38 hours until the waiting game

I got the call- I will be taking the ovidrel tonight and going in for the IUI on Sunday morning. I am nervous and almost want to just put it out of my head. What can I do so I don't think about it?

So far I took a 3+ hour nap. That helped. My husband got a bunch of movies for us to watch. What I need is a massive chill pill to get my thoughts off of this and onto something completely distracting.

I can only imagine how my next two weeks will be. But I have gone through this before. I know what it feels like in both possible outcome scenarios. I'll be ok however it ends up. At least I hope I will be.

Silly me

I went for my scan and blood work this morning. It was a scary night leading up to it, though. I have actually been up since 2 am for a really silly thing I realized I did. For those familiar with gonal pen meds, the doctor put me on a high dose of 450 IU each evening. For those unfamiliar, the pen in is prefilled with medication that one uses each night until the pen is empty. When the pen runs out, you have to prick yourself again with a fresh new pen to get the remaining amount of dosage needed. Example, 300 IU left in a pen. Once I use it, I set the new pen for 150 IU- that gives me the total, appropriate dose of 450 IU. Two pricks unfortunately, but the correct dose nonetheless.

Last night I spent the night at a friend's house in Boston so I wouldn't have to do the double drive today (especially since I also had to go to Albany for a meeting tonight- the complete opposite direction- this knocks off 2 hours out of 7 for the day). I used up the first pen that I had- got 300 IU in that dose. That meant... I needed 150 IU more for the proper dose. I got the fresh pen out and ready to use, and somehow I got distracted. Instead of setting it for 150 IU, I set it and injected the full 450 IU. My reaction to the mix up? I didn't even notice I did anything wrong. I was happily clueless throughout the evening.

At about 2 am in the morning I woke up out of a sound sleep and realized- Oh shit! I took 750IU instead of 450! Needless to say, I was pretty freaked out. I was trying to decide if I would live. Was I flushed? I think I feel dizzy. Is it hot in here or is it the meds? How could I do this to me and my precious little follicles?

I had to talk myself down and say, self, what is the worst thing that could happen as a result? The worst thing would be that the cycle is canceled, but that won't happen. I could not get pregnant, but that could happen anyway. At least I would be at the doctor in the am and that there wasn't much I could do in the moment anyway. Just calm the effen down and try to relax. Relax I did. Sleep? Not really.

Come morning, I'm exhausted, but at least I can find out what I did to damage my body. Turns out, no one seemed to think it was a big deal. In fact, I think the doctor said it would have been much worse it I had took too little than too much. I shouldn't worry at all. It would have no effect. And these people call reproductive endocrinology a science? Hmmm. Boy do I feel much better, even if I over spent a few hundred dollars in meds last night.

So the update- I had about 8 developing follicles, with one definitely more dominant that the rest, however- let's see if the other buggers can catch up between now and Friday when I go back. I am tentative and still very hopeful. That is all I can do is hope, right? I guess I could spend the time worrying, but hoping is a much better feeling that worry.

On another note, my dad called me to check in today. It blew me away. Of course I missed his call, but I called him back quickly and reached him on his cell. He leaves it off most of the time. It is the first time in two years he actually called me rather than me calling him. Let me explain- He has had throat cancer and can't talk well so most of our exchanges are on email. About a year ago he had to have a tracheotomoy put in so talking is mostly a struggle for him. It is the royal cosmic irony in that my father has never been at a loss for words. Now he can speak a few minutes, at most. That is why it hurt even more when he critisize me the other day- few words to speak- and he chose negative ones to give me.

It was nice that he made that effort and it meant a lot to me. Just checking in was what he said he was doing. I know it probably means he has been rethinking the last week of verbal activities. Does he feel regret? I am not sure. At least he took the time to reach out. Even with his poor delivery on comments of late, he is still my dad and I love him.

Part 2 to the bad day

For all those that commented about my cruel step mom, I appreciated your kind words. Part 2 goes like this- I decide to call my dad on Wednesday to let him know I wasn't pregnant. About 15 seconds into the call, right after I told him the news, he ripped right into me, letting me know how fat I looked when he saw me and that every time he sees me I get fatter and fatter. When I told hm the doctor told me to just hold off on weight loss right now because he doesn't want my hormones to get out of wack, my dad tells me I am lying. I am lying? He says either I am lying or my doctor is a quack and I should find another doctor.

I can't believe how supportive and loving my family is.

