This time last year

It was at about this time last year when I finally accepted that my pregnancy was doomed and agreed to induce labor on poor Sally Ann. While I was in labor for 18 hours, making my due date tomorrow, this moment of resignation was the lowest point in my life to date. I so wanted to ignore the doctors and perinatologists. Maybe they were wrong. Why couldn't I have the miracle? Why was this happening to my baby?

Due to the risk to my life and future ability to conceive and carry a child, we ended this little beauty's life. With no amniotic fluid, I was told, even if she made it to 24 weeks, she would endure a painful death from premature lungs. She never had a chance.

My hubby and I worked on Sally Ann's memorial garden today. I'll show and tell tomorrow. We added a memorial stone and some special rocks and shells I've collected from all over the world. I am contemplating spreading her ashes tomorrow, but I am not sure I am ready to part with them. maybe I can put just a few ashes there? Is that weird?

I can't believe it's been a year. I love you sweet baby. I'll never forget you and the love you brought to my life.

Falling to pieces and then remembering I can have it all

The first part of the day sucked. I went for a second opinion from a perinatologist so that I'll be all set when I get prego. What I didn't realize is that I had been to that office before- for my first trimester screening with Sally Ann. I handled that realization pretty well, even with a waiting room full of pregnant women.

They took me in immediately and asked when my due date was. I handled it well. Then the nurse kept making things worse- "oh I am so sorry I said anything, blah, blah, blah." "Do you usually have high blood pressure?"

Ok- I lost it. By the time the doctor got there, I was a bumbling fool. He was patient and understanding. We went over the autopsy results, the placenta pathology report and my prothrombin factor II mutation in a lot of detail- more so that ever before. We have a plan in place that I feel good about. I will continue on the Lovenox, and we'll add progesterone shots at week 16. This is said to help extend the term of babies in mothers who had previous premature losses.

He said there was never anything I could have done to save Sally Ann. By the time the clot occurred in week 9, taking Lovenox at that point would not have saved the pregnancy. The water breaking was still just a fluke, and is very rare. It was probably due to the bleeding. The bleeding was likely due to the clot. But the clot- may or may not be as a result of the thrombin factor 2 mutation. Just a lot of unknowns and I need to just accept that.

He doesn't suggest I try to have twins, only because he hates for me to add any additional stress to the situation. After all that has happened, I really want twins. Not sure what to do with this information. I guess I don't have to make any decisions today. What are YOUR thoughts? I mean I will be on Lovenox this time and that is supposed to address my issue. So what further issue is there if that is being addressed?

When I got home, I immediately went to my blog reader where EVERYTHING changed. Today is a day of great news. From positive betas, to healthy linings and good follicle counts, to twins on the u/s, to several healthy births, today is a day to celebrate. I feel so happy for all my bloggy chick friends. And I know that my time is coming. It may be hard for me today but I know that it can happen to me too. I can have my heart's desire. My dream can come true now. I need to keep believing that this is my time.

Today is my due date

As I sit here watching the snow flurries drop, I feel like I am in someone else's life. Today is December 20th, 2008, the date that I was supposed to lay eyes on my first baby, entering my world, my baby girl's first day on planet earth.

While I know that chances are slim that babies actually are born on their due date, never in a million years did I think my baby would be born 4 months too soon. 2nd trimester premature rupture of membranes (water break) is extremely rare. They tell you you're clear after the first trimester- statistics regarding loss of any kind past the first 12 weeks is down around the 1-2% mark. I mean what are the odds that I have trouble conceiving AND a second trimester loss? My thoughts on this are now much more black and white- chance of loss is 50%- you either give birth or you end up with a dead baby.

Finding out that I am prone to blood clots and that may have been the cause of the amniotic rupture only sickens me more. Should of, would of, could of. How come no one suggested me seeing a specialist? How come the gene mutation was not tested for at the onset of the uterus blood clot and then easily treated? How in the world did I think going to Puerto Rico was a good idea after being on bed rest for 2 months? How come the doctor allowed me to go? How come I never learned Spanish? Should of, would of, could of. I can drive myself mad if I go down this road.

How did I get to this place? I will be back at the doctor's in Boston tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and blood work. today is cycle day 8. This IUI could be be the start of another life. Or can it be that my first pregnancy, my special Sally Ann, would be my only biological child? I just can't believe it- that my life would go down like that.

