Anxiety Sets In as the Date Draws Near

I am so excited as the date gets closer. My c-section is less than 2 weeks away. But the fear is setting in.

Will I get my life's dream? Will it be taken away from me in a nano second like before? Yesterday we had a scare that brought us into the doctor. I thought I didn't feel the baby move and we rushed in. The baby really wasn't moving much. After about 30 minutes on the non stress machine and a cup of very cold water, she was moving up a storm. Her heart rate was good and I was getting some contractions.

Now I don't know if I convinced myself that something was wrong. Doc says it happens to everyone, not just the dead baby mamas. It made me feel better. Still, I hope these two weeks don't kill me.

Attached are some of the most recent pics of me from a few weeks ago.

Yeah, but...

I am so excited now about what may actually come to pass in the next few weeks...my hormones are pulsing through my body. One moment I am happy as a clam, the next I am frantic and scared that something may go wrong...the following moment, I am hysterical over the loss of Sally Ann.

There is so much emotion brewing. I am a well spring of feelings right now. It is a most confusing time.

The happier I get about the little girl within me, the sadder I feel about baby number 1.

"Is this your first?" Will people quit asking me that freakin question?

I am feeling confused. I should be so happy...and I am. But I have so many more, unwanted emotions that accompany me on this journey. I suppose this is my life and I might as well get used to it.

Does anyone have words of wisdom?

32 weeks, 4 pounds, 14 ounces

Baby is doing well so far- growing well, moving lots. I'm holding my breath yet feeling more secure about her. I can't wait to hold her. I mean- let's not have a premie, but I am counting the days until we meet.

I go for another 3D u/s this weekend- can't wait to see her pretty face again. I am also going to my very own baby shower. I was hesitant to even tolerate one before the birth, but I'll take the risk this time and spend an afternoon celebrating what almost surely will be- with friends who love me and will be there for me either way.

Funny- I used to hate baby showers. I would put on my fake smile and pretend that it didn't hurt that I was still childless in the presence of pregnant women and women with children. It was a torment that I put myself through because I really wanted to be there for those whom I loved. But it hurt. It was a sad and lonely feeling.

I wonder if I will feel weird this weekend...I am not sure that one can ever leave behind the infertile or the dead baby mama persona. Maybe all that will make me more grateful and appreciative of what lies ahead. Time will tell. Wish me luck...

60 days and counting

It has been decided that I will undergo a scheduled c-section on April 28th. That means, barring any unforeseen tragedy or early delivery, I will meet my sweetie cakes 60 days from today. I am so excited now. I can't even believe it. Still I preface "unforeseen tragedy." I don't think that can ever change. It is just the nature of who I am today- the new woman I became after my baby has died and my heart was ripped out from within me.

But for my baby number 2, I owe it to her to find a warm and welcoming stance. She cannot be my second choice. She is just as important to me as baby number 1. And, after all, she is all I have now.

The New Normal

It is funny how this term continues to change its meaning in my life. For a long time, it meant life after my mom's death coupled with life after the death of my first baby girl. I could not go back to who I was before. No, I became am a new woman after the deaths of the two most important females in my life to date. I was no longer filled with hope and optimism. I felt scared and scarred. I felt like I was drowning, mostly.

Increasingly, though, my new normal has been a normal pregnancy- at least normal for me. I wouldn't even begin to compare mine with the happy go lucky 20-something oops sort of experience. No, my pregnancy arrived here, kicking and screaming, with much ongoing poking and prodding, and took a village to create. But here I am now, alone in my bed, 7 months pregnant with the little one moving and shaking to the lullabies I am playing on the laptop. To see me, no one would be the wiser regarding the journey I have taken. I mean there is no mistaking the fact that I am pregnant. And I am doing all the pregnant woman sort of things- eating lots of food, waddling about here and there, looking at baby sites, nesting, reading Dr. Sears....the new normal is that I feel like a pregnant woman and nothing more. I haven't been obsessing with the journey and all its painful the twists and turns.

The only indicator that there is something different is when the dreaded question gets asked, "is this your first?" I want to say, "is that any of your business?" I called the OB yesterday and the answering service asked me that question. It kind of brought me back to reality. Ah well, it wasn't the end of the world and I have gotten a bit of practice of late.

I wonder if motherhood will be a new normal or just normal.

For those who have asked...a pic taken today...28 weeks, 5 days.