I told my dad I will lose weight once the baby comes. He tells me he hardly believes that one and I should just put off getting pregnant until I lose the weight. Then he compares me to step sisters- they have stressful lives- how come they didn't gain weight?

I don't think I have ever felt as alone in this world as I do right now. I need to talk to my doctor about anti-depressants. I feel like jumping off a bridge about now-except for the fact that I want a baby so bad- if that longing and hope wasn't there, I am pretty sure I would need to be committed.

Bereaved Parents' Wish List

My new friend Michelle found this on line- I thought it was appropriate to post

Bereaved Parents' Wish List
I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't wan't to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, it is certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand~understand my loss and my grief. But, I pray daily that you will never understand.

Not yet

So- it was probably implantation bleeding...and then a miscarriage. I am on cycle day 3 today. I haven't been able to write up to now. The spotting stopped and then the floodgates opened. The doctor thought my lining was particularly thick this morning and wouldn't be surprised if that was what happened.

I started my injections tonight- my blood tests were fine. I am back at the MD on Tuesday morning for a scan. I am sad, disappointed, and yet hopeful. I have a burning desire to be a mom. I am not giving up on this dream of mine!

I would like to take this opportunity to share what a nasty woman my step mom is. On Monday night she told me I was a horrible daughter to my father. Drunk and screaming at me, she accused me of lying about being on bed rest last summer and that it was somehow my own fault that I lost my baby by going to Puerto Rico.

She says I don't make the 3 hour drive to see my dad enough. I do my best. I travel for a living, barely see my husband as it is, and drive back and forth to Boston for my treatments (2 hours each way). I drive 1 hour each way to work (in the opposite direction of Boston). I have come every month to see my dad since I moved home in September of 2007 except when I was on bed rest in May, in the hospital in July, and last month when I was on the road two out of four weekends for work. I gave up a position I loved and was successful in, my friends and a life I was content with- for the sole reason to move closer to him. My husband gave up his job so that I could be close to my dad. When I told her that I am trying, and doing my best to be there for him, she told me it wasn't good enough and that my step sister is a better daughter to him than me. She topped it off with saying I am fat. And she did the whole thing with a knife in her hand and so close to me she was stepping on my toes and practically spitting in my face with her drunken breath. Oh- and she topped it off with sharing sordid info about when she was my dad's mistress when he was still married to my mother.

Real pleasant.

Guess what you nearly 70 old woman- I don't answer to you. You are not my mother. You are nothing like my mother- you can't hold a candle to her. Why not keep off the booze and act like a fucking adult. You don't know me. You don't know me at all. I love my father more than you will ever know. I respect him and love him more than you are even capable of. And by the way- I hate the way you yell at him.

What hurts the most is that I thought we had a wonderful relationship. I really cared about her. Every so often I would tell her I loved her- never did she return the sentiment. On her deathbed, my grandmother told me not to trust her. Now I know why she said that.

There is a part 2 to this- but I am too aggravated to write about it tonight. Inquiring minds will need to wait until tomorrow- after my much needed massage appointment.

Anticipation turns to freaking out

Ok- now I am freking out. I am still spotting- not very much at all but it is still there. It was a pink couple drops on Saturday a few brownish drops today. It seems too early to be my period. I am not actually due for it until this coming Saturday so the spotting began on day 21. I was cramping on Saturday too and a bit yesterday. Today it seems to have stopped.

I can't stand how this feels. I am making myself crazy and my husband thinks I am losing my mind. I may take a pregnancy test cause I am wond up so tight I may explode.

Anticipation...

Well- it's been 11 days since my IUI. A week from today, I can go for the blood test. The waiting has been a bit brutal and I just try to think of other things. Yesterday was day 10 and I had a small amount of spotting (implantation bleeding???). I am hoping that is a good sign.

For the first time since the procedure I am actually am feeling really hopeful and happy. Wouldn't it be nice if I got pregnant nice and easy and had a smooth, flawless pregnancy? Wouldn't it be nice if, 5 years down the road, I don't even remember what my FSH levels were, or estradiol, or what ttc stands for (trying to conceive for those of you who do not know).

Today I am focusing on the hope. Why not now? Why not me?

The waiting game

Ok- so we did the deed yesterday- I stayed lying down pretty much all day and night, other than my acupuncture appointment. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...get pregnant. May this be a nice and easy process.

Now for the dark side- I have been crying all day. I am filled with fear and grief. How much can one person take? I think I have had my share now. I just need to remind myself that sometimes it takes a few months to get pregnant. What if I just think about something completely different?

