Hot Mama Bear's Premature Delivery- When the Water Breaks...

2010-12-25T13:19:00.005-05:00

I spend many a night thinking about my journey and where I am today. The fact that I have my most cherished dream come true doesn't completely take away the tragedy and desperation I experienced along the way. However, at least there was a happy ending to an unhappy story. That doesn't always happen.

Do I have any regrets? Some, but it isn't worth discussing today. I am just so grateful I have the life I do with my most precious, sweet baby.

I miss Sally Ann tremendously and I wonder what life would have been like had she survived. I wouldn't have my little T if she had lived and that leaves me with an awkward feeling. I don't believe that things are meant to be but I do believe that my little baby belongs to me and I to her and the universe let us meet and fall in love.

And so the end of the story is also only the beginning and I look forward to what comes next. I hope to update you loyal readers from time to time to let you know what's happening. The question of the decade will be, do we have another? It seems so silly to even say it after the trauma involved in having miss T. However,we do have another embryo there, waiting for us, on ice. It perhaps couldn't hurt to just give it the old college try...

For now, though, please let this blog be a testament of faith, courage and resilience. Let this stand as a story about infertility, hope, baby loss, and continued desire for a baby. I never gave up and, for that, I got a my baby, my hope, my dreams and much more. I discovered what is truly important in being a mother. It's not about a mini me. It's about unconditional love and acceptance, complete surrender, and legacy. Oh- and I learned a lot about patience and impatience...

Most of all, this story is about Sally Ann. My sweet baby who didn't survive. I will love you always. Perhaps we will meet again. I hope so.

For now, let me say take care and good luck on each of your journeys. I will be wearing my lucky socks for you...they worked for me. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May 2011 bring all that you hope for. xoxo

Happy birthday, Sally Ann

2010-07-26T17:10:00.003-04:00

Two years ago today we said hello and goodbye to you. I miss you sweet baby. I will never forget you. You were my first born. I wish you were here with me. I still cry for you.

A Needed Update

2010-07-14T21:32:00.008-04:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. I'm surprised I have enough time to brush my teeth, frankly. I just wanted you all to know I am not completely gone, just trying to find my way in this amazing new journey for me.

The years of infertility and losing Sally Ann has given me a heightened appreciation for my little sweetie. I am completely present and engaged in the good, bad and ugly. No one can prepare you for the overwhelment of the first couple of months. I'm already sad of the growth I've been witness to. In a future post I want to write about how life is a series of weanings. This little being was once a speck within me- part of me. Then she became a separate being. As she gets bigger and older, she will pull away. Right now, I'll just enjoy all I can give to my daughter and try to be in the moment. It's hard to do but I need to do it or I will drive myself crazy.

Was the journey worth it? Taking a look at the pictures, you know the answer. While it doesn't take away the hurt from my loss, it does distract me.

Introducing Tinker Bell

2010-04-30T17:45:00.005-04:00

My little tinker bell was born on Wednesday, April 28, at 12:21 pm EST. She weighed in at 7 pounds 5 ounces and measured just over 20 inches long. Needless to say, I have feelings of sheer positive overwhelmement, coupled with exhaustion from the last couple of nights.

T, as I will nickname her here, is my dream come true. While she is at the beginning of her very existence, she is the result of years of yearning and cross roads, wearing lucky socks, heart break and plan B's.

This day does not negate the journey's twists and turns and will never bring back Sally Ann in any way. However, I sigh a truly sincere sigh in knowing that my life is once again forever changed- in a good way.

I am sure I will find more words to share about my feelings being here. For now, I need to tend to baby.

Thank you all who have come here and supported me over the years. Sometimes it takes a village to make a child.

Anxiety Sets In as the Date Draws Near

2010-04-15T18:18:00.003-04:00

I am so excited as the date gets closer. My c-section is less than 2 weeks away. But the fear is setting in.

Will I get my life's dream? Will it be taken away from me in a nano second like before? Yesterday we had a scare that brought us into the doctor. I thought I didn't feel the baby move and we rushed in. The baby really wasn't moving much. After about 30 minutes on the non stress machine and a cup of very cold water, she was moving up a storm. Her heart rate was good and I was getting some contractions.

Now I don't know if I convinced myself that something was wrong. Doc says it happens to everyone, not just the dead baby mamas. It made me feel better. Still, I hope these two weeks don't kill me.

Attached are some of the most recent pics of me from a few weeks ago.

Yeah, but...

2010-04-08T20:42:00.003-04:00

I am so excited now about what may actually come to pass in the next few weeks...my hormones are pulsing through my body. One moment I am happy as a clam, the next I am frantic and scared that something may go wrong...the following moment, I am hysterical over the loss of Sally Ann.

There is so much emotion brewing. I am a well spring of feelings right now. It is a most confusing time.

The happier I get about the little girl within me, the sadder I feel about baby number 1.

"Is this your first?" Will people quit asking me that freakin question?

I am feeling confused. I should be so happy...and I am. But I have so many more, unwanted emotions that accompany me on this journey. I suppose this is my life and I might as well get used to it.

Does anyone have words of wisdom?

Baby, Baby, Bay

2010-03-18T22:21:00.004-04:00

I know these pics may seem weird or sci fi to some of you...they come from my baby's 33 week 3D u/s. I'm in love. I can hardly wait.

32 weeks, 4 pounds, 14 ounces

2010-03-09T21:47:00.003-05:00

Baby is doing well so far- growing well, moving lots. I'm holding my breath yet feeling more secure about her. I can't wait to hold her. I mean- let's not have a premie, but I am counting the days until we meet.

I go for another 3D u/s this weekend- can't wait to see her pretty face again. I am also going to my very own baby shower. I was hesitant to even tolerate one before the birth, but I'll take the risk this time and spend an afternoon celebrating what almost surely will be- with friends who love me and will be there for me either way.

Funny- I used to hate baby showers. I would put on my fake smile and pretend that it didn't hurt that I was still childless in the presence of pregnant women and women with children. It was a torment that I put myself through because I really wanted to be there for those whom I loved. But it hurt. It was a sad and lonely feeling.

I wonder if I will feel weird this weekend...I am not sure that one can ever leave behind the infertile or the dead baby mama persona. Maybe all that will make me more grateful and appreciative of what lies ahead. Time will tell. Wish me luck...

60 days and counting

2010-02-27T09:27:00.002-05:00

It has been decided that I will undergo a scheduled c-section on April 28th. That means, barring any unforeseen tragedy or early delivery, I will meet my sweetie cakes 60 days from today. I am so excited now. I can't even believe it. Still I preface "unforeseen tragedy." I don't think that can ever change. It is just the nature of who I am today- the new woman I became after my baby has died and my heart was ripped out from within me.

But for my baby number 2, I owe it to her to find a warm and welcoming stance. She cannot be my second choice. She is just as important to me as baby number 1. And, after all, she is all I have now.

The New Normal

2010-02-14T14:44:00.006-05:00

It is funny how this term continues to change its meaning in my life. For a long time, it meant life after my mom's death coupled with life after the death of my first baby girl. I could not go back to who I was before. No, I became am a new woman after the deaths of the two most important females in my life to date. I was no longer filled with hope and optimism. I felt scared and scarred. I felt like I was drowning, mostly.

Increasingly, though, my new normal has been a normal pregnancy- at least normal for me. I wouldn't even begin to compare mine with the happy go lucky 20-something oops sort of experience. No, my pregnancy arrived here, kicking and screaming, with much ongoing poking and prodding, and took a village to create. But here I am now, alone in my bed, 7 months pregnant with the little one moving and shaking to the lullabies I am playing on the laptop. To see me, no one would be the wiser regarding the journey I have taken. I mean there is no mistaking the fact that I am pregnant. And I am doing all the pregnant woman sort of things- eating lots of food, waddling about here and there, looking at baby sites, nesting, reading Dr. Sears....the new normal is that I feel like a pregnant woman and nothing more. I haven't been obsessing with the journey and all its painful the twists and turns.

The only indicator that there is something different is when the dreaded question gets asked, "is this your first?" I want to say, "is that any of your business?" I called the OB yesterday and the answering service asked me that question. It kind of brought me back to reality. Ah well, it wasn't the end of the world and I have gotten a bit of practice of late.

I wonder if motherhood will be a new normal or just normal.

For those who have asked...a pic taken today...28 weeks, 5 days.

Something has clicked in me

2010-01-30T17:44:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling like a mother. I have been obsessed with anything baby. It's almost an illness. My baby girl already has a full red sox, patriots and bruins wardrobe. Don't get me wrong. My superstitions and fears are always with me- even through the hours I spend combing online baby stores and picking through my registry.

I was at a discount store today and my husband came up with a pair of pink little toddler winter boots. They were on sale. It was the sweetest thing I've seen. He is genuinely, completely thrilled. My dad purchased an antique child's barber chair for "his granddaughter." He is over the top too.

"Is this your first?" is the question of the hour. Everywhere I go, people feel the need to ask. How do I answer this? Usually I say no. I say my first died in childbirth. I don't say it to get a rise or make them feel uncomfortable. I say it because Sally Ann will always hold the place in my heart as my first baby girl. It just doesn't seem right to negate that.

I think I will always feel a bit of sadness from what has been. I can't believe I can say it has gotten easier. Easier in the sense that I can function and think about it at the same time. Easier in that my flood of tears has slowed to usually only a few tears at a time. I don't know if I truly believe in life beyond death but I pray each day that I will be with my baby in death.

For now, I'll shop for the living. For me and my next baby girl.

Meet the Baby

2010-01-03T18:50:00.005-05:00

Here is my beautiful daughter, age 22 weeks. I can hardly believe how great she looks with the 3D ultrasound. Amazing! It was very much a bonding experience for my husband and me. We felt somehow closer to her by being able to watch her move and shake within me. For those who can and have access, I highly recommend the experience.

For the next 24 hours, I pretty much did nothing else but gaze at her pretty pictures, all 150 of them on a CD that I got to take with me.

It feels real now. I was planning on not telling people I was pregnant until I was past the 24 week milestone. However, I decided to relax into this pregnancy and have some faith that things may work out well this time. To this end, I shared my status on face book this morning. That is a very big step for me. I got showered with congratulations and well wishes.

My only hope is that the rest of the pregnancy goes by faster than the first half. I love the feeling of being pregnant right now, but the fear still creeps back in daily and I'd be ever so happy to reach the full term day of my pregnancy and have a happy, easy and healthy delivery.

Shared support needed

2009-12-27T10:13:00.002-05:00

If you have a moment, please drop by my friend's blog
After much struggle to get pregnant, her baby died in utero. She could use some support and gentle words.

I am so sad to hear about this as I had so much hope for her and this pregnancy. Please share in a united wish that 2010 brings better times- only happiness and good things.

It's a girl!

2009-12-13T16:51:00.002-05:00

Long time no post. I just have felt so overwhelmed with life that I haven't taken the time to do much of anything other than the required and then rest for mama and baby.

I'm almost 20 weeks now. It's hard to believe it. At 17 weeks I got a sinus infection and I was coughing so hard that I began spotting. An immediate trip to the urgent care alleviated the melt down feelings. Nothing since. Just kicking baby and clearing up stuffed nose and throat.

I hope all is easy through 24 weeks and beyond. I hope the pregnancy stays smooth and easy.

Smooth and easy is not something I have a lot of experience with but it is something I definitely need. Next u/s is in a week. They will do biweekly u/s until the end of the pregnancy to make sure everything is going ok.

For those of my blog girlfriends, please know that I am reading to keep up, and that sometimes I can't write from sheer exhaustion. I do want to say that I hope this holiday season is good for you and that you remember to be gentle with yourself.

Plugging away

2009-11-22T08:20:00.002-05:00

Almost 17 weeks. I can't believe it. Not that the time has gone fast. On the contrary, it is going in slow motion slow. 16 weeks 1 day. 16 weeks 2 days...you get the idea.

We had another u/s this week. All looks great. Baby wasn't cooperating so no goes it on what the gender is. I have my hopes, but a live healthy baby is the most important thing to me.

Last year, my water broke at 17 weeks and I delivered Sally Ann prematurely 2 weeks later. This time for me is very tense. I know that this pregnancy has nothing to do with the last one, but the heart doesn't understand that. So many circumstances remind me of last time. So many questions that will never be answered- the most important one being - did it have to end that way or was there something I could have done?

Why even ask, I wonder. For now, I am fast forwarded back to the here and now. I am just another pregnant woman in the prenatal yoga class. Just another lady with a baby registry at Babies R Us. I wish I could be just another ignorantly blissful woman with child. I supposed I have to settle for who I am. It is certainly better than the alternative. And please believe me when I share how grateful I truly am to be here with baby number 2.

Ultrasound was a hit

2009-10-21T19:59:00.003-04:00

12 weeks and counting. On Monday, I had my OB appointment. I hadn't seen this particular doctor since I was in the hospital with Sally Ann. "I have thought a lot about you over the last year. How are you?"

I burst out into tears. I am happy. Very happy. Even ecstatic. But all this excitement won't bring back my precious baby girl. Every fucking time I come to the office, I end up crying. It sucks.

We listened to the fetal heart beat and hugged. Things are going very well so far- completely normal, so she says. The new normal, I think. We decide that due to my high state of panic, I should come in more often, every two weeks, until at least until 19 weeks (that's when I delivered my daughter). I suggest we do this until about 24 weeks. Doc totally understands.

This morning we went for our first trimester screening which includes a highly sensitive ultrasound. Our little one is a mover and shaker, I'll tell you what! I couldn't believe how much exercise the little one was getting. It was amazing. I almost can't believe that I have this live being inside me, growing. I am so thankful to be in this moment. I hope I can stay in this moment until my next appointment.

Next week, I get to stop all my meds except the lovenox. I'm actually relieved that this part is over, but I'm panicked about stopping. Everyone says it's fine to stop. I need to trust that they know what they're talking about. We'll see. Maybe I'll ween myself off slowly.

The question of the day is this: to fetal dopple or not to fetal dopple? Should I rent a fetal heart monitor for the next few months or will that just make me more neurotic? What are your thoughts?

Catch up soon, I promise

2009-10-18T19:56:00.002-04:00

I feel compelled to write even with the exhaustion I feel. I decided that castching up on all your blogs was more important than writing on my own. As a quick update, however, I have a follow appt with the OB tomorrow and have lots of questions ready to ask. We'll be listening to the heartbeat if all goes well.