Something has clicked in me

I'm feeling like a mother. I have been obsessed with anything baby. It's almost an illness. My baby girl already has a full red sox, patriots and bruins wardrobe. Don't get me wrong. My superstitions and fears are always with me- even through the hours I spend combing online baby stores and picking through my registry.

I was at a discount store today and my husband came up with a pair of pink little toddler winter boots. They were on sale. It was the sweetest thing I've seen. He is genuinely, completely thrilled. My dad purchased an antique child's barber chair for "his granddaughter." He is over the top too.

"Is this your first?" is the question of the hour. Everywhere I go, people feel the need to ask. How do I answer this? Usually I say no. I say my first died in childbirth. I don't say it to get a rise or make them feel uncomfortable. I say it because Sally Ann will always hold the place in my heart as my first baby girl. It just doesn't seem right to negate that.

I think I will always feel a bit of sadness from what has been. I can't believe I can say it has gotten easier. Easier in the sense that I can function and think about it at the same time. Easier in that my flood of tears has slowed to usually only a few tears at a time. I don't know if I truly believe in life beyond death but I pray each day that I will be with my baby in death.

For now, I'll shop for the living. For me and my next baby girl.

Meet the Baby

Here is my beautiful daughter, age 22 weeks. I can hardly believe how great she looks with the 3D ultrasound. Amazing! It was very much a bonding experience for my husband and me. We felt somehow closer to her by being able to watch her move and shake within me. For those who can and have access, I highly recommend the experience.

For the next 24 hours, I pretty much did nothing else but gaze at her pretty pictures, all 150 of them on a CD that I got to take with me.

It feels real now. I was planning on not telling people I was pregnant until I was past the 24 week milestone. However, I decided to relax into this pregnancy and have some faith that things may work out well this time. To this end, I shared my status on face book this morning. That is a very big step for me. I got showered with congratulations and well wishes.

My only hope is that the rest of the pregnancy goes by faster than the first half. I love the feeling of being pregnant right now, but the fear still creeps back in daily and I'd be ever so happy to reach the full term day of my pregnancy and have a happy, easy and healthy delivery.

It's a girl!

Long time no post. I just have felt so overwhelmed with life that I haven't taken the time to do much of anything other than the required and then rest for mama and baby.

I'm almost 20 weeks now. It's hard to believe it. At 17 weeks I got a sinus infection and I was coughing so hard that I began spotting. An immediate trip to the urgent care alleviated the melt down feelings. Nothing since. Just kicking baby and clearing up stuffed nose and throat.

I hope all is easy through 24 weeks and beyond. I hope the pregnancy stays smooth and easy.

Smooth and easy is not something I have a lot of experience with but it is something I definitely need. Next u/s is in a week. They will do biweekly u/s until the end of the pregnancy to make sure everything is going ok.

For those of my blog girlfriends, please know that I am reading to keep up, and that sometimes I can't write from sheer exhaustion. I do want to say that I hope this holiday season is good for you and that you remember to be gentle with yourself.

Ultrasound was a hit

12 weeks and counting. On Monday, I had my OB appointment. I hadn't seen this particular doctor since I was in the hospital with Sally Ann. "I have thought a lot about you over the last year. How are you?"

I burst out into tears. I am happy. Very happy. Even ecstatic. But all this excitement won't bring back my precious baby girl. Every fucking time I come to the office, I end up crying. It sucks.

We listened to the fetal heart beat and hugged. Things are going very well so far- completely normal, so she says. The new normal, I think. We decide that due to my high state of panic, I should come in more often, every two weeks, until at least until 19 weeks (that's when I delivered my daughter). I suggest we do this until about 24 weeks. Doc totally understands.

This morning we went for our first trimester screening which includes a highly sensitive ultrasound. Our little one is a mover and shaker, I'll tell you what! I couldn't believe how much exercise the little one was getting. It was amazing. I almost can't believe that I have this live being inside me, growing. I am so thankful to be in this moment. I hope I can stay in this moment until my next appointment.

Next week, I get to stop all my meds except the lovenox. I'm actually relieved that this part is over, but I'm panicked about stopping. Everyone says it's fine to stop. I need to trust that they know what they're talking about. We'll see. Maybe I'll ween myself off slowly.

The question of the day is this: to fetal dopple or not to fetal dopple? Should I rent a fetal heart monitor for the next few months or will that just make me more neurotic? What are your thoughts?