I spend many a night thinking about my journey and where I am today. The fact that I have my most cherished dream come true doesn't completely take away the tragedy and desperation I experienced along the way. However, at least there was a happy ending to an unhappy story. That doesn't always happen.



Do I have any regrets? Some, but it isn't worth discussing today. I am just so grateful I have the life I do with my most precious, sweet baby.

I miss Sally Ann tremendously and I wonder what life would have been like had she survived. I wouldn't have my little T if she had lived and that leaves me with an awkward feeling. I don't believe that things are meant to be but I do believe that my little baby belongs to me and I to her and the universe let us meet and fall in love.

And so the end of the story is also only the beginning and I look forward to what comes next. I hope to update you loyal readers from time to time to let you know what's happening. The question of the decade will be, do we have another? It seems so silly to even say it after the trauma involved in having miss T. However,we do have another embryo there, waiting for us, on ice. It perhaps couldn't hurt to just give it the old college try...

For now, though, please let this blog be a testament of faith, courage and resilience. Let this stand as a story about infertility, hope, baby loss, and continued desire for a baby. I never gave up and, for that, I got a my baby, my hope, my dreams and much more. I discovered what is truly important in being a mother. It's not about a mini me. It's about unconditional love and acceptance, complete surrender, and legacy. Oh- and I learned a lot about patience and impatience...

Most of all, this story is about Sally Ann. My sweet baby who didn't survive. I will love you always. Perhaps we will meet again. I hope so.

For now, let me say take care and good luck on each of your journeys. I will be wearing my lucky socks for you...they worked for me. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May 2011 bring all that you hope for. xoxo

A Needed Update

I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. I'm surprised I have enough time to brush my teeth, frankly. I just wanted you all to know I am not completely gone, just trying to find my way in this amazing new journey for me.

The years of infertility and losing Sally Ann has given me a heightened appreciation for my little sweetie. I am completely present and engaged in the good, bad and ugly. No one can prepare you for the overwhelment of the first couple of months. I'm already sad of the growth I've been witness to. In a future post I want to write about how life is a series of weanings. This little being was once a speck within me- part of me. Then she became a separate being. As she gets bigger and older, she will pull away. Right now, I'll just enjoy all I can give to my daughter and try to be in the moment. It's hard to do but I need to do it or I will drive myself crazy.

Was the journey worth it? Taking a look at the pictures, you know the answer. While it doesn't take away the hurt from my loss, it does distract me.

Introducing Tinker Bell

My little tinker bell was born on Wednesday, April 28, at 12:21 pm EST. She weighed in at 7 pounds 5 ounces and measured just over 20 inches long. Needless to say, I have feelings of sheer positive overwhelmement, coupled with exhaustion from the last couple of nights.

T, as I will nickname her here, is my dream come true. While she is at the beginning of her very existence, she is the result of years of yearning and cross roads, wearing lucky socks, heart break and plan B's.

This day does not negate the journey's twists and turns and will never bring back Sally Ann in any way. However, I sigh a truly sincere sigh in knowing that my life is once again forever changed- in a good way.

I am sure I will find more words to share about my feelings being here. For now, I need to tend to baby.

Thank you all who have come here and supported me over the years. Sometimes it takes a village to make a child.

Plugging away

Almost 17 weeks. I can't believe it. Not that the time has gone fast. On the contrary, it is going in slow motion slow. 16 weeks 1 day. 16 weeks 2 days...you get the idea.

We had another u/s this week. All looks great. Baby wasn't cooperating so no goes it on what the gender is. I have my hopes, but a live healthy baby is the most important thing to me.

Last year, my water broke at 17 weeks and I delivered Sally Ann prematurely 2 weeks later. This time for me is very tense. I know that this pregnancy has nothing to do with the last one, but the heart doesn't understand that. So many circumstances remind me of last time. So many questions that will never be answered- the most important one being - did it have to end that way or was there something I could have done?

Why even ask, I wonder. For now, I am fast forwarded back to the here and now. I am just another pregnant woman in the prenatal yoga class. Just another lady with a baby registry at Babies R Us. I wish I could be just another ignorantly blissful woman with child. I supposed I have to settle for who I am. It is certainly better than the alternative. And please believe me when I share how grateful I truly am to be here with baby number 2.