On wednesday, I have a first trimester screening that includes a sensitive ultrasound- I will ask hubby to help me post the pics. I think I will feel more relieved once we do that. For now, I am still pretty anxious, but at least I am 100% present this time- I am taking the time to feel every feeling, good or bad.

Please know that I am reading, even when I am not writing. And now, I think I need to go to sleep.

9 weeks, 5 days- another milestone

2009-10-03T22:33:00.002-04:00

I was wanting to post my u/s pics but I can't get my scanner to work. My hubby said he'd work on it but, if I wait for him to fix it, I may never blog again.

The u/s went well- baby is right on target, heart still beating- yippie. I also made it past another milestone. Last time, I developed a blood clot at 9 weeks, 2 days. Well that day came and went- no bleeding. I am so thankful that this pregnancy has been so different from the first, in so many ways.

Like my morning sickness, aka all-day sickness. I have been feeling like yuck yuck all the time and somehow love every minute of it. I went to the acupuncturist on Monday and she did some points to help ease the nausea. It worked like a charm- amazing- and yet I was scared shitless that something was wrong. Finally, on Thursday, the queasy feelings began to creep back in. I've decided that I'd rather be sick than worried.

My first OB appointment is Monday. All I want to know is when can I have another u/s?

I guess the next few milestones for me will be the end of the first trimester and then getting to the 24 week viability point. Last time around, my water broke at 17 weeks, 2 days and Sally Ann was born at 19 weeks. I keep telling others this- past performance has nothing to do with today. I do believe that- I just need to keep reminding myself. I deserve to be happy. I will be a wonderful mother.

Biding time until trimester #2

2009-09-27T10:37:00.003-04:00

My next u/s is tomorrow. I will be 8 weeks and 6 days. So far, all has been well. I have felt conspicuously exhausted and nauseous which is heavenly for an infertile. I am savoring every tiring, sick moment.

I have begun to think back on "the last time"- not the smartest move from someone who suffers panic attacks. It was at 9 weeks 2 days that I developed the blood clot in my uterus. I know I will feel much better when that day comes and goes with no activity- but for now I am in the mode of trying not to get nervous. Even if I did get one, many women get blood clots that do not lead to preterm rupture of membranes. And- I am on lovenox for that very reason- to prevent blood clots. For now, I need to just surrender and be in the moment- good practice for being a mom. However, patience is not my strong point.

In other news, I am traveling for business later in the week and will have to give myself my own PIO shots. For those not familiar with what that is (be thankful), it is a big mother needle that goes right into the muscle of your outer butt region. First was going to make my husband and dog go with me on the trip. Then I figured, I'm a smart cookie, there is nothing I can't achieve.

I watched about 4 utube videos and then I retreated the to the master bath to figure things out. It turns out, I did a pretty good job of it. It actually hurt less than when hubby does it. Still, I'm going to have him do it on a regular basis until my trip and then when I return. I know this might sound silly, but that time is a bonding time- when he and come together and I feel like it's us two, as a team, making this happen.

Most of the time I feel likes it's me, alone,contorting myself into every possible position, even throwing myself against a steel wall to get a live baby for the two of us. It feels very one-sided. Not that hubby doesn't want a baby- he absolutely does. It's just, he gets to hang out mostly and then occasionally show up and jack off in a cup. Not really an equal partnership of responsibility on the fertility front. Ah- but he means well. I am so lucky that he has stuck around through this madness- my madness- he is definitely a keeper!

Houston- we have a heartbeat!

2009-09-19T07:37:00.001-04:00

I will update you all a bit later...but I didn't want to wait longer to share the good news. I am now a graduate of Vincent Fertility Center ...wow! I can't believe I said that. Next stop- OB.

Coming along

2009-09-03T19:42:00.004-04:00

Well, we had a bit of a scare last week. I was so scared, I couldn't blog. Beta numbers are supposed to double every other day. So my first beta was 63 and the sencond one was 85. The nurse said "they were concerned" about it. Why do they have to go and say those things?

The pain and fear and sadness I put myself through was horrible. I went to the dark place about of course this is my fate. Why did I think I could have this? Anyway, it was not a fun weekend with us.

I was freaked out beyond belief. Luckily, the first website I looked at (www.emedicine.com) mentioned that even an increase as low as 33% can still be consistent with a healthy pregnancy. I had not seen that before- I always had read 66%. Anyway, it made my hubby feel better and I had to re-read the website from my blackberry about once per hour or so to calm myself down.

On Monday morning, I got my next beta. All weekend I was praying for 213 (my lucky number). I got 189- good enough, more than doubled. On wednesday, I had 470! Everyone, including me, are very happy with the results. I have my u/s next Monday.

I would like to thank the Academy...

2009-08-27T09:49:00.005-04:00

I'm pregnant!

Do you know how long I have waited to say those words? It feels surreal but I also have a calmness about me right now. I'm sure that will quickly fade but I am milking it for the time being. I am too happy for words.

I started testing on Monday. That one looked negative but then I noticed a very faint line at about the 6 minute mark. Still, I thought I was seeing something and I assumed the worst. When the story keeps having the same bad ending, you just assume.

On Tuesday, I got a slightly darker line- encouraging. Yesterday the line looked the same as Tuesday and I began to get worried again- how come it wasn't getting darker? The clinic let me come in a day early for my beta test since I was being a crazy lady and they wanted to put me out of my misery. I had the beta this morning and they confirmed I was most certainly pregnant.

All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you, for being here with me on this journey- women I have (mostly) never even officially met. I know this is only the beginning of a road that will be marked by uncertainty, fear, who knows.... it's great to know that you ladies will be here as I move forward- as we move forward towards our dreams.

It really does take a village...

Waiting

2009-08-18T15:10:00.002-04:00

What to do during the 2ww? As an update, the transfer took place on day 5- 2 beautiful blastocysts. Of the others, only one was frozen as 3 arrested in their development, one was missing a key component of the blast, and the other one didn't make it.

I am so glad we didn't do a day three transfer. What if they had transferred one of the ones that didn't make it? On day three, all of them were looking stellar.

And now the wait. What to do? My RE said to relax for 72 hours and I am taking that to mean complete bed rest whereby my hubby waits on me hand and foot. It's already been 2 days. 12 more to go. What to do? Hmmm. What to do?

Retrieval

2009-08-12T15:06:00.002-04:00

13 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature, 8 fertilized into embryos. Everything is going well so far. I just need to keep myself calm. All suggestions are welcomed. I go in for the day 3 transfer on Friday, but they might change it to Sunday "depending." I'll just wait and worry, and pray, and wear the lucky socks, visualize, think positive thoughts...you know the drill.

Any ideas on remaining calm, other than mind altering substances, I'd love to hear.

Looking good

2009-08-08T21:22:00.004-04:00

The cycle is looking good. There are 16 great looking follicles and then a lot of "smaller ones." Tomorrow is the retrieval. Am I nervous? Yes, I am. I wonder how many will be retrieved, how many will fertilize and how many will make it to day 3 and day 5. I wonder whether I will have a day 3 or day 5 transfer. There are just so many things to wonder about, it can make a girl go nuts. I'm honestly trying not to think about it and keeping my mind occupied with other things.

I read this "Note from the universe" today....
"It's true- the early bird gets the worm.
So does the late bird and the bird in-between. Because by design, there are
always more than enough worms.
In fact, the only bird that doesn't get a worm, is the bird that doesn't go
out to get one."

I need to remind myself that I am on the right track, that I can have my heart's desire- I just need to keep my eye on the prize, and keep going...

Please wish me luck!

Nervous Wreck

2009-08-06T09:10:00.003-04:00

I feeling like I am falling to pieces. This process is completely out of my control and I need to find a way to surrender to the whole thing. As many of you may know, I am quite the control queen so this is hard to say the least. I couldn't sleep last night. I have gone back and forth through fits of joy and crying episodes, and I have only been out of bed for about an hour.

My u/s yesterday went well. My uterus looks perfect- triple lining, nice and thick. I am ready to go. Still on Lupron and the vivelle patches in the am, aspirin and the lovenox at night. To that cocktail, I added a glass of 2005 Fransiscan Cabernet. It went down very nicely. My nurse coordinator said a little alcohol could be useful now, especially since I am completely off the anti-depressants and anti-anxieties at this point.

Ovaries- 14 right now, measuring between 9-12. I hope they all keep growing at the same rate- so the big ones slow down and the small ones catch up. Another u/s tomorrow- my clinic is pretty conversative and would like to check the progress daily.

Looks like we are still on for a Mon-Tuesday retrieval....

Let's say the serenity prayer- all together now...

So close, I can hardly stand it

2009-08-02T10:40:00.004-04:00

I'm trying to keep my head up and be positive- the retrieval is scheduled to be around August 10-11th and the transfer will be 3-5 days after that. I've scheduled my pre and post transfer acupuncture sessions, I have convinced my hubby we need to stay in a hotel close to the hospital the day before and the day of the transfer (I want everything to be easy and calm). I've gone to a Mikvah- for those that do not know, it is a ritual bath that "cleanses" a person so that she can begin anew (call me superstitious- I am throwing every dart I have and hopefully one will stick). I have consulted with 2 perinatologists, one hematologist and two RE. I am going to counseling, joined a group that is in my situation, and, yes, I am even praying. I am listening to my visualization CD's, using the law of attraction, remembering the importance of humor, exercising to be in better physical shape. I am taking my meds like a perfect patient- Lupron in the am and vivelle patches every other day. I am ready to begin the rest of the protocol. I think I have covered everything?

At this point, it is out of my hands. If I have learned one thing, it's that the whole pregnancy is a miracle and all I can do now is hope.

For those of you in the know, I am starting a special, top secret, diva girl email list to share the info you just won't find on my daily blog- due to the fact that I was reckless and have given out this address to pretty much everyone (silly me!). If you want to hear the REAL story, please drop me an email at hotmamabear213@yahoo.com or any other email you have for me and I can add you to that musing. It won't be a daily thing so don't worry that I will flood your email box. I just wish I could say everything here- unfortunately I cannot. It goes back to the theory I have been hearing of late- you can't un-ring a bell; you can't un-tell information. It's not about keeping secrets, like there's something to be ashamed of. It's about me and my family's privacy. And frankly, all that matters right now is me and my family (to be).

In any case, some of you will probably end up on the list without asking- in which case, you can opt out. For others- your email is not on your blog so I couldn't add you if I tried (which I did)- so if I can have your permission, by giving me your email, I would be tickled pink. Think of it as a new level of our friendship- if you think I have let it hang out here, wait until "big brother" isn't around.

Next u/s for me is August 5th- please cross your fingers, think positive and wear lucky socks for me- you know I will be...

Happy Birthday, Sally Ann

2009-07-26T14:21:00.010-04:00

I built up so much to this day, being worried and anxious about what it would feel like- how would I handle it? Would my world come crashing down? Honestly, it feels much like yesterday and much like I suspect tomorrow will feel. Every day is hard when you have lost a child. Infertility is just like salt on the wound.

But today is Sally Ann's birthday and there is no time for self pity. I picked and put some flowers in her garden. My hubby and I placed the memorial stone, crystals and shells yesterday in preparation. I scattered some of her ashes there, along with some rosemary that I got at a funeral for my friend's twins who died too soon. The Rosemary package reads "the act of scattering some (rosemary) and keeping the rest symbolically recognizes love that will forever live...some to keep and some to give."

I love you Sally Ann. You gave me hope, vulnerability, unconditional love, and compassion in your life cut short. I will give your hope, vulnerability, unconditional love and compassion to the world in the way I live my life. Happy Birthday. I love you now and always.

This time last year

2009-07-25T13:41:00.004-04:00

It was at about this time last year when I finally accepted that my pregnancy was doomed and agreed to induce labor on poor Sally Ann. While I was in labor for 18 hours, making my due date tomorrow, this moment of resignation was the lowest point in my life to date. I so wanted to ignore the doctors and perinatologists. Maybe they were wrong. Why couldn't I have the miracle? Why was this happening to my baby?

Due to the risk to my life and future ability to conceive and carry a child, we ended this little beauty's life. With no amniotic fluid, I was told, even if she made it to 24 weeks, she would endure a painful death from premature lungs. She never had a chance.

My hubby and I worked on Sally Ann's memorial garden today. I'll show and tell tomorrow. We added a memorial stone and some special rocks and shells I've collected from all over the world. I am contemplating spreading her ashes tomorrow, but I am not sure I am ready to part with them. maybe I can put just a few ashes there? Is that weird?

I can't believe it's been a year. I love you sweet baby. I'll never forget you and the love you brought to my life.

Falling to pieces and then remembering I can have it all

2009-07-15T14:14:00.005-04:00

The first part of the day sucked. I went for a second opinion from a perinatologist so that I'll be all set when I get prego. What I didn't realize is that I had been to that office before- for my first trimester screening with Sally Ann. I handled that realization pretty well, even with a waiting room full of pregnant women.

They took me in immediately and asked when my due date was. I handled it well. Then the nurse kept making things worse- "oh I am so sorry I said anything, blah, blah, blah." "Do you usually have high blood pressure?"

Ok- I lost it. By the time the doctor got there, I was a bumbling fool. He was patient and understanding. We went over the autopsy results, the placenta pathology report and my prothrombin factor II mutation in a lot of detail- more so that ever before. We have a plan in place that I feel good about. I will continue on the Lovenox, and we'll add progesterone shots at week 16. This is said to help extend the term of babies in mothers who had previous premature losses.

He said there was never anything I could have done to save Sally Ann. By the time the clot occurred in week 9, taking Lovenox at that point would not have saved the pregnancy. The water breaking was still just a fluke, and is very rare. It was probably due to the bleeding. The bleeding was likely due to the clot. But the clot- may or may not be as a result of the thrombin factor 2 mutation. Just a lot of unknowns and I need to just accept that.

He doesn't suggest I try to have twins, only because he hates for me to add any additional stress to the situation. After all that has happened, I really want twins. Not sure what to do with this information. I guess I don't have to make any decisions today. What are YOUR thoughts? I mean I will be on Lovenox this time and that is supposed to address my issue. So what further issue is there if that is being addressed?

When I got home, I immediately went to my blog reader where EVERYTHING changed. Today is a day of great news. From positive betas, to healthy linings and good follicle counts, to twins on the u/s, to several healthy births, today is a day to celebrate. I feel so happy for all my bloggy chick friends. And I know that my time is coming. It may be hard for me today but I know that it can happen to me too. I can have my heart's desire. My dream can come true now. I need to keep believing that this is my time.