What can I think about? I don't know. I can really drive myself crazy over this. Ok- any ideas? What is the soonest I can take a pregnancy test? I am scheduled to take a blood test on 11/23- a Sunday. I will find a lab open for this, but I bet I won't get my results back until Monday.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Each day brings me closer to my baby.

Praying for myself

Tomorrow I go for the IUI- 10:30 am EST. I am really not trying to think too much about it. I am just going about my days keeping busy and taking care of myself.

However, if you are so inclined, say a prayer, think positive intentions, have a moment of silence, or sing a song for me, my beautiful, fertile egg, and D's strong, fast swimming sperm. May there be the perfect melding together, and may they slide gently into my uterus and stick there nice a comfy.

Yes we can...

So far, so good

Well, I am on day 8 and feeling ok so far. I've been on injectibles for 5 days now and go back to the doctor early Tuesday morning. It looks like the IUI will be around Thursday or so. Of course, that is right in the middle of a business trip I have. It is the universe's way of reminding me that my number one priority must be my family- and here's my perfect test. I've squared away my work plan B and am getting ready to receive whatever comes next.

I was at a follicle scan yesterday morning, and in came Dr. T. I hadn't seen him since he discharged me from the reproductive department last May- he had said, "our work is done" and he told me to go find an OB near my home. As he walked into the room yesterday, I found myself holding back the tears. I can't believe this is how it turned out.

As I lay there, legs spread, watching the scan, I looked at a particularly large follicle, thinking, that might be my next baby. Hope is the appropriate emotion right now.

To everyone who reads this: please think and send fertile baby juju thoughts my way. I'll take all I can get.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you tomorrow...

I go for my day 3 scan tomorrow. I am nervous and excited all at once. I think it might be, in part, the emotional time of the month, but I have been very weepy today. I have all these hopes and dreams. I am sad that this journey has been so tumultuous. I am sad at how the last pregnancy went. I am frustrated that the process this time has been so difficult. I think I need to speak my mind tomorrow- it doesn't have to be that hard- it shouldn't be.

I want to give myself the space to relax and not build up everything on this first month. Even fertile women don't always get pregnant in one month. I need to keep perspective. On the other hand, my hormone levels were good, my uterus is in good shape. Why not me? Why not now?

For now though, I am just going to open myself up to the possibility that my dream can come true for me this time.

Lessons I am learning along the way

The screwed up lesson I am learning is that if scream and cry like a lunatic, it actually gets me somewhere. Tufts has approved another IUI. I am all set to go for next week.

I really have to stop this sort of behavior before a baby is born- or I suspect I am in for some sweet justice/ironic humor. At the very least, I am certainly not making any friends around here. Oh well. Hopefully they are used to the crazy highs and lows that happen to a woman in mourning, a woman obsessed with having a baby.

What else can I take?

What more can I handle? It feels like the fertility clinic really doesn't even want to do this damn IUI. They make a hard, emotional journey even more frustrating and painful than it is already!

First, they screw up my husband's blood test. He drives all the way to Boston for a freakin' HIV test (standard practice prior to fertility treatment) and they forget to have him sign a waiver. He had to get retested and then waits in the lab for 2 hours for the nurse to fax the orders in. Then- the lab faxes the results and the fertility clinic tells us they never received it, even though the fax was "successfully sent." Resend? I wish it was that easy. In the state of Mass, you can't just resend an HIV test- I guess it is against the law or something. Anyway, that is taken care of now, after much crying and begging.

This whole thing and they still haven't received the consult info from the perinatologist giving the go ahead for the IUI. I am running out of time for them to request insurance approval. The one saving grace is that I lied as to when my day one might be- it gives me an extra 3-4 days cushion- cause I knew this kind of shit would happen.

So I call my perinatologist. Is nothing easy? It seems I have a genetic mutation- Prothrombin Factor II mutation. What does that mean? I'll share more of what I know know later but, for now, it means my next pregnancy will require more steps to follow, more risks to take. For now, this insurance request can move forward. Everything is complete. Or is it?

Where the fuck are my pap results? I can't believe I am still waiting on this. And- of course there is more. I have to get in writing that I spoke with my doctor about this prothrombin deal? He submitted the diagnosis and treatment info in writing as requested. He spoke with the reproductive endocrinologist, assuring her he would share the info with me. I told them I got the info...and now they want another letter in writing before they submit for insurance? Now they're just fucking with me. I feel it's all a big joke and the joke is on me.

