Fellow Blogger- Please Visit

A fellow blogger is celebrating her one-year anniversary of blogging. Yippie for Ashley. What a milestone. Not always the milestone we hope for. But we get to support each other and keep the hope and prayers coming, even if we don't have the strength to do it ourselves. Anyway, go take a look. I am sure she would be thankful for a visit.

Some Knit, Others Scrapbook...

What seems to most women like such a natural part of life has become the challenge of my life. I am consumed with it. "Don't you have a hobby you can do?" a friend asked me earlier, trying to coach me to get my mind off this ever-present task. Working on getting and staying pregnant is my hobby. And it takes so much time out of my day, I really don't have time for anything else.

I like to read, and often read more than one book at a time. Currently, I am reading two books on fertility, one Wayne Dyer book on being present in life (like that will happen any time soon), and I just finished An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, a book on a woman's experience of delivering a stillborn baby at term. I'm not nearly the fun, cool woman I once was, am I? Jeez- I don't think I would want to hang with me at a party. How depressing would that be? Don't worry- I won't be at a party near you. I can count the number of social gatherings I have been to since the baby died on one hand. Ok, actually, half a hand. 3 in six months.

Where has my life gone? 4 years ago, I was happy as a clam (what does that even mean anyway?). I was filled with hope, and knew that life was going my way. Now I am here, at this cross-roads, and I don't know how the fuck I got here. Life is so short and I wonder how I will feel down the road at all the pain and suffering I put myself through. Will it be worth it? Will I regret it? Now is not the time for these sort of questions.

I want a baby. Is that too much to ask for? I want to nurture and love and teach- I want to mother children, watching them grow into men and women. I want to pass on the legacy that was passed on to me. Is that legacy biological, necessarily? I don't even know any more.

I carry around a box of "miracle cards" that a friend gave me for the holidays. Every time I get to this point, I reach for one and pop open the surprise little saying that has the power to make me smile or cheer me up. Here's the one I opened today:

"How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and that there will never be a time when it is now now." Gerald Jampolsky (founder of the center for attitudinal healing, aka CorStone)

How fitting. I know it's just a choice, but it doesn't seem so easy right now.

Reflections from the other side of fertility

There is a certain deference I feel to fertile women. It's subtle, but definitely present. It reminds me of the class system in India. Fertiles flock together, infertiles stay with their own kind.

I passed a pregnant woman the other day. Almost unconsciously my gaze looked down as we passed, as though I somehow shouldn't be looking directly at her. It was almost a feeling of shame- that is, until I caught myself doing it and overanalyzed the incident.

Last week was a very happy week for me. Today- not so much. I was inseminated on Thursday, January 15th. On 8 dpo, I had a slight amount of spotting. I really felt pregnant. I was convinced that this was my cycle. My husband, normally a skeptic, jumped on the hope bandwagon and we were riding that wave of exhileration. That is, until Day 11. I awoke to a bloodly mess. Yes, aunt flo had shown up with a whole party of clots. I'll spare the details. The bottom line- I'm not having a baby just yet.

When I went into the doctor this morning, a bit hungover, Dr. T noticed a cyst in my ovary, leftover from a follicle from last cycle. My unterine lining was quite thick as well. Given my spotting on day 8 and then the short luteal phase, his opinion was that I may actually have gotten pregnant, and then miscarried. He ordered some bloods and cancelled this cycle. Better to wait and let my body come back into balance.

Cathing Up

Well, it has been a bit since I have written. I just haven't felt like it. I have been working long hours and I chose to read other blogs rather than to sit down and write in my own.

My visit to the fertility center in PA was great. The baseline ultrasound looked good so I began another IUI cycle. The pharmacy overnighted the meds I needed and I was off.

When I returned to Boston for my day 7 ultrasound, I was happy to find that my RE was the doctor of the week. This was actually the first time she was doing the ultrasound for me. Anyway, it looked as though I was responding well to the medication. "Looks very good" she said.

Responding well?