Jizo

2009-07-10T12:07:00.004-04:00

Here is a picture of my memorial garden for Sally Ann.
Jizo statue to protect the souls of departed babies (Lola, my dog, in the background)

Another view of the garden with Boo (kitty). Japenese Maple, shells I collected, Lilies and ornamental grass.

Sally Ann was born and died on July 26th, 2008.

Am I losing it?

2009-07-09T20:41:00.002-04:00

Thanks for all your well wishes about the Lupron. I really am losing it because I meant to say it was the Lovenox that stings. The Lupron, which I began on Tuesday, is a breeze. The Lovenox, on the other hand, is creating a war zone on my belly. I had my hubby take some photos of it so that I can show the kids what I did to have them. I'd post them here but the they make me look fat so never mind.

I started volunteering for Resolve, The National Infertility Association. I am one of their moderators in the Thursday night teleseries. They have a great line up of specialists and topics. I encourage any of you who have an interest, to take a look.

Everything is status quo right now for me until next week. I am getting a second opinion from a perinatalogist at a local hospital so that, WHEN I get pregnant (see the optimism here???), I will have taken all the precautions needed to ensure a smooth and easy pregnancy.

Lousy Lupron

2009-07-06T20:04:00.002-04:00

Is it me or does the Lupron sting? I thought I was a wiz at the subQ injection thing but I seem to hear myself say, "ow" every night- and I have had some nasty bruises on my tummy since I started this about 10 days ago.

I am into the game now with a transfer looking like around the 14th of August. Am I happy? I don't think I can say that yet. Am I hopeful? Same thing. Hope has not been my friend in the past so I step forward with some degree of caution. I have started to do my morning visualization ritual again, though. I picture the end in mind- what I truly want (my own live baby) as if I already had it. And then I revel in the feeling of that contentment.

Sound "Secret-esque"??? I was really into The Secret for a while and got A LOT of cool yet creepy financial rewards from the experience(which may be the subject of yet another future blog). Anyway, I began doing this morning visualization back 4 years ago and I stopped at about the time my mother died (which, by the way, the two-year anniversary is this Sunday, June 12). Even if nothing supernatural happens, at least the ritual gets me into a more hopeful place which I believe I will need much of in the weeks to come. In addition, I will be doing the usual- lucky socks, praying, etc.

My first ultrasound is on July 17- just a week before the 1 -year anniversary of Sally Ann.

Regret Reemergence

2009-06-25T20:31:00.004-04:00

I saw the hematologist today. She shared with me that the prothrombin factor 2 gene mutation I have can commonly cause baby loss during the second trimester of pregnancy- this is because the placenta has had time to build up lots of vascular connections and clots can begin to form within those connections. So my body basically purged itself of my otherwise healthy, perfect baby. Who the heck knows. Even with with the blood clot, I could have been ok. My water breaking was just another rare result of the bleeding.

The what if's come flooding back. The hematology director came in to discuss my case with me and urged me not to play Monday morning quarterback. At least we know now. Great. I know they all mean well but it doesn't help Sally Ann, my precious baby. My only baby.

The reason why they don't commonly test for this when women experience bleeding and clots in pregnancy is 1) The gene mutation isn't all that common and bleeding is common in pregnancy and 2) the test costs like $4000. I wish I knew. I'd pay all the money I owned to have known about this and paid for the test out of pocket.

Ok- so we move forward now, right? They said I can stay on the pill. I will start on lovenox (blood thinner) injections as soon as they arrive from my mail-order pharmacy and stay on them until about 6 weeks after giving birth. There is no reason to believe that I will have future issues with this.

In anticipation of Father's Day

2009-06-20T17:26:00.004-04:00

Well apparently Hallmark doesn't make cards for bereaved fathers who have lost their babies. I tried two stores near my home with a score of 0-2. I guess if I had some forethought, I could have found something online. Oh well.

I think I'll actually be more sad tomorrow than hubby. He really didn't get to bond with Sally Ann. My theory is that women bond with their children while pregnant, once they begin to feel the baby move. Men, I believe, bond after birth, when they can hold and feel their precious baby in their arms. Nonetheless, the road that we've been on will certainly bring up some feelings tomorrow. I just hope I am in a place where I can be there for him like he has been there for me over these past 4 years.

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On another note, I got a disturbing message yesterday afternoon from the Hell nurse at my fertility clinic. The committee has reviewed my file and they think I should see a hematologist before the procedure. Fine. But- they recommend my ceasing the BCP until the consult, which will put my transfer back a month. No way. You can blow me, miss nurse.

I am not doing anything until Monday when I can discuss this more rationally. I was on BCP for years with no issue. I have no intention of pushing this back a month so that I can have the consult. I'd rather start blood thinners now if I need to but don't tell me, after I have been sitting around for the past few months with my finger up my butt waiting that I need to postpone another month. No no no no- no can do. Sorry, Ma'am- but we're doing it my way this time.

Wow- I feel so much better now...

BFN

2009-06-16T21:06:00.002-04:00

Well- I gave it all I could. Can't say I didn't do everything humanly possible to bring a mini me into this world. For the first time ever I was 5 days late and actually beginning to fantasize again. Joke's on me, it seems.

I'll take that hope into my next chapter. I started BCP today for an August "alternative family building activity" (is that cryptic enough for the non-knowers?).

Wish me luck. I'll need all of you to lean on as I grieve, accept things things I cannot change, heal, move on, and become ready to receive new life within me- all in 8 weeks and counting...

Healing Ritual

2009-06-14T20:40:00.003-04:00

I went to a memorial service today. It was for two beautiful twins, Matthew and Ashley, who died too soon, at 5 months in utero. I met the mother and father soon after Sally Ann died, at a baby loss group. Even then, though obviously distraught, the dead baby mama had a composure about her that I envied. I never did learn that composure and, even today, when I talk about Sally Ann, it is with tear-filled eyes and a bit of stuttering.

It has been a year since the twins died and, in a grand cathedral mass, we joined together to honor lives cut short- lives that had little living, but had no shortage of love during their lifetimes. We were there for a formal memorial to validate that yes- these children lived and breathed just like as you and I do, even if it were for only a moment.

I watched in awe at the rituals that the priest performed. This is alien territory for me, being somewhat of a heathen myself. But it made my think about how this ritual, this rite of passage, this formal ceremony was creating healing. I looked at this dead baby mama and, for the first time, saw tears streaming down her face. She let go and publicly grieved the loss of her hopes and dreams. She was vulnerable. There was healing that was occurring right in front of my eyes.

I wondered as I cried- because I always cry- if there is something equally as special and fitting of the anniversary of my Sally Ann's birth/death. Although I am extremely outgoing and social by nature, I am also surprisingly a private person- so my ritual would be something different. What would help me to heal? It won't be about closure, because that will never happen. I can never feel complete about what happened. Don't tell me it was God's will. Don't tell me that things happen for a reason.

I'd like to put it out there to other dead baby mamas and friends of ours- what kind of rituals did you do or would you suggest for me to honor the legacy of love that Sally Ann gave to me? How might I memorialize and give back to the universe the lifetime of love that she and I shared for all too short a time.

I miss you Sally Ann.

I'm Not Alone

2009-06-09T18:03:00.002-04:00

I joined a group of other women contemplating and using DE. The idea is to discuss issues, concerns, mind trips, etc, that come up while testing the waters of this option. It is led by a professional and she can keep me reeled in when I get too close the edge.

I was reading another woman's blog this afternoon and she hit the nail on the head- my life has been about waiting for the last 4+ years- waiting until I have a baby. Do I expect this flawed road to change any time soon? No- but isn't acknowledging your problem the first step in recovery?

In any case, this DE option has begun looking more and more attractive, though I am not ready to commit to it on this blog, if that makes any sense. It's just too private and raw for me right now. I don't like putting myself out there all vulnerable when I can be wounded by family and well-meaning friends.

Which brings me to my family. Many of you read of the debacle a few months back when a family member backed out as a donor for me. Well- they (that part of the family)have cut me off and are not speaking with me. They are angered that I publicly shared my dirty laundry on this blog (forget about the fact that this is an anonymous blog and I didn't mention who the donor was and most of the people I know don't even know this blog exists). Well- they want nothing to do with me because I am a "user" - not once an apology about backing out. In fact, they maintain that she was disqualified by the program, even though we call know (and the fertility program confirmed) that is not the case.

It is just so surreal- I lose out on my life's dream AGAIN, and then I am the bad guy. You know what- I'm over you, you mean people. Think and say what you like. It's your loss, not mine. And let's add insult to injury why don't I? I think the reason that my family member wanted to donate for me was not because she cared about me. It's because she saw $$$ signs. I was very grateful and offered to give her 6K towards some outstanding loans that she had. She had the nerve to counter and ask me for 26k. Can you imagine? What kind of donation does that make? When I respectfully declined (6K is a very generous amount to give a family member- most accept nothing for this gift and the Society American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends payments of 3.5-5K since it is for the effort, not the egg), I believe that was the beginning of the end for that opportunity.

Anyway, don't we feel much better getting that off our chests? I have just woken from a nap where a huge tiger was chasing me through a crowd of people. It was sort of transfixed on me, almost not noticing the people it ran past while gaining speed on me. What does this have to do with what I just said? I am not sure, but I woke up feeling like blogging about the above- so be it. I guess it's my way of coping and making sense of it all. And because this blog is for ME- and no one else, thank you- that's all that matters.

2WW Numbness

2009-06-04T18:55:00.003-04:00

I've been here before. The two week wait. It's been a challenge to remain hopeful with the array of BFN that have come before. This month I used clomid- I had the prescription from my last clomid challenge test. They wrote it for a refill so I took advantage. It's all I've got since I lost the insurance coverage from the family egg donor debacle a couple months back.

It is funny how disorganized I've been. I took the meds per the directions- I mean, I am an old friend to clomid. This is probably the 12th time (or more) I've taken it for some reason or another. I know the signs- flushing, hot flashes...not the friendliest wife to be around. I did the deed, several times, but didn't really pay attention to the ovulation signs- just made sure it was enough to cover all the bases- just in case.

Now I have completely forgot what day it is. Is it day 20? Is it day 23? I am not sure what's happened. I haven't been going to the acupuncturist much lately (she helps me keep track because she asks me each week). I am usually so detail oriented. I suspect it's because it is easier this way than to be completely engaged and invested and then heartbroken again.

Who knows? If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got. Maybe I'm on to something. No- I am not delusional. Just numb in this two week wait.

Getting over Mother's Day

2009-06-01T19:43:00.004-04:00

It has taken about this long to decide where to go from here. Mother's day was surreal this year. The first mother's day without my baby- last year I was pregnant on this day, which distracted me from the fact that it was the first mother's day without my mother. But what do you do on a very special day, as a motherless child and as a mother without her child?

I kept myself busy, wishing well to those on my husband's side of the family. We took his mom out to brunch and did the gift thing. It wasn't until a stranger smiled at me and said happy mother's day that I realized how sad I still am. I have gotten very good at keeping the tears stuffed inside so I just smiled back.

What do you say to a mother who has lost her baby? I think for most people, they don't consider me a mother. There was no tangible thing for them to see, to hold, and to remember. But there is for me. I went through 18 hours of labor. I held my baby who died in childbirth. I will always remember. I will always mourn my precious Sally Ann.
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On a separate note, I received a wonderful card the other day. I wrote my previous post that I committed a random act of kindness- I had donated my extra fertility meds to a stranger that was unable to afford IVF because her insurance did not cover it and the cost is about 5K. I hadn't thought I would need it since I was moving on to donor egg- so I showed up on her doorstep with the possible help to have a child. The moment was profound. It was an end of my dream and the beginning of hers. Well, she wrote me to say she was pregnant and she thanked me for the gift I was able to give.

I was so happy for her and I pray that hers is an easy, uneventful pregnancy.

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I have so much more to report on, but I suddenly am teary-eyed. I write this blog to share my feelings and experiences, to get it out rather than keeping it bottled up. I also hope that my words help someone else that may feel the same.

I haven't written recently because I wondered if writing was keeping me stuck in this place of grief. On the contrary, I realize it is great, healing therapy. I feel worse, more sad, more grief stricken, when I do not write. So I will keep writing, more often than once per month. If you see that I haven't written in while, please reach out to check in. Please don't let me hide out.

So much more to share- so sick of the bull

2009-04-12T19:17:00.008-04:00

I recall a time in my life where I was walking on cloud nine. Things flowed smoothly, I really knew that bumps in the road had their place, but played such small part in my overall fabulous life.

Now I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel lost. I feel confused. I like being prepared, but why do I keep having to come up with a another plan B?

I had a family member who was going to be an egg donor for me and now she backed probably out. The worst part about the whole thing is that she lied to me and said she was disqualified by the hospital rather than being honest and telling me that she had second thoughts and didn't think she could do it. This was a very immature move and she is quite young so I don't know why I expected more from her. But she set into motion consequences that she probably didn't even give a single thought to:

1. It cost me $1000 to fly her up to Boston, as well as hundreds of dollars in out pocket expenses for her blood tests. That money could have been much better spent. If she told me she changed her mind, I could be using this money for more important things- like working on having a baby.
2. Because we were supposed to begin cycling this weekend, my doctor had to go ahead and request insurance coverage for a DE cycle(which was approved). Now, I can no longer go back to insurance-covered fertility treatment for myself. This is a HUGE setback. If I want to spend this newly-found free time at least continuing to try on my own, I have to pay out of pocket for it.
3. I wanted to do something as generous as she did. The day I picked her up from the airport, I did a random act of kindness- I gave away my fertility meds to a woman I had never met before so that she could have an opportunity to be mom. It was a sad feeling as it meant I was closing a door. The meds were about 5K. Even though I was sad, I felt great about giving another woman a gift like that. Now those meds are gone for me. Do I have regrets? No. But it does make me sad. I just pray this woman gets pregnant from them.
4. I am now starting all over again- another 4-month set back, at minimum. Given the four years of fertility treatments, waiting gets very old. I REALLY wanted to be pregnant by Sally Ann's delivery date- I guess that won't be happening.
5. There is a rift of dishonesty between her and I- and I am not sure how we'll get over it. I thought the DE would bring us closer. Now with her lying, it will be hard to move forward. I wish she had just told me the truth about how she was feeling, at some point in the 4 months of waiting- even that she was having second thoughts. If she had told me the truth, it would have hurt, a lot, but I could have dealt with the truth. But to come up with a lie that wasn't even a believable, scientific reason for disqualification was ridiculous. And she told me in such a cavalier fashion, it was shocking. She came back into hotel room and was just like, oh I was disqualified because....and then just got on her computer to check her email. There was no real feeling of concern or remorse. It didn't really seem like she was phased after she told me. Meanwhile, I was wreck about it, crying. That morning, I couldn't bear the pain and had to take her to the airport right away. I kept the counseling session we were supposed to go together to talk out the happenings of the day and the last few months leading up to it. Should I have know there was something up? I checked up on how she was feeling at one point and she sounded quite positive.