Feeling kind of so-so

Lots have been going through my mind in the last few days. Last week was Yom Kippur-the holiest day in the jewish year- a day to reflect, to repent for your sins, and to mourn for the dead. I was unprepared for the flood of emotion that would come up for me. Mother-daughter stuff. I remembered back to last year when I was inconsolable around the loss of my mother and here I am now, with two losses. How ironic. Part of the day also focuses on setting yourself for what you wish for in the coming year- how you would like that unfolding to be.

I wish for a baby. I wish I become a mother. Soon. Please, please, please.

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

Antigone (http://www.antigonelost.com/) is recruiting us to take action to spread awareness about pregnancy and infant loss.

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

All good things come to those who ask

That has been my motto for quite some time now. Not only did I get the follow up consult with my doc early like I wanted it, I can have it by phone- avoiding the 2+ hours drive it takes to get there. I am so happy I could scream.

Not only that, but my FSH test (follicle stimulating hormone) was 9.0- completely normal. This is a good sign as my numbers in the past were slightly elevated and was the only thing that they could point to that was causing me not to get pregnant.

So all tests will be completed by the 10th and my phone consult is on the 17th- which is enough time to get the approval from Tufts to begin my cycle in November.

I so appreciate the nurses and schedulers at Mass General. I really feel that they have my best interests at heart.

New Year, New Beginnings

Today is Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year- Happy 5769! It seems almost perfectly fitting that today is "day 1" for me, the first day of my cycle. It is one day closer to my next IUI. Day 3, I'll be doing bloodwork. Day 10, a hysteroscopy. Next month, the treatment can begin. Today, I am one day closer to meeting my live baby (or babies), smelling baby smells, kissing mushy baby heads.

Think Good Thoughts by Rabbi Nachman
Since Rosh Hashanah in the “head” of the year, our minds should be focused properly and we should think only good thoughts. Rosh Hashanah is like a blueprint for the year to come, so positive thinking can help shape our year for the good. Your speech has the power to create, for better or for worse. What we talk about on Rosh Hashanah deeply influences the year to come.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cards of life are stacked in your favor. Overall, you're far
more likely to succeed than fail, and to thrive than dive. Don't let the
inevitable setbacks get you down. You are on your way to all you have been dreaming for, and so am I...

Whirlpools of love,
The Universe

As a follow up

For all my well wishers- I didn't REALLY send that letter from my previous post. Just a bit of therapy for my head. I may send a letter, but it will most likely contain just the first sentence or two. For all those who wondered, Dr. L is indeed a woman, which makes her behavior and insensitivity even more shocking.

SHARE training for medical practitioners

There is a training around fetal/baby loss for medical practitioners in Northampton, Massachusetts on November 10-11th (two trainings, one each day). The director of the US National Share organization will be helping professionals with sensitivity training on the subject. Things like, do not be afraid- we know you don't know what to say. Saying that is much better than saying something like "would you like to pray with me?" or "Things happen for a reason."

I have been encouraged to write a letter of invitation to anyone I think might benefit- maybe someone who was not the best with me and could use the training.

Dear Dr. L,

I am part of a SHARE support group that helps me cope with the loss of my baby girl, Sally Ann. The director of this national organization will be in the area to speak on the subject. She is an absolutely wonderful speaker and, since you are in the field, I thought you might be interested in attending.

She can share with you how inappropriate it was to tell me I had a 50/50 chance of losing my baby when I had the first sign of bleeding. You may have been right, but it was ever so cruel. And then when you happened upon me after my 22 hours of labor as your shift began- what a delightful coincidence that it would be you to finish off the deed.

I found it so thoughtful that you had the idea of putting my baby in a stainless steel bowl, still somewhat bloody, to give to me to view. Aren't we so lucky that Nurse M was around to come up with the idea of using the little preemie pink wraps that you stock in the hospital by the case for just this occasion.

In any case, why not check this lady out? You might pick up a few pointers and learn that less is more when you are speaking with a woman in grief. Or maybe can you just think before you speak?

Sincerely,

Lisa DG

New day, new meaning

For those of you who made a comment to my blog from last night, I have one piece of good news. What I didn't mention yesterday was that I also had to make a perinatal appointment before I could even go back to my fertility doctor and that appointment was also way way in the future- two doctors making me wait. This morning, my OB office had found a sooner appointment for me for a perinatalogist (a completely different practice)- they obviously "got it" when I spoke to them. I am not going to worry about the fertility appointment until I get to day one and my tests are complete. Once I am all ready to go back to her, my appointment will become available- I just know it. No amount of worrying now will make it better.