Poor response has been my middle name since I started this journey years ago. Poor response was why I would no longer be a candidate for IVF. Poor response- sounds so insulting, like I have done something wrong.

I was responding well to the meds- it looked like 2 follicles were nearing maturity, with several more just a hair behind, and even a few more labeled "small." When I came back two days later, three were ready to go with others still very close to maturity. This one could really work! Even the one that got me pregnant last year only produced 2, so I am feeling quite good. More mature follicles means more chances for success.

Today is 4 days post IUI. I can't tell if I am getting false symptoms due to my newly found optimism, but my girls were quite sore when I got up this am. My hubby, kind that he is, doesn't want me to get my hopes up and be hurt again.

So I will just play the waiting game while hoping for the best and remembering to breathe.

It's Raining Blood

Well, I'm not pregnant. Not only that. I was bleeding so bad, I bled through my pants at work- think sieve. As you may be thinking- the implantation bleeding
was not. Or maybe it was, and it was another miscarriage. I'll know soon enough.

I am in Philly on business and needed to arrange to go to a different hospital for day 3 work up. My meds are being overnighted to me here. "Don't you want to just take off a month?" says the nurse from my hospital in Boston. "About as much as I want to cut off my arm and have you eat it."

My saving grace was definitely the coordinator at U Penn who helped me get this thing going. I called them in a panic- should I take a 1K plane to Boston? Should I fly into RI and drive the hour? What do I do????????????? Can you help me???????

"Take a deep breath," she said. "Take a calm, deep breath. We can help you here. We can even give you a patient discount if your health insurance won't cover it here."

I love her. She made me feel so much better. It's people like her- and like all of you- that help keep me sane. She even followed up to check in on me later. I think when this is all over with, I want to be someone who works in the office who can help others like me, who become lunatics with grief and stress and frustration. I want to be the one who says, "I am here for you, whatever you need."

New Year's Resolution-Renewed Hope

The Definition of Hope
"A confident desire: a feeling that something desirable is likely to happen; likelihood of success: to want or expect something: to have a wish for something to happen or be true, especially something that seems possible or likely." (Encarta)

It is tough to stay in that place of hope. I have been down it so many times before. I am currently waiting on the two week period between IUI and discovery- today is day 10 post insemination. I wonder- when will it be my time? Is this my time? I have almost become numb from the process.

I started spotting yesterday- I can't tell the difference between implantation bleeding that I experienced last April and the onset of my menses. All will be known soon enough. I think I may take a pregnancy test tomorrow.

I guess what's different now is that I feeling a bit run down. It's been almost 4 years since I began this journey. Someone recently said to me that it is easier to think about DE when your back is up against the wall. I know what she means. If I had agreed to DE three years ago when it first came up, I would have a two year old by now. My mother would have met my baby before she died. Ahh, would of, could of, should of. Silly me. No need to go down that road again.

This "doom and gloom" I am sharing is not what it seems. My new year's resolution is to get back on the hope bandwagon- to believe that I can have what I want, even if the picture isn't exactly what I had planned. What I truly know now is that this year I will become pregnant, no matter what it takes. I am not quite ready to move on to DE yet, but I am damn close.

Let's not forget 2008. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I had my dreams answered with the surprise pregnancy. Wow I was so happy. G*d how happy my baby daughter made me. Then the loss of Sally Ann was definitely the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. In an instant, my hopes and dreams were gone. G*d that really sucked ass.

The only thing I can hold on to is what she taught me in her short life within me- things like unconditional love, my willingness to protect my child at all costs, the utter love between myself and my husband. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that she also taught me that I can get pregnant when I had pretty much given up on that possibility. And her death uncovered a rare clotting disorder that I have. That knowledge could have actually helped to save my life.

The legacy of my Sally Ann will live on in my heart forever and my best tribute to her is to be the best mom I can be. That is how I will honor her memory.

Christmas and Beyond

Well the day came and went fairly uneventfully. Rather than spending it with our families, we decided to spend the time, just the two of us, quietly at home. No tree. No presents. I barely even opened all the holiday cards yet.