I have a strong desire inside to be a mother. I have always had that deep, passionate will to raise a child in this world. Now I need to re-examine what that looks like. What is motherhood? What was the need I had really? Was it to raise a little human and pass the legacy of love, compassion, strength and integrity into the world? Was it to know that my genes and DNA live on past when my body turns to dust? This story line is so much heavier that I expected. What happened to what they told us in school? If you don't use protection it is an accident that you don't get pregnant. I can't believe that bullshit. Come to find out it is actually, in the best of circumstances, a difficult task.

Oh well. I called myself resilient back in August when I started this blog. I don't feel so much today. I am actually more on the weepy side. The anticipation of today, however, was much worse. Today gives me some sort of twisted closure.

Does one ever get over the loss of a child? Of course not, but there is a closing of the circle, as there will be for each milestone that will come between now and July 26th, 2009. Christmas, Passover, Mother's Day, Father's day. The anniversary of my water breaking. Sally Ann's birth and death.

Grant me the serenity to accept this thing I cannot change.

The day the earth stood still

I will never forget the feeling. I was lying in bed reading and it was about 10 pm on a Monday night. My husband and I were on puerto rico- our 5 year wedding anniversary trip. Our baby moon as it is called. Sally Ann was 17 weeks gestation. I had just finished watching a BBC pregnancy calender DVD that shows what is developing at what time frame. I had found out recently that my baby's hearing was developed and that she could recognize her mom's voice. I was talking to her a lot in the days before. How cool! She could hear me and I could tell her how much I love her.

That feeling. It was like I was peeing all of a sudden. Drip, drip drip. It felt so weird. I couldnt stop it. I went to the bathroom to see what was up and wooosh! Fluid started coming out of me. This is not normal- I knew that. I was panicked. I woke up my husband. He didn't seem too concerned. I called my OB back in the states-the doctor on call called me back quickly. She remained calm and wanted me to do so too. She suggested I relax, stay in bed and go see an OB in the morning.

I was extremely scared. I was wearing a pad and it was drenched in a sort of watery fluid with a distinctive smell. I can't really describe it. It wasn't a bad odor, just something I had never smelled before.

We got to the hospital the next morning at 8:30 am. The concerierge highly recommended this hospital about 10 minutes from the hotel. We signed in- first I wrote on the sign-in paper that I was 37 weeks and water broke. Then I realized what I wrote and changed it to 17 weeks. The happiness of the staff turned to concern. They brought me to a bed and I waited. I waited all day. They took blood, hooked up an IV, took a urine sample. Gave me an ultrasound. No one was saying anything- we just waited. My husband and I talked about dinner. I hadn't eaten anything all day and was starving. We decided that, after this scare, we were NOT having the amnio. We would take what we got and that's that.

This was too much for me to handle. At week 9 I had a blood clot. In the middle of the night, I awoke to a mass of tissue coming out into the toilet. I thought for sure that it was baby. We went to the OB in the morning and baby was just fine but I had developed a blood clot in my uterus that remained there, though getting smaller since then. Every couple weeks I would have a massive bleed, followed by occasional spotting. I was on modified bed rest off and on for weeks 9 through 16. I had gotten the ok to come back to work and the ok to go to puerto rico. I had no bleeding for 3 weeks prior to the trip. Doesn't do me any good now. I wondered if the two might be related.

The doctor finally came in at about 4:30 pm to talk. He brought us to a labor and delivery room. This scared the heck out of me. Why was I in this room? He proceeded to tell me that my water broke, as I had suspected, and that there was pretty much no amniotic fluid left in me. He said that I would most likely go into labor in the next 48 hours but I could help the process along if I liked. Was he out of his mind? I couldn't understand what he was saying to me. I think he was saying I should terminate the pregnancy. Yes- that is what he was saying. At 17 weeks gestation, the pregnancy was not viable and would still be considered an abortion. The baby, on the other hand, was doing well- the ultrasound showed a normal heartbeat and movement.

I thought was going to pass out. What were my OTHER options? Well- the doctor mentioned that I could get an infection since my cervix would be opening. That would be bad. I asked if I could possibly have IV antibiotics. The doctor thought that would be ok. I was confused, scared and inconsolable. Then I started bleeding. Damn this! This was my baby. This can't be happening to me. Please! Tell me this isn't happening!