I learnined something really profound tonight. I attended a SHARE group meeting which, for those of you who may not know, is a group that helps couples with fetal and baby loss at any stage. Tonight the meeting was packed. We did get on a roll of complaining for a while- we can all share the stories of stupid, insensitive people, or medical professionals that let us down, etc. But then the topic of conversation focused on how several people felt that they had somehow let others down with the loss of their baby- like we all felt as though we had to apologize for what happened.

In an instant, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been carrying around guilt and despair that I had somehow let Sally Ann down. How terrible I felt that I did this to her- that I took her life away. How she must be so disappointed in me for inducing labor and giving up on her. Bad Lisa. How could you do that to your poor little baby girl?

A wave of pain came over me. I cried all the way home. Here is yet another layer of the onion, peeled back. Here I am, heart cracked open. It hurts, and somehow I know that it is exactly where my journey needs to go- that I need healing around this.

For those who will tell me it is not my fault, know that I can and do see the logical side of the discussion. Tonight, however, my heart needs to feel the irrational in an effort to move forward towards a new understanding. This is where I am. This is who I am. This is my life and my journey. I wonder where it might lead. The path is certainly dark tonight.

We don't have to take it anymore!

My doctor's appointment went very well- or actually just as I had expected. I will need to redo a bunch of tests, timed on different days, and so we decided (she decided) that I will not begin my next cycle until next month. No surprise here.

The frustrating part is that, when I went to make an appointment to regroup with her after all the tests (why do I even need that meeting? We will be redoing the protocol we did last time), she has nothing open for 6 weeks. So they expect me to wait another month because she can't fit me in to regroup? You have got to be joking! I called everyone and their mother at the clinic, pratically begging for something sooner. I absolutely will not wait. That is the stuff that just makes me blow my top!

They tried to calm me down by telling me that there are always cancellations and that I am on the list for one of those. Ok, for now, but if I have to come in there on my own and demand to see her, I will.

I guess what I have learned is that I don't have to be the good little girl and do what I am told. This is my body, my fertility, my family. I will do whatever I need to in order to create my family.

I can't believe how much I miss someone I never really knew. I move along each day feeling like, Yes- I am going to make it. Then, in an instant, I feel like I don't even know if I can.

Breathe in, breathe out. Each day brings me closer to the family of my dreams. I can't wait to share the good story of Sally Ann with my children. I will share the gift she gave to me in her short existence here on earth. Maybe we will all sit down by her tree some day and this pain I have will have found some meaning.

Notes From The Universe

I get an daily email from a site called Notes from the Universe - written by Mike Dooley, one of the people in the movie The Secret. Here is the one I read today. Not sure I can "hear it" yet, but I am willing to ponder it.

I guess what it brings up for me is that I want to find a way for this experience to bring meaning into my life. For example, I appreciate my husband so much today, more so than ever before. I am grateful for that gift in my life. I know there are other gifts. I can choose to focus on the nightmare- or I can choose to focus on something else. Tonight I will focus on the love I have for my husband.

-------------------------------------------------------
Whenever your perspective on something creates emotional pain, Lisa, it's
always because your perspective is still so narrow that you've yet to see all the
good it will make possible.

Because it will.

I can see clearly now...
The Universe
-------------------------------------------------------
If you are interested in getting a personalized daily pick-me-up, copy the url below and paste it into your web browser:
https://www.tut.com/notes/?action=notes#SignUp

Do all good things come to an end?

I had made a dried flower arrangement as a memorial to Sally Ann. I used a cool square vase that was given to me and added some of the flowers from the many bouquets I received. It was beautiful and so sentimental. As the flowers sat, they would sink down into vase a bit more each day, so I would add more on top from a plate of ones I kept. The vase sits next to Sally's urn, an angel sculpture that was sent to me and some cards that really "moved" me.

I came home last night to discover that the arrangement had molded. The beautiful colors had faded to a fuzzy grey-brown. Oh well- there is nothing I can do now. I dumped them in the garbage and left the smelly vase next to the pile of dishes I need to get to at some point. A clean sink doesn't seem to have the same allure and importance as it once did.

I am optimistic about my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I am going to try to convince her to let me start next month rather than waiting. I know she has her agenda- and I have mine. In any case, I have always believed that all good things come to those who ask.

I should have bought stock in maxi pads

Captain's Log 9/16. it has been two weeks since I have written. I have been swamped with work and that was probably a good thing. My appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist is this Friday and I am a bit nervous. I hope she says I am ready to roll and begin again. I hope my insurance quickly approves. I hope, I hope. I am focusing on how great my life is- things are supposed to go well for me. I deserve everything I want and I can have it all.