At the last minute (the night before), our neighbors invited us over for their special luncheon. They had way too much food and needed help. We obliged. it was actually really nice being with people who are pretty much removed from the whole situation. I actually enjoyed myself and we got to leave when we were ready to go.

I suspect that the anti-depressants have begun to kick in by now. I am feeling fairly ambivalent rather than feeling like I am on the hope and despair roller coaster. I guess that's good.

I have been thinking a lot about Sally Ann lately though. Not so much thinking about her, but remembering back to holding her. I remember how small and fragile she was, her tiny body bruised by the mere act of a natural child birth. I never took any pictures. I really regret that. I spent some time complaining about that with my husband the other day. How come the nurse never suggested I take pictures? After I finished bitching, my husband informed me that they did offer and that I declined. I have no recall of this. Maybe I was in shock or maybe repulsed by the idea of memorializing such a traumatic experience. In any case, that ship has left the port.

My IUI was uneventful. I have been resting ever since and plan to continue that protocol for the next couple of days. I am a very superstitious person and so, of course, I am looking for signs all over the place (see Tertia's blog "so close" to understand fully what I am talking about). The curse of "what's meant to be." Is it fate I lost Sally Ann (how ridiculous is that?)? If I heard my favorite sound on another woman's blog and she used donated eggs, maybe it is a sign that I should choose that path. I wonder, I wonder. What is my next step on this road? I hope that, as I come around the bend, I'll find out my pain and wait is over.

Maybe I should have a blood mary and take a nap instead.

IUI tomorrow am

Wish me luck- I'll be doing the lucky socks, praying, thinking positive, deep breathing, laying down, etc routine. You know the drill. Please play along.

Today is my due date

As I sit here watching the snow flurries drop, I feel like I am in someone else's life. Today is December 20th, 2008, the date that I was supposed to lay eyes on my first baby, entering my world, my baby girl's first day on planet earth.

While I know that chances are slim that babies actually are born on their due date, never in a million years did I think my baby would be born 4 months too soon. 2nd trimester premature rupture of membranes (water break) is extremely rare. They tell you you're clear after the first trimester- statistics regarding loss of any kind past the first 12 weeks is down around the 1-2% mark. I mean what are the odds that I have trouble conceiving AND a second trimester loss? My thoughts on this are now much more black and white- chance of loss is 50%- you either give birth or you end up with a dead baby.

Finding out that I am prone to blood clots and that may have been the cause of the amniotic rupture only sickens me more. Should of, would of, could of. How come no one suggested me seeing a specialist? How come the gene mutation was not tested for at the onset of the uterus blood clot and then easily treated? How in the world did I think going to Puerto Rico was a good idea after being on bed rest for 2 months? How come the doctor allowed me to go? How come I never learned Spanish? Should of, would of, could of. I can drive myself mad if I go down this road.

How did I get to this place? I will be back at the doctor's in Boston tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and blood work. today is cycle day 8. This IUI could be be the start of another life. Or can it be that my first pregnancy, my special Sally Ann, would be my only biological child? I just can't believe it- that my life would go down like that.

I have a strong desire inside to be a mother. I have always had that deep, passionate will to raise a child in this world. Now I need to re-examine what that looks like. What is motherhood? What was the need I had really? Was it to raise a little human and pass the legacy of love, compassion, strength and integrity into the world? Was it to know that my genes and DNA live on past when my body turns to dust? This story line is so much heavier that I expected. What happened to what they told us in school? If you don't use protection it is an accident that you don't get pregnant. I can't believe that bullshit. Come to find out it is actually, in the best of circumstances, a difficult task.

Oh well. I called myself resilient back in August when I started this blog. I don't feel so much today. I am actually more on the weepy side. The anticipation of today, however, was much worse. Today gives me some sort of twisted closure.