When she first agreed to do this, she said that it was such a great gift and she was so happy to give this to me, given what I had been through. Her words were of complete generosity. I wanted to give her something for going through all this and, after conferring with the hospital and the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), I offerred her 6K for her time and what she would be going through. This is considered above the recommended amount of 3-5K. She responded that she really wanted 26K for it. I was shocked- this is completely unheard of for this sort of procedure. Something in the back of my mind clued me in that maybe there was something off in the whole arrangement. I said no to the request, but agreed to add out of pocket expenses such as her time away from work for appointments and gas fare as needed.

When it got closer to the trip to Boston, I wish she had called and gotten her concerns out with the doctor rather than flying up here to back out. I mean, if she had second thoughts, couldn't she have spoken up sooner?

Her behavior and lack of follow up from that entire side of the family only hurts more. What I needed most was understanding and concern from them. I felt more isolated than ever.

Oh well. What will be will be. I'll just get up off the floor, dust off my ass, and come up with a new version of plan B. They say luck is when preparation meets opportunity. And I'm feeling lucky. What's the alternative? Continuing to sob and tell myself that my life is over? No. Each day brings me closer. Each set back will strengthen my resolve. I am going to be an outstanding mother.

Why do you want to be a mother?

2009-03-28T22:31:00.005-04:00

The answer to this question is complicated and can vary greatly from woman to woman. One thing I know for sure is that I have always wanted to be a mommy. I still recall the baby doll my mom gave me as holiday gift. I must have been about 7 or 8. I unwrapped the box, and in a rectangular wicker box was a life-sized infant baby doll. She was one of those dolls that you could feed and change. I was so excited that I had this special baby of my own to care for and love.

Is the most important aspect of motherhood the passing on a genetic link for future generations? This creates a possibility of genetic immortality- ones DNA can continue on through time until that branch of the family tree ends. There is something very comforting in that. My grandmother Sally, for example, had a strikingly beautiful color of hazel eyes. She passed that gene onto my father who, in turn, gave that to me. This side of my family link also gave me strong teeth and, at 40, not one cavity. I also got my nearly perfect eye sight from my paternal ancestry. The only glasses on that side of the family come with advancing age. While none of this may really be all that important in the grand scheme of things, it always strikes me as pleasing when I look at photos of my grandma, my dad and I. There we are, standing together, with the same eyes, same teeth.

Possibly more important than eye color is the legacy that was passed down through generations. My characteristics, values and perspective on the world were formed, in part, by how my grandparents raised my parents and, in turn, how they raised me. My grandma Sally had a witty sense of humor, exuded sensuality, was classy and held herself with grace. She had self confidence, was assertive and went after her dreams. No one could tell her she couldn't if she really wanted something. I like to think that those are but some of the traits she gave to me and those that I want to share with the world as part of her legacy. I want my children to have high integrity, a sense of priority towards family and community, and to learn to love deeply. I want my children to believe they can do or be or have anything they want and have the confidence to go after their dreams. I am so glad that Doug feels it is of the utmost importance that our children believe they can accomplish anything they put their minds to. So often as a child he was told he "couldn't" accomplish things-because of this, he wants the kids to have that confidence to go after their goals.

The idea of creating a family with Doug is also very important. Part of this has to do with the idea of blending the two of us into one- a genetic soup, if you will. The other piece of this is that it feel like the natural next step to grow an extension of our deep love. If Doug and I are great together, having a couple additions can help complete our family. It is the natural next step. I envision setting up the tent in the back yard on a warm summer evening, watching Doug teach the children how to ice skate, going to Sox games as a family, sitting at the kitchen table and helping with homework. It is the simple idea of parenting that brings great joy when I think about it. Nothing glamorous- just doing the every day mommy things.

I have never been a quitter. I think that is why I have been so successful in my life. I am a troubleshooter. I get things done. I go after my dreams and make things happen. That is one reason why this fertility journey has been so painful- I just figured if I put my mind to it, I would be able to have this dream. This month marks the official 4-year mark of my ttc. I never thought I would be here still with no children of my own. 13 IUI's, 2 IVFs, a whole lot of well-timed sex and the only thing to show for it was one traumatic second trimester loss and one very early miscarriage. When do I decide enough is enough?

I was on a Resolve conference call last week with a fertility expert and the topic was decreased ovarian reserve. This diagnosis may be made when you look at a whole host of signs- putting them together and it paints a picture. At age 40, I am now considered of advanced maternal age. At age 20, 80% of eggs produced monthly are considered genetically normal. By age 40, 80% are considered abnormal, causing a decreased ability to conceive and implant. My FSH levels are considered borderline high. While I have been known to dip below 10 once in a while, my numbers tend to range from about 10.1 to 14.2. This range does not exclude me from being able to have fertility treatment, but it does point to a lower statistical rate of success. Finally, my body's response has been low even to high levels of fertility meds. The fertility expert on the call said that if a woman only produces 1-3 mature eggs with high levels of meds, this may be indicative of low ovarian reserve. He said high levels of FSH were about 200 IU. I have been routinely prescribed 450 IU (the maximum does allowed) and have, at most, produced 3 mature follicles. I asked the question of the doctor- "if I was your sister, how many cycles would you suggest before moving on to other family building options?" His answer was 3 cycles.

There are so many motivations for having children- I guess it is my job to figure out what is most important. My doctor is willing to continue with the IUIs for as long as I am willing to try. After all, I did get pregnant last year so we know I can. Even if the statistics are not in my favor, pregnancy is not impossible. However, I have spent 4 years consumed with this goal. I can accomplish motherhood in a variety of ways.

Simply put, I wonder if I am wasting precious time being unhappy and missing out on motherhood in my attempts to become a mother.

Why do you want to be a mother? What would you tell me if I were your sister?

Too Old to Take a Break?

2009-03-17T22:26:00.002-04:00

Well- Aunt flow is back to visit. I've had the regular crying fits, regrets, anger, and grief episodes again. What can I do? Not much except keep going.

It is cycle day 1. I am going to wait until next month to do what is supposed to be my last IUI. My doctor wants another clomid challenge test so, since I am in TX on business, I can do that easily from here and give my body one more month on all the fertility enhancing things I'm on to work (that would be the DHEA, the Folate megadoses, essential fatty acids, multi, baby aspirin, herbal tea, acupuncture, massage, visualizations, and prayer). Let's all imagine nice and low cycle day 3 FSH numbers, shall we? For those not in the know, we want a number lower than 10- let's shoot for 9. That's what it was in November. Last month, it was 14.2. So, my cycle day 3 test in on Thursday morning, for those of you who have time to send good intentions.

For those wondering why I need that test at this point in the game, depending on how this and my last cycle goes, will determine next steps for me. I responded pretty well this past cycle in terms of follicle production for the IUI. Another good cycle and maybe IVF is still in the picture. If I don't respond well, egg donation is a real possibility. I have a family member who is willing to donate for me and I suppose that could truly be the best next thing for me. I mean- it's been 4 years, lots of loss, and lots of pain. I really would just like to get on with it now and be a mom.

You probably won't hear much more from me regarding donor eggs. If I move forward, it will be IVF either way and be sure I will tell you all those details as I progress. Those of you who have grown close to me, feel free to email me on the sly for the skinny as time goes on. I just think that, for now, the choice I end up making will be a private one for me and my family- something for my children to share rather than me posting on the 5 pm news, if you know what I mean.

Who knows- I've been an open book all along. Maybe I will share how things move forward. For now, I am hoping that the clomid month yields an immaculate conception, or that the next and possibly last IUI is the one that takes.

With love and tears,

Lisa DG

Party Pics

2009-03-07T19:56:00.005-05:00

Ok- you've asked- here it is...me at the raging party. I'm the second diva from the left. The woman of the evening is the gorgeous woman standing in red.

Here I am after my 5th martini, with hubby holding on...

Thanks for supporting me. I feel a bit of regret that I don't quite remember the night of fun like I planned to do. I really needed to blow off steam, but there needs to be a limit and I crossed that line. Oh well. I have gotten great at beating myself with a stick. Best not to do it on things I cannot control- like the past. Keep moving forward one step at a time. Each moment brings me closer to my live baby.

Waiting is loaded with emotions

2009-03-07T16:15:00.002-05:00

I am not sure how to wait gracefully, patiently. I tend to do a lot of crying as I think back on what could have been. Then there's the "I need to relax" piece when I start my deep breathing, yoga or relaxation tapes. I often try to think of something different in the early days past IUI- usually that means a fabulous dinner and wine- anything to make the feel indulgent and distracted. My husband gave me the home alone today, and I have filled it mostly with sleeping, eating and working.

As time goes on I get more and more tightly wound up. I want it so badly but I am afraid to be that exposed, that vulnerable- to open myself up completely to the "what may be." I have done that so many times before and look where that got me.

Oh well- I guess it is better to hold out hope that I will have my hearts desire. It feels a whole lot better than believing I am destined to be unfulfilled.

Crossing Fingers

2009-03-04T18:31:00.003-05:00

Going for my IUI tomorrow. While I am a bit discouraged given my history to this moment- I'll do what I do so well- which is wear lucky socks, say a prayer, think positive, have good intentions, stay on my back all day, take herbs, do acupuncture, relax...you who have been around with me for a while know the drill.

Please hope along with me. Maybe this is my time...

Brrrr...

2009-03-02T12:02:00.005-05:00

We're all trying to keep warm here in snowy New England. I couldn't think of a better time to drive to Boston for an ultrasound than today. They say we should have over 15 inches when this all is said and done.

My great husband did the driving. I am so lucky and he is so patient. At least I took the day off today. I am thankful for the small things- like the rest of the day at home, that I am getting along with my hubby so well, that we are being more playful lately (like when we first got married). I guess all the worrying and depression I have been feeling has been getting old. I need to remember that this is my life. I can choose to be sad or happy, even in the face of repeated disappointment. It's my choice.

I know it is easy to say all this on my day 7- not as easy on a day 1. For today I will choose happiness and worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

On a total separate note, I went to an old friend's birthday party this past weekend. For the first time in a long time I partied like a rock star. Drank multiple martinis and don't remember much after about 10 pm. They say I had a good time. I lost my favorite shirt (yes I was wearing something under it), an earring, my necklace and my blackberry. Oh- and the heel on my Fendi boots fell off. Yahoo. I can't do that more than once every few years...I guess I needed to blow off some steam. Ya think?

And my husband still loves me. What more can I ask for?

Oh yeah- a baby.

Time Flies

2009-02-27T18:58:00.002-05:00

Time flies when you're having fun. I am on cycle day 4, shooting up my gonal pen, hoping for the best.

Hmm. Day after Day 1 Eve

2009-02-23T18:24:00.002-05:00

Aunt flow hasn't showed yet. I'm not usually ever late, but I took a test just in case- negative. Even though I knew the way it would end up, from all the practice, I still held out that ray of hope. I am am just as sad as ever about another loss.

For those of you who have not been through this, each month is a loss. Certainly it is not like the loss I had when I lost Sally Ann, but still it is a sharp pain. I've lost the hope and dreams I make each month. This time, I lose the dream of a Thanksgiving baby, all my family gathering around to take care of things for our feast while I lay back in bed nursing my Sagittarius child. And her (like how I called her a she?) godmother is also Sagittarius. How great is that?

Don't feel too sorry for me. This is the third or fourth loss of the "Thanksgiving baby." While it doesn't get easier, per say, at least I know I'll make it through.

Day 1 Eve

2009-02-22T15:42:00.003-05:00

There are so many eve's that we revel in, think about with anticipation, and just can't wait to experience.

Here's one I know all too well and dread: Day 1 Eve. Tomorrow is cycle day 28 of a cycle we "took off" to get my body in balance after the last early miscarriage. While I know if is most likely coming quick, there is that twinge of hope that says, "you could actually be pregnant. How great would that be if you just got preggo naturally, after all you've endured?"

To this, Hubby says, "well that would take care of a lot of stuff, wouldn't it?"

Yes it would. That would be a story I could think back on and almost laugh about (probably not). After all the pain, the years of fertility treatment, the loss of Sally Ann, some sweet goodness could come in the end? Excuse my skepticism, but I can't seem to hold my breath at this time. It is just easier to not get my hopes up. I am secretly planning a plan B for myself which is not quite how I had pictured my motherhood, but I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

In any case, I am looking at today as Day 1 Eve. I wonder what tomorrow, and next cycle, will bring.

Time Flies

2009-02-13T17:09:00.002-05:00

Can it really be 2 weeks since I blogged? I guess it goes in waves and there are times I feel burnt out- like I need to retreat, so that I can come back, as my full, real self.

I am now on day 19 of the cancelled cycle. I could be pregnant though I am not really holding anything miraculous is going to happen right now.

In fact, I am now examining all the family building options I could have. I want to get off the roller coaster and start the phase of my life I call "family" more than to continue to struggle and fight for the things called "my genetic children." I don't know what road this journey will lead to. My secret hope is that I am one of those great stories you hear about regarding the friend that had an "oops" just as she resigned herself to another means for motherhood.

Super Bowl Cocktails

2009-02-01T15:09:00.004-05:00

Well- I suppose I can drink tonight and so I will be grateful for the small things. Plus, we're having a smashing menu:

Slow Cooked BBQ Ribs- house made sauce, of course
Crispy wings with a house made Jamaican Jerk sauce
Mexican Pork Green Chili, made with tomatillos and lots of garlic!
Smashed Avocado Dip with chips and sliced veggies

Forgot to invite any guests. That's ok- I'm not much of a host these days. Still, I think I'll surprise my husband and dress up for him.

It's day 7 in a cancelled cycle. I have nothing to do but relax, and try to just be me. Still, I feel like I should be DOING something.

Fellow Blogger- Please Visit

2009-01-30T18:38:00.003-05:00

A fellow blogger is celebrating her one-year anniversary of blogging. Yippie for Ashley. What a milestone. Not always the milestone we hope for. But we get to support each other and keep the hope and prayers coming, even if we don't have the strength to do it ourselves. Anyway, go take a look. I am sure she would be thankful for a visit.

