This time last year

It was at about this time last year when I finally accepted that my pregnancy was doomed and agreed to induce labor on poor Sally Ann. While I was in labor for 18 hours, making my due date tomorrow, this moment of resignation was the lowest point in my life to date. I so wanted to ignore the doctors and perinatologists. Maybe they were wrong. Why couldn't I have the miracle? Why was this happening to my baby?

Due to the risk to my life and future ability to conceive and carry a child, we ended this little beauty's life. With no amniotic fluid, I was told, even if she made it to 24 weeks, she would endure a painful death from premature lungs. She never had a chance.

My hubby and I worked on Sally Ann's memorial garden today. I'll show and tell tomorrow. We added a memorial stone and some special rocks and shells I've collected from all over the world. I am contemplating spreading her ashes tomorrow, but I am not sure I am ready to part with them. maybe I can put just a few ashes there? Is that weird?

I can't believe it's been a year. I love you sweet baby. I'll never forget you and the love you brought to my life.

Today is my due date

As I sit here watching the snow flurries drop, I feel like I am in someone else's life. Today is December 20th, 2008, the date that I was supposed to lay eyes on my first baby, entering my world, my baby girl's first day on planet earth.

While I know that chances are slim that babies actually are born on their due date, never in a million years did I think my baby would be born 4 months too soon. 2nd trimester premature rupture of membranes (water break) is extremely rare. They tell you you're clear after the first trimester- statistics regarding loss of any kind past the first 12 weeks is down around the 1-2% mark. I mean what are the odds that I have trouble conceiving AND a second trimester loss? My thoughts on this are now much more black and white- chance of loss is 50%- you either give birth or you end up with a dead baby.

Finding out that I am prone to blood clots and that may have been the cause of the amniotic rupture only sickens me more. Should of, would of, could of. How come no one suggested me seeing a specialist? How come the gene mutation was not tested for at the onset of the uterus blood clot and then easily treated? How in the world did I think going to Puerto Rico was a good idea after being on bed rest for 2 months? How come the doctor allowed me to go? How come I never learned Spanish? Should of, would of, could of. I can drive myself mad if I go down this road.

How did I get to this place? I will be back at the doctor's in Boston tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and blood work. today is cycle day 8. This IUI could be be the start of another life. Or can it be that my first pregnancy, my special Sally Ann, would be my only biological child? I just can't believe it- that my life would go down like that.

I have a strong desire inside to be a mother. I have always had that deep, passionate will to raise a child in this world. Now I need to re-examine what that looks like. What is motherhood? What was the need I had really? Was it to raise a little human and pass the legacy of love, compassion, strength and integrity into the world? Was it to know that my genes and DNA live on past when my body turns to dust? This story line is so much heavier that I expected. What happened to what they told us in school? If you don't use protection it is an accident that you don't get pregnant. I can't believe that bullshit. Come to find out it is actually, in the best of circumstances, a difficult task.

Oh well. I called myself resilient back in August when I started this blog. I don't feel so much today. I am actually more on the weepy side. The anticipation of today, however, was much worse. Today gives me some sort of twisted closure.

Does one ever get over the loss of a child? Of course not, but there is a closing of the circle, as there will be for each milestone that will come between now and July 26th, 2009. Christmas, Passover, Mother's Day, Father's day. The anniversary of my water breaking. Sally Ann's birth and death.

Grant me the serenity to accept this thing I cannot change.

The Final Days

Over the next couple of days, I had the opportunity to speak with many doctors, including my own. In fact, consulted with three OB's and one perinatologist with a lot of experience with pprom (preterm premature rupture of membranes). Their biggest concern was that I would get an infection that could come on quickly and cause me to get sepsis, lose my reproductive organs, or worse.

"The risk did not outweigh the benefit" was the recurring theme of their opinion. If I did not get an infection and we continued with the pregnancy, I would still most likey go into labor. If that did not happen, the baby would be born with pulmonary hyperplasia- underdeveloped lungs and could die at birth or shortly thereafter. The cord could become prolapsed without the fluid needed to protect it and then oxygen would not get to the brain, causing brain damage or death. Plus, muscle development would be curtailed since the uterus was literally closing in on baby. She could make it- no one would say it was impossible, but it would have to be a miracle. I felt that the pregnancy in itself was a miracle and I was almost willing to take that risk. She was, after all, my baby. As a mother, I would do anything to protect her. I love her more than life itself.

I was heartbroken. My husband and family were only worried about me at this point. The risk to me and my future children was too great. What if I went on and I lost my reproductive organs and we lost the baby too? Then how would I feel? What if I died? They needed me to be ok first.

On Friday, I asked for one more ultrasound. As I was wheeled down on the stretcher to radiology, I prayed for a miracle. I guess it wasn't my time for one. There was no fluid at all and the tech noted that the baby looked more like 10 weeks due to the fact that my uterus was pretty much crushing her.

I consented to induce labor at 2:00 pm and we began the process at 3:00 pm. When the doctor placed the pills in my cervix to begin labor, he noted that my cervix was already 2 cm dilated- my body had already begun the process and labor would have occured anyway.

I was in labor for over 22 hours. At 11:09 am, she literally popped out. At 1:30 pm, the placenta followed.

Doug and I had a chance to hold Sally Ann and cry for the loss of the family that wasn't. They dressed her in a cute little pink cover. I kissed her. She was cold. She had died at some point in the labor process. They gave us foot prints and hand prints ss our consolation prize. This was supposed to be a happy occasion. I wish the memories of my baby were happy, but nothing can take away the fact that she was MY baby.