Does one ever get over the loss of a child? Of course not, but there is a closing of the circle, as there will be for each milestone that will come between now and July 26th, 2009. Christmas, Passover, Mother's Day, Father's day. The anniversary of my water breaking. Sally Ann's birth and death.

Grant me the serenity to accept this thing I cannot change.

Full Disclosure to The Blogger Babes

Well, I am not pregnant yet. Shit!

It is day 2, and I am back at the doctor tomorrow morning at 7 am for day 3 scans. I have been busy and tired and depressed and so have taken some time away from the blogging journal. Maybe I will feel more like writing in a day or two. In the meantime, thank you for your emails. My mind is swirling. I have a lot to consider.

I have been on quite a journey. But I can't give up. I won't give up ever. If I don't do the 4 more cycles my doctor suggests, I will always wonder or regret. I'll take this all one day at a time, one cycle at a time. And this will give me the time I need to resesarch other options.

For all those well wishers- what would you do?

Thanks for all your kind words- it really means a lot to me. This doctor I see today was my second opinion and the second one that said not an IVF candidate. Should I go for a third?

What I really need to hear about are your thoughts on egg donation. Do you know of anyone who has done this? Did they use a known or anonymous donor? How did it turn out for them?

This is not a discussion I was expecting to have out here in cyberland. Any comments you can give will be helpful.

Thanks in advance...

What would life be like without a plan B?

I went to my doctor yesterday to check in and talk about my progress over the past couple of months. I may be pregnant and will know in about a week and a half, but it is always good to talk about plan B. What will happen if I am not?

"There is NO plan B."

"Excuse me?"

Given my response to the FSH IUI's, even in the one that got me pregnant last March, I am not a candidate for in vitro. Each time, I started out strong but at the time of ovulation, I have one or two mature follicles. Given that not all follicles survive the retrieval and petri dish process, she wouldn't want to take any chances with the one to two good ones I had each cycle. Therefore, IUI is all I can do a this point.

I was kind of at a loss for words- flabbergasted. I didn't expect that response and the only thing that came to mind was "oh shit." The expected tears came shortly thereafter.

Dr I.S. recommends that I go through 6 IUI cycles total, if I can emotionally handle it, and then we can decide if it is time to find another approach, depending on my responses to those cycles.

I have been pretty depressed in the last 24 hours. Not really what I wanted to hear. And while I recognize that I may very well be prego now, I need to re-evaluate what I really, truly want in my life. G-d what a fucking mind trip roller coaster ride. Happy Holidays!

Which brings me to the question of the day:

Would a child by an egg donor be any less special to me?

I was caressing my dog Lola yesterday morning and her eyes were gazing up to mine. My heart cracks wide open for my loving, little mutt. If I feel this much love for a dog, imagine how much I would feel for a baby I carried in my belly for 9 months, breast fed and raised?

So I guess what I am asking your opinion on is, should I wait the 6 months and then decide on this or should I just say fuck it and do it now? The doctor all but guarantees me a baby with this method. My uterus is beautiful and she isn't concerned at all with my carrying the baby to term.

I really want to mother a child. Of course I want a genetic mix of hubby and myself. It is just that life is so short and I have spent quite a bit of it being sad. I just don't know how much more I should risk.

I welcome your candid thoughts on this controversial subject.

Smooth morning

The IUI went smoothly. The nurse doing the procedure is my favorite- we've been together since the beginning. Hopefully she and my lucky socks will make this a done deal.

I am going to relax for the rest of the day, and tomorrow too. And maybe try baby making the old fashion way to add to the 42 million strong swimmers (of the 137 million little guys in there) that are already on their way.

All I can say is think positive thoughts, pray if that's your thing, send forth intentions, solicit help from dead relatives, get your mind off the negative, use rituals, do visualizations, laugh, have fun, cast a spell, relax, meditate, carry around fertility rocks, dream, don't worry about it. That will be my job over the next 16 days and I'd appreciate any help from all of you out there in the universe that connects to the post. Choose your "thing" from the above. All it can do is help, and certainly couldn't hurt. Right?