I feel my cycle is beginning to get back in order. I bled like a sieve for about 12 days. The actual total amount of bleeding was actually about 17 weeks- with the bleeding in pregnancy, the post delivery and then this. Well, that phase of my life is behind me, thankfully. I should have bought stock in the Always brand pads. I could have made it rich.

Since I last wrote, my husband planted a memorial tree for us that my staff got us. It is a beautiful Japanese maple. I am terrified it won't survive as I heard other stories of tree planting difficulties, but I need to keep the perspective that the plant is a symbol for, not actually my daughter. What happens to the tree does not reflect on my ability to be a mom, nor will foreshadow future events.

I can tell I am in better mental shape- I haven't been crying all the time. I even made it a couple days here and there with no crying- I think. I feel better than worse on most days. I thought about Sally Ann this weekend a lot and I felt very sad. I met a woman who had her first child at 42- I love those stories. Share them with me if you hear them.

I have been at work for 12 hours today- with an hour more to drive home- I better sign off. I will update everyone after my doctor's appointment, at the latest.

Those were the days

I remember back to how scared I was when I first found out I was pregnant- I wasn't sure how to feel since I had never been pregnant. I had complained right before the IUI that it had been 37 cycles of trying. There was a deep heaviness when I referred to the process that way- 37 attempts.

The truth was that it wasn't really 37 cycles. Yes- it had been 3 years, but a lot happened in that time frame. My mother was sick with cancer and I would often fly to be with her- out of range of my husband's "Superman" sperm as the doctor called it. I don't know how many months that occurred- I didn't really keep track of that. Moreover, in the early months, I didn't know what I was doing. The old adage- if you don't use birth control, it's an accident if you DON'T get pregnant- was in my mind so I didn't plan or time marital relations. I just came home from the bar, straddled my husband and said "let's make a baby." Oh, the good old days!

I also took on a new job that required some travel. I wasn't travelling too too much, but the first time I used the ovulation predictor kit, I had flown to Orlando FL for a conference. I knew I would be ovulating while I was there so my husband took off time to fly down there a few days after me to be sure we "matched" it up right. Low and behold, I ovulated two days before he got there.

If I look at the story I have told myself, I may have slanted my "truth" in a way that made me feel worse, not better. It didn't really matter by this past April- I had gotten pregnant. I mean, my issue was getting pregnant, not staying pregnant.

It took me just about 9 weeks to really get into it and not be completely frantic. When I first saw the ultrasound at week 5, I was terrified. There was a little heartbeat in what looked like a blob. How would that fragile thing live?????

At 9 weeks, the picture looked like a baby. All the doctors and nurses were congratulating me- they said the baby looked great. Very strong. They were extremely pleased. In fact, they said their work was done and they released me to my new OB.

I had found my OB about a week before. Still, I felt sort of lost in that I didn't know how to be just a pregnant woman. My story had gone from "when will I ever get pregnant" to "I met my husband, fell in love, got married and created our family" in a matter of minutes. I look back now wondering if there was a part of myself that thought "you fake! You know it can't be that easy."

I spent a non eventful weekend going back and forth on the matter until Monday, I decided this was my fate. I began telling close friends and reveling in the newness and joy of the experience. I shared my new story with my husband, my therapist, my family. It was a dream come true.

Until about 4:30 am in the morning of that very day. I went to the bathroom and blood gushed out of me. Falling into the toilet was large clots of tissue. I remember looking into it and saying- there's the baby. I was in total shock. I can't even describe the terror. I immediately called the reproductive endocrinologist. When the on-call MD called me back, she said I should call my OB. Now I am faced with calling a stranger's office to try to explain what had happened.

The on call doctor called me right back and asked me to remain calm. She told me to come to her office at 8:00 am- 30 minutes before they opened. It would be easier than going to the ER. Just remain calm.

I called my friend from 1st grade- she had 3 kids, Maybe she could calm me. "Oh I know someone who had the same thing, It was a blood clot. Don't worry just yet" she said. OK. I won't worry. Blahhh- did I lose my baby?

That was the longest 3 hours of my life.

I arrived at the unfamiliar office and they took me straight away to the ultrasound room. They got me situated and took a look. Low and behold, there was my sweet, beautiful baby, just moving and shaking, heartbeat absolutely perfect. I felt truly blessed, so happy, so grateful. Everything might really be OK.