back in with my fingers. Sally is back on my neck now and I won't do that again!

Thoughts keep coming up, swirling around in my mind. I still have tons of doctors calls, appointments, medical records sent here and there. It feels like insult to injury- I can't just move forward. I keep having to re-hash, follow up, discuss next steps. I thought my next steps would be a crib and a car seat.

I hope my next pregnancy is smooth and easy. Breathe in, breathe out. Some questions have no answers. Just keep on keeping on...

Cycles of Life

I got my period today. At first I was scared. I never fully stopped bleeding since the day I gave birth. The last couple weeks were mere spotting though. I figured I wouldn't get it for a while, but when I called the doctor frantically, she said that it usually comes 4-6 weeks after delivery. It's been 4 weeks, 1 day, 2 hours, but who's counting.

I suddenly feel hopeful. I was told that I should have two periods before I begin trying again. This is number 1. If all goes my way (which I cannot say it has been lately), I have 28 days to go. I will hope that my mom and Sally Ann are pulling for me on the other side- maybe they have some influence that can help me get knocked up again- and quick!

It is funny- thoughts like this make me question life and the universe. A woman who had gone through a similar experience wrote "together, let's figure out a way to have this bring purpose and meaning to your life." It was the same words told to her when she was in my shoes.

This bringing purpose and meaning to my life?

How can I? At this point When I think about what happened, all I feel is despair- where is the meaning? I am definitely not there yet, but at least I didn't find those words offensive. I think I am on the right road...

Hangover Saturday

Didn't quite feel like myself this morning. Must be the result of the grey goose Friday. My baby dog Lola nudged me a little too early than I wanted to move. Ugh! I found myself off balance and sore as I moved around the house. Nothing a day at the spa couldn't fix.

I had made wax and massage appointments months ago and it couldn't have come at a better time. No fun that my pregnancy massage was changed to a "normal" one, but my massage therapist is top notch and the good part is that I can go for 80 minutes now.

I somehow was able to find the humor in my ignorant waxer's attempt to make me feel better after the "what's new" question was answered in an unexpected fashion. I should have said "nothing" but I was concerned that she might remember that I had been pregnant and ask about it. Now I realize she probably wouldn't have.

Let me see, what was my favorite comment that she made? It was like a parade of all the stupid, insensitive one-liners wrapped up into a one hour session- and I couldn't go anywhere, I was naked from the waist down and only half waxed at the time. For those of you who don't know, please study this and do not use any of these lines in an effort to make me feel better:

--"Well at least you were not farther along or it would have been harder- you could have been more attached." Loss at any time is great. How could I have been any more attached than I was? Sally Ann and the future I dreamed of, snatched in a moment for unexplained reasons. The only response that came to mind was from an old Saturday Night Live Dan Akroyd line, "Jane, you ignorant slut!"

--"You could always have another one." Like that will make it better. Just have another one and you will forget the loss of your child. I worked 3 years for this one.

--"After my baby was born, I had to have a D&C and that hurt too." You have got to be kidding me. How do I even respond to that one? This woman was a teenage, unwed mother who is now in her 20's. She doesn't have a clue and I think silence is in order rather than screaming at her with all my pent up rage. She is only 3/4 of the way through the wax, so I better just keep quiet.

--"Do you want a girl?" Right now I want a live one- that would be good.

--"I don't know if you have read any fertility stuff but" -Let's see: this was only my life's dream since I can remember and I have been trying to conceive since 2005. I think I may have read a thing or two, and met with 3-4 specialists, but why don't you share with me your infinite wisdom.

--"If you have sex 4 days before ovulation, you're more likely to have a girl." I wish these types of issues were my biggst concern.

To add to the mortification I was feeling, I started to bleed in the middle of it. Nice. I keep wondering when the spotting will finally stop- it keeps stopping and then starting again. The waxer was actually tactful about that. She suggested I excuse myself to the bathroom to address it, and I contemplated making a run for it. When I got to the bathroom I realized I had to go back- there was still wax on me and I would have looked a little lopsided. Drats! Back to the stupid whore!

The massage therapist made it all melt away. I could have stayed there forever. I feel great now and the morning is no longer affecting me.

4 weeks to the day that my baby died and I here I am. I read a line in a magazine while at the spa. It seemed particularly poignant. Bad things will happen- that is inevitable. But so will good things. And I get to choose what I will focus on. Today, I'll work on focusing on the good. Wish me luck!

The Wise Ones

When my mother was dying last year, she spoke with a Wise One. She couldn't figure out why this was happening to her. She had stopped smoking over 20 years before and now was lying in a bed with end-stage lung cancer. By most accounts, she was a miracle. She had lived almost 4 years when 50% die in the first year. Only 15%make it 5 years and she wouldn't be one of them.

"There are some questions that have no answers" the Wise One said to her. While it doesn't solve the question, there is something comforting in that statement. She held on to that, as did I, until the day she died.

I found it surreal when I was in the hospital and the resident hospital Wise One came through on his rounds. Actually, I had requested his visit. I talked through my story and my options. He unequivocally said that I had no choice but to induce labor, to choose life and health for myself. He said that the choice had already been made by what had occurred. I broke down crying, not understanding how or why this could have happened. Almost a year to the day my mom died, he uttered those same words.

There are questions that have no answers.

I was reading about a fellow blogger's experience today. She has been such a comfort with her compassionate words and thoughts to me over the last several days. She spoke about what become the milestones of your life- those experiences that forever change you.

Before and after.

I will never be who I was before my baby died. I can't go back to that woman. Since the book of my life is only partially written, I cannot say for sure whether that will be a good or bad thing over time. At the moment it seems like the worst thing possible. Time, however, has a way of changing perspectives on experiences.

This is an unwanted journey and I need to hold on to the faith that I am one step closer to living the life of my dreams.