Am I superstitious? You bet! Whatever it takes to get me to my dream. I am not giving up. No way, no how.

38 hours until the waiting game

I got the call- I will be taking the ovidrel tonight and going in for the IUI on Sunday morning. I am nervous and almost want to just put it out of my head. What can I do so I don't think about it?

So far I took a 3+ hour nap. That helped. My husband got a bunch of movies for us to watch. What I need is a massive chill pill to get my thoughts off of this and onto something completely distracting.

I can only imagine how my next two weeks will be. But I have gone through this before. I know what it feels like in both possible outcome scenarios. I'll be ok however it ends up. At least I hope I will be.

Silly me

I went for my scan and blood work this morning. It was a scary night leading up to it, though. I have actually been up since 2 am for a really silly thing I realized I did. For those familiar with gonal pen meds, the doctor put me on a high dose of 450 IU each evening. For those unfamiliar, the pen in is prefilled with medication that one uses each night until the pen is empty. When the pen runs out, you have to prick yourself again with a fresh new pen to get the remaining amount of dosage needed. Example, 300 IU left in a pen. Once I use it, I set the new pen for 150 IU- that gives me the total, appropriate dose of 450 IU. Two pricks unfortunately, but the correct dose nonetheless.

Last night I spent the night at a friend's house in Boston so I wouldn't have to do the double drive today (especially since I also had to go to Albany for a meeting tonight- the complete opposite direction- this knocks off 2 hours out of 7 for the day). I used up the first pen that I had- got 300 IU in that dose. That meant... I needed 150 IU more for the proper dose. I got the fresh pen out and ready to use, and somehow I got distracted. Instead of setting it for 150 IU, I set it and injected the full 450 IU. My reaction to the mix up? I didn't even notice I did anything wrong. I was happily clueless throughout the evening.

At about 2 am in the morning I woke up out of a sound sleep and realized- Oh shit! I took 750IU instead of 450! Needless to say, I was pretty freaked out. I was trying to decide if I would live. Was I flushed? I think I feel dizzy. Is it hot in here or is it the meds? How could I do this to me and my precious little follicles?

I had to talk myself down and say, self, what is the worst thing that could happen as a result? The worst thing would be that the cycle is canceled, but that won't happen. I could not get pregnant, but that could happen anyway. At least I would be at the doctor in the am and that there wasn't much I could do in the moment anyway. Just calm the effen down and try to relax. Relax I did. Sleep? Not really.

Come morning, I'm exhausted, but at least I can find out what I did to damage my body. Turns out, no one seemed to think it was a big deal. In fact, I think the doctor said it would have been much worse it I had took too little than too much. I shouldn't worry at all. It would have no effect. And these people call reproductive endocrinology a science? Hmmm. Boy do I feel much better, even if I over spent a few hundred dollars in meds last night.

So the update- I had about 8 developing follicles, with one definitely more dominant that the rest, however- let's see if the other buggers can catch up between now and Friday when I go back. I am tentative and still very hopeful. That is all I can do is hope, right? I guess I could spend the time worrying, but hoping is a much better feeling that worry.

On another note, my dad called me to check in today. It blew me away. Of course I missed his call, but I called him back quickly and reached him on his cell. He leaves it off most of the time. It is the first time in two years he actually called me rather than me calling him. Let me explain- He has had throat cancer and can't talk well so most of our exchanges are on email. About a year ago he had to have a tracheotomoy put in so talking is mostly a struggle for him. It is the royal cosmic irony in that my father has never been at a loss for words. Now he can speak a few minutes, at most. That is why it hurt even more when he critisize me the other day- few words to speak- and he chose negative ones to give me.

It was nice that he made that effort and it meant a lot to me. Just checking in was what he said he was doing. I know it probably means he has been rethinking the last week of verbal activities. Does he feel regret? I am not sure. At least he took the time to reach out. Even with his poor delivery on comments of late, he is still my dad and I love him.