Some Knit, Others Scrapbook...

2009-01-29T20:34:00.007-05:00

What seems to most women like such a natural part of life has become the challenge of my life. I am consumed with it. "Don't you have a hobby you can do?" a friend asked me earlier, trying to coach me to get my mind off this ever-present task. Working on getting and staying pregnant is my hobby. And it takes so much time out of my day, I really don't have time for anything else.

I like to read, and often read more than one book at a time. Currently, I am reading two books on fertility, one Wayne Dyer book on being present in life (like that will happen any time soon), and I just finished An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, a book on a woman's experience of delivering a stillborn baby at term. I'm not nearly the fun, cool woman I once was, am I? Jeez- I don't think I would want to hang with me at a party. How depressing would that be? Don't worry- I won't be at a party near you. I can count the number of social gatherings I have been to since the baby died on one hand. Ok, actually, half a hand. 3 in six months.

Where has my life gone? 4 years ago, I was happy as a clam (what does that even mean anyway?). I was filled with hope, and knew that life was going my way. Now I am here, at this cross-roads, and I don't know how the fuck I got here. Life is so short and I wonder how I will feel down the road at all the pain and suffering I put myself through. Will it be worth it? Will I regret it? Now is not the time for these sort of questions.

I want a baby. Is that too much to ask for? I want to nurture and love and teach- I want to mother children, watching them grow into men and women. I want to pass on the legacy that was passed on to me. Is that legacy biological, necessarily? I don't even know any more.

I carry around a box of "miracle cards" that a friend gave me for the holidays. Every time I get to this point, I reach for one and pop open the surprise little saying that has the power to make me smile or cheer me up. Here's the one I opened today:

"How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and that there will never be a time when it is now now." Gerald Jampolsky (founder of the center for attitudinal healing, aka CorStone)

How fitting. I know it's just a choice, but it doesn't seem so easy right now.

Reflections from the other side of fertility

2009-01-25T00:56:00.005-05:00

There is a certain deference I feel to fertile women. It's subtle, but definitely present. It reminds me of the class system in India. Fertiles flock together, infertiles stay with their own kind.

I passed a pregnant woman the other day. Almost unconsciously my gaze looked down as we passed, as though I somehow shouldn't be looking directly at her. It was almost a feeling of shame- that is, until I caught myself doing it and overanalyzed the incident.

Last week was a very happy week for me. Today- not so much. I was inseminated on Thursday, January 15th. On 8 dpo, I had a slight amount of spotting. I really felt pregnant. I was convinced that this was my cycle. My husband, normally a skeptic, jumped on the hope bandwagon and we were riding that wave of exhileration. That is, until Day 11. I awoke to a bloodly mess. Yes, aunt flo had shown up with a whole party of clots. I'll spare the details. The bottom line- I'm not having a baby just yet.

When I went into the doctor this morning, a bit hungover, Dr. T noticed a cyst in my ovary, leftover from a follicle from last cycle. My unterine lining was quite thick as well. Given my spotting on day 8 and then the short luteal phase, his opinion was that I may actually have gotten pregnant, and then miscarried. He ordered some bloods and cancelled this cycle. Better to wait and let my body come back into balance.

Cathing Up

2009-01-18T16:06:00.004-05:00

Well, it has been a bit since I have written. I just haven't felt like it. I have been working long hours and I chose to read other blogs rather than to sit down and write in my own.

My visit to the fertility center in PA was great. The baseline ultrasound looked good so I began another IUI cycle. The pharmacy overnighted the meds I needed and I was off.

When I returned to Boston for my day 7 ultrasound, I was happy to find that my RE was the doctor of the week. This was actually the first time she was doing the ultrasound for me. Anyway, it looked as though I was responding well to the medication. "Looks very good" she said.

Responding well?

Poor response has been my middle name since I started this journey years ago. Poor response was why I would no longer be a candidate for IVF. Poor response- sounds so insulting, like I have done something wrong.

I was responding well to the meds- it looked like 2 follicles were nearing maturity, with several more just a hair behind, and even a few more labeled "small." When I came back two days later, three were ready to go with others still very close to maturity. This one could really work! Even the one that got me pregnant last year only produced 2, so I am feeling quite good. More mature follicles means more chances for success.

Today is 4 days post IUI. I can't tell if I am getting false symptoms due to my newly found optimism, but my girls were quite sore when I got up this am. My hubby, kind that he is, doesn't want me to get my hopes up and be hurt again.

So I will just play the waiting game while hoping for the best and remembering to breathe.

It's Raining Blood

2009-01-05T22:10:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm not pregnant. Not only that. I was bleeding so bad, I bled through my pants at work- think sieve. As you may be thinking- the implantation bleeding
was not. Or maybe it was, and it was another miscarriage. I'll know soon enough.

I am in Philly on business and needed to arrange to go to a different hospital for day 3 work up. My meds are being overnighted to me here. "Don't you want to just take off a month?" says the nurse from my hospital in Boston. "About as much as I want to cut off my arm and have you eat it."

My saving grace was definitely the coordinator at U Penn who helped me get this thing going. I called them in a panic- should I take a 1K plane to Boston? Should I fly into RI and drive the hour? What do I do????????????? Can you help me???????

"Take a deep breath," she said. "Take a calm, deep breath. We can help you here. We can even give you a patient discount if your health insurance won't cover it here."

I love her. She made me feel so much better. It's people like her- and like all of you- that help keep me sane. She even followed up to check in on me later. I think when this is all over with, I want to be someone who works in the office who can help others like me, who become lunatics with grief and stress and frustration. I want to be the one who says, "I am here for you, whatever you need."

New Year's Resolution-Renewed Hope

2009-01-03T20:10:00.005-05:00

The Definition of Hope
"A confident desire: a feeling that something desirable is likely to happen; likelihood of success: to want or expect something: to have a wish for something to happen or be true, especially something that seems possible or likely." (Encarta)

It is tough to stay in that place of hope. I have been down it so many times before. I am currently waiting on the two week period between IUI and discovery- today is day 10 post insemination. I wonder- when will it be my time? Is this my time? I have almost become numb from the process.

I started spotting yesterday- I can't tell the difference between implantation bleeding that I experienced last April and the onset of my menses. All will be known soon enough. I think I may take a pregnancy test tomorrow.

I guess what's different now is that I feeling a bit run down. It's been almost 4 years since I began this journey. Someone recently said to me that it is easier to think about DE when your back is up against the wall. I know what she means. If I had agreed to DE three years ago when it first came up, I would have a two year old by now. My mother would have met my baby before she died. Ahh, would of, could of, should of. Silly me. No need to go down that road again.

This "doom and gloom" I am sharing is not what it seems. My new year's resolution is to get back on the hope bandwagon- to believe that I can have what I want, even if the picture isn't exactly what I had planned. What I truly know now is that this year I will become pregnant, no matter what it takes. I am not quite ready to move on to DE yet, but I am damn close.

Let's not forget 2008. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I had my dreams answered with the surprise pregnancy. Wow I was so happy. G*d how happy my baby daughter made me. Then the loss of Sally Ann was definitely the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. In an instant, my hopes and dreams were gone. G*d that really sucked ass.

The only thing I can hold on to is what she taught me in her short life within me- things like unconditional love, my willingness to protect my child at all costs, the utter love between myself and my husband. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that she also taught me that I can get pregnant when I had pretty much given up on that possibility. And her death uncovered a rare clotting disorder that I have. That knowledge could have actually helped to save my life.

The legacy of my Sally Ann will live on in my heart forever and my best tribute to her is to be the best mom I can be. That is how I will honor her memory.

Christmas and Beyond

2008-12-27T12:40:00.004-05:00

Well the day came and went fairly uneventfully. Rather than spending it with our families, we decided to spend the time, just the two of us, quietly at home. No tree. No presents. I barely even opened all the holiday cards yet.

At the last minute (the night before), our neighbors invited us over for their special luncheon. They had way too much food and needed help. We obliged. it was actually really nice being with people who are pretty much removed from the whole situation. I actually enjoyed myself and we got to leave when we were ready to go.

I suspect that the anti-depressants have begun to kick in by now. I am feeling fairly ambivalent rather than feeling like I am on the hope and despair roller coaster. I guess that's good.

I have been thinking a lot about Sally Ann lately though. Not so much thinking about her, but remembering back to holding her. I remember how small and fragile she was, her tiny body bruised by the mere act of a natural child birth. I never took any pictures. I really regret that. I spent some time complaining about that with my husband the other day. How come the nurse never suggested I take pictures? After I finished bitching, my husband informed me that they did offer and that I declined. I have no recall of this. Maybe I was in shock or maybe repulsed by the idea of memorializing such a traumatic experience. In any case, that ship has left the port.

My IUI was uneventful. I have been resting ever since and plan to continue that protocol for the next couple of days. I am a very superstitious person and so, of course, I am looking for signs all over the place (see Tertia's blog "so close" to understand fully what I am talking about). The curse of "what's meant to be." Is it fate I lost Sally Ann (how ridiculous is that?)? If I heard my favorite sound on another woman's blog and she used donated eggs, maybe it is a sign that I should choose that path. I wonder, I wonder. What is my next step on this road? I hope that, as I come around the bend, I'll find out my pain and wait is over.

Maybe I should have a blood mary and take a nap instead.

IUI tomorrow am

2008-12-23T21:14:00.003-05:00

Wish me luck- I'll be doing the lucky socks, praying, thinking positive, deep breathing, laying down, etc routine. You know the drill. Please play along.

Today is my due date

2008-12-20T13:40:00.004-05:00

As I sit here watching the snow flurries drop, I feel like I am in someone else's life. Today is December 20th, 2008, the date that I was supposed to lay eyes on my first baby, entering my world, my baby girl's first day on planet earth.

While I know that chances are slim that babies actually are born on their due date, never in a million years did I think my baby would be born 4 months too soon. 2nd trimester premature rupture of membranes (water break) is extremely rare. They tell you you're clear after the first trimester- statistics regarding loss of any kind past the first 12 weeks is down around the 1-2% mark. I mean what are the odds that I have trouble conceiving AND a second trimester loss? My thoughts on this are now much more black and white- chance of loss is 50%- you either give birth or you end up with a dead baby.

Finding out that I am prone to blood clots and that may have been the cause of the amniotic rupture only sickens me more. Should of, would of, could of. How come no one suggested me seeing a specialist? How come the gene mutation was not tested for at the onset of the uterus blood clot and then easily treated? How in the world did I think going to Puerto Rico was a good idea after being on bed rest for 2 months? How come the doctor allowed me to go? How come I never learned Spanish? Should of, would of, could of. I can drive myself mad if I go down this road.

How did I get to this place? I will be back at the doctor's in Boston tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and blood work. today is cycle day 8. This IUI could be be the start of another life. Or can it be that my first pregnancy, my special Sally Ann, would be my only biological child? I just can't believe it- that my life would go down like that.

I have a strong desire inside to be a mother. I have always had that deep, passionate will to raise a child in this world. Now I need to re-examine what that looks like. What is motherhood? What was the need I had really? Was it to raise a little human and pass the legacy of love, compassion, strength and integrity into the world? Was it to know that my genes and DNA live on past when my body turns to dust? This story line is so much heavier that I expected. What happened to what they told us in school? If you don't use protection it is an accident that you don't get pregnant. I can't believe that bullshit. Come to find out it is actually, in the best of circumstances, a difficult task.

Oh well. I called myself resilient back in August when I started this blog. I don't feel so much today. I am actually more on the weepy side. The anticipation of today, however, was much worse. Today gives me some sort of twisted closure.

Does one ever get over the loss of a child? Of course not, but there is a closing of the circle, as there will be for each milestone that will come between now and July 26th, 2009. Christmas, Passover, Mother's Day, Father's day. The anniversary of my water breaking. Sally Ann's birth and death.

Grant me the serenity to accept this thing I cannot change.

Full Disclosure to The Blogger Babes

2008-12-14T11:33:00.002-05:00

Well, I am not pregnant yet. Shit!

It is day 2, and I am back at the doctor tomorrow morning at 7 am for day 3 scans. I have been busy and tired and depressed and so have taken some time away from the blogging journal. Maybe I will feel more like writing in a day or two. In the meantime, thank you for your emails. My mind is swirling. I have a lot to consider.

I have been on quite a journey. But I can't give up. I won't give up ever. If I don't do the 4 more cycles my doctor suggests, I will always wonder or regret. I'll take this all one day at a time, one cycle at a time. And this will give me the time I need to resesarch other options.

For all those well wishers- what would you do?

2008-12-09T05:37:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all your kind words- it really means a lot to me. This doctor I see today was my second opinion and the second one that said not an IVF candidate. Should I go for a third?

What I really need to hear about are your thoughts on egg donation. Do you know of anyone who has done this? Did they use a known or anonymous donor? How did it turn out for them?

This is not a discussion I was expecting to have out here in cyberland. Any comments you can give will be helpful.

Thanks in advance...

What would life be like without a plan B?

2008-12-06T13:47:00.003-05:00

I went to my doctor yesterday to check in and talk about my progress over the past couple of months. I may be pregnant and will know in about a week and a half, but it is always good to talk about plan B. What will happen if I am not?

"There is NO plan B."

"Excuse me?"

Given my response to the FSH IUI's, even in the one that got me pregnant last March, I am not a candidate for in vitro. Each time, I started out strong but at the time of ovulation, I have one or two mature follicles. Given that not all follicles survive the retrieval and petri dish process, she wouldn't want to take any chances with the one to two good ones I had each cycle. Therefore, IUI is all I can do a this point.

I was kind of at a loss for words- flabbergasted. I didn't expect that response and the only thing that came to mind was "oh shit." The expected tears came shortly thereafter.

Dr I.S. recommends that I go through 6 IUI cycles total, if I can emotionally handle it, and then we can decide if it is time to find another approach, depending on my responses to those cycles.

I have been pretty depressed in the last 24 hours. Not really what I wanted to hear. And while I recognize that I may very well be prego now, I need to re-evaluate what I really, truly want in my life. G-d what a fucking mind trip roller coaster ride. Happy Holidays!

Which brings me to the question of the day:

Would a child by an egg donor be any less special to me?

I was caressing my dog Lola yesterday morning and her eyes were gazing up to mine. My heart cracks wide open for my loving, little mutt. If I feel this much love for a dog, imagine how much I would feel for a baby I carried in my belly for 9 months, breast fed and raised?

So I guess what I am asking your opinion on is, should I wait the 6 months and then decide on this or should I just say fuck it and do it now? The doctor all but guarantees me a baby with this method. My uterus is beautiful and she isn't concerned at all with my carrying the baby to term.

I really want to mother a child. Of course I want a genetic mix of hubby and myself. It is just that life is so short and I have spent quite a bit of it being sad. I just don't know how much more I should risk.

I welcome your candid thoughts on this controversial subject.

Smooth morning

2008-11-30T14:19:00.003-05:00

The IUI went smoothly. The nurse doing the procedure is my favorite- we've been together since the beginning. Hopefully she and my lucky socks will make this a done deal.

I am going to relax for the rest of the day, and tomorrow too. And maybe try baby making the old fashion way to add to the 42 million strong swimmers (of the 137 million little guys in there) that are already on their way.

All I can say is think positive thoughts, pray if that's your thing, send forth intentions, solicit help from dead relatives, get your mind off the negative, use rituals, do visualizations, laugh, have fun, cast a spell, relax, meditate, carry around fertility rocks, dream, don't worry about it. That will be my job over the next 16 days and I'd appreciate any help from all of you out there in the universe that connects to the post. Choose your "thing" from the above. All it can do is help, and certainly couldn't hurt. Right?

Am I superstitious? You bet! Whatever it takes to get me to my dream. I am not giving up. No way, no how.

38 hours until the waiting game

2008-11-28T19:19:00.002-05:00

I got the call- I will be taking the ovidrel tonight and going in for the IUI on Sunday morning. I am nervous and almost want to just put it out of my head. What can I do so I don't think about it?

So far I took a 3+ hour nap. That helped. My husband got a bunch of movies for us to watch. What I need is a massive chill pill to get my thoughts off of this and onto something completely distracting.

I can only imagine how my next two weeks will be. But I have gone through this before. I know what it feels like in both possible outcome scenarios. I'll be ok however it ends up. At least I hope I will be.

Silly me

2008-11-25T21:43:00.006-05:00

I went for my scan and blood work this morning. It was a scary night leading up to it, though. I have actually been up since 2 am for a really silly thing I realized I did. For those familiar with gonal pen meds, the doctor put me on a high dose of 450 IU each evening. For those unfamiliar, the pen in is prefilled with medication that one uses each night until the pen is empty. When the pen runs out, you have to prick yourself again with a fresh new pen to get the remaining amount of dosage needed. Example, 300 IU left in a pen. Once I use it, I set the new pen for 150 IU- that gives me the total, appropriate dose of 450 IU. Two pricks unfortunately, but the correct dose nonetheless.

Last night I spent the night at a friend's house in Boston so I wouldn't have to do the double drive today (especially since I also had to go to Albany for a meeting tonight- the complete opposite direction- this knocks off 2 hours out of 7 for the day). I used up the first pen that I had- got 300 IU in that dose. That meant... I needed 150 IU more for the proper dose. I got the fresh pen out and ready to use, and somehow I got distracted. Instead of setting it for 150 IU, I set it and injected the full 450 IU. My reaction to the mix up? I didn't even notice I did anything wrong. I was happily clueless throughout the evening.

At about 2 am in the morning I woke up out of a sound sleep and realized- Oh shit! I took 750IU instead of 450! Needless to say, I was pretty freaked out. I was trying to decide if I would live. Was I flushed? I think I feel dizzy. Is it hot in here or is it the meds? How could I do this to me and my precious little follicles?

I had to talk myself down and say, self, what is the worst thing that could happen as a result? The worst thing would be that the cycle is canceled, but that won't happen. I could not get pregnant, but that could happen anyway. At least I would be at the doctor in the am and that there wasn't much I could do in the moment anyway. Just calm the effen down and try to relax. Relax I did. Sleep? Not really.

Come morning, I'm exhausted, but at least I can find out what I did to damage my body. Turns out, no one seemed to think it was a big deal. In fact, I think the doctor said it would have been much worse it I had took too little than too much. I shouldn't worry at all. It would have no effect. And these people call reproductive endocrinology a science? Hmmm. Boy do I feel much better, even if I over spent a few hundred dollars in meds last night.

So the update- I had about 8 developing follicles, with one definitely more dominant that the rest, however- let's see if the other buggers can catch up between now and Friday when I go back. I am tentative and still very hopeful. That is all I can do is hope, right? I guess I could spend the time worrying, but hoping is a much better feeling that worry.

On another note, my dad called me to check in today. It blew me away. Of course I missed his call, but I called him back quickly and reached him on his cell. He leaves it off most of the time. It is the first time in two years he actually called me rather than me calling him. Let me explain- He has had throat cancer and can't talk well so most of our exchanges are on email. About a year ago he had to have a tracheotomoy put in so talking is mostly a struggle for him. It is the royal cosmic irony in that my father has never been at a loss for words. Now he can speak a few minutes, at most. That is why it hurt even more when he critisize me the other day- few words to speak- and he chose negative ones to give me.

It was nice that he made that effort and it meant a lot to me. Just checking in was what he said he was doing. I know it probably means he has been rethinking the last week of verbal activities. Does he feel regret? I am not sure. At least he took the time to reach out. Even with his poor delivery on comments of late, he is still my dad and I love him.

Part 2 to the bad day

2008-11-23T18:56:00.002-05:00

For all those that commented about my cruel step mom, I appreciated your kind words. Part 2 goes like this- I decide to call my dad on Wednesday to let him know I wasn't pregnant. About 15 seconds into the call, right after I told him the news, he ripped right into me, letting me know how fat I looked when he saw me and that every time he sees me I get fatter and fatter. When I told hm the doctor told me to just hold off on weight loss right now because he doesn't want my hormones to get out of wack, my dad tells me I am lying. I am lying? He says either I am lying or my doctor is a quack and I should find another doctor.

I can't believe how supportive and loving my family is.

I told my dad I will lose weight once the baby comes. He tells me he hardly believes that one and I should just put off getting pregnant until I lose the weight. Then he compares me to step sisters- they have stressful lives- how come they didn't gain weight?

I don't think I have ever felt as alone in this world as I do right now. I need to talk to my doctor about anti-depressants. I feel like jumping off a bridge about now-except for the fact that I want a baby so bad- if that longing and hope wasn't there, I am pretty sure I would need to be committed.

Bereaved Parents' Wish List

2008-11-23T14:08:00.005-05:00

My new friend Michelle found this on line- I thought it was appropriate to post

Bereaved Parents' Wish List
I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't wan't to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, it is certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand~understand my loss and my grief. But, I pray daily that you will never understand.

Not yet

2008-11-21T22:40:00.002-05:00

So- it was probably implantation bleeding...and then a miscarriage. I am on cycle day 3 today. I haven't been able to write up to now. The spotting stopped and then the floodgates opened. The doctor thought my lining was particularly thick this morning and wouldn't be surprised if that was what happened.

I started my injections tonight- my blood tests were fine. I am back at the MD on Tuesday morning for a scan. I am sad, disappointed, and yet hopeful. I have a burning desire to be a mom. I am not giving up on this dream of mine!

I would like to take this opportunity to share what a nasty woman my step mom is. On Monday night she told me I was a horrible daughter to my father. Drunk and screaming at me, she accused me of lying about being on bed rest last summer and that it was somehow my own fault that I lost my baby by going to Puerto Rico.

She says I don't make the 3 hour drive to see my dad enough. I do my best. I travel for a living, barely see my husband as it is, and drive back and forth to Boston for my treatments (2 hours each way). I drive 1 hour each way to work (in the opposite direction of Boston). I have come every month to see my dad since I moved home in September of 2007 except when I was on bed rest in May, in the hospital in July, and last month when I was on the road two out of four weekends for work. I gave up a position I loved and was successful in, my friends and a life I was content with- for the sole reason to move closer to him. My husband gave up his job so that I could be close to my dad. When I told her that I am trying, and doing my best to be there for him, she told me it wasn't good enough and that my step sister is a better daughter to him than me. She topped it off with saying I am fat. And she did the whole thing with a knife in her hand and so close to me she was stepping on my toes and practically spitting in my face with her drunken breath. Oh- and she topped it off with sharing sordid info about when she was my dad's mistress when he was still married to my mother.

Real pleasant.

Guess what you nearly 70 old woman- I don't answer to you. You are not my mother. You are nothing like my mother- you can't hold a candle to her. Why not keep off the booze and act like a fucking adult. You don't know me. You don't know me at all. I love my father more than you will ever know. I respect him and love him more than you are even capable of. And by the way- I hate the way you yell at him.

What hurts the most is that I thought we had a wonderful relationship. I really cared about her. Every so often I would tell her I loved her- never did she return the sentiment. On her deathbed, my grandmother told me not to trust her. Now I know why she said that.

There is a part 2 to this- but I am too aggravated to write about it tonight. Inquiring minds will need to wait until tomorrow- after my much needed massage appointment.

Anticipation turns to freaking out

2008-11-17T12:19:00.002-05:00

Ok- now I am freking out. I am still spotting- not very much at all but it is still there. It was a pink couple drops on Saturday a few brownish drops today. It seems too early to be my period. I am not actually due for it until this coming Saturday so the spotting began on day 21. I was cramping on Saturday too and a bit yesterday. Today it seems to have stopped.

I can't stand how this feels. I am making myself crazy and my husband thinks I am losing my mind. I may take a pregnancy test cause I am wond up so tight I may explode.

Anticipation...

2008-11-16T16:21:00.002-05:00

Well- it's been 11 days since my IUI. A week from today, I can go for the blood test. The waiting has been a bit brutal and I just try to think of other things. Yesterday was day 10 and I had a small amount of spotting (implantation bleeding???). I am hoping that is a good sign.

For the first time since the procedure I am actually am feeling really hopeful and happy. Wouldn't it be nice if I got pregnant nice and easy and had a smooth, flawless pregnancy? Wouldn't it be nice if, 5 years down the road, I don't even remember what my FSH levels were, or estradiol, or what ttc stands for (trying to conceive for those of you who do not know).

Today I am focusing on the hope. Why not now? Why not me?

The waiting game

2008-11-07T17:47:00.004-05:00

Ok- so we did the deed yesterday- I stayed lying down pretty much all day and night, other than my acupuncture appointment. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...get pregnant. May this be a nice and easy process.

Now for the dark side- I have been crying all day. I am filled with fear and grief. How much can one person take? I think I have had my share now. I just need to remind myself that sometimes it takes a few months to get pregnant. What if I just think about something completely different?

What can I think about? I don't know. I can really drive myself crazy over this. Ok- any ideas? What is the soonest I can take a pregnancy test? I am scheduled to take a blood test on 11/23- a Sunday. I will find a lab open for this, but I bet I won't get my results back until Monday.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Each day brings me closer to my baby.

Praying for myself

2008-11-05T21:01:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I go for the IUI- 10:30 am EST. I am really not trying to think too much about it. I am just going about my days keeping busy and taking care of myself.

However, if you are so inclined, say a prayer, think positive intentions, have a moment of silence, or sing a song for me, my beautiful, fertile egg, and D's strong, fast swimming sperm. May there be the perfect melding together, and may they slide gently into my uterus and stick there nice a comfy.

Yes we can...

So far, so good

2008-11-02T19:27:00.002-05:00

Well, I am on day 8 and feeling ok so far. I've been on injectibles for 5 days now and go back to the doctor early Tuesday morning. It looks like the IUI will be around Thursday or so. Of course, that is right in the middle of a business trip I have. It is the universe's way of reminding me that my number one priority must be my family- and here's my perfect test. I've squared away my work plan B and am getting ready to receive whatever comes next.

I was at a follicle scan yesterday morning, and in came Dr. T. I hadn't seen him since he discharged me from the reproductive department last May- he had said, "our work is done" and he told me to go find an OB near my home. As he walked into the room yesterday, I found myself holding back the tears. I can't believe this is how it turned out.

As I lay there, legs spread, watching the scan, I looked at a particularly large follicle, thinking, that might be my next baby. Hope is the appropriate emotion right now.

To everyone who reads this: please think and send fertile baby juju thoughts my way. I'll take all I can get.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you tomorrow...

2008-10-27T20:10:00.002-04:00

I go for my day 3 scan tomorrow. I am nervous and excited all at once. I think it might be, in part, the emotional time of the month, but I have been very weepy today. I have all these hopes and dreams. I am sad that this journey has been so tumultuous. I am sad at how the last pregnancy went. I am frustrated that the process this time has been so difficult. I think I need to speak my mind tomorrow- it doesn't have to be that hard- it shouldn't be.

I want to give myself the space to relax and not build up everything on this first month. Even fertile women don't always get pregnant in one month. I need to keep perspective. On the other hand, my hormone levels were good, my uterus is in good shape. Why not me? Why not now?

For now though, I am just going to open myself up to the possibility that my dream can come true for me this time.

Lessons I am learning along the way

2008-10-24T12:59:00.002-04:00

The screwed up lesson I am learning is that if scream and cry like a lunatic, it actually gets me somewhere. Tufts has approved another IUI. I am all set to go for next week.

I really have to stop this sort of behavior before a baby is born- or I suspect I am in for some sweet justice/ironic humor. At the very least, I am certainly not making any friends around here. Oh well. Hopefully they are used to the crazy highs and lows that happen to a woman in mourning, a woman obsessed with having a baby.

What else can I take?

2008-10-23T20:00:00.002-04:00

What more can I handle? It feels like the fertility clinic really doesn't even want to do this damn IUI. They make a hard, emotional journey even more frustrating and painful than it is already!

First, they screw up my husband's blood test. He drives all the way to Boston for a freakin' HIV test (standard practice prior to fertility treatment) and they forget to have him sign a waiver. He had to get retested and then waits in the lab for 2 hours for the nurse to fax the orders in. Then- the lab faxes the results and the fertility clinic tells us they never received it, even though the fax was "successfully sent." Resend? I wish it was that easy. In the state of Mass, you can't just resend an HIV test- I guess it is against the law or something. Anyway, that is taken care of now, after much crying and begging.

This whole thing and they still haven't received the consult info from the perinatologist giving the go ahead for the IUI. I am running out of time for them to request insurance approval. The one saving grace is that I lied as to when my day one might be- it gives me an extra 3-4 days cushion- cause I knew this kind of shit would happen.

So I call my perinatologist. Is nothing easy? It seems I have a genetic mutation- Prothrombin Factor II mutation. What does that mean? I'll share more of what I know know later but, for now, it means my next pregnancy will require more steps to follow, more risks to take. For now, this insurance request can move forward. Everything is complete. Or is it?

Where the fuck are my pap results? I can't believe I am still waiting on this. And- of course there is more. I have to get in writing that I spoke with my doctor about this prothrombin deal? He submitted the diagnosis and treatment info in writing as requested. He spoke with the reproductive endocrinologist, assuring her he would share the info with me. I told them I got the info...and now they want another letter in writing before they submit for insurance? Now they're just fucking with me. I feel it's all a big joke and the joke is on me.

Feeling kind of so-so

2008-10-12T17:14:00.004-04:00

Lots have been going through my mind in the last few days. Last week was Yom Kippur-the holiest day in the jewish year- a day to reflect, to repent for your sins, and to mourn for the dead. I was unprepared for the flood of emotion that would come up for me. Mother-daughter stuff. I remembered back to last year when I was inconsolable around the loss of my mother and here I am now, with two losses. How ironic. Part of the day also focuses on setting yourself for what you wish for in the coming year- how you would like that unfolding to be.

I wish for a baby. I wish I become a mother. Soon. Please, please, please.

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

2008-10-09T14:28:00.001-04:00

Antigone (http://www.antigonelost.com/) is recruiting us to take action to spread awareness about pregnancy and infant loss.

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

All good things come to those who ask

2008-10-04T10:36:00.003-04:00

That has been my motto for quite some time now. Not only did I get the follow up consult with my doc early like I wanted it, I can have it by phone- avoiding the 2+ hours drive it takes to get there. I am so happy I could scream.

Not only that, but my FSH test (follicle stimulating hormone) was 9.0- completely normal. This is a good sign as my numbers in the past were slightly elevated and was the only thing that they could point to that was causing me not to get pregnant.

So all tests will be completed by the 10th and my phone consult is on the 17th- which is enough time to get the approval from Tufts to begin my cycle in November.

I so appreciate the nurses and schedulers at Mass General. I really feel that they have my best interests at heart.

New Year, New Beginnings

2008-09-30T20:01:00.003-04:00

Today is Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year- Happy 5769! It seems almost perfectly fitting that today is "day 1" for me, the first day of my cycle. It is one day closer to my next IUI. Day 3, I'll be doing bloodwork. Day 10, a hysteroscopy. Next month, the treatment can begin. Today, I am one day closer to meeting my live baby (or babies), smelling baby smells, kissing mushy baby heads.

Think Good Thoughts by Rabbi Nachman
Since Rosh Hashanah in the “head” of the year, our minds should be focused properly and we should think only good thoughts. Rosh Hashanah is like a blueprint for the year to come, so positive thinking can help shape our year for the good. Your speech has the power to create, for better or for worse. What we talk about on Rosh Hashanah deeply influences the year to come.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cards of life are stacked in your favor. Overall, you're far
more likely to succeed than fail, and to thrive than dive. Don't let the
inevitable setbacks get you down. You are on your way to all you have been dreaming for, and so am I...

Whirlpools of love,
The Universe

As a follow up

2008-09-30T19:57:00.003-04:00

For all my well wishers- I didn't REALLY send that letter from my previous post. Just a bit of therapy for my head. I may send a letter, but it will most likely contain just the first sentence or two. For all those who wondered, Dr. L is indeed a woman, which makes her behavior and insensitivity even more shocking.

SHARE training for medical practitioners

2008-09-24T22:16:00.001-04:00

There is a training around fetal/baby loss for medical practitioners in Northampton, Massachusetts on November 10-11th (two trainings, one each day). The director of the US National Share organization will be helping professionals with sensitivity training on the subject. Things like, do not be afraid- we know you don't know what to say. Saying that is much better than saying something like "would you like to pray with me?" or "Things happen for a reason."

I have been encouraged to write a letter of invitation to anyone I think might benefit- maybe someone who was not the best with me and could use the training.

Dear Dr. L,

I am part of a SHARE support group that helps me cope with the loss of my baby girl, Sally Ann. The director of this national organization will be in the area to speak on the subject. She is an absolutely wonderful speaker and, since you are in the field, I thought you might be interested in attending.

She can share with you how inappropriate it was to tell me I had a 50/50 chance of losing my baby when I had the first sign of bleeding. You may have been right, but it was ever so cruel. And then when you happened upon me after my 22 hours of labor as your shift began- what a delightful coincidence that it would be you to finish off the deed.

I found it so thoughtful that you had the idea of putting my baby in a stainless steel bowl, still somewhat bloody, to give to me to view. Aren't we so lucky that Nurse M was around to come up with the idea of using the little preemie pink wraps that you stock in the hospital by the case for just this occasion.

In any case, why not check this lady out? You might pick up a few pointers and learn that less is more when you are speaking with a woman in grief. Or maybe can you just think before you speak?

Sincerely,

Lisa DG

New day, new meaning

2008-09-24T21:49:00.002-04:00

For those of you who made a comment to my blog from last night, I have one piece of good news. What I didn't mention yesterday was that I also had to make a perinatal appointment before I could even go back to my fertility doctor and that appointment was also way way in the future- two doctors making me wait. This morning, my OB office had found a sooner appointment for me for a perinatalogist (a completely different practice)- they obviously "got it" when I spoke to them. I am not going to worry about the fertility appointment until I get to day one and my tests are complete. Once I am all ready to go back to her, my appointment will become available- I just know it. No amount of worrying now will make it better.

I learnined something really profound tonight. I attended a SHARE group meeting which, for those of you who may not know, is a group that helps couples with fetal and baby loss at any stage. Tonight the meeting was packed. We did get on a roll of complaining for a while- we can all share the stories of stupid, insensitive people, or medical professionals that let us down, etc. But then the topic of conversation focused on how several people felt that they had somehow let others down with the loss of their baby- like we all felt as though we had to apologize for what happened.

In an instant, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been carrying around guilt and despair that I had somehow let Sally Ann down. How terrible I felt that I did this to her- that I took her life away. How she must be so disappointed in me for inducing labor and giving up on her. Bad Lisa. How could you do that to your poor little baby girl?

A wave of pain came over me. I cried all the way home. Here is yet another layer of the onion, peeled back. Here I am, heart cracked open. It hurts, and somehow I know that it is exactly where my journey needs to go- that I need healing around this.

For those who will tell me it is not my fault, know that I can and do see the logical side of the discussion. Tonight, however, my heart needs to feel the irrational in an effort to move forward towards a new understanding. This is where I am. This is who I am. This is my life and my journey. I wonder where it might lead. The path is certainly dark tonight.

We don't have to take it anymore!

2008-09-23T20:06:00.004-04:00

My doctor's appointment went very well- or actually just as I had expected. I will need to redo a bunch of tests, timed on different days, and so we decided (she decided) that I will not begin my next cycle until next month. No surprise here.

The frustrating part is that, when I went to make an appointment to regroup with her after all the tests (why do I even need that meeting? We will be redoing the protocol we did last time), she has nothing open for 6 weeks. So they expect me to wait another month because she can't fit me in to regroup? You have got to be joking! I called everyone and their mother at the clinic, pratically begging for something sooner. I absolutely will not wait. That is the stuff that just makes me blow my top!

They tried to calm me down by telling me that there are always cancellations and that I am on the list for one of those. Ok, for now, but if I have to come in there on my own and demand to see her, I will.

I guess what I have learned is that I don't have to be the good little girl and do what I am told. This is my body, my fertility, my family. I will do whatever I need to in order to create my family.

I can't believe how much I miss someone I never really knew. I move along each day feeling like, Yes- I am going to make it. Then, in an instant, I feel like I don't even know if I can.

Breathe in, breathe out. Each day brings me closer to the family of my dreams. I can't wait to share the good story of Sally Ann with my children. I will share the gift she gave to me in her short existence here on earth. Maybe we will all sit down by her tree some day and this pain I have will have found some meaning.

Notes From The Universe

2008-09-19T22:56:00.005-04:00

I get an daily email from a site called Notes from the Universe - written by Mike Dooley, one of the people in the movie The Secret. Here is the one I read today. Not sure I can "hear it" yet, but I am willing to ponder it.

I guess what it brings up for me is that I want to find a way for this experience to bring meaning into my life. For example, I appreciate my husband so much today, more so than ever before. I am grateful for that gift in my life. I know there are other gifts. I can choose to focus on the nightmare- or I can choose to focus on something else. Tonight I will focus on the love I have for my husband.

-------------------------------------------------------
Whenever your perspective on something creates emotional pain, Lisa, it's
always because your perspective is still so narrow that you've yet to see all the
good it will make possible.

Because it will.

I can see clearly now...
The Universe
-------------------------------------------------------
If you are interested in getting a personalized daily pick-me-up, copy the url below and paste it into your web browser:
https://www.tut.com/notes/?action=notes#SignUp

Do all good things come to an end?

2008-09-18T18:54:00.003-04:00

I had made a dried flower arrangement as a memorial to Sally Ann. I used a cool square vase that was given to me and added some of the flowers from the many bouquets I received. It was beautiful and so sentimental. As the flowers sat, they would sink down into vase a bit more each day, so I would add more on top from a plate of ones I kept. The vase sits next to Sally's urn, an angel sculpture that was sent to me and some cards that really "moved" me.

I came home last night to discover that the arrangement had molded. The beautiful colors had faded to a fuzzy grey-brown. Oh well- there is nothing I can do now. I dumped them in the garbage and left the smelly vase next to the pile of dishes I need to get to at some point. A clean sink doesn't seem to have the same allure and importance as it once did.

I am optimistic about my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I am going to try to convince her to let me start next month rather than waiting. I know she has her agenda- and I have mine. In any case, I have always believed that all good things come to those who ask.

I should have bought stock in maxi pads

2008-09-16T17:53:00.007-04:00

Captain's Log 9/16. it has been two weeks since I have written. I have been swamped with work and that was probably a good thing. My appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist is this Friday and I am a bit nervous. I hope she says I am ready to roll and begin again. I hope my insurance quickly approves. I hope, I hope. I am focusing on how great my life is- things are supposed to go well for me. I deserve everything I want and I can have it all.

I feel my cycle is beginning to get back in order. I bled like a sieve for about 12 days. The actual total amount of bleeding was actually about 17 weeks- with the bleeding in pregnancy, the post delivery and then this. Well, that phase of my life is behind me, thankfully. I should have bought stock in the Always brand pads. I could have made it rich.

Since I last wrote, my husband planted a memorial tree for us that my staff got us. It is a beautiful Japanese maple. I am terrified it won't survive as I heard other stories of tree planting difficulties, but I need to keep the perspective that the plant is a symbol for, not actually my daughter. What happens to the tree does not reflect on my ability to be a mom, nor will foreshadow future events.

I can tell I am in better mental shape- I haven't been crying all the time. I even made it a couple days here and there with no crying- I think. I feel better than worse on most days. I thought about Sally Ann this weekend a lot and I felt very sad. I met a woman who had her first child at 42- I love those stories. Share them with me if you hear them.

I have been at work for 12 hours today- with an hour more to drive home- I better sign off. I will update everyone after my doctor's appointment, at the latest.

Those were the days

2008-09-02T18:48:00.005-04:00

I remember back to how scared I was when I first found out I was pregnant- I wasn't sure how to feel since I had never been pregnant. I had complained right before the IUI that it had been 37 cycles of trying. There was a deep heaviness when I referred to the process that way- 37 attempts.

The truth was that it wasn't really 37 cycles. Yes- it had been 3 years, but a lot happened in that time frame. My mother was sick with cancer and I would often fly to be with her- out of range of my husband's "Superman" sperm as the doctor called it. I don't know how many months that occurred- I didn't really keep track of that. Moreover, in the early months, I didn't know what I was doing. The old adage- if you don't use birth control, it's an accident if you DON'T get pregnant- was in my mind so I didn't plan or time marital relations. I just came home from the bar, straddled my husband and said "let's make a baby." Oh, the good old days!

I also took on a new job that required some travel. I wasn't travelling too too much, but the first time I used the ovulation predictor kit, I had flown to Orlando FL for a conference. I knew I would be ovulating while I was there so my husband took off time to fly down there a few days after me to be sure we "matched" it up right. Low and behold, I ovulated two days before he got there.

If I look at the story I have told myself, I may have slanted my "truth" in a way that made me feel worse, not better. It didn't really matter by this past April- I had gotten pregnant. I mean, my issue was getting pregnant, not staying pregnant.

It took me just about 9 weeks to really get into it and not be completely frantic. When I first saw the ultrasound at week 5, I was terrified. There was a little heartbeat in what looked like a blob. How would that fragile thing live?????

At 9 weeks, the picture looked like a baby. All the doctors and nurses were congratulating me- they said the baby looked great. Very strong. They were extremely pleased. In fact, they said their work was done and they released me to my new OB.

I had found my OB about a week before. Still, I felt sort of lost in that I didn't know how to be just a pregnant woman. My story had gone from "when will I ever get pregnant" to "I met my husband, fell in love, got married and created our family" in a matter of minutes. I look back now wondering if there was a part of myself that thought "you fake! You know it can't be that easy."

I spent a non eventful weekend going back and forth on the matter until Monday, I decided this was my fate. I began telling close friends and reveling in the newness and joy of the experience. I shared my new story with my husband, my therapist, my family. It was a dream come true.

Until about 4:30 am in the morning of that very day. I went to the bathroom and blood gushed out of me. Falling into the toilet was large clots of tissue. I remember looking into it and saying- there's the baby. I was in total shock. I can't even describe the terror. I immediately called the reproductive endocrinologist. When the on-call MD called me back, she said I should call my OB. Now I am faced with calling a stranger's office to try to explain what had happened.

The on call doctor called me right back and asked me to remain calm. She told me to come to her office at 8:00 am- 30 minutes before they opened. It would be easier than going to the ER. Just remain calm.

I called my friend from 1st grade- she had 3 kids, Maybe she could calm me. "Oh I know someone who had the same thing, It was a blood clot. Don't worry just yet" she said. OK. I won't worry. Blahhh- did I lose my baby?

That was the longest 3 hours of my life.

I arrived at the unfamiliar office and they took me straight away to the ultrasound room. They got me situated and took a look. Low and behold, there was my sweet, beautiful baby, just moving and shaking, heartbeat absolutely perfect. I felt truly blessed, so happy, so grateful. Everything might really be OK.

A Wide Open Heart

2008-08-29T22:33:00.002-04:00

Steel was forged by fire.

That was a saying my friend Karen mentioned to me yesterday. She reminded me that my heart was ripped open by what happened. In talking about how obstacles make one stronger, she asked me to think about what Sally Ann and this experience have taught me. Ok- people are always talking about what we learn from a terrible experience. It almost seems like a silly exercise. Let me try on that theory and really think about it.

What I learned:
**How very strong I am
**I am an amazingly great mother and would go to any length to save my baby- nothing off limits for my child
**I can love more deeply than I ever knew I was even capable of
**What a great, strong man my husband is and how intensly he loves me
**I am not alone- there are loved ones and strangers that have reached out to share in my pain and to give me hope. I have felt the true generosity of others
**I am a money magnet, convincing my HMO to spend 50K to fly me home to the states-if I can do that, I can do anything, or at least may have a successful future in sales
**I could get pregnant easily- even without IVF- and if I can do it once, I will do it again

These are all great gifts that I am grateful for having learned. Could I have done without these lessons? Certainly. No doubt about it- lessons I didn't need to learn. I would much rather have a baby and be ignorant regarding any of the above.

A Penny For Your Thoughts

2008-08-28T21:06:00.006-04:00

They say I wear my heart on my sleeve. I also wear my daughter around my neck. Call me morbid. It is somehow very comforting that I can keep her ashes safe. I feel closer to her. Damn it- that's all I got. Chris at the funeral home gave me the locket for free when he did the cremation. The whole thing was free actually. The locket is silver and gold and in the shape of a heart. On the back, it is engraved with Sally Ann's name and birthdate. I am always pleasantly surprised by the generosity of others. The world is a good place- at least more good than bad.

A week ago, I reached down to find the locket missing from my neck- it turns out it is a screw top and I guess I was fiddling with it so much, I screwed the darn thing off. I went into a tailspin. How could I have lost my daughter TWICE? I finally found her in my closet. The locket was on its side, some of the ashes had fallen out and lay next to the locket. Boy did I feel like a terrible mom as I tried to place the ashes back in with my fingers. Sally is back on my neck now and I won't do that again!

Thoughts keep coming up, swirling around in my mind. I still have tons of doctors calls, appointments, medical records sent here and there. It feels like insult to injury- I can't just move forward. I keep having to re-hash, follow up, discuss next steps. I thought my next steps would be a crib and a car seat.

I hope my next pregnancy is smooth and easy. Breathe in, breathe out. Some questions have no answers. Just keep on keeping on...

The Club No One Wants To Join

2008-08-26T23:49:00.003-04:00

Women like me who have had premature preterm rupture of membranes (PPROM) have a cute little name we use- PPROM Queens. It kind of lightens up the reality of what happened. It almost sounds like a sorority except no one ever asked to join it.

I have encountered so many wonderful and caring women since I started this blog- for this I am ever so grateful. I have met women who have had almost the exact thing happen to them (not the puerto rico nightmare, but the PPROM part). I have come to know women who have experienced the many possible things that can sadly cause a pregnancy to end with "fetal demise." I have also met women who had normal pregnancies, only to watch their special babies die days or weeks after birth. No matter when or how it happened, we are bonded together in this surreal space. We are women who all experience that raw feeling- emptiness, dread, longing- and yearning for what might have been.

A woman with a dead baby- we sit together behind a curtain. I never even thought I would be part of this club and didn't really care to peak behind the curtain to see what was there.

I think that the whole topic makes people uncomfortable. What do you say to her? What if I say the wrong thing? Maybe I should leave her alone until she is ready- she knows I am here for her. All these concerns have the opposite effect that was intended. In fact, they actually increase the woman's loneliness and isolation. But even with all the support and love in the world, the road is a lonely one that must be travelled alone. I am on that road now and wonder where it will lead.

I am so open and ready to hear about how others have coped with this kind of loss. What can I do to get out of my own way so that I don't make Sally Ann's memory something that overwhelmingly pains me? I want to be able to think of her and smile, knowing that she gave me the most special of gifts-hope.

What suggestions do you women out there have for me? My enquiring mind wants to know.

"Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in"

2008-08-25T21:52:00.005-04:00

Imagine if you will, an anguish so fierce, you can feel it from 10 feet away. There is quite an awesome amount of uncontrolled power in a grieving woman who has lost a child. It is almost akin to a wild animal.

Picture ear-piercing shrieks, breaking down in tears repeatedly, even threatening to quit: that was my day at work.

I started off on the wrong foot when my therapist had to cancel. I was, at first, ok with the missed appointment. As the feelings began to quickly overwhelm me, I should have focused my rage and blame on her- that could have been a healthy exercise. Instead, I chose to direct it to those I came into contact first: my boss, an employee, and a couple co-workers. I then found out that my reproductive endocrinologist will need me to wait another month, until October, to begin again. I will need to have some tests done prior to restarting fertility treatment and they want me to wait a month before doing this. I had my heart set on next month. It was like my happy red balloon was busted- here I am again with no control over my own life.

My husband called at a good stopping point in my rage to let me know he may need to take a leave of absence to get through this. Oh yeah- now I remember we are supposedly in this together. I keep forgetting and thinking it is all about me. At least that's what it feels like. How can he seem so calm and feel so bad?

I have come to realize tonight that the healing process is not a stepwise progression as I had thought it might be- and counted on to be. I imagined each day I would be slowly plugging away, taking one step in front of the other, feeling a little bit better and a little bit better. Then one day in the not too distant future I would be talking about how far I have come.

Rather than that, the process seems to be much more of a spiral. To be sure, there will be times when the hurt is less, when I actually feel happy (or at least calm). And then there be a point when I will circle back to a place of pain and trauma. The spiral, however, doesn't mean I am back at square one. I see it more like a tornado or a coil: I spiral back, but I now find myself in a new place, a slightly changed woman from the last time I was immersed in the grief.

I am grateful for the little things- like that the day is coming to a close. The anti-anxiety pills come in handy on a night like tonight. It may be a band aid, but it sure works in a pinch.

Cycles of Life

2008-08-24T17:09:00.007-04:00

I got my period today. At first I was scared. I never fully stopped bleeding since the day I gave birth. The last couple weeks were mere spotting though. I figured I wouldn't get it for a while, but when I called the doctor frantically, she said that it usually comes 4-6 weeks after delivery. It's been 4 weeks, 1 day, 2 hours, but who's counting.

I suddenly feel hopeful. I was told that I should have two periods before I begin trying again. This is number 1. If all goes my way (which I cannot say it has been lately), I have 28 days to go. I will hope that my mom and Sally Ann are pulling for me on the other side- maybe they have some influence that can help me get knocked up again- and quick!

It is funny- thoughts like this make me question life and the universe. A woman who had gone through a similar experience wrote "together, let's figure out a way to have this bring purpose and meaning to your life." It was the same words told to her when she was in my shoes.

This bringing purpose and meaning to my life?

How can I? At this point When I think about what happened, all I feel is despair- where is the meaning? I am definitely not there yet, but at least I didn't find those words offensive. I think I am on the right road...

Hangover Saturday

2008-08-23T15:56:00.007-04:00

Didn't quite feel like myself this morning. Must be the result of the grey goose Friday. My baby dog Lola nudged me a little too early than I wanted to move. Ugh! I found myself off balance and sore as I moved around the house. Nothing a day at the spa couldn't fix.

I had made wax and massage appointments months ago and it couldn't have come at a better time. No fun that my pregnancy massage was changed to a "normal" one, but my massage therapist is top notch and the good part is that I can go for 80 minutes now.

I somehow was able to find the humor in my ignorant waxer's attempt to make me feel better after the "what's new" question was answered in an unexpected fashion. I should have said "nothing" but I was concerned that she might remember that I had been pregnant and ask about it. Now I realize she probably wouldn't have.

Let me see, what was my favorite comment that she made? It was like a parade of all the stupid, insensitive one-liners wrapped up into a one hour session- and I couldn't go anywhere, I was naked from the waist down and only half waxed at the time. For those of you who don't know, please study this and do not use any of these lines in an effort to make me feel better:

--"Well at least you were not farther along or it would have been harder- you could have been more attached." Loss at any time is great. How could I have been any more attached than I was? Sally Ann and the future I dreamed of, snatched in a moment for unexplained reasons. The only response that came to mind was from an old Saturday Night Live Dan Akroyd line, "Jane, you ignorant slut!"

--"You could always have another one." Like that will make it better. Just have another one and you will forget the loss of your child. I worked 3 years for this one.

--"After my baby was born, I had to have a D&C and that hurt too." You have got to be kidding me. How do I even respond to that one? This woman was a teenage, unwed mother who is now in her 20's. She doesn't have a clue and I think silence is in order rather than screaming at her with all my pent up rage. She is only 3/4 of the way through the wax, so I better just keep quiet.

--"Do you want a girl?" Right now I want a live one- that would be good.

--"I don't know if you have read any fertility stuff but" -Let's see: this was only my life's dream since I can remember and I have been trying to conceive since 2005. I think I may have read a thing or two, and met with 3-4 specialists, but why don't you share with me your infinite wisdom.

--"If you have sex 4 days before ovulation, you're more likely to have a girl." I wish these types of issues were my biggst concern.

To add to the mortification I was feeling, I started to bleed in the middle of it. Nice. I keep wondering when the spotting will finally stop- it keeps stopping and then starting again. The waxer was actually tactful about that. She suggested I excuse myself to the bathroom to address it, and I contemplated making a run for it. When I got to the bathroom I realized I had to go back- there was still wax on me and I would have looked a little lopsided. Drats! Back to the stupid whore!

The massage therapist made it all melt away. I could have stayed there forever. I feel great now and the morning is no longer affecting me.

4 weeks to the day that my baby died and I here I am. I read a line in a magazine while at the spa. It seemed particularly poignant. Bad things will happen- that is inevitable. But so will good things. And I get to choose what I will focus on. Today, I'll work on focusing on the good. Wish me luck!

Blowing Off Steam

2008-08-23T01:48:00.003-04:00

Sometimes every girl needs to blow off a little steam. Mind you, blowing off now is distinctly different than my single days. Tonight, I thought trying my hand at some grey goose and a hot tub with my husband might be fun.

As the night wore on, it was me, my dvr'd episodes of Swingtown (CBS on Friday night at 10 pm est), and dancing to great 70's songs. I would have felt silly with others around, but the old friend called the "vodka drunk" kept me company. I find myself at 2:00 am with my husband sleeping like a baby. Oh- I almost didn't mention it. Got close but I am not quite there yet. Baby. For now, my baby will be Lola- my sweet little doggie. Not the same as part of me, yet she loves unconditionally. Sweet dreams.

The Wise Ones

2008-08-22T17:59:00.007-04:00

When my mother was dying last year, she spoke with a Wise One. She couldn't figure out why this was happening to her. She had stopped smoking over 20 years before and now was lying in a bed with end-stage lung cancer. By most accounts, she was a miracle. She had lived almost 4 years when 50% die in the first year. Only 15%make it 5 years and she wouldn't be one of them.

"There are some questions that have no answers" the Wise One said to her. While it doesn't solve the question, there is something comforting in that statement. She held on to that, as did I, until the day she died.

I found it surreal when I was in the hospital and the resident hospital Wise One came through on his rounds. Actually, I had requested his visit. I talked through my story and my options. He unequivocally said that I had no choice but to induce labor, to choose life and health for myself. He said that the choice had already been made by what had occurred. I broke down crying, not understanding how or why this could have happened. Almost a year to the day my mom died, he uttered those same words.

There are questions that have no answers.

I was reading about a fellow blogger's experience today. She has been such a comfort with her compassionate words and thoughts to me over the last several days. She spoke about what become the milestones of your life- those experiences that forever change you.

Before and after.

I will never be who I was before my baby died. I can't go back to that woman. Since the book of my life is only partially written, I cannot say for sure whether that will be a good or bad thing over time. At the moment it seems like the worst thing possible. Time, however, has a way of changing perspectives on experiences.

This is an unwanted journey and I need to hold on to the faith that I am one step closer to living the life of my dreams.

Normalcy?

2008-08-20T19:33:00.002-04:00

The flowers are dead. I tried to pick through them a bit to see if I could salvage the live ones. I am holding on to what? I don't know. I took a small vase from one of them and have decided to make a little dried flower memorial to Sally Ann. Rituals like this feel oddly healing. I used to think that dried flowers were just clutter. Now I feel like I just couldn't throw away these!

Now I am in the phase where I am convinced I killed my baby. Second guessing doesn't even cover it. I started thinking that maybe I shoudn't have induced labor. I had 5 doctors and a specialist telling me to. I just wonder if I held on longer, maybe my fluid would have reaccumulated. Maybe my cervix would have opened slowly enough (it had begun to dilate) that we could have made it to 24 weeks. At that point, I could have taken steroids to help her with her lung capacity. Maybe medical intervention was a mistake. I'll never know because I chose a path on which I could not turn back.

I feel so @*$#% up! I am consumed. The moment I wake up, it's there. I guess I don't want it not to matter. Sally Ann was so important to me- she was my hopes and dreams realized. What kind of mother would I be if I could just brush it off. I just wish it hurt a little bit less.

I want to be in a good place to try again. I want to feel emotionally and physically well so that my body can conceive in October. How am I going to get to that place? How can I find the beauty and goodness in life? How can I find hope?

Breathe in. Breathe out. All I have now is today. Breathe in. Breathe out.

On an upbeat note, someone asked me if I had lost some weight- that I was looking good. Funny what a little blush, a black suit and losing a baby will do for your figure.

I better go attend to my husband. I keep forgetting he is hurting too and needs some attention.

Returning to Work: Easier Said Than Done

2008-08-19T20:37:00.002-04:00

I only cried 6 times today. The normal pressures of work, which are great, feel insurmountable. Today seemed like the day that so many people wanted to talk about what happened, to express their concerns and well wishes. It didn't make me feel all that great to discuss it over and over but at least they seem to feel better. Then the vendor that didn't know called and asked if I shouldn't be at home on bed rest still. Boy did that create an awkward moment for the two of us.

Three weeks, three days since I lost my baby. Maybe I am doing better than expected given everything. Trying to make sense of this is a waste of time, but I can't stop wondering why. Second guessing myself is a painful waste of time yet I have made it an obsession.

My back seems worse today. My left leg still hurts and is numb but the right leg felt numb this evening too. I better keep a watch on it. I was referred to a specialist to do some "nerve" studies and for physical therapy. I can't seem to remember to call for the appointment. Is memory loss a common sympton of grief?