Part 2 to the bad day

For all those that commented about my cruel step mom, I appreciated your kind words. Part 2 goes like this- I decide to call my dad on Wednesday to let him know I wasn't pregnant. About 15 seconds into the call, right after I told him the news, he ripped right into me, letting me know how fat I looked when he saw me and that every time he sees me I get fatter and fatter. When I told hm the doctor told me to just hold off on weight loss right now because he doesn't want my hormones to get out of wack, my dad tells me I am lying. I am lying? He says either I am lying or my doctor is a quack and I should find another doctor.

I can't believe how supportive and loving my family is.

I told my dad I will lose weight once the baby comes. He tells me he hardly believes that one and I should just put off getting pregnant until I lose the weight. Then he compares me to step sisters- they have stressful lives- how come they didn't gain weight?

I don't think I have ever felt as alone in this world as I do right now. I need to talk to my doctor about anti-depressants. I feel like jumping off a bridge about now-except for the fact that I want a baby so bad- if that longing and hope wasn't there, I am pretty sure I would need to be committed.

Bereaved Parents' Wish List

My new friend Michelle found this on line- I thought it was appropriate to post

Bereaved Parents' Wish List
I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't wan't to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, it is certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand~understand my loss and my grief. But, I pray daily that you will never understand.

Not yet

So- it was probably implantation bleeding...and then a miscarriage. I am on cycle day 3 today. I haven't been able to write up to now. The spotting stopped and then the floodgates opened. The doctor thought my lining was particularly thick this morning and wouldn't be surprised if that was what happened.

I started my injections tonight- my blood tests were fine. I am back at the MD on Tuesday morning for a scan. I am sad, disappointed, and yet hopeful. I have a burning desire to be a mom. I am not giving up on this dream of mine!

I would like to take this opportunity to share what a nasty woman my step mom is. On Monday night she told me I was a horrible daughter to my father. Drunk and screaming at me, she accused me of lying about being on bed rest last summer and that it was somehow my own fault that I lost my baby by going to Puerto Rico.

She says I don't make the 3 hour drive to see my dad enough. I do my best. I travel for a living, barely see my husband as it is, and drive back and forth to Boston for my treatments (2 hours each way). I drive 1 hour each way to work (in the opposite direction of Boston). I have come every month to see my dad since I moved home in September of 2007 except when I was on bed rest in May, in the hospital in July, and last month when I was on the road two out of four weekends for work. I gave up a position I loved and was successful in, my friends and a life I was content with- for the sole reason to move closer to him. My husband gave up his job so that I could be close to my dad. When I told her that I am trying, and doing my best to be there for him, she told me it wasn't good enough and that my step sister is a better daughter to him than me. She topped it off with saying I am fat. And she did the whole thing with a knife in her hand and so close to me she was stepping on my toes and practically spitting in my face with her drunken breath. Oh- and she topped it off with sharing sordid info about when she was my dad's mistress when he was still married to my mother.

Real pleasant.

Guess what you nearly 70 old woman- I don't answer to you. You are not my mother. You are nothing like my mother- you can't hold a candle to her. Why not keep off the booze and act like a fucking adult. You don't know me. You don't know me at all. I love my father more than you will ever know. I respect him and love him more than you are even capable of. And by the way- I hate the way you yell at him.

What hurts the most is that I thought we had a wonderful relationship. I really cared about her. Every so often I would tell her I loved her- never did she return the sentiment. On her deathbed, my grandmother told me not to trust her. Now I know why she said that.

There is a part 2 to this- but I am too aggravated to write about it tonight. Inquiring minds will need to wait until tomorrow- after my much needed massage appointment.

Anticipation turns to freaking out

Ok- now I am freking out. I am still spotting- not very much at all but it is still there. It was a pink couple drops on Saturday a few brownish drops today. It seems too early to be my period. I am not actually due for it until this coming Saturday so the spotting began on day 21. I was cramping on Saturday too and a bit yesterday. Today it seems to have stopped.

I can't stand how this feels. I am making myself crazy and my husband thinks I am losing my mind. I may take a pregnancy test cause I am wond up so tight I may explode.

Anticipation...

Well- it's been 11 days since my IUI. A week from today, I can go for the blood test. The waiting has been a bit brutal and I just try to think of other things. Yesterday was day 10 and I had a small amount of spotting (implantation bleeding???). I am hoping that is a good sign.

For the first time since the procedure I am actually am feeling really hopeful and happy. Wouldn't it be nice if I got pregnant nice and easy and had a smooth, flawless pregnancy? Wouldn't it be nice if, 5 years down the road, I don't even remember what my FSH levels were, or estradiol, or what ttc stands for (trying to conceive for those of you who do not know).

Today I am focusing on the hope. Why not now? Why not me?

The waiting game

Ok- so we did the deed yesterday- I stayed lying down pretty much all day and night, other than my acupuncture appointment. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...get pregnant. May this be a nice and easy process.

Now for the dark side- I have been crying all day. I am filled with fear and grief. How much can one person take? I think I have had my share now. I just need to remind myself that sometimes it takes a few months to get pregnant. What if I just think about something completely different?

What can I think about? I don't know. I can really drive myself crazy over this. Ok- any ideas? What is the soonest I can take a pregnancy test? I am scheduled to take a blood test on 11/23- a Sunday. I will find a lab open for this, but I bet I won't get my results back until Monday.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Each day brings me closer to my baby.

Praying for myself

Tomorrow I go for the IUI- 10:30 am EST. I am really not trying to think too much about it. I am just going about my days keeping busy and taking care of myself.

However, if you are so inclined, say a prayer, think positive intentions, have a moment of silence, or sing a song for me, my beautiful, fertile egg, and D's strong, fast swimming sperm. May there be the perfect melding together, and may they slide gently into my uterus and stick there nice a comfy.

Yes we can...

So far, so good

Well, I am on day 8 and feeling ok so far. I've been on injectibles for 5 days now and go back to the doctor early Tuesday morning. It looks like the IUI will be around Thursday or so. Of course, that is right in the middle of a business trip I have. It is the universe's way of reminding me that my number one priority must be my family- and here's my perfect test. I've squared away my work plan B and am getting ready to receive whatever comes next.

I was at a follicle scan yesterday morning, and in came Dr. T. I hadn't seen him since he discharged me from the reproductive department last May- he had said, "our work is done" and he told me to go find an OB near my home. As he walked into the room yesterday, I found myself holding back the tears. I can't believe this is how it turned out.

As I lay there, legs spread, watching the scan, I looked at a particularly large follicle, thinking, that might be my next baby. Hope is the appropriate emotion right now.

To everyone who reads this: please think and send fertile baby juju thoughts my way. I'll take all I can get.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you tomorrow...

I go for my day 3 scan tomorrow. I am nervous and excited all at once. I think it might be, in part, the emotional time of the month, but I have been very weepy today. I have all these hopes and dreams. I am sad that this journey has been so tumultuous. I am sad at how the last pregnancy went. I am frustrated that the process this time has been so difficult. I think I need to speak my mind tomorrow- it doesn't have to be that hard- it shouldn't be.

I want to give myself the space to relax and not build up everything on this first month. Even fertile women don't always get pregnant in one month. I need to keep perspective. On the other hand, my hormone levels were good, my uterus is in good shape. Why not me? Why not now?

For now though, I am just going to open myself up to the possibility that my dream can come true for me this time.

Lessons I am learning along the way

The screwed up lesson I am learning is that if scream and cry like a lunatic, it actually gets me somewhere. Tufts has approved another IUI. I am all set to go for next week.

I really have to stop this sort of behavior before a baby is born- or I suspect I am in for some sweet justice/ironic humor. At the very least, I am certainly not making any friends around here. Oh well. Hopefully they are used to the crazy highs and lows that happen to a woman in mourning, a woman obsessed with